Addiction & Leaving the Church

     Before you read any of my post, please watch this video. Quick preface, it is a TED Talk. There are things TED Talks cover that I don't agree with. In this video specifically there are a few lines I disagree with. But overall I think it's absolutely amazing and illuminating, so please watch before reading further:

(Video not showing up? Click here)

There's also an article that adds a bit more to the discussion that you can access here 

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    Alright, hopefully you've watched the video by now. I watched it for the first time earlier this week because someone had shared it on Facebook. I won't lie, it sort of blew my mind at first. As I thought about it more, it made sense. Really it did. But starting out, like he mentioned, I had been taught that addiction was all about the chemical hooks. I believed it. I thought it was something wrong with me chemically and spiritually, and that I just needed to tackle it on my own, and if I couldn't overcome it, then I must be a failure.

     For those of you who have read my blog before, you know that my primary addictions have been pornography and masturbation. Those are the addictions I relapse on most frequently, but I'm also addicted to self-harm, food, video games, etc. My first exposure to pornography and masturbation happened when I was about 10 or 11 years old.

     One thing the video and article touched on that really got me thinking was they mentioned that trauma makes it difficult to trust people, and therefore difficult to feel connected, and therefore make you prone to addictions. I looked back on my own life, my past, to see what I could identify, and needless to say there was a fair amount. I was physically and emotionally mistreated by people I trusted when I was young, I was bullied a lot from elementary school, up until I graduated high school. I was excluded from peer groups within my own ward. Scouts and young mens activities were difficult for me. I rarely felt like I belonged, I observed that sometimes I was treated differently than my peers, and I didn't have any male friends.

   

     I had a male friend when I was young. I talked about him in My Story. I remember loving his friendship. I enjoyed spending time with him. Everything seemed to be going well, until sexual exploration entered our relationship. At the time, I think both he and I were too young to understand what we were doing. It was driven by curiosity, and it just seemed like part of our relationship. We were caught a few times, though, and he would be quickly sent home, and I would usually receive some type of punishment. I remember how shocked my parents were each time... I remember how much confusion and pain I felt. Here was a relationship I valued, that had an aspect I didn't fully understand, and I was told very strongly that it was wrong and bad, and needed to end. This friend and I eventually stopped spending time together. We got into a fight, and he moved away shortly after. This all happened when I was probably only 8 or 9. The experience was traumatic enough, though, that I feared friendships with boys. I never wanted my parents to react that like that around me again, I never wanted to go through the pain of losing a friend again, and I tied all of the emotions to boys. I decided that I never wanted another friend that was a boy again.

     That resolve did not hold, of course. I ended up needing male friendships, craving them, praying for them. I would watch the Lord of the Rings movies, and then go to my room and cry myself to sleep. Seeing the friendship that Frodo and Sam had was something I craved so deeply that anytime I watched the movies, I was reminded of what I didn't have, and felt like I couldn't have, and would become depressed. The same was true in my daily life. When I saw true male friends interacting with each other, I would come home and cry.

     When I found pornography, it became a replacement. I didn't feel like I could ever have real male friends in this life, but I could convince myself I was having a relationship through pornography. My searches for pornography were rarely random. They would instead focus on a few individuals that I felt I had some form of relationship with. Was it a false and unhealthy relationship? Yes. Most definitely. But it was all I felt I could have in this life. Masturbation was a similar situation. I would use it to create synthetic relationships in my mind, though other times I would just use it in an attempt to numb the pain and loneliness.

     Now that I finally have real relationships with men in my life, I feel like my addictions are better than they were in the past, but they're not gone yet. I have connection in my life like I never have had before, but I still isolate at times. When I go to church, I sit alone. I don't feel like I have friends in my ward. When I was in the Pathway program, I would sit alone during class. I have people in my immediate life that I have connection with, but I lack external connections that I feel are necessary, too.

     I feel like I'm jumping all over with this post... I came here with a specific goal in mind, and instead got distracted by my own life and thoughts.

     What I really want to write in this post is a thought/comparison I had about the idea of connection. A theme I've noticed in my life this past month has been people that my family and friends know who are gay have been leaving the church to pursue romance with members of the same gender. A friend my older sister had in high school came out as gay a while ago. At the time he was a member of the church. Just recently, he married his same-sex partner. A member of my home ward who is a bit younger than me who also came out as gay not too long ago recently decided to leave the church, and now has a boyfriend. My best friend had a guy he was meeting with who is gay that he was trying to reactivate in the church, and it seemed to be going well, but just a couple weeks ago, he told my friend he is no longer interested in the church, and now has a boyfriend.

     I've been perplexed, I guess. A big mistake I've been making for quite some time now is assuming that those who leave the church, for any number of reasons, are leaving because they just aren't strong enough, or because they're just making poor decisions. I want to apologize for thinking this way. I really do. I've been working on myself, trying to become more loving and understanding. I'm making progress, but I have a ways to go still. The reason I bring this up is that the TED Talks video realy changed my perspective on it this week.

     I want to make clear that I'm not comparing same-sex attraction to addiction. I'm very aware that it's a different issue entirely. But I believe that connection has much more prevalence in our life than just helping us overcome addiction. I had a thought this week... what if these people are leaving the church because they are not getting their needs met in their wards, and from friends and family? As a gay man myself, I know how desperately I need real physical connections with people, especially men. And I also know how difficult it is to find that in the LDS culture. The LDS doctrine may be true, but wow... LDS culture is honestly corrupt in some ways. So if they have innate needs, that aren't being met in the church, where can they turn? Well, to romance of course. That's what our culture dictates. If I need a hand to hold, I either need to be a young and cute child, or I need to be romantically involved. If I go to church and hold hands with my male best friend, the assumption for most would be that we are romantically involved.

     I think I understand now why I've heard some LGBT members of the church say they need to leave the church otherwise they'll take their life. I can't speak for people, but I can't help but feeling that maybe they're right... not in the sense of doctrine, but culture... they have innate physical needs that they need met in order to be healthy, but culture dictates that they can't have it unless it's romantic and sexual... so they leave. And I honestly don't think I can say I blame them anymore... I used to. I used to be judgmental of those who left, but I think I understand now... at least part of it...

     Do I want people to leave the church? No. I feel sorry for them. Really, I do. They should have been loved, they should have been shown that they mattered. As a church that claims to represent Christ, we should be completely loving. Not just accepting. I think accepting is less of an issue in our culture (though still an issue). I think love is where we lack. I don't feel comfortable asking for hugs from my ward, even from my own bishop sometimes. That shouldn't be the case. I should feel comfortable approaching members of my ward and expressing my needs. I should likewise be willing to meet the needs of those who express them to me as far as I am able.

