Falling In Love

     I was asked this week to give a talk in church about having Christ as a constant companion, and throughout the week I brainstormed ideas and wrote my talk. What I actually said and what I wrote differed a little, but I figured I'd post the written version of my talk here on my blog:

For me, falling in love, not just love for a family member or a friend, but really falling in love with someone is one of the most powerful, overwhelming, and intoxicating feelings I’ve ever experienced. Falling in love has been so joyous and yet so painful, so safe and yet so dangerous.

I’ve only really fallen in love with 6 individuals throughout my life thus far. I’ve had many crushes on guys, and rarely girls, where I think wow, he’s really cute, or really nice, or really spiritual. But I’ve only really fallen in love 6 times, to different degrees.

Of the 6 people I’ve fallen for, 2 of them ever fell for me, too. And both of those relationships ended because eventually lines were crossed and mistakes were made. The relationships ended because it wasn’t a safe environment for me or them, and it wasn’t bringing us closer to God.

Of the remaining 4 relationships, those being the ones that didn’t fall in love in return, 1 died out simply because of distance. He moved away, and we didn’t really have a means of contact, so the relationship ended quite suddenly, and falling out of love with him followed soon after.

1 of the more painful endings for me was a friend I fell for before I really even knew I was gay, and definitely before I knew that what I was feeling was being in love with him. He was straight, and I had put a lot of work into building our friendship. But I guess I came on too strong, and even though I didn’t even know at the time that what I was feeling was love, I made him uncomfortable, and eventually he cut contact with me for that.

The last 2 relationships are ones I still have today. 1 of them, and actually the only 1 on this list that’s a girl, was someone I fell in love with over time. We were friends and eventually best friends throughout our childhood. And somewhere along the way, as I got older, I fell for her. But for reasons that I’m not even aware of, the being “in love” just very slowly died out. Despite that, her and I are still in contact, and I still consider her one of my best friends.

The final relationship I have to talk about was someone that I fell intensely for. Out of all of the relationships, this was the strongest for me. So strong in fact that I put him on a pedestal, and created this false belief in my infatuation that he was a perfect being. I was so entranced that I made him into something that he wasn’t. And it wasn’t fair to me or him.  After years of believing he was perfect, reality finally hit me. I realized that I had fallen for him so deeply that he had essentially become my deity. I turned to him when I had gospel questions, and not God. I talked to him far more than I talked to God. That’s not to say that he was a bad influence on me, because he wasn’t and hasn’t been. He has actually been a great influence who honestly has saved my testimony and even life on multiple occasions. But the bad influence for me was my own choice to leave God behind in favor of someone who, while an honestly fantastic human being and fantastic friend, isn’t and can’t be perfect as a mortal. I’ve just now been coming to the realization the past couple weeks that if I want our friendship to continue and be healthy and beneficial for the both of us, I need to find ways to put God first.

There are a few reasons why I bring these situations up. One of them is that I feel that some of those can be related to my relationship with God. Like the first 2 relationships, when I have committed sin, I have pushed myself away from God and lost some of the deeper contact I had before the mistake. Like the relationship that died out simply because of distance, there have been multiple times where my relationship with God suffered simply because I didn’t put myself in situations where I was close to him. Like the relationship that I slowly fell in love with, and slowly out of love with, my relationship with God has gone up and down. Sometimes God has seemed like just an acquaintance, other times a friend, and other times a best friend. And there have been a few times in my life where I had put God at the forefront of my time and attention like the last relationship I mentioned. Where I treated Him like the perfect being that He is. And treated him like my God.

The other, is that I’ve realized that when I fall for someone, they often become the most important person to me, and get first priority in many ways. If I want to text someone, I’ll text them first. If I want to call someone, I call them first. If I want to spend time with someone, I spend time with them first, etc. I often also try to be like them, or at least try to like the things that they like. For example, I used to say my favorite animal was horses simply because I knew that my best friend who I was in love with said horses were her favorite animal.

