*Updated* Korra Season 4 Finale: Response to Lesbian Controversy

     *This post has been updated as of 1/29/2015. Update is at the bottom of the post*

     For those of you who have read my blog before, you may have noticed that I have used quotes from Avatar: The Last Airbender multiple times in multiple posts. I have long considered Avatar: The Last Airbender my favorite TV show, and still stand by that. For those of you who have watched the series, you may be aware that there was a sequel; The Legend of Korra. Because of my love for the original series, I was excited for the sequel. The Legend of Korra was definitely different and I loved it, but Avatar: The Last Airbender will always be my favorite of the two.

     The Legend of Korra had 4 seasons, and the 4th season (which was completed 2 days ago) was announced to be the last of the Avatar series. I was at work 2 days ago when the final episode was released. My sister, who is also a fan of Korra, watched the episode while I was at work, and texted me after the episode warning me I probably wouldn't want to watch it because there would be things in it that I wouldn't like.

     I didn't want to spoil the end of the episode before actually watching it, but at the same time I wanted to know what my sister meant. I listed all the possibilities in my head of what she could have meant. Did someone swear in the episode? Unlikely. They couldn't do that on a show rated TV-Y7. Was something sexually explicit shown or said? Again, they couldn't have kept that TV-Y7 rating. Did a character I like a lot get killed? Maybe, but that wouldn't make me not want to watch it. Hmm.... I wasn't sure what she meant. Then it hit me. Something she knew I wouldn't like, something they could get away with without affecting their rating. What if they brought up homosexuality? What if characters of the same-sex kissed, or expressed their romantic love for one another, or got married? Is that what she meant?

     With my new suspicion, I wanted to confirm if I was correct. I looked it up online, and confirmed with my sister, and sure enough the internet had exploded with news articles, fan forums, etc. all claiming that the final episode of Korra ended with a homosexual romantic interest between Korra and Asami (both female main characters). For a second I was angry with the directors. How could they add that in to a show I love so much? I decided I wasn't going to watch it, and was going to boycott the entire Korra series and never watch it again and definitely never own the series. But, for whatever reason, after work I decided I was going to finish the Legend of Korra series anyway, because I wanted to see and confirm for myself what had happened.

     I watched the finale with my defenses up already from what I had read online. I dissected every interaction I saw between Korra and Asami. I focused as much as I could, trying to pick out anything that hinted at romance between them, and I saw nothing of the sort until the last 2 minutes of the episode. I'll give a short explanation of what happened during those 2 minutes. Korra and Asami talk alone for a bit while there is a party going on in the background (though far enough back it's not visible in the scene). Asami has just lost her father for the second time (this time permanently as he was killed earlier in the episode). I'll just put down Korra's and Asami's conversation:

Korra: Want to sit with me for a minute? I'm not ready to get back to the party just yet.

(Korra and Asami sit)

Korra: I don't think I ever really apologized. 

Asami: For what?

Korra: For being gone all that time. For not coming back sooner.

Asami: You don't need to apologize for anything. I'm just so happy you're here now. I don't think I could have handled losing you and my father in the same day.

Korra: I am so sorry about what happened.

(Korra and Asami hug)

Asami: Thank you. I'm just so glad I was able to forgive him.

(Korra and Asami stop hugging)

Korra: So what now? Back to the dance floor?

Asami: I'm kind of all danced out. Honestly, after everything that's happened the past few months, I could use a vacation.

Korra: Let's do it! Let's go on a vacation, just the two of us, anywhere you want.

Asami: Really? Okay. I've always wanted to see what the spirit world's like.

Korra: Sounds perfect.

At this point, the conversation ends. The camera cuts out to show Korra and Asami walking towards the spirit portal. They stop very near the portal, look at each other for a second, hold hands, and walk into the portal. Once in the portal they turn to face each other, hold both hands, and become blurry as they enter the spirit world. This is the point where the camera moves upwards to signify the end of the episode.

 

     Now when I first watched it, my defenses were up, and I was expecting to see something homosexual between them. And you know what? While I was watching the final scene, and for about a minute after the episode concluded I agreed with what I had read. I thought for sure it was meant to show that Asami and Korra were romantically involved, and that homosexuality had been implied.

 

However, after discussing with my best friend who was watching the episode with me and who also deals with same-sex attraction and is a faithful member of the LDS Church, my conclusion on the meaning started to change. Dissecting the episode and series for myself and talking to my best friend and my family I have decided that the romantic relationship between Korra and Asami simply doesn't have backing. It doesn't make sense. And things just don't add up.