     Now I want to point out that agency is most definitely a factor. I don't believe life should be all rainbows and butterflies. Membership in the church can be hard sometimes, there will be trials of our faith, and the actions of the members around us should not dictate our spiritual journey and well-being... at the same time, however, we desperately need love in our congregations.... Sometimes I feel the need to shout it from the pulpit, but I really don't know if it would change anything... The change needs to start with me. I need to be someone who expresses love to those around me, the same love I always craved, but rarely received. If I don't, there's little hope of me changing anything.

     Just a couple weeks ago, I was sitting next to someone in my ward who is comfortable with physical touch. It was so nice to have someone I could sit next to in sacrament meeting, and give a back scratch to. I could see some members squirming in discomfort in seeing the display of affection, especially when we were in elder's quorum. But you know what? I'm thankful I had that opportunity. He's out of the ward for now because he left for college, but having someone I can be a cultural example with during church was a great opportunity.

     One other thing I just thought of that could be a great help to addicts, LGBT members, and really anyone with any kind of trials in their life, would be to stop the culture of shaming... the video mentions that shaming addicts doesn't help them overcome addictions, and often just exacerbates the issue. Couldn't the same be said for other situations? For me, I already believe I'm a horrible sinner and terrible person. I'm trying to change that false belief and hatred I have about myself, but it is never helped when people walk up to the pulpit and preach about how such and such are such awful sins, and how everyone needs to repent, etc. etc. etc. Don't get me wrong, these things need to be discussed. Repentance especially is a core part of the gospel of Christ. But I know about repentance, I know I sin and fall short... What I need is a hospital, a place I can go to be loved and healed, not ridiculed and simply diagnosed. Rather than talk about how addictions are awful and make you unworthy, let's discuss how to love addicts and help them come out of cycles. Rather than talk about how evil gay marriage is, lets discuss how to love our LGBT members and keep them active in the church. Rather than talk about how tea and coffee are terrible, let's discuss how to help each other become healthier, and maybe stop eating sugar-loaded foods at church activities.

     I've known other people in my life who have left the church because they felt persecuted and judged. I love these people. I want them to come back to the church. And while I don't know their whole story, I can't help but wonder if the persecution they felt led to a lack of connection which was then attributed to the LDS Church, and I really can't blame them for leaving because they were mistreated. Yes, you shouldn't let members dictate your testimony. If people in my life did, with the way I've treated people in my past, some of them likely would leave the Church, too. But that's not an excuse to be complacent. The culture in the church needs to change. We shouldn't just love people when they're going through a crisis, or when they're returning to the gospel... They should be loved always, because you never know when they may feel disconnected enough that they turn away.

     I really feel so strongly that I want to better connect to the people in my ward. I really want to make an effort to do it. I want to change culture, I need to change culture, even if it's just my own personal culture, if I have any hope of staying an active member. I need connection in my life, and I am so thankful for those I do have who are willing to give it to me. My best friend, my family, and especially God. I've struggled with loving people in the past, I struggle with loving myself, but in both areas I'm slowly improving. My desire right now is that everyone has the ability to feel connected and loved. Ideally this means people in your life love you coupled with the love of God. But I understand that's not the case for everyone, and I can only imagine how hard that must be, but I believe that God can make up the difference, and make it right somehow. Hold on. You are loved. Reach out to those around you. Show them that you love them, too. Together, maybe we can make this world a better place.

Much Love,
     Mitchell Clark.

Held In His Arms...

     It has been a while since I've posted, yet it feels like it has been forever. Life has been throwing me around in all different directions. Just last week, I was struggling with my faith and testimony so much I thought I would leave the Church, or at least stop going. This Sunday at Church, my ward had a lesson during priesthood and relief society (it was combined) that I felt was inappropriate for as a full block meeting, and so I said something during that meeting. Sharing my addictions and SSA was part of what I said in objection to the topic being taught, and my bishop waived my concerns, accompanied by sneers and hand gestures of distaste from my fellow ward members. I felt extremely unwelcomed in my own ward, and wanted nothing more than to leave the class right then, but didn't. Instead I waited until Church was through and left as promptly as I could feeling hurt and disrespected.
     I realized I hadn't been praying at all for almost 2 weeks straight, and I wasn't reading my scriptures either. I had a few relapses with my addictions, my depression hit hard, death seemed to be a constant topic of my thoughts, and meaning in life was minimal. Any potential love I could have felt for myself was completely void. My contact with God had practically ceased, and in my loneliness and hurt, I became angry and frustrated with God believing He had left me, and that it was His fault I was struggling. This only fed my separation from Him further, resulting in me pushing Him out of my life, while still ignorantly questioning why He was letting life become so hard and why I felt so abandoned.
      Then, a blessing God sent me over half a year ago who has been my best friend reminded me that God loved me, and that if I was going to be happy again, I'd need to let Him back into my life. I made a resolve earlier this week to get myself on my knees to pray to God, to read my scriptures, and to listen for that still small voice. It hasn't been easy by any means, and it has only been a couple days, but I can already see a difference.
     I've also decided to start a gratitude journal which, unlike the majority of my writing, will be for my eyes only unless I feel the need to share it with someone. I will share a few things that I am most thankful for. My best friend who has been by my side through some of the worst moments of my life, listened to my deepest heartaches, known of my biggest regrets, and through it all has loved me more than I thought any human could and has constantly turned me to God. My family, who I have constantly hurt and pushed away, yet they help me as I am trying to figure out life, and love me and invite me home to be with them even when I make mistakes. The pets I've had, both here and passed, and the impact they've had. A Heavenly Father who loves me perfectly, and forgives me even when I knowingly disobey Him, completely betray Him, and push Him away; who holds me and tells me He loves me even if sometimes I can't hear or feel. For the unique gifts God has given me, and the people in my life.
     I've realized that my favorite feeling in the entire world is being held by someone I love, to feel a close connection, not just physically, but spiritually, socially, and emotionally. When someone I love gives me a real, loving hug, runs their hands through my hair, rubs my shoulders, shows me affection, that's when I feel the best. Through the people in my life who love me, I am constantly reminded of the even more powerful and true love God has for me. Sometimes I look at the American culture and see how much it has misconstrued affection, particularly for men, and it saddens me to know most people in the US may never experience true and loving affection, but at the same time, in my case, it makes me even more thankful for the people in my life willing to disregard incorrect social norms and show me physical affection.
     It will definitely still be a journey to come close to God again, and to find true happiness, direction, success, and fulfilment in this life, but I know I can attain it because of my Savior Jesus Christ who loves me, forgives me, and atoned for me. I love God, I love the blessings He has given me, and I love the people He has put in my life. Life has a funny way to throw me into the deepest pits, chain me in the cruelest dungeons, and break me in a million ways, but God always shows me the way to climb back up again, break free of my bonds, see the sweet in the bitter, and help me attain true happiness. I know I've felt great happiness this week as I've turned back to Him. And when I am held in His arms, there is nothing I can't do.

     If anyone is struggling, if anyone reading this feels like there is no hope, that you don't know where you're going in life, you don't know how you can make it another day, or maybe you just don't feel as close to God as you would like, I promise you there is hope. I promise there is a God who loves you, and I promise no matter what you decide, no matter what you've done, He will always love you, and always want you back home with Him.