But really the reason I bring this up is that I’m starting to realize how great it would be if I could fall in love with God. Because if I could fall in love with God, He could be the first one I text. He could be the first one I call. He could be the first one I spend time with. And He could be the first one I follow. If God loves people, then I can try to as well. If God’s favorite animal is a giraffe, I can try to make that my favorite animal, too. That’s not to say that I want to lose my uniqueness, nor do I think that’s what God wants me to do. But I want to find a way to fall in love with God, to honestly and deeply fall in love with God, so that I can follow Him more deeply and with more conviction and with more surety.

God is perfect. Unlike some of the other relationships that ended in painful ways, God would not cut off the relationship with me. Only I can do that. Unlike the relationships where I put my trust in someone who may honestly be a fantastic person who can help me immensely, but is ultimately mortal and imperfect, God is not. God is immortal and perfect. If I can truly fall in love with God, maybe I won’t need to worry about pleasing others or trying to be in love.

But how can I fall in love with God? Honestly, I don’t completely know. It seems difficult for me because my two main love languages are physical touch and quality time. And I don’t think it’s possible for God to physically touch me, at least in the way I comprehend physical touch, while I’m a mortal. And I’m not sure how quality time works since I can't really hand God a controller and have Him play Super Smash Bros. or Mario Kart with me. But some of the ideas that I have had are that I can talk with Him. Like I call my best friend at least once a day, I can learn to talk to God at least once a day. Like I mimicked my friends favorite animal, perhaps I can learn to implement God’s favorite things and things that God loves into my life. I can spend time to get to know God. After-all I’ve never fallen for someone I didn’t know. And God has scriptures, conference talks, and prayer available to get to know Him. I can come to church to learn of Him, and to share of what I have learned. There are many good things that I can do to get to know God. I just need to do them.

In reality, I don’t know how or when I will fall in love with God. It could be a month, a year, or maybe a lifetime. But I really feel that if I want to live a life with Christ as my constant companion, I need to have Him be my number one. And I need to trust and know that He loves me no matter what, and that He is perfect, and would not hurt me or lead me astray. I can't fully control who I fall in love with, but if God really is perfect, what isn't there to fall for?

Grateful for the Gospel

     I just had a thought come to mind. Something that's constantly part of my life, but something I so often forget, gloss over, and take for granted. I am honestly so thankful to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and so thankful for the direction that membership, and the belief in God and Christ gives my life.

     I've felt like my testimony has been a bit rocky recently. I don't know exactly how to explain it because it hasn't really been issue with doctrine, and it hasn't necessarily been my own level of belief. It seems like it's just been struggling to have motivation to go to church each Sunday, to go to ward council and fulfill the responsibilities that come with my callings, or even to do my home teaching. I've also been feeling distant from God. I know He is there, I know He is real, I know I've felt close to Him in the past. Things just feel distant now... And I'm struggling to find the motivation to do the little things like pray or read my scriptures. But that's not really the point of this post...

     See, despite all of that... Despite my perceived distance from God, despite my lack of motivation to attend church or pray, I realized how thankful I am for the path that God offers me. I'm thankful for the guidance the gospel gives me. The way it teaches me to live my life.

     I feel that for me, I look to causes and things I feel strongly about to give me direction in my life, and there are so many things I could dedicate my life to. Some could be good, some not so good. I could become engrossed in politics, and live my life based on the views of a political party. I could become obsessed with a celebrity, and try to copy their actions and live their life. I could become a slave to drugs, and live my life around finding the next high. I could dedicate myself to serving others and donating time and money to charities. I could dedicate my life to building the church and the kingdom of God, or I could choose to spend my time and energy seeking to destroy it and the faith of others.

     For me, I've lived through a variety of directions in my life. When I was very young, my life was dedicated to anything to do with animals and bugs, and having fun. For a time when I was in inpatient treatment, I dedicated my time and energy to getting out by almost any means necessary. At the time I started my blog and volunteered to do a Voice(s) of Hope video, I was dedicated to proving that I was in control of my choices, and wanted to help others to know that they weren't alone and that there was hope.