     First of all, my readers should know (from previous posts) my position on physical touch expressed in friendship between members of the same-sex. I do not believe that physical touch (so long as it is not sexual in nature) should be seen as wrong or homosexual between friends of the same-sex. I have held hands with male friends before, and don't have any issues with it. There was nothing romantic between us. It was an expression of our love for each other as friends, not as romantic partners. There have been many times that I have hugged friends of the same-sex, and again, nothing romantic there. I have looked into friends eyes while expressing physical contact, and again, no romantic connotations for me.

     With my experiences in regards to physical touch with members of the same-sex, I don't think that the hand-holding, hugging, or eye contact between Korra and Asami was at all proof of homosexuality. I also do not see how them going on a vacation together can be seen as proof of a lesbian relationship. And the fact that Asami said "I'm just so happy you're here now. I don't think I could have handled losing you and my father in the same day." doesn't prove anything either. I mean, who would want to lose their best friend and their only living parent in the same day? That is definitely something I couldn't handle. I would say the same thing to my best friend, and again, there is nothing romantic about our relationship.

     As I dissected things further, I started to have fewer concerns that homosexuality was implied. I myself deal with same-sex attraction (which should be obvious by this point) and therefore have my own experiences to draw from. Yes, I may not be a lesbian woman and don't know exactly what it's like to be a woman attracted to women, but I know what it looks like to be attracted to members of the same-sex, and with my personal knowledge I can honestly say I didn't notice anything of that nature in Korra as a character.

     Earlier in the series, Korra dated Mako pretty seriously (Mako is a male main character), with love and romance expressed between them both, including kissing on the lips. Korra was asked by other males to date, but she expressed preference for Mako. They broke up eventually, but not because of a conflict of attractions, and even in the last episode, literally just barely over a minute before the scene of Korra and Asami, Mako and Korra exchange hints of romance, and Korra looks at Mako with longing eyes. Literally, just over a minute before the supposed "lesbian" scene, Korra shows signs of heterosexual love and romance for Mako.

     I know that, for me, growing up with SSA, I never had a prominent "preference" between women. There wasn't one woman, or even multiple women, that I regarded as more beautiful and desirable from the rest. I never kissed a girl on the lips due to romantic interest. And yet Korra did both of those things. Korra expressed preference for Mako, and kissed him multiple times out of romantic interest. There are even scenes of Asami acting out the same feelings of preference for Mako when they were dating (before they broke up and Mako moved to Korra), and Asami engaged in romantic expressions with Mako, again including kissing on the lips.

     With that brought up, I turn back to Korra and Asami's last scene, and just don't see any of the signs of romantic interest shown between them and Mako. Korra and Asami never kiss, they never romantically date, they never express attraction for each other in a way that could be deemed homosexual, and they never express romantic love or interest in one another.

     Ultimately, after dissecting things, watching the end of the episode multiple times, thinking things through, prayer, and talking with people in my life, I have come to the conclusion that yes, there is a possibility that the directors of the show meant to imply homosexuality between Korra and Asami, but that I don't see it at all, and I really don't think it was their intent. I really honestly don't believe that what happened between Korra and Asami was lesbian in nature. And I'm definitely not just coming to this conclusion because I love the show and don't want it to be ruined. I was literally ready at a moments notice to boycott The Legend of Korra entirely if I had noticed something that definitely implied homosexuality, but I just didn't see it.

     I know that nearly every news article and forum out there about it will say that the evidence pointing towards Korra and Asami being in a lesbian relationship is irrefutable, and I know why. The world is changing. Laws are being altered and changed now to legalize gay marriage. People are doing everything they can to stamp out homophobia and discrimination. Anything that is something people can hold on to in order to root for their cause, they will hold on to, even if it means stretching the truth. Well, I say the whole lesbian romance people have inferred between Asami and Korra is definitely refutable. I don't see it, and I don't believe it. There isn't enough evidence to convince me.

     I feel so blessed that God gave me the trials, skills, and gifts that He gave me. I know that so many in the world will continue to fight against the truth, fight against God, and fight against his people, but as Korra said: "I know I was in a pretty dark place... but I finally understand why I had to go through all of that. I needed to understand what true suffering was, so I could become more compassionate to others, even to people like Kuvira." I definitely had dark times in my life, times when I wanted to die, when I felt like an abomination, when I couldn't find happiness or light, but now I've realized why I experienced those things. It was so I could be more compassionate, more understanding, more patient and empathetic. I'm definitely not perfect. I don't treat everyone as well as I should, but I am better than I would have ever been if I didn't have the trials that I have had in my life and still have.

