Throughout all the highs and lows, stress, and challenges this week, I've also been able to learn a lot, and grow closer to God. One thing I realized this week was that there are multiple pieces to "me". One negative belief I've had about myself for some time is that I am malicious and cruel, and there is a part of me who fits that role. That part of me represents the young me who put up walls, and sought to hurt people before they could hurt me. He is like a defense mechanism who has existed in my subconscious for years, often unseen. He carries all the hurt, pain, lies, and betrayal I've felt and experienced throughout my life, and he has been the one who lashes out at others because he's scared to be hurt anymore.
It's like I'm just a big puzzle, and if anyone asked me who Mitchell Clark really is, I don't think I could answer them, because honestly he is so jumbled and broken, that I don't know who he is anymore. Is he a kind person, a loving person, a hateful person, malicious, cruel, caring? I don't know... to me, he is all of those, yet none of them at the same time. I am lost from myself, and I'm still trying to put the pieces back together to figure out who he is, who I am.
I was able to see this part of myself yesterday while I was spending time with my best friend. I remember telling him exactly how I felt, exactly who Mitchell is, and what he does, that he lashes out and stores every negative thing anyone has ever done to me or around me. I looked him in the eyes and said "Do you love him, do you love the real me? Does God love him too?" and with tears in his eyes my friend told me yes, and embraced me, and I started sobbing. Never had anyone told me they loved that part of me, and I didn't understand how anyone could. I have never liked that side of me, I've never understood him. How on earth could anyone ever love him? But there was no lie in the 'yes' my friend told me, and I had never felt my walls crumble like they did in that moment. All the masks, walls, facades, they all crumbled in that moment, and disappeared for a time, and that young, scared, hurt part of me was embraced and told he was loved, and all I could do was cry.
It got me thinking of what it means to truly be loved, to be loved for every single part of me. Even the broken, lost parts. And that God loves me for ever single part of me that has ever existed, and that prior to that moment, I had been blind to that.
On my way home I listened to a song I had downloaded on my phone a while ago, but had never really listened to. It was "Praise You In This Storm" by Casting Crowns, and the entire drive home from my friends house that night, I listened to the song on replay, singing a long, and crying the entire time, looking to Heaven, and wondering how God loves me like He does. I praised God that entire 40 minutes home, sobbing as I thought of what He had given me, sobbing as a little lost part of me started to come to the surface, and begin to be free. Throughout all the fear, pain, highs and lows, and craziness of life, particularly the past 2 weeks, God has still heard my voice, and still been watching out for me, always trying to tell me "Mitchell, I love you, all of you." And I can only hope in time, I will be able to hear His voice more clearly and regularly.
I love my God, I love the people He has put in my life, and I love all the blessings He has given me. Life will continue to be hard and trying, finding all the pieces of me that have been scattered and lost for years will be time-consuming, and hard, but I am willing to try, and I know I have people in my life who are willing to help me and love me very step of the way, and I am so thankful God gave me them, and gave me the chance to know of His love and gospel. Despite hardship, trials, lows, and pain, life is so amazing, and I can't wait until the day when I hear God's voice again more regularly and clearly.
Praise You In This Storm
Casting
Crowns
(P.S. I watched this video, and not all of the lyrics are correct, but I wrote out the lyrics with what they should say underneath this video, so please refer to that for correct lyrics.)
(P.S. I watched this video, and not all of the lyrics are correct, but I wrote out the lyrics with what they should say underneath this video, so please refer to that for correct lyrics.)
I
was sure by now, God you would have reached down
And
wiped our tears away, Stepped in and saved the day.
But
once again, I say amen And it's still raining
As
the thunder rolls I barely hear your whisper through the rain
I'm
with you And as your mercy falls
I
raise my hands and praise The God who gives and takes away
And
I'll praise you in this storm And I will lift my hands
That
you are who you are No matter where I am
And
every tear I've cried You hold in your hand
You
never left my side And though my heart is torn
I
will praise you in this storm
I
remember when I stumbled in the wind
You
heard my cry you raised me up again
My
strength is almost gone how can I carry on
If
I can't find you
As
the thunder rolls
I
barely hear you whisper through the rain
I'm
with you
And
as your mercy falls
I
raise my hands and praise
The
God who gives and takes away
And
I'll praise you in this storm
And
I will lift my hands
That
you are who you are
No
matter where I am
And
every tear I've cried
You
hold in your hand
You
never left my side
And
though my heart is torn
I
will praise you in this storm
I
lift my eyes unto the hills
Where
does my help come from?
My
help comes from the Lord
The
maker of heaven and earth
I
lift my eyes unto the hills
Where
does my help come from?
My
help comes from the Lord
The
maker of heaven and earth
And
I'll praise you in this storm
And
I will lift my hands
That
you are who you are
No
matter where I am
And
every tear I've cried
You
hold in your hand
You
never left my side
And
though my heart is torn
I
will praise you in this storm
And
though my heart is torn
I
will praise you in this storm