     More recently in my life, I've noticed that I'm lacking some of the truly powerful motivators I seemed to have in the past. Right now I don't feel passionate about school. I don't feel like I know the answer to the question of what I want to be when I "grow up". I don't have some grand vision of where I want to go spiritually, or what next step is best for me in my relationship with God. I'm struggling with being social. I don't have much motivation to speak with people. I've been incredibly shy most of my life, but for a while when I was really close to God, I was outgoing, and life seemed so much brighter... I want to feel that way again.

     But I want to express gratitude for the gospel. I may be lacking deep motivation in many things, I may be struggling to go to church or fulfill my callings, I may be struggling to reach out and be friendly, yet the gospel still gives me guidance. I feel like my life has meaning and purpose even though I feel lost right now. I know that God is there and is aware of me. I know that no matter what happens in my life, or in the lives of those around me, I will get to see them again in the next life. I want to be better, because I know what it's like to be better. The greatest and happiest times in my life weren't necessarily when everything was going right, but when I was truly trying to be better. The best times of my life were when I had deep convictions for things that really mattered. The most positively motivated points in my life were when I was close to God.

     Sometimes it's painful for me to be LDS. I'd love to have a guy that I could marry and share everything with. And yet, the happiest I've felt wasn't when I had a guy I was in love with who loved me back, which did bring some happiness, but it was when I was dedicated to God and willing to reach out and help others find God, too.

     I want to follow the gospel because of what it gives me. It's not about what it takes away. I need direction in life, and God gives me direction and motivation to better myself, to love others, and to make the world around me a better place. I don't want to destroy the world, or destroy others or their ideas, I want to find the motivation to build the kingdom of God, to touch the lives of those around me, and to be the son of God I was meant to be. I want to find who I truly am, who I'm meant to be. I want to give him a big hug, and tell him that I'm sorry for losing my way, but that I want to do better. So I want to say thank you to my friends and family who support me and push me to be better, to the church, to God, to Christ and His gospel and for the guidance they give me. I don't currently know the way to go with my life, but maybe I can start by saying thank you for what I have been given already, holding to the past and what I've learned and know, and then looking to the future and for a way to reconnect with God.
    

Pre-Op: Nuss Procedure, Pectus Excavatum

     Tonight will be my last night sleeping with my heart and lungs compressed by my own rib cage. Tonight is the last night I'll sleep with my pectus excavatum. Tonight is the last night I have before I'm strapped into the wild-ride that is 'change'.
     I'd say the majority of people in my life don't know that I have a pectus excavatum. It's not something you can tell just by looking at a fully-clothed person. And if you've never seen me shirtless, and I haven't told you that I have it, there's really almost no way of knowing. But my pectus and I go way back. All the way back, actually.
     For those of you who don't know what a pectus excavatum is, it's a congenital deformity (congenital meaning you're born with it) which results in some of your ribs and your sternum forming incorrectly and caving-in giving it a sunken, crater-ish-like (totally a word) appearance.

Here's a good diagram of it:

 
Luckily mine is not that severe.


Here's some images of my chest I took tonight. It's hard to really get the depth from a picture, but at least it's something.

     For much of my life, my doctors, my parents, and I thought it was for the most part cosmetic. There wasn't significant evidence to show that it affected me beyond that. I definitely didn't want surgery just to "look better", so we never went through with anything. It wasn't until this past year when my best friend expressed concern when I was struggling to breathe and getting really sick and dizzy when I went to the gym with him that he urged me to get it checked, and so I did.