     I love God, I love life, I love my family, I love my best friend, I love my other friends and all the people in my life. I love those who fight against me, who fight against my religion, who fight against God, who fight against all I know to be beautiful and right in the world. I feel sad for them. Sometimes I feel anger, resentment, frustration, etc. but I just want them to know that there is a God who loves them more than anything or anyone on this earth ever could, and that regardless of what they've done, Heavenly Father loves them. I'm not perfect, but I know that God is, and I know there is still good in this world.

     *Update*

     I've received a few comments on my blog and other places about this post. They have been in regards to the creators of Korra coming out and saying they meant for Korra and Asami to be portrayed as a lesbian couple. I was aware of the creators coming out and saying that the day it happened, and I had published this post before they came out and said that, but have been busy in college and haven't had the time to come and write an update. However, with the update I will be keeping all of the original post. I am very disappointed in the creators, but I feel it is important to understand that physical touch, compliments, and love expressed between members of the same-sex should not be viewed as a default of homosexuality, and therefore I am leaving this post as-is. 

"Pray the Gay Away"

     Ever heard that phrase? I have. I've heard it multiple times, including today. "Pray the gay away" is a phrase used in reference to a belief some people have that people with same-sex attraction can just pray to God, and that God will remove their attractions toward members of the same-sex and replace it with an attraction towards the opposite-sex. Some people believe that being same-sex attracted is a sin in and of itself, or at least an "impurity", even if it is never acted on.
     I'm still in my YSA ward I mentioned in blog posts before (YSA stands for Young Single Adults). I've shared my testimony about same-sex attraction multiple times in this ward for the whole ward to hear. Well, today during Sunday School a woman from the stake pulled me out of class saying she wanted to talk to me. I went out and stood in the hall with her. I don't really know her position in the stake, and I don't really know her, but I have seen her before.
     Well, we stood for a second before she brought up my same-sex attraction that I had shared about months ago. She told me she had been wanting to talk to me ever since I had shared my testimony months ago, but never got the chance until now. She didn't speak the best English, but she basically explained to me how if I pray to God that my attractions will go away, and told me that God can make me "love a woman" and that I should get married to a girl and not sit alone at Church. I wanted so badly to explain to her how wrong she was, to make her realize how wrong she was, but I couldn't. She was an older woman, her English wasn't all that great, and I could tell from her tone, firmness, and the tears in her eyes that she honestly believed what she was saying.
     I was frustrated. I was offended. I was sad. How could she honestly believe that? I've heard it before from many other people telling me I chose to be gay, and that I could just pray and God would fix me, but something was different this time. The other times that I heard it said, I was still trying to figure things out myself, so it seemed like feedback more than insult, but this time, since I have an unshakeable testimony about the subject already, it felt like an insult, a slap in the face. I could tell she had the right intentions, but she was sorely misinformed.
     Can I really blame her though? I mean I once believed the same thing. I tried praying and praying and praying begging God to take it away. I mean, why wouldn't I? People hated me because of it. I got bullied, picked on, and I constantly felt un-included and isolated. I even hated myself for it. I honestly believed that I was an abomination to God and that's why he wouldn't take it away. But you know what? My understanding is completely different now. Could God take my attractions away? In theory, yes. God can do anything. But there are certain things God decides not to do, and He always has a reason for it.
     I'll try to explain it this way. Say you were born with only one leg. Do you think that just by praying about it, God would suddenly give you a new leg? Or if you have autism, that just by praying it would suddenly be cured? Or an addiction, does God just instantly take that away? Or you're homeless, does God just make money rain from the sky? God could do all those things, and in some very rare cases he has (scriptures about Christ healing the sick and lame, for example), but for the most part, God gives us support throughout our trials without ever completely curing us. We are given trials in this life so that we can grow spiritually and rely on God more wholly.
     I don't hate the lady who said that to me today, and I don't hate the other people who have told me that. Do I have frustrated emotions to resolve? Yes, but I don't hate them. More than anything I'm sad for them, sad that they misunderstand the gift God gave me. Sad for the people they may meet in the future who deal with SSA who may get the same "Pray the gay away" response from them. Same-sex attraction has definitely had a role in bad things that happened in my life, but it wasn't the sole cause, and ultimately it boils down to my free agency when I make a mistake, and doesn't necessarily point to any one condition or circumstance.
     I just want everyone to know that everyone is human, and everyone deserves just as much respect and love as the next person. God loves all His children, and so should we. We should be careful what we say about sensitive subjects. Don't come to conclusions without first investigating the issue yourself. I recognize that there are stories out there of Christians (both and the LDS faith and others) who claim to have been rid of their same-sex attractions. I'm not here to say it's not possible. If it worked for them, then great for them, but it doesn't mean it works for everyone, and it definitely doesn't mean the people it doesn't work for are sinners. I know that I will not be "free" from my attractions in this life. That isn't part of God's plan for me. And you know what? I'm happy about that. My attractions, my struggles, everything about me has made me who I am today, and I wouldn't trade that for anything in the world.
     There are people who love and support me as best they can, who don't reject me because of things I can't control, and I know that God doesn't reject me either. God loves me completely and wholly.
     I know same-sex attraction is such a complex topic in the Church, but always approach it with sensitivity and care. Don't try to make others' feel like sinners, for we are all sinners. Help them feel like equals. Love them into the gospel, don't reject them in the very place they should be most accepted. Don't enable them to sin, but at the same time don't hate them and drive them away.
     I know I need to work on being more loving and outgoing in my ward, and I know that the Church has the potential to be very loving, welcoming, and understanding of everyone, but there's still a lot of work to do there. Life is good though. I know God lives. I know God loves me. And I know all that He put in my life was meant to bring me closer to Him and become who I was meant to be.