Music: The Fight Between Good and Evil

     Today I came across perhaps the most empowering song I've ever heard while listening to a Christian station on Pandora. I have extremely powerful emotions towards music and the effect it can have on its listeners. My opinion on music might even match the impact my emotions towards SSA. Now before I start a tangent, I'll explain some more and then give you the song.
     So my life and music have always been on extremes. For much of my youth, I honestly hated music. I hated all music. Before iPods and MP3's (yes, even though I'm 19, I remember those times) when it was all about stereos and boomboxes, I never even wanted one. I mean, I had no reason to have one. Even when iPods and MP3's started coming out, I never had a desire to get one, after-all I hated music at the time. Then me and music got a new relationship.
     Just a while before starting middle-school I finally started opening up to music, and even started to love singing. I started out mainly listening to instrumental music, and much of it was world instrumental. I dabbled a little into vocal music, and that's where I developed a love for singing. This phase of only instrumental with a tiny bit of vocals only lasted about a year or so. After that, me and music took another twist.
     I ended up diving in to vocal music, almost all at once, and listened to the music that was popular for kids (usually radio Disney which was still cool back then). It was another quick transition from that to something else too. I ended up getting an MP3 player, and dove into another extreme, and that was music that was popular at that time for teenagers and older. This was during the big rise in hip-hop, rap, and electronic-pop-dance music. This was a big change from what I had listened to previously.
     As you can probably guess, my new relationship with music which led me to hip-hop and rap led me to find some pretty bad songs. This phase in my life lasted up until about 2 years ago, and lasted 4-5 years of my life. I was getting into music that was worse and worse. I started listening to awful songs, songs that would swear every-other word, songs that were extremely sexually explicit, and songs that were just evil and dark in nature. It wasn't long after this phase started that my life started spiralling out of control.
     It got to the point where I had no morals about music anymore, and nothing phased me. It didn't matter how much profanity, sex, drugs, or evil was in a song, as long as I liked it, I listened to it. It started influencing me, even though I never really thought about it at the time. I would listen to that music when I was feeling low, and it would drive me lower, but somehow I loved it, or at least thought I did. Music was a deciding factor in my actions, and even my free agency and was a huge influence on me driving me further and further from God. In fact, now that I think about it, I really believe it was the music I listened to that drove me from the Church, and I don't even just think, I know it was a big part of it. The music I listened to destroyed me spiritually.
     It wasn't until I got sent to inpatient treatment that I really had time to think about what I was doing in life, including the media I had decided to listen to and participate in. It was during my stay in treatment that I realized how deep music had pulled me, and how much it was destroying me inside. It's crazy to think I went from hating music, to loving it, and then getting into the worst music I could've found. Now you might think I'm talking about some kind of music you couldn't find listed on the home page of iTunes, but that's actually the exact music I'm talking about, or at least the artists. It was the "popular" music of the time that was my downfall. Lady Gaga, Kesha, Pitbull, Jesse McCartney, Katy Perry, etc. They, and so many other popular artists, were what destroyed me.
     After my stay in inpatient treatment, I resolved to change the music I listened to. At first, I decided I'd get rid of all my songs that swore at what I considered "too often". After a month or so, I realized that wasn't enough. I still had these awful evil feelings and influences, so I decided to re-evaluate. I got rid of all songs I had that swore at all. Things got better, but after a month or two, I started to notice evil influences in my life still. I was still hitting lows because of music. I took another look into it.
     This time I took out all my music that was sexually suggestive, any song that had innapropriate references, gone. Things improved a little, but still, evil influences, bad feelings, low points and sin. I re-evalutated again the music I listened to. This time, deciding to eliminate any music that contained indirect references to anything sexual. Again, more improvement, but a month later, still evil there. This time I decided I really needed to do something big. I needed to sacrifice something more for God if I was ever going to improve.
    I did a huge evaluation of all the music I had. I decided this time that I wouldn't just eliminate individual songs, but if there was an artist who sung any song with any profanity, sexual reference, drug references, anything evil, then every single song from that artist went bye-bye, no matter how "positive" an individual song sung by them may have been. I decided to judge the music by emotion too. Any song that invoked anger or hate, gone. I used to listen to heavy rock, that was gone because it provoked anger and hate. I dropped entire genres. Rap and hip-hop, completely deleted, metal and heavy rock, completely gone. Needless to say, my music library was cut in more than just half. I had a fraction left of what I had had before.
     It was not an easy process, getting rid of all that music, especially because I had spent money on it, and there was no way to return it. It was also hard to get rid of it, because did I like it? Yeah, it was fun to dance to and sing to, but the destruction it had heaped on me was so much worse than any "fun" that came from it, and the disobedience from God's law that it was compromised who I wanted to be. I was pretty much out of music to listen to, my library was tiny and I loved music but had little-to-nothing to listen to. This is when I came across a new kind of music; Christian.
     Christian is now essentially all I listen to, and has been perhaps one of the biggest blessings God has given me. The evil influence, destruction, and corruption my previous playlist once caused me has been replaced by good, uplifting, and inspiring music always drawing me closer to God, and I still think there's room to improve, in fact after this post, I'm going to filter my music library yet again.
     The process of change has not been easy. Some people may laugh at this because evil music has become so normal that it's funny to think someone tries to avoid it like pornography or drugs, but honestly I've had to treat music just like my addictions. I've had relapses on my bad music since I deleted it all. As amazing as the radio in my car is, and as amazing as Pandora has been in helping me find amazing Christian and LDS music, they've also both been extremely dangerous for me. I've had times where I've listened to evil music on the radio or Pandora since I deleted almost my entire music library.
     This is the part people might laugh or smile on, but I've even caught myself justifying listening to songs that aren't in and of themselves evil, but by an artist who has a lot of really bad music, and even that influences me for evil, regardless of how "good" the individual song may be. Satan has literally tempted me to return to old music through so many different avenues, including factors that I can't control, and so I have to be constantly vigilant about what's going on around me to avoid the temptations that can cause me to go back to listening to bad artists or songs.
     I have such powerful emotions towards music because I have been everywhere with music. I once hated all music, then I got into it and listened to strictly instrumental, then I got into lyrical, dove into popular music, delved into absolutely evil music, and made a slow and painful recovery climbing out of the dark hole and finding my way back to God by deleting my music library. I have such strong emotions because I see people being destroyed by music every day, even people in the Church who you would never suspect. People delving into music that seems "innocent" enough, but ultimately leads to worse things. Just like drugs have "gateway" drugs (lesser drugs that easily and almost always lead to worse drugs) I believe and know for a fact that there is also gateway music. I have a testimony of music for both sides, good and evil, and I know what an influence music can be.
     I am a Child of God, and I will never sell my soul for the evil of this world. I honestly feel that music is something I would fight for. If I could go to war against evil music, even with a risk of losing my life, I honestly believe I would. If I knew I had a chance to change the world, to change music as it is, I would happily seize the opportunity.
     I want to challenge every single person who reads this post to go look at the music you listen to, the movies you watch, the channels you turn to on the TV, the talk-shows or other media you watch or listen to, even the pictures you have on your walls and as the wallpaper on  your electronic devices. Look at them, and honestly, 100% think about whether these bring you closer to God, closer to who you want to be, or whether they are doing the opposite. Think about the effects it may have on you even indirectly. I promise I never saw the full affects of music on me until I looked back on it and saw how destructive it really was.
     I honestly desire that every single person who reads this post will re-evaluate their lives in every aspect, and really think about what things you're letting affect you, and whether you mean to let them affect you or not. It's amazing how such small things that may seem so insignificant can effect us in the biggest ways.