     I found a doctor who specialized in dealing with chest issues (known as a cardiothoracic surgeon), and set up appointments with him. He scheduled different tests for me, and the tests confirmed that my pectus has been causing me a lot of physical limitations. They ordered an MRI and CT-scan of my chest, and I asked the doctor to print me out one of the images. While it's not the best image, here's what I got:

The white bone on the bottom is one of the vertebrae in my spine, and the top bone that is indented downward is my sternum. The grayish lump in the middle is my heart, and the black areas inside my chest are my lungs. Basically, my heart in pinched between my sternum and my spine, so any time I work out, my heart can't beat hard enough or fast enough to provide adequate blood flow and oxygen levels, hence why I get so lightheaded and dizzy so quickly when working out.

     Now the surgery I'm getting is known as the Nuss procedure. It involves inserting metal bars through the ribs, under the sternum, and out the ribs on the other side. The bars are bowed, and go in with the edges protruding out of the chest. Once in, the surgeon forcibly flips the bars. The bars hook onto the rib to hold them in place, and once they are flipped, they push the sternum into place. The bars are left in for at least 2 years in order to fully reshape the chest cavity. After the two years have passed, the bars are then removed and the bones in almost every case retain their new shape. In some cases, only one bar is necessary. For me, I'm old enough and my pectus excavatum is deep enough that I will be getting two bars.

     I'm honestly terrified. Not really for the surgery, but for the recovery. I've heard recovery is a very painful experience.  I will likely be in the hospital after surgery for 3-5 days, and then I was recommended to take off work for about 4 weeks. As someone who will freely admit that I have a low pain tolerance, I'm definitely nervous. Right now, I'm just trying to tune out my anxiety, and just accept that it's out of my control. Will the surgery likely be worth it? Yeah. Will I likely look back and be so happy I did it once the misery of recovery is over? Yeah. But right now, I'm just so nervous...

     Beyond just the pain, it in a way feels like I'll be losing a part of who I am... For me, I usually like things that make others unique. I find them intriguing and fun to learn about. I enjoy the things that make me unique, and my pectus is one of those things. But it will soon be gone... And I've only been able to use it as an excuse to get out of heavy work for the past year... Truly unfortunate that it must be corrected so soon so I can no longer play the "I'm limited, I can't help with (insert project/activity name here)." card after surgery and recovery.

     I got a really good blessing from the missionaries this week, though, and I'll get one from my dad before the surgery as well. I've already heard from a lot of people who have said they will be praying for me, and are thinking of me. I've been told my name has been placed on the list in the temple prayer roll. I'm feeling really blessed and loved at the moment. I'm just hoping God can pick up the rest because there's no way I can handle the stress and misery of this by myself. I'll get on and write a Post-Op once I'm feeling a bit better.

"Pride" Month

     So, this post is going to have a lot of opinions in it. Ready? Let's go.

     Facebook has taught me something recently that I didn't know about before. I guess June is "pride" month. Since when was that the case? And who decided to make it so? It's beyond me, and I really don't care to look it up.

     One of the first questions that came to mind when I read this is "why on earth is a whole month dedicated to pride?". Because, let's be honest here. My strong feelings of dislike for the entire idea of a pride month aside, how many months are there in a year? Oh, well there's 12. Okay. So every year contains 12 months. Gotcha. Well, whoever decided to make June pride month (and what gives them the right to do so anyway?) dedicated 1/12 or 8.3% of the entire year to celebrating "pride". And as far as I know, it's every year.

     I want to talk to whoever decided to make June "pride" month, because if we're dedicating months now, I want a Latter-day Saint month, a month for being Caucasian, Asian, Hispanic, etc. (since they already have a month dedicated to being African American), a month dedicated to unicorns, a month dedicated to electricity, a month dedicated to lazy people, etc. Oh wait, but wouldn't we run out of months to dedicate? My thoughts exactly... And why choose "pride" above the other alternatives? What if it makes me feel "oppressed" and "discriminated against" for the US to not have a month dedicated to being a faithful member of the LDS Church while dealing with a variety of challenges? Oh wait... probably because I'm not your desired minority. Catering to my needs doesn't help you get elected or retain power, and doesn't make you seem politically correct. Gotcha. Some minorities are more important than others. I'll keep that in mind.