Gay Marriage Legalized

     It has been a while since I've posted on my blog, and in the time I've not posted a lot has happened. One of the things which has been tugging at my mind a lot since its occurrence has been the legalization of gay marriage in Utah (my home state) and many other states in the U.S. The 184th Semiannual General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints was held October 4th-5th of this year (2014), the Monday immediately after the conference, the US Supreme Court made a decision (or rather indecision) effectively allowing states to freely practice same-sex marriages despite opposing votes within the state.
     The Monday morning after conference (October 6, 2014) I was listening to the local news radio (KSL) on my way to work when I heard about the legalization of gay marriage in Utah and other states. I was shocked, I was frustrated. I felt all feelings of love for my country dissipating. I didn't understand how God could let this happen.
     Despite my frustration, I recalled a talk given at the conference the day before. The talk was Loving Others and Living with Differences by Elder Dallin H. Oaks. The talk explained clearly how we, as Latter-day Saints, are to act in regards to the moral issues facing the world today.



Quotes pulled from Loving Others and Living with Differences by Elder Dallin H. Oaks

 



     "Like the Savior, His followers are sometimes confronted by sinful behavior, and today when they hold out for right and wrong as they understand it, they are sometimes called “bigots” or “fanatics.” Many worldly values and practices pose such challenges to Latter-day Saints. Prominent among these today is the strong tide that is legalizing same-sex marriage in many states and provinces in the United States and Canada and many other countries in the world..."
     "In dedicated spaces, like temples, houses of worship, and our own homes, we should teach the truth and the commandments plainly and thoroughly as we understand them from the plan of salvation revealed in the restored gospel. Our right to do so is protected by constitutional guarantees of freedom of speech and religion, as well as by the privacy that is honored even in countries without formal constitutional guarantees..."
     "In public, what religious persons say and do involves other considerations. The free exercise of religion covers most public actions, but it is subject to qualifications necessary to accommodate the beliefs and practices of others. Laws can prohibit behavior that is generally recognized as wrong or unacceptable, like sexual exploitation, violence, or terrorist behavior, even when done by extremists in the name of religion. Less grievous behaviors, even though unacceptable to some believers, may simply need to be endured if legalized by what a Book of Mormon prophet called “the voice of the people” (Mosiah 29:26)..."
     "On the subject of public discourse, we should all follow the gospel teachings to love our neighbor and avoid contention. Followers of Christ should be examples of civility. We should love all people, be good listeners, and show concern for their sincere beliefs. Though we may disagree, we should not be disagreeable. Our stands and communications on controversial topics should not be contentious. We should be wise in explaining and pursuing our positions and in exercising our influence. In doing so, we ask that others not be offended by our sincere religious beliefs and the free exercise of our religion. We encourage all of us to practice the Savior’s Golden Rule: “Whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them” (Matthew 7:12)..."
     "When our positions do not prevail, we should accept unfavorable results graciously and practice civility with our adversaries. In any event, we should be persons of goodwill toward all, rejecting persecution of any kind, including persecution based on race, ethnicity, religious belief or nonbelief, and differences in sexual orientation..."
     "As difficult as it is to live in the turmoil surrounding us, our Savior’s command to love one another as He loves us is probably our greatest challenge. I pray that we may understand this and seek to live it in all of our relationships and activities, in the name of Jesus Christ, amen."