     I almost want to end the post here, but I promised a song, and so I will post it and let you check it out. This song is what inspired this post. This song makes direct jabs at many popular artists of this day like Lady Gaga, Katy Perry, Kanye West, and Kesha. I love this song, I really do. I'll end the post with this, and I'll post the song and lyrics and highlight the lyrics that really stuck out and meant something to me. Don't let the media control your life, let God be your guide, not media be your dictator and deceiver. I love you all. I hope you all walk away from this with the ability to see the things that influence you, and that God will bless you with the ability to identify and remove the negative.

If the video isn't available here, visit it on youtube at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GlIGjHrv-WM

 

Control

Royal Tailor

 

This world is, ra, ra
In a bad romance, going, ga, ga
You know we're gettin' played
By the love game

And hypnotized by all the fame
But I believe we can't back down from the fight
It's not okay with me to just be silent
Won't be silent, silent

No, we won't let them take control
We won't go with the flow
We've got to stand together

It's all plastic and I can't be a fake
It's all static, every word that they say
We won't let them take control
Won't let them take control

Life is short, baby, tik tok
Ain't got no time for your, blah, blah
(Nah, nah, nah)
'Cause girl, we don't need your drug

No, no, we don't what you're calling love
'Cause I believe that you're either yes or no
You're hot or cold
No teenage dream could ever be worth your soul
Never worth your soul

Burn like a fire
Shine like a diamond
See a flash when I smile
Brighter than Kanye's
Comes to the heart

Gotta guard what we buyin'
Can't you see they all got you tryin'
To fall in love with your stereo

So they control what you think
And everywhere you go
But greater is He who lives inside of we know
He won't lose fight, that's right

The Reason

     Sometimes in life, I find myself wishing I had something more than I currently have, without realizing what I've wanted for years and years of my life is right in front of me. God has blessed me with an amazing best friend and an amazing family. I am loved and supported beyond what I can even believe. There are so many people pulling for me, even some people I hardly know at all, or simply don't know at all. It's funny when I catch myself looking at what I have or what I don't have, and wishing certain things were different when I have more than I even deserve.
     Funny how I'm getting a calling in my YSA ward and am nervous to take it and not too excited for it, yet just the month before and up until the day I was informed I wanted a calling, I wanted something to help me feel included. Then, here I am getting asked to accept a calling, and of course saying yes, but feeling inadequate and partially wishing I hadn't been asked, but still excited and hopeful. It's definitely going to get me more involved, which could honestly be a very good thing. And you know what? Now that I write about it, and think about my emotions, I am excited for it! Stressed, yes, scared, definitely, worried, for sure, but still hopeful and excited. Life, am I right?
     I've had so many things thrown my way this past week in emails and other things, people expressing their opinion regarding the Church's standards and morals, and what they think they "should" be. It brought me to think of a talk that was given in sacrament meeting last Sunday where the speaker mentioned pride in correlation to God. When we are prideful, puffed up, stubborn, etc. we often believe that our will tops that of anyone else, including God. That our opinion is more right, more correct, better, even more righteous than another's opinion (even God sometimes).
     I know I've been prideful like that before, I even catch myself now sometimes, but one thing that stuck out to me was the fact that when we are being prideful, we're essentially telling God "Oh, I'm smarter than you God, my will is more correct than yours, I know more than you." If we look at the morals God has put in place and believe they are incorrect (which I myself am guilty of at times) we are going against God Himself, not "the Church", not the prophet, not our bishop or leaders. God's morals do not hinge on the leadership of the Church, they are solely from God, and Church leaders are merely instruments and guides in His hands.
     Watch me bring this up again..... Yep.... Here it comes. Gay marriage. I'm part of North Star which is a support group for those who are LDS and experience SSA. Recently I've seen so many people stating that they don't agree with the Church's stance on gay marriage, the family, etc. That they don't believe the Church has any right to have jurisdiction over it. But then it comes down to the core, is it really "the Church" that they're disagreeing with? Or ultimately is it God who they're disagreeing with and calling wrong, saying that they know better than Him? Hey, I'll admit it, I'm imperfect and have been prideful before and put my beliefs above God's. I'm not proud of that, but I'll admit it. It just saddens me to see people so blinded by pride as I once was and turning against God, misplacing their conflicts of belief on the Church rather than realizing it's God's law they disagree with, not exclusively "the Church".
     God is eternal, His laws are eternal, and do not hinge on social norms, moral changes in society, or anything regarding human beliefs or traditions. Maybe someday everyone will understand that, and maybe someday I'll fully understand it too, I'm definitely imperfect.
     Topic change *whoosh* ;) So my 12-step addiction recovery group I go to every Sunday and have been attending for over a year and a half just keeps getting better and better. My 12-step group is mainly for porn and masturbation addictions, but we have group members there who deal with other addictions as well, and I share about my SSA and self-harming in that group as well. I'm the only one (as far as I know) in that group who experiences SSA (with the exception of one who no longer attends) and yet I have found so much acceptance, love, and patience from my fellow group members. It's amazing how God works miracles through people regardless of differences in trials and experiences.



     So this post was probably a bunch of super random paragraphs that were all over the place, but life is definitely good. God loves me, and I'm doing better at loving Him as I should, and accepting His love for me. I'm learning to better control my emotions, and be closer to God. Life is great, isn't it?
    