    My random soap box aside, I have some honest concerns and opinions relating to some of the things I have seen on Facebook and elsewhere regarding this "Pride" month. I'm a member of some groups on Facebook of people who reside somewhere on the spectrum of being LDS and same-sex attracted simultaneously. And in most cases, these people are trying to remain faithful. Some of the posts I've seen from these people recently have touched upon "pride" month, and they've talked about their feelings, plans, confusions, and questions relating to it. One common thing I've seen in these posts is a split conscience on whether or not to participate in "pride" month, and whether or not to celebrate. And it hasn't even just been those who are same-sex attracted posting this stuff. People through my normal Facebook feed, who are heterosexual and overall faithful Church members have expressed questions and split consciences.

     Maybe I'm just insensitive, but I really don't get where the confusion or split feelings come in. In my mind, it's either do or don't. I've been called an extremist before, but to me, if you're a believing member of the Church, there should be no question of whether or not you'll participate in "pride" month. In my mind, the answer should be a resounding "no". Why should you? What good would that bring? If I saw someone at a gay pride parade or event who wasn't protesting, my instant thought would be that they support gay marriage. Maybe that makes me judgmental, but lets be honest here. You'd have to be a pretty fantastical person to honestly be able to say that wouldn't be your reaction to any number of situations. What I'm trying to say is, if you don't support gay marriage, or at the very least don't believe it's what will bring you closer to God, why would you go to a gay pride parade or event?

     I've just honestly been perplexed by the whole thing... Yes, everyone is different, and my brain works differently than everyone else, and it's a good thing that there's diversity. But it still perplexes me that people think they need to celebrate pride month in some way even if they oppose gay marriage, or at least strive to live the teachings of God.

     Is it just insecurity? Are people so afraid of being seen as mean, hateful, hypocritical, bigots, out-of-touch, old, immature, etc. that they are willing to bend over backwards to appear politically and culturally correct? And if insecurity is present, what's allowing it to be there in the first place?

     One thing that's been a pretty consistent theme in the posts I've seen is the fear that by not supporting/celebrating pride month, you're making the LDS Church seem unloving, or you are not personally being as loving as Christ. There are sides to this argument I understand and agree with, and sides I don't. I get the walking on egg shells that often happens when you try to balance and talk about Christ-like love. But here's my two-cents on the whole thing. The LDS Church has some work to do culturally (not doctrinally) on learning to love and accept everyone. There have been times where I have not felt accepted in my congregation, and I'm someone who does my best to follow church doctrine. I get that the church has work to do to become more loving and understanding. But I'll tell you right now, I do not think the answer is to wear rainbow pins to church, march in pride parades, hold hands with a member of the same-sex, not out of love/friendship, but to prove a point at church, etc. In fact, if you want to make me really feel uncomfortable and unwelcome around you, wear a pride pin to church.

     See, my big issue with wanting to prove your point while at church is that in the gospel, we believe and preach that we are all equal to God. Yes, some people need special attention and comfort at certain times, but wearing a pride pin is essentially isolating the majority in favor of the minority (a minority that is generally not very fond of the church), and is not consistent with the belief that we are all equal before God.

     And you know what else? Celebrating pride month, if you're a faithful member, is essentially discounting my pains, my sacrifices, my contributions, my struggles, etc. that come from being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints who is same-sex attracted, yet actually decides to remain faithful. Because what you're communicating to me is that my hard work, my sweat and tears, isn't even noteworthy. Because it's more important to cater to and support people who have turned their back on the church. My life is not easy. I know that the lives of others who have made the same choice to remain faithful as I have do not have a cake-walk through life. We need your support too. And unlike many on the other side of the fence, we're trying, wanting, and sometimes actively advocating for the same beliefs that you hold dear. Recognize my contributions. Fight for me, and people like me. We need your support.