     I realized that gay marriage being legalized is not the end of the world, and that the LDS Church will not fall apart or change its position just because the country's of the world may turn against God's teaching and legalize practices which God deemed sinful. I also realized that, even though I strongly disagree with same-sex marriage, the government is going to do what the voice of the people says, even if it is wrong, but that as a Church, we will continue to follow God's law regardless of laws erected by the government of the people.
     When I got home Monday night, I knelt down a prayed. I prayed more openly than I ever had in the past. I told God everything, all my feelings of doubt, fear, anger, frustration, and I asked him for direction. I asked Him where I was supposed to go now, what I was supposed to fight for, and where my focus should be. I found peace in accepting that the government is going to make their decisions, and I have every right to make mine.
     My new focus is not going to outright oppose the legality of gay marriage (as there is not much, if anything that can be done about that anymore), but instead focusing on keeping my religious freedom, and the religious freedom of the world. As a citizen of the U.S. it is my right, and duty, to defend my religious freedom, and the religious freedom of those around me. Since the legalization of gay marriage, religious rights have been under attack including threats of lawsuit against people refusing to perform marriage ceremonies for same-sex couples due to religious beliefs.
     A song came to mind this week that I feel really applies to the current moral situation of society.

Remain: Royal Tailor

I know you’re feeling weighted down
It’s all on your shoulders
I know the dreams in your head
Don’t look any closer

But I’m gonna make you stronger
Hold on just a little bit longer
‘Cause I’ll be there
When you feel like you’re going under
I’m gonna be there for you
Yeah yeah

The sky could fall
The ground could shake
The stars burn out
And seasons change
The time will pass
And beauty fade
But all my love will remain
All my love will remain
All my love will remain

When there’s a secret to tell
It’s locked and I’ll keep it close
And when you’re walking through fire
I’ll take you to streets of gold

Yeah I’m gonna make you stronger
Hold on just a little bit longer
‘Cause I’ll be there
When you feel like you’re going under
I’m gonna be there for you
Yeah yeah

The sky could fall
The ground could shake
The stars burn out
And seasons change
The time will pass
And beauty fade
But all my love will remain
All my love will remain
All my love will remain

And when the world all around you feels out of place
You can’t seem to find a familiar face
I’m here to remind you my love remains
And you know

The sky could fall
The ground could shake
The stars burn out
And seasons change
The time will pass
And beauty fade
But all my love will remain
All my love will remain
All my love will remain

     No matter what may happen in the world, even if the sky falls, the ground shake, the stars burn out, and seasons change God will always exist, He will always love me and all His children, and He will never forsake His Church. I know that even though the world has views very different to God's law right now, that God's law will not change. Whatever consequences the future holds for myself and people like me, and for my religion, I will stay true to my beliefs. I will stand for what I know what is right, and my opinion and stance will not be shaken. I will love all people even if we have differing opinions, and I will stay close to my Father in Heaven. 