    

The Awful Beast Named Addiction

     Addiction is one of Satan's greatest tools. So often actions, choices, and substances seem harmless to indulge in just once, or at least that is how Satan wishes us to perceive it. Addiction can begin on the first action, the first choice, the first use.
     Addiction is versatile too. People can become addicted to sex, pornography, drugs, self-harming, masturbation, stealing, adrenaline, swearing, food, the list goes on and on. Addiction is one of the greatest vices used by Satan.
     Addiction overrides the very nature of the brain. What to some may seem unnecessary, foolish, undesirable, even revolting or wrong can become to an addict the very air they breathe. Now that may be a little extreme, but to a degree, it is true. Our brain has natural signals it sends out to the body to keep us alive. The brain lets us know when we need food. The brain alerts us if we need more fluids. The brain controls our survival instincts, and this is what addictions hack. To an addict, porn can become just as important as food. Drugs can be at the same level of necessity as water. Any addiction can override the brains normal functions and send one into a seemingly endless cycle of indulging in the addictive behavior, which, to the now changed brain, seems necessary for survival and well being.
     I have had my fair share of addictions in my life. Porn, masturbation, self-hatred, etc. For so long I felt that my addictions were part of who I was, part of normal life even, and yet still I kept them secret and hidden because of the guilt and shame I felt. At some point in my life, I began hating my addictions. I knew what I was doing was wrong, I wanted to stop, but it seemed no matter what I did I just couldn't stop.
     Over and over I'd stay clean for a while, relying solely on will-power, but over and over I'd fall and relapse. I got so angry with myself each time. Things weren't improving, regardless of how much I wanted to stop indulging. I didn't understand, isn't a desire to stop enough? Is there really any hope for me? Why can't I just stop?
     I didn't even understand at the time that I was an addict. Sure, I had been to counseling, and had learned to refer to my indulgences as an addiction, but I did not understand what addiction was or what it was doing to me. I didn't even consider myself a true addict, and I believed that when I grew up it would stop. Oh, when I get married it'll stop. When I have friends it will stop. I just did not understand.
     It wasn't until I was sent to inpatient treatment, and hit rock-bottom, that my heart was softened, I was humbled, and I was willing to turn to God for help. All my life I believed that I had to do everything thing on my own. I was quite independent and did not in any way want to rely on anyone else to help me. I've since realized that I could not overcome my addictions on my own. I needed to rely on God.
     One thing I've learned in my life that has helped me so much is that no matter what your struggle is, you are not the only one. Even if you cannot find someone in your life who knows what you are going through, God and Christ know. They know all of us perfectly, no matter what we deal with, be it an addiction, physical ailment, sickness, death, whatever it may be.
     I have to credit my recovery and ability to now be triumphing over my addictions to the 12-step program, my family and friends who have loved and supported me, my ward family, and most especially my Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ, and everyone on the other side who has been there to hold me and guide me when I felt lost and alone.
     If you struggle with addiction, or really any negative or destructive behavior, I would encourage you to turn to God, your bishop, supportive family and friends, and any others you feel may help you. I would really recommend becoming familiar with the 12 steps, because they have helped me so much in my life and in recovery, and I've seen them change and save lives.
     May we all continually strive to be better through the power of God and the atoning sacrifice of our Savior. Know I love you all, and there will always be a way to overcome any trial(s) in your life. May we turn to God and learn to love as He does.
     You can access and read the LDS 12-step Addiction Recovery Guide by visiting this website: http://addictionrecovery.lds.org/addiction-recovery-program-guide?lang=eng
    

My Story

Read or Watch

Interview Highlights:

 

Full Interview:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uqQwbCTX9ss

Finding the Light in the Dark

My name is Mitchell Clark. I was born in December of 1994. My entire life I’ve lived in West Jordan, Utah with my mother and father, and my 2 sisters, one older and one younger. I currently work at The Soap Factory in Provo and am attending BYU-Idaho online.  I was basically born and raised a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and I was baptized and confirmed at 8 years old.

I always seemed to know I was different, even as early as six years of age, and it was often manifested in the way I acted and the way people treated me. For the most part, however, I had a good childhood. I loved animals, enjoyed nature, playing outdoors, and loved to spend time with friends.

The Beginning 

When I was about six, I became friends with a boy my same age who lived in my neighborhood. He and I became very close, we were best friends. Our relationship was positive, fun, and fulfilling, in fact, neither of us ever thought we’d stop being friends. It was when we got a little older, about seven or so that our relationship began to change. Sexual exploration found its way into our friendship, and after that we started to grow apart. Things finally reached a boiling point when we were about nine, we got into fights more and more frequently, finally ending in our last fight effectively ending our friendship, and not long afterwards, he moved away and I’ve never seen him since.

By this time I had started elementary school and had found a new best friend, but I hadn’t gotten over the loss of my other friendship. My new friend and I had a much more positive relationship. We never really fought, we got along well, and we both enjoyed spending time together. As time went by, however, he too moved away, and our friendship eventually died out due to distance. 

Changes

After the fight and consequential ending of my first friendship and the dying out of my second, I moved on to find another friend. She and I became much closer than my previous friendships. After the loss of my friendships, and the overall painful experience I had in the first, I began to distance myself from boys. I didn’t socialize with the boys in my grade, if anything I tried my best to avoid them. My new best friend was who I strove to be with, and who essentially I tried to act like. Both she and I started to reach out and make new friends during Elementary School to add to our “group”, all of which were girls, with the exception of one boy who I never grew close to anyway. I tried my best to be like my friends, to be “better” than other boys. My new actions earned me the name “Michelle” which I carried, sometimes proudly, throughout nearly my entire elementary school to high school experience. 

I experienced some abuse as a child from authoritative figures in my life. While originally I thought nothing of it, it led to me taking my avoidance of boys my age to another level,  and essentially believing that all males would hurt me, and that it was best to just avoid them. I became even more fastidious with those I let in to my life and those I socialized with, and having any boys as friends

Essentially I got to the point where I feared males enough and had enough unhealed wounds that it soon turned to hate and resentment. I pushed males out of my life because of the pain and fear I had experienced. This led me to be isolated and void of any healthy friendships, or even relationships with members of the same-gender.  

             When I was about ten I ran into pornography. At first I didn’t really know what it was. I had heard of it, and knew from what I had been told that I should avoid it, but curiosity took hold. What started as an accidental encounter turned into a war of addiction to pornography as well as masturbation. 

            Addiction and Depression

                My addictions have been a problem for me ever since they started, and yet at the time I was still unaware of the consequences and severity of what I had gotten myself into. It wasn’t until about age 14 when I really began to realize what was going on. I didn’t consider myself an addict, by any means, but I knew logically that what I was doing was wrong, and I was being affected.

            I started feeling a lot of guilt and shame for what was going on. I hid my addictions, my “secret life”, as best I could from everyone for fear of being caught. I decided one day that I wanted to do what I felt God and my family wanted me to do, even what I wanted me to do, and that was stop my addictions. It seemed, however, that no matter what I tried I couldn’t stop. No matter how hard I focused, or how hard I tried, even pleading to God to help me, to just take it away and make it like it had never happened, it would flare up again and I’d slip back into the addictive cycle.

            The guilt, shame, and destructive nature of addiction really started to affect me when I was fifteen. I slipped into a habit of isolation, staying away from social situations as often as circumstances would permit, even going out of my way to not be interrupted in my time in isolation. The nature of isolation drove me further into my addictive cycle, and brought me to start to question my worth, question my abilities, even question if God truly loved me. I had been praying for help for so long, to be “cured”, but I hadn’t seen any changes. It seemed I was continually going downhill. 