     I feel like this post is long.

     Honestly, I think it's fantastic that members of the church are trying to find ways to reach out and be more loving. But I don't think the approach of those I've seen on Facebook is the way to go... You don't need to jump off the cliff to help someone who has fallen. People within the LGBT community need to be loved and treated with respect, whether they're LDS or not. Don't misunderstand. But I think culturally the church first needs to focus on members who are trying to remain faithful, but may be struggling. Instead of using your limited personal understanding of same-sex attraction (assuming you're heterosexual), why not ask someone who's faithful to the church that's also same-sex attracted what it's like to be them? Ask them what you can do to help lighten their burdens. Ask them how you can be a friend, and how you can serve them. Look up conference talks that talk about the subject. Pray, ponder, read scriptures and ask God for answers to your questions about how best to help. Perhaps in doing so, we can better learn to truly love those outside of our faith, and learn how to share the gospel with them in a loving and appropriate way. Let's get to that point, and move onward from there.

     I know that God loves all of His children. I have a testimony of the church and of Christ's restored gospel. I have a testimony of the priesthood. I have a testimony of the power that comes from loving and serving others. I have a testimony that the doctrines of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints are true, and even thought I'm imperfect and struggle and sin, I know that following God's commandments to the best of my ability will bring me the greatest happiness.

    

The Broken Wire

     This April, I had a lot going on...

     Early in the month I found out that I have borderline personality disorder. This came as somewhat of a shock, honestly. I mean in reality, when I first found out, I didn't even know what borderline was. I've struggled emotionally, socially, and mentally in certain ways most of my life, but I've only ever been officially diagnosed with depression and anxiety, and so all of the other issues I had I just assumed were a result of me being a "bad" person. Finding out I have borderline was a mixed bag of emotions...

      It was great to finally have answers. I could finally pinpoint behavioral and emotional issues and where they come from, and I could even make sense of issues in my past. I have answers now that I never had before. But on the same coin, I now have lots of new questions... Where do I go now? Now that I know the source, what can I do to fix it, to cope, or at least regulate my borderline episodes?

     Needless to say, this discovery of borderline has been a big source of stress...

     About a week after finding out that I have borderline, through talking to my friends and family about things I thought were just normal, I was recommended to go to a cardiologist. See, I was born with a pectus excavatum which is a condition where the ribs and sternum sink in, making a crater-like dent in the middle of the chest. Since I've only ever lived in my body, I thought it was totally normal to occasionally get piercing chest pains, shortness of breath, dizziness, and vomiting while working out or even in other less intense situations. I thought that at least it was because I wasn't in the best of shape (and that may be part of it). But I found out more recently that maybe that's not so normal... at least, not for other people. So, with concern from family and friends, and doing my own research, I decided it best to meet with a cardiologist.

     Upon going in, the cardiologist (well technically he's a cardiothoracic surgeon) said my pectus definitely looked deep enough to cause functional limitations, and ordered some tests to be done to measure how much of an effect it is having to confirm whether or not I should get/need to get surgery. The first test was an EKG, and the results of said test were that I have a "normal irregular" heartbeat (literally, that's what they told me), and also, my heart is not in the normal location within the chest. Instead, my heart is to the left, and close to the surface. The other two tests I did, which included a breath test and ultrasound on my heart both came back pretty normal, at least according to the technicians, and I still have a few more tests to do. So, I don't have an answer yet, but that's been happening.

     So yes, this was most definitely stressful. Especially considering that in the beginning, my main concern was that my aorta could potentially be dilated, and therefore at risk for bursting, but the tests so far have at least somewhat eased that fear. But, if you add on top of this the fact that about a week earlier I learned that I have borderline, then, yeah.... April was.... stressful....

     So almost all of April I was stressing about my borderline and my pectus excavatum and the potential health problems it may be causing, plus on top of that the normal stress of work, school, callings, etc.