Spoiled

     Today I realized very clearly that God has spoiled me. I have sooo many people in my life who love me so much, and I just take it for granted..... Maybe it's because I don't yet love myself like I should, or maybe it's because I'm oblivious to some things until it hits me in the face and I realize I took it for granted the whole time.
     At my 12-step addiction recovery meeting last week one of the missionaries, an elderly man named Elder Lundt, who has always been kind to me, and said many kind things to me handed me a poem and told me to take it. He gave it to me after the meeting had concluded. He had read the poem to everyone during the meeting, crying while he did because the spirit touched him. He said the poem was so meaningful to him, and he gave me a copy, but no one else in the meeting received one.
     Today at my meeting, Elder Lundt made it a point to say hi to me, ask me how I was, and thank me for coming. We didn't have a facilitator and he asked me to be the first to share. I didn't feel worthy to share at all, this week hasn't been my best, yet out of everyone else, he chose me... I felt special, even though I still felt unworthy. I didn't share anything groundshaking, and felt lame after sharing. I figured for sure someone could have done a better job than me, and that it would've been better if I shared later in the meeting so I would have time to think of what to share, but he chose me to go first.
     After the meeting, Elder Lundt approached me and said "I hope you didn't feel picked on last week when I handed you that poem. I just felt like you needed it." I felt warm inside when he said that. Elder Lundt, a missionary in a 12-step meeting I've only been attending for a few months, cared enough about me to feel like I needed something, and decided to act on it and hand me a poem that meant so much to him.
     After that experience, as I was walking out of my meeting and driving home, I started thinking of how much people in my life love me, and how many times I'm oblivious or take it for granted.... So many people, even people I never ever thought would love me have expressed so much care for me.
     God has blessed me so much with some of the most amazing people ever in my life. I have a family who loves me, even when I'm stubborn, rude, inconsiderate, closed, bitter, angry, or incapable of returning their level of love. I have the best friend in the world who holds me, hugs me, tells me he loves me, turns me to God, puts my name on the temple prayer role basically every week, and spends much of his time with me. I have people who I no longer have strong relationships with who still text me or call me, or say when they see me how much they love and care about me.
     I've had trials in my life, but I've also had so many blessings that I so often forget.... God has spoiled me, and while I don't know why, and don't deserve it, He has chosen to give me so many people who love me so much more than I could ever comprehend, and one of the hardest things for me is knowing that, right now, since I don't love myself, that I can't love them as much as they love me because I don't know how..... yet.....
     This week was full of bitter, stressful, & sad situations, but today I feel like I'm on top of the world. I don't know why God gave me such wonderful loving people in my life, but I do know one thing; I have a lot of gratitude needing to be given, and a lot of work to do to love others' as much as they love me. Life is amazing. And as much as so many people love me, I know there are ones who love me more, and that's my Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ.
     Just one last thing I'll share is the poem Elder Lundt gave to me. It's a great poem, and I feel so blessed for it, and everything else I've been given in my life.

 Even If

(by: unknown)

 

Even If;

Your heart is breaking

Your mind is unclear

Your tired and restless and full of fear

Come to me-

even if

You say words you shouldn't

You don't do things you should

You doubt and try to change,

but never think you could.

Come to me-

even if

You thought an evil thought

You thought the thought again

You turned the thought to action and now your bound in sin.

Come to me-

even if

You say "But I knew better, I belong to you"

Child, I am not surprised by anything you do.

I made you in my image I fashioned you with care,

When you cried tears into your pillow, remember I was there.

I have always been and always will be.

For even when you do those things, you still belong to me.

Even if you do these things, Oh child, don't you see?

Even if, even if, you still can come to me.

There is a secret place I have created where you may seek my face,

this place I have for you is called "The Father's Warm Embrace"

And when I have held you in my arms and rocked you, listening closely to your fears,

I will place you on my lap, and wipe away your tears.

Then, I will smile. A smile to let you know I am pleased.

For when you hurt and when you sinned, still- you came to me.

So, do not draw back from me my child,

I am Abba Father to you, remember in my words I said -Behold,

I make all things new.

I will forgive you, heal you, restore you,

I will shower you with grace.

I will never turn my back to you, but you will see my face.

On your journey home, when I see you I will run....

Even if, Even if, My child, even if just come. 

 

    

Climbing

    So my life has been moving a lot the past little while. I've applied for college, and am basically guaranteed to be accepted once my high school transcripts are received and entered. Once that happens, I will be going to LDS Business College for Fall Semester this year, and classes start September 10th. I'm super nervous and scared, especially since I've heard that college is harder than high school, and that there's more homework.... and I suck at doing homework.... in fact, the main reason I failed a few classes in high school was because I didn't do my homework.
    Then there's the issue of figuring out time once I get in to college. I already have a 40+ minute commute to work, and 40+ minute commute back. That's over an hour of driving just to get to and from work. Then I have the issue of trying to figure out how many hours I'll even be able to work, and trying to find time for family and time to spend with my best friend David. Plus, on top of all that, my job is South of my home, while college will be North, making my daily commute significantly longer, cutting even further into my time. I'm trying to figure out if driving my car will even be worth it... or if I should get a pass for a bus or for the frontrunner.
     I'm still battling addiction, and trying to figure out life. I'm working on becoming worthy to receive the Melchezidek Priesthood. I've been doing a lot better. Before Saturday (August 2nd) I was 4 days away from being a full month sober. Unfortunately I let my guard down and messed up Saturday, and immediately after the relapse I experienced old thinking habits and justifications resurface. Immediately I told myself I could just justify it, that it wasn't "really" a relapse, and if I didn't do it again, everything would be fine... above all, I just didn't want to "lose" the month of sobriety I was just days away from reaching.
     As the day went on after my slip up, the truth started to hit me, and I realized I couldn't just justify it, and that I couldn't lie. It was a relapse and I just had to admit it. I was crushed. Going nearly a month was a huge feat for me, and knowing I had just lost it from one stupid decision that wasn't worth it at all made me feel hopeless, worthless, and lost. I became extremely depressed. I attempted to take my life, and was luckily unsuccessful, but it scared me.... scared me to think of what I had almost done, and that the consequence would be permanent...
     After the failed attempt I  was able to call my best friend David and work things out, stabilizing my emotions, and regaining hope. Since Saturday I've been clean, and have been doing a lot better.
     Life has been crazy, and I have no idea how things will work out.... my personal relationship with God hasn't been the best, but I'm trying to make it better, and even with the struggle, I still know things will work out. There are lots of changes happening in my life, lots of things I'm scared for, but it will work out. Somehow.... I just need to trust God, and I've got the best friend in the world to help me through it.