            My parents eventually found out about my addictions. My secrets had finally been revealed, and in fear I denied as best I could. I made excuses, lies, anything I could to misplace the truth of the situation. My parents got me in to see my family doctor and I told him about my pornography addiction, and disclosed some, but not all, of my emotional pains. He diagnosed me with depression and anxiety, though we didn’t talk much about the addiction, and whenever he asked me how I was doing, I’d lie and say I was fine.

            I ended up getting into therapy for my depression, anxiety, and addictions. The therapy helped to a degree, but I never felt like any of my therapists truly understood me, and in consequence I kept quiet about most things, especially same-sex attraction. Because I kept quiet the help I received was minimal. I had been going through a lot of different therapists trying to please my parents and go through the motions so that they’d believe I was ok enough to not need therapy. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to change, it was that I didn’t believe I could, I wasn’t ready yet, and I didn’t love myself. I was finally in a position to receive the help I had been praying and asking for from God for years, yet blinded by fear, I didn’t recognize it.

            Things got to the point in my life where my depression really started to hit hard. I was trying my best to go through the motions in life, but things just didn’t seem to be improving. I didn’t know what was wrong with me. Why couldn’t I change? Why did I feel like God had left my life? Why was I chosen to deal with these things? My self-worth and motivation finally plummeted enough that I began to consider suicide as a viable option. It was at this time that life began to change, yet again for me.  

            Hitting Rock Bottom

      My isolation had seemed to have reached its’ peak. I often spent the night in my room alone after school, and stay there until the next morning when it was time to go to school again. My emotions which had originally seemed only to affect me internally began presenting themselves in my external life. I started failing classes at school, my friendships were nonexistent outside of the set school environment, and I did nothing extracurricular outside of work and school. 

                Despite everything that was going on, I still somehow managed to put on a face when I was around people. I still managed to convince everyone that I was ok, and that I was happy. Internally, however, I was being destroyed, and trying to put up that front to lie to people by saying I was okay was absolutely draining and exhausting, and it became harder and harder for me to hide it. I had pushed God out of my life. I stopped praying, I stopped reading my scriptures, and as soon as my parents weren’t around, I’d leave Church.

Everything started to climax when I was sixteen. My depression had reached a peak, and things started to really spin downhill. I found out another guy in my neighborhood experienced same-sex attraction, and though I had never been close to him, we spent some time together. Things quickly escalated between us, and eventually we acted out together sexually. It was at this point, where I had pushed God from my life, and I had just committed something I felt for myself to be unforgivable in God’s eyes, that I decided to let God go entirely. 

It was at this point where I hit rock bottom. Things kept spiraling down-hill. It finally reached the point where I planned to take my life about a month before my seventeenth birthday. My father found me just before I was about to go through with my plan, and was able to calm me down enough that I was able to go home and get to bed safely. 

 The following morning my parents took me to an inpatient treatment center. The treatment was hard, emotional, slow, and at times depressing. Being in the inpatient treatment center essentially meant I was on lock-down, no contact to the outside world aside from the minimal time allotted for seeing immediate family. I was allowed to see my family once a week for 1-2 hours. Due to the shock of my new situation and separation from my addictions, I resorted to a new destructive behavior of self-harming. It never really became a full-blown addiction for me, but I'd harm myself whenever I felt stressed, overwhelmed, or hurt.

Being in treatment, I was brought to the point where I basically had to face the truth, and I had to face it head on. I couldn’t keep lying to myself, and I couldn’t hide things from those around me. I was finally broken and all the secrets, pain, shame, and lies I had were let out and exposed. I was vulnerable, but it was because of the vulnerability that I was able to begin to let things go. I was able to do something that had seemed impossible to me before, I had learned how to forgive myself and love myself. I learned that I could be honest, and that many times it helped to be open, it was like so much weight was being lifted. It was a gradual process, but one that I will be forever grateful for, and it was during this time that I began to turn to God again, not even only for help, but with thanks and gratitude. It was hard, but I started to find God in my life again, even in the small things. I started praying again, reading my scriptures, and though Church wasn’t available in treatment, I found ways to worship and grow closer to Him.

I had spent almost 230 days in treatment before being released the summer before my senior year of high school. I remember the feeling of having been clean of my addictions for some time, and I felt great. Unfortunately it wasn’t long after being released from treatment that I had a relapse on pornography and masturbation which led me to fall back into my addictive cycles. I was shocked. I thought I had been doing so well, how could this return? How could this happen again? I had just turned my life back to God, I had grown closer to Him then than I had ever at previous periods in my life. I was still learning that addiction doesn’t just disappear, it’s something that you have to work on one day at a time. I was able to pick myself up each time I fell, I was able to forgive myself when I made a mistake, and rather than focus on guilt and shame, I was able to focus on trying harder the next day. 

My addictions are still something I deal with today. They’ve never “gone away”, however through what I have learned, I’ve been able to turn to Christ for love and support, I’ve been able to tackle one day at a time, and I’ve been making great progress. That’s the beauty of life because of Christ, mistakes don’t have to hold me down.  I can learn from them, and strive to do better the next day.

Back to School

Once I was released from treatment, I was thrown back into normal life again. In the treatment center environment, we talked about anything and everything, there were no secrets.  That’s something that helped me so much, to be able to be open and honest with everything and everyone. Once I left treatment, I didn’t feel that same comfort to be open and honest about my struggles. It was hard for me not to have those people to turn to.

It was time for school to start up again, and it was my senior year in high school. I met with my school counselor to decide what classes I needed to take and what I needed to do to catch up on my failed credits. My counselor recommended that I not take seminary that year so I could catch up on credits, and I decided that I’d take seminary 2^nd semester but not 1^st. I had taken seminary 9^th-11^th grade, but decided not to take it my senior year.

During the weeks leading up to the start of the school year, I couldn’t get my mind off of my decision to not take seminary the 1^st semester. Seminary had been a huge lifeline in the past and had helped me immensely personally, emotionally, and spiritually, and here I was deciding not to take it. I kept praying, asking God for help and guidance. I desperately wanted answers as to what to do. Spirituality had become a core part of my life again, was it worth sacrificing it for a semester to get caught up educationally? I finally got the answer to my prayers thanks to the promptings of the spirit. I decided seminary needed to be a part of my schedule for the full school year.

The first day of school I met with my counselor and got seminary put back into my schedule even though she still urged me to consider leaving it out, otherwise I’d have multiple packets to do. It was an academic risk, but I trusted in the promptings of the spirit and in the Lord to help me make it.

That year, particularly the first semester of seminary, was one of the most spiritual experiences of my life. All three of my previous years in seminary I never really participated, I kept to myself and sat in the back, but I resolved that this year would be different. I was blessed that year with the most amazing teacher and class, and every single day in that class was a spiritual experience.

The first day of seminary, our teacher passed out a piece of paper to everyone and told us each to write him a letter about us; who we were personally, where we were in life, and things we had questions about. The letters weren’t anonymous, and I made the decision to tell my seminary teacher everything in that letter. I told him about my addictions, depression, my experience in treatment, and yes, even my same-sex attraction.