     Life can be hard, life can be scary, but looking back now, I'm so happy God has spared my life, even with all my dumb decisions, and that I'm still here to enjoy it. I have a great life, even if sometimes it's flawed or hard. I have a great family, a great home, a great job, the best friend in the world, and a God who doesn't turn His back on me no matter how many times I turn my back on Him. Is life worth the climb? Definitely.
    

Name Change?

     If you've read my blog before, and just recently came back on to read this new post, or others, you may have noticed that I have changed the name of my blog. I promise you it is just that, a name change, and I'll explain why I changed the name of my blog from "Living My Faith With SSA" to "Gay, Single, & Mormon".
      When I first created my blog, it was as an expansion to my first blog which was part of an assignment in my Journalism class when I was a Senior in High School. When I made my second blog, I was still in class, and all my classmates would easily be able to link to it through my original blog, and as such I was tentative. I wanted my blog to be vague, yet still straight forward in its message, so that I could say what I needed to say without as much of a chance of backlash or offending someone.
     In the process of naming my blog, I also wanted to choose a name that clearly communicated on its own that I was a faithful member of the Church, and for me, using an acronym to explain same-sex attraction (SSA) seemed to communicate that more clearly than stating 'gay' in my title, so it's what I chose to use. I wasn't expecting my blog to be viewed by the world, just a few people, mainly those close to me. I hadn't thought the consequences out when choosing the name of my blog.
     For the past few months the name of my blog has been on my mind. I've been feeling like I want my blogs reach to be expanded. Not because I want a million views (I'm not even 1/10 of the way there), or because I think my blog is the best and I want everyone in the world to read it, it's because I want it to be available to someone searching for answers, or maybe even someone just searching and not knowing what they'll find.
     I've been thinking about the name of my blog, and yes the original name was great, but what it was missing is reach. A small portion of the world would ever use the acronym "SSA" to describe homosexual attractions, and I've been wishing I had thought through the name of my blog more thoroughly before naming it, but what's done is done, and I'm changing it now.
    While I was sitting in Church today, I had the distinct impression to change the name of my blog, and so I'm now following that impression. I hope it doesn't throw anyone off, or make me any enemies, I just felt like I needed to in order to reach more people searching or in need. And don't worry, despite the name change, nothing else (in my control) will be changing about this blog. It's still my main blog, and though it has been a long time since my last post, I will still try to post as frequently as I am prompted and have time.
     Love you all! I'm not sure what this change will bring, but I will trust with excited patience to see how things turn out. I know God must have had a purpose in it, and who knows, maybe I'll be the one to grow most from this.