A few days later after my teacher had a chance to read the letters, he told me almost tearfully how proud he was of me, and that he loved me and felt I could be a real example to so many people in the class. That solidified my resolve to participate and be honest, not only in seminary, but in life to those important to me. Throughout that year in seminary, I shared about my addictions, trials, and eventually came out to my entire seminary class about my same-sex attraction while bearing my testimony about why I’ve chosen to stay in the gospel. 

The experience of coming out to my class was scary, but afterwards I felt such a weight lifted from me, I felt the spirit. I got an overall positive and loving response from the class, particularly from my friends and the teacher. I had a few classmates who seemed to ignore or avoid me and treat me differently afterwards, but no one ever made rude or degrading comments directly to me, and none of the little negative that happened was enough to dampen my spirit.

It was around this time, shortly before my eighteenth birthday, that I decided to trust in God and be more proactive in sharing my experiences as a way to help myself, but also to try to help and teach those around me.

Even after coming out to my seminary class, to my family, and to some close friends, I still felt lost and lonely in many ways. I still had so many unanswered questions and I was still unsure of where to go in life, though I had a strong conviction and testimony that urged me to stay in the gospel and stick to what I knew regardless of doubts or fears.

Decisions

The Christmas after my eighteenth birthday, my parents got me the Voice(s) of Hope book by Ty Mansfield. I loved that book, I read from it almost every day after getting it. It was such a blessing to me and answered so many questions that I had, but more importantly to me at the time, it made me realize that I wasn’t alone to a degree I hadn’t understood before. Not long after receiving that book for Christmas, I started doing research on it, and found In Quiet Desperation by Fred Matis, Marilyn Matis, and Ty Mansfield. That book was another big help for me.

I later found some blogs online that were a huge help to me, the first and probably most inspiring blog I found was (Gay) Mormon Guy by David Peterson (who is now my best friend). This was the first time I had found a blog about someone who was happy to be living the gospel while dealing with same-sex attraction. So many of the pages and blogs I had found in my previous searches for answers were about people who either left the church to pursue a gay lifestyle or had remained in the church, but were pushing for a change in the church’s beliefs and wanted the church to recognize and allow gay marriage. Finding David’s blog, and many others after that really inspired me to be more open about my life, and brought me comfort and a desire to live a life following the standards of the gospel.

Life was getting better, I felt more at ease with who I was, and I had a desire to stay in the gospel and live a happy and worthy life according to Christ’s standards, yet I still had unanswered questions and desires. Even though I had found so many wonderful resources, and had some friends and family who supported me and tried to understand me as best they could, there was still part of me that desired to be understood on a different level. 

I had been making great strides in overcoming my isolation from males, and I was trying hard to make friends with different guys in my life, but I was having little success. I had distanced myself from other boys for so long that I really had no idea how to act, and I was just awkward and lost. I did, however, manage to get a few friends who I felt close to that were males. I decided to share my struggles and my same-sex attraction with one of my friends who I felt really close to. He ended up rejecting me after I told him about it, he told me that my feelings of same-sex attraction were wrong and that I needed to change them, I tried to explain to him what understanding I had gained about my feelings, but he seemed unwilling to listen to my views and eventually our friendship faded and died out.

That was hard for me, to lose the one guy I actually felt close to in such a long time. Luckily I was prepared at that time with the knowledge I had gained through my experiences to be able to handle the pain without resorting to old behaviors, though the pain and sadness were still present. I became more reserved with who I shared my orientation with for a while after that because the fear of rejection had resurfaced.

During the second semester of my senior year I was taking a journalism class. In April of 2013 our teacher told us that, as part of our class, we would be starting blogs. I was immediately sparked with excitement, I thought I finally had a chance to get my voice heard, to be a part of something I was passionate about. I was cautious at first, and my original blog Finding Your Way Through Faith was about the LDS church and things I had learned about my faith and my experiences, I was very hesitant to mention anything about my same-sex attraction, especially in a blog that my entire class and teacher would be reading. My first blog, however, was a step to success for me, it gave me knowledge of what to write, how to write, and what styles and approaches make things easier to understand and get into.

Finally, due to promptings from the spirit, and my own desire to out myself and make my voice heard, I created a page on my Finding Your Way Through Faith about same-sex attraction just 2 weeks after starting my blog. It was scary for me, I didn’t know if anyone in my class would actually click on the link to the page, and I didn’t know what the response would be from them or my teacher, but things kept quiet, and no one said anything to me. About a week after posting that page, I decided I wanted to start a new blog specifically about living a life following the standards of the gospel while dealing with SSA. I wrote a post about it on my original blog stating that I would soon be starting a new blog about it, and as terrifying as it was for me to post that, knowing that my entire class and teacher would see it, I did it anyway, and actually got a very positive and loving response.

On May 18^th 2013 I started that blog. I created Living My Faith With SSA (now renamed as Gay, Single, & Mormon) and was so excited, nervous, and hopeful. I was out to the world, and as scary as it was, I felt so free and I felt as if a weight had been lifted from me. I have been working on my blog ever since and am so thankful for the responses and love I have received, and I’m especially thankful for the healing it has brought me and the closer relationship I have with God.

I was, with the help from my parents, school counselor, and most importantly God, able to catch up on all my credits by doing packets, and I didn’t fail a single class my senior year. I graduated high school, along with the rest of my senior class, on June 4, 2013. Thanks to the promptings of the spirit early on before my senior year had even started, I graduated from seminary as well.

Answers

The summer after graduation, I didn’t have much to do, and I was mainly just working. Though I had friends, I wasn’t spending time with them. I wasn’t necessarily isolating, nor was I in a deep depression, I just seemed to be disconnected from normal life for a while. I spent most of my time at home not really doing anything productive. I still had many unanswered questions, and I was trying to figure out what to do now that I was out of high school.

About a month after graduation I came across the Voice(s) of Hope website. I was immediately intrigued and watched a couple of the videos. After watching about 2 or 3 videos, I was touched with the spirit so strong, and that same day signed myself up to be a part of the Voices of Hope project. One of the first videos I watched hit me so hard, and I felt the spirit so strong. There was an option next to the video where you could message the person in the video, and so I messaged him on Facebook. In the message, I told him how thankful I was to him for his video. I expressed how I had felt the spirit so strong while watching his video, and that he had inspired me to better myself. Little did I know that that message would change my life forever.

10 days after sending that message, he responded. After some messaging back and forth, we talked over the phone. He told me about North Star. I had heard of North Star before through therapists, but all they had ever told me was that they didn’t feel like it was a good thing for me, and I had never done any research on it to see if they were right. After talking with him on the phone though, I felt a strong desire to join North Star, and he got me added onto the Facebook North Star group. He told me he wouldn’t mind meeting me in person, and as scary as meeting new people can be for me, I excitedly agreed.

The day we met I was so nervous, I hadn’t spent time with a guy in, well, let’s just say a long time, let alone a guy who knew about my same-sex attraction. He had asked me about physical touch over the phone and had asked if it was important to me, I didn’t really know how to respond. I hadn’t really experienced loving and healthy physical touch from another guy before, and yet it was something I had craved for so long. When he opened the door though, he gave me a hug. I was surprised. None of my guy friends in the past had ever really hugged me, or when/if they did, it was a “bro hug”, short and ultimately unfulfilling. The hug I received when I first met him meant so much to me. 

That day we mainly just talked and got to know each other better. I had never been around someone like that, someone who loved me and didn’t judge me, regardless of my past or what I dealt with. When I talked about something hard, he put his arms around me. Healthy physical touch was completely new to me, and yet it felt so natural, so loving, so fulfilling. The rest of the night we watched a movie together, arms around each other, just talking and enjoying the closeness. I felt the Saviors love through his touch and through his love. I do not believe that sending him that message on Facebook, him finding the message, and us eventually meeting in person was a coincidence. I truly believe he was an answer to so many of my prayers I had said for years and years without any visible answer. God blessed me beyond what I had ever expected by sending him into my life. He is still one of my best friends to this day.

After that amazing night and after being put onto North Star my life changed quickly and dramatically. The support, love, and understanding I received from people on North Star completely blew me away. I had been coming to terms with the fact that I wasn’t alone in my struggle, that there were other people out there who were living lives following the standards of the Church while also dealing with SSA, but North Star really opened my eyes to how many people were out there who I could relate to. Not long after joining North Star, I met and made some of the best friends I’ve ever had.

New Outlook

Looking back on my life, where I was and who I was, I can honestly say that I have made so much progress, and basically completely changed from who I once was. I used to believe there was no hope for me; I questioned my belief in God and my membership in the church. I hated myself, I was so depressed and hurt. I feared others, I didn’t feel like I could trust anyone, and I pushed everyone away. I thought I was cursed, I thought my same-sex attraction was a curse, a sickness, a sin and abomination. I didn’t feel like I deserved love. I thought God was upset with me and that I had offended Him. I believed I would never be able to overcome my addictions. I thought I would never be able to change the negative aspects of myself, I felt stuck, trapped, and ultimately consumed. Now, however, I realize how wrong I was.

I’ve had people ask me why I made the decisions I made, why I decided to turn back to God, even why I decided to follow the standards put in place by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints through Christ regarding same-sex relationships and marriage. My answer has been that I know that God loves me. I know that He loves me, I know that He loves everyone. I have faith and a testimony that He exists, that He created all things, and that through Him, all things are possible. I know that a same-sex romantic relationship could never bring me true happiness. Could it bring me happiness? Sure. But real, eternal, lasting happiness? No. I love my Heavenly Father, and I want to live with Him again someday, and all the people I love. And I know that to do that, I need to love Him enough to turn my will and my life over to Him.

There is hope, love, and support for everyone, no one is truly alone in this life. That’s something that has been proven to me time and time again. I realize now more than ever that I am worthy of love, I am worthy of acceptance and friendship, and so is everyone else on this earth. I’ve been monumentally blessed in my life, especially recently with all the friends I’ve made, all the answers to my prayers, and all the progress I’ve made. Life may not be perfect, and I’m definitely not perfect, but I love life now, I love existing, I love God.

For quite some time I struggled with remaining in the Church, I wasn’t sure if living a faithful life following the standards put in place by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints was what would bring me happiness and fulfillment in this life or the next life. I wasn’t even sure if I believed in God. I didn’t know if I had a testimony of the gospel or the Church. Now, however, I’ve found more happiness living by the standards of the Church, turning to God in prayer and scripture study, growing my testimony and sharing my faith with others than I ever did by questioning or living by what my carnal body and mind wanted. I’ve come to truly love the gospel, I love living by gospel standards, and I have a testimony I cannot deny. 

Is life still hard sometimes? Sure! Of course it is. Trials, struggles, and questions arise, life gets rough, sometimes I fall and make bad decisions, but the important thing is what I decide to do afterwards. I’ve realized that happiness and hope are feelings I give myself and let myself experience. I choose what I do and feel in this life, even though there may be outside factors that affect me, I choose how I deal with it. I’ve decided to take a positive outlook on life, I’ve decided to be happy and have hope for the future. I’ve decided to turn to God, to have a relationship with Heavenly Father and Christ. I’ve decided to live according to the standards of the Church because that’s what brings me happiness and because that’s what I know to be true and right.

            Do I still have feelings of same-sex attraction? Yes. How do I feel about it? I’ve come to realize that my feelings or attractions in and of themselves are not bad, having them does not make me a sinner and does not make me worth any less than others. My attractions are just that, attractions. I can choose to let them define me, I can choose to act out on an urge every time one comes my way, or I can choose to let it just be a small sliver of who I really am, and that’s what I have decided. I have not experienced a lessening in my attractions, nor have they gone away, but, with the Savior’s love and guidance and all the resources and friends I have, I am able to better cope with temptations when they arise. I’m able to look at my life with a different pair of eyes and see what it is that I truly want for myself. While my attractions have not lessened, my ability to deal with them has been strengthened.

If there is anything I wish I could tell my past self, anything I wish I could tell others in a situation similar to mine, it would be that there is always hope. No one is ever truly alone in this life, even if there is no one physically there, even if you feel you have no friends or no one to turn to, God will always be there for you, through the hard times and good times. God wants to be part of everyone’s life, God wants to bless all His children, we just have to be willing to surrender and turn to him. No one is ever beyond love. Everyone deserves to love and be loved regardless of situations, circumstances, or trials, past, present or in the future. Christ’s Atonement is real, and so very amazing and powerful. Christ suffered for every single one of us, he thought of every one of us personally and was willing to suffer for each of us so we could have the opportunity to change and repent and eventually return to live with Him.

My trials have made me who I am. The things I’ve gone through and experienced were what brought me close to God. It was those hardships that urged me to grow, that prompted me to find and keep God in my life, and that ultimately brought me to become a better person, and refine me in every single way into who I am today. I still have progress to make, my time here isn’t done, but I know that so long as God is by my side, that all things are possible, and that so long as I follow Him, someday I will have the opportunity to love with Him again.

Trials will arise, things will become hard, that’s just the nature of this life, but we all have the ability to choose what to do with what’s given to us. Life will continue to throw us curve-balls, Satan will continue to try to break us and destroy us until the day we die, but we can choose to turn to God, to do our best, and to stand up and fight every time we fall. We are all children of a very loving Heavenly Father. We all have infinite potential, and we are all worthy of love, understanding, acceptance, and forgiveness, and through the Atonement of Christ, we can receive all the blessings our Father in Heaven has to offer us.

There is always hope and love in the arms of our Savior, Jesus Christ.

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