Praise You In This Storm

    I've had a lot going on this past week; quitting my job, hitting 3 weeks of complete sobriety, weaning myself of my medication, trying to find God, etc. Through it all I've been on an emotional rollercoaster, switching between highs and lows quickly and unpredictably. For the first time in  the entire history of my blog, I got hate comments and even hate emails from people upset with my last post Gay Marriage. I can deal with hate emails and comments, I've been persecuted for my beliefs as well, but what hurt me most was to see people get so angry, and so hard-hearted over something I feel so strongly about and that I've had God confirm to me multiple times, and to see them turn against God because of a misunderstanding they've come to accept as truth.
     Throughout all the highs and lows, stress, and challenges this week, I've also been able to learn a lot, and grow closer to God. One thing I realized this week was that there are multiple pieces to "me". One negative belief I've had about myself for some time is that I am malicious and cruel, and there is a part of me who fits that role. That part of me represents the young me who put up walls, and sought to hurt people before they could hurt me. He is like a defense mechanism who has existed in my subconscious for years, often unseen. He carries all the hurt, pain, lies, and betrayal I've felt and experienced throughout my life, and he has been the one who lashes out at others because he's scared to be hurt anymore.
     It's like I'm just a big puzzle, and if anyone asked me who Mitchell Clark really is, I don't think I could answer them, because honestly he is so jumbled and broken, that I don't know who he is anymore. Is he a kind person, a loving person, a hateful person, malicious, cruel, caring? I don't know... to me, he is all of those, yet none of them at the same time. I am lost from myself, and I'm still trying to put the pieces back together to figure out who he is, who I am.
     I was able to see this part of myself yesterday while I was spending time with my best friend.  I remember telling him exactly how I felt, exactly who Mitchell is, and what he does, that he lashes out and stores every negative thing anyone has ever done to me or around me. I looked him in the eyes and said "Do you love him, do you love the real me? Does God love him too?" and with tears in his eyes my friend told me yes, and embraced me, and I started sobbing. Never had anyone told me they loved that part of me, and I didn't understand how anyone could. I have never liked that side of me, I've never understood him. How on earth could anyone ever love him? But there was no lie in the 'yes' my friend told me, and I had never felt my walls crumble like they did in that moment. All the masks, walls, facades, they all crumbled in that moment, and disappeared for a time, and that young, scared, hurt part of me was embraced and told he was loved, and all I could do was cry.
     It got me thinking of what it means to truly be loved, to be loved for every single part of me. Even the broken, lost parts. And that God loves me for ever single part of me that has ever existed, and that prior to that moment, I had been blind to that.
     On my way home I listened to a song I had downloaded on my phone a while ago, but had never really listened to. It was "Praise You In This Storm" by Casting Crowns, and the entire drive home from my friends house that night, I listened to the song on replay, singing a long, and crying the entire time, looking to Heaven, and wondering how God loves me like He does. I praised God that entire 40 minutes home, sobbing as I thought of what He had given me, sobbing as a little lost part of me started to come to the surface, and begin to be free. Throughout all the fear, pain, highs and lows, and craziness of life, particularly the past 2 weeks, God has still heard my voice, and still been watching out for me, always trying to tell me "Mitchell, I love you, all of you." And I can only hope in time, I will be able to hear His voice more clearly and regularly.
     I love my God, I love the people He has put in my life, and I love all the blessings He has given me. Life will continue to be hard and trying, finding all the pieces of me that have been scattered and lost for years will be time-consuming, and hard, but I am willing to try, and I know I have people in my life who are willing to help me and love me very step of the way, and I am so thankful God gave me them, and gave me the chance to know of His love and gospel. Despite hardship, trials, lows, and pain, life is so amazing, and I can't wait until the day when I hear God's voice again more regularly and clearly.

Praise You In This Storm

Casting Crowns
(P.S. I watched this video, and not all of the lyrics are correct, but I wrote out the lyrics with what they should say underneath this video, so please refer to that for correct lyrics.)

Or watch at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z0LV_p3HQQI#t=91

I was sure by now, God you would have reached down

And wiped our tears away, Stepped in and saved the day.

But once again, I say amen And it's still raining

As the thunder rolls I barely hear your whisper through the rain

I'm with you And as your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise The God who gives and takes away

And I'll praise you in this storm And I will lift my hands

That you are who you are No matter where I am

And every tear I've cried You hold in your hand

You never left my side And though my heart is torn

I will praise you in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind

You heard my cry you raised me up again

My strength is almost gone how can I carry on

If I can't find you

As the thunder rolls

I barely hear you whisper through the rain

I'm with you

And as your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise

The God who gives and takes away

And I'll praise you in this storm

And I will lift my hands

That you are who you are

No matter where I am

And every tear I've cried

You hold in your hand

You never left my side

And though my heart is torn

I will praise you in this storm

I lift my eyes unto the hills

Where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord

The maker of heaven and earth

I lift my eyes unto the hills

Where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord

The maker of heaven and earth

And I'll praise you in this storm

And I will lift my hands

That you are who you are

No matter where I am

And every tear I've cried

You hold in your hand

You never left my side

And though my heart is torn

I will praise you in this storm

And though my heart is torn

I will praise you in this storm