     To top it all off, just a few days ago, my car broke down. Now, car breakdowns are traumatic and stressful experiences for me (as I'm sure they are for many people), especially because I work 40 minutes from home. So late on Thursday night I call my insurance company to tow my car to the repair shop, and call my dad to pick me up. On top of everything I've been stressing about, I now have car issues to worry about that could be expensive, and if it took a long time to fix, would also make it difficult to get to work.

     Well, Friday afternoon I get a call from the repair shop. They told me they found the problem, and it was just a little wire that connected to the ignition, and that was why the car died. The repair shop very generously fixed the small wire without cost, and once my father got home from work, he took me to pick up my car.

     Driving home, I had an interesting thought. What if all of the things I'm dealing with in this life are just little broken wires? What if my experiences seem so traumatic at the time, but once the problem is fixed, I can look back with a smile, a laugh, and a sigh of relief and realize it was something so small compared to the grand scheme of things? What's funny is I realized this is my "normal". Borderline personality disorder may seem alien to other people, in fact, most people don't even know what it is. I didn't know what it was until a month ago, yet I've been living it for years. But you know what? It's my "normal". My pectus excavatum and the issues that come with it are my "normal". I am my "normal". Now, that's not to say I don't need to change or fix things in my life, but that is to say that I can laugh, smile, and see the humor in being me as I seek to become a better person.

     Knowing my issues, my struggles, my quirks, helps me to figure out who I am, and who I can become. It's not an accident that I'm same-sex attracted, or that I'm an addict, or borderline, or deal with health issues relating to a pectus. No, it's no coincidence or accident. God knew that I needed all of these things to grow. And rather than wallow in fear and pain, I can look up to Heaven and smile while my heart beats to its "normal irregular" heartbeat. Life is so amazing. Of course, being borderline, I mean that now, but in a few minutes I might hate life. But that doesn't make my first statement untrue, because eventually I'll laugh again and realize life it amazing.

     This experience also taught me that Christ is the ultimate healer and mechanic. He has already paid the ultimate price, and all He asks is that I come with a broken heart and contrite spirit, and willingly accept His assistance. He can fix my broken wires, and He can make me whole. Of course, because Christ knows what is best for me, He may not fix everything right away. In fact, some things I may have to wait a lifetime to repair, but in the end I know that Christ will fix me and make me whole. And one day, I will look back on my broken wires, and I will smile and laugh and cry with gratitude for the experiences I had that shaped me and helped me grow, and I will have my loving Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ to thank for all of it. For without them, there would be no broken, and there would be no fixed, and there would be no me. And, despite all of the broken parts, it really is amazing to be me.

     My testimony tonight is one of God's love for me. I know He loves me. I know He has given me these circumstances that I may grow and progress. I know that the gospel of Jesus Christ is the one true gospel, and that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is where I belong, and what I need to progress to be with my Father in Heaven again. Struggles come, but it's okay. It's just me, and I want to live my "normal irregular" life to the fullest, and become the best 'me' that I can be.

Everything

     This is my post about everything.... or nothing.... or something.... or a thing.... or... yeah...

     Awkward intro sentence? Okay. Here we go.

     What's going on in my life? Well, life of course.... I don't know, is it just every day stuff? Or is there more? Is it abnormal? Probably. Whatever.

     Alright, so here's the deal. Life is amazing. Really it is. Sometimes I want to scream it from the rooftops. Life is hard. Really it is. Sometimes I want to fall on my face and give up. Life is painful. Really it is. Sometimes I want to curl up in a dark corner and cry. Life is a journey. Really it is. New choices are present every day, and the question is, which will I choose?

      Mitchell, how many more "Life is..." sentences are you going to write? Okay, okay fine. I'll stop.

     I guess I really don't know where I'm going with my life. I mean, I have a job that I mostly love, sometimes don't, and usually feel fulfilled with. I'm going to college, and that's what I feel like I should be doing, but I have no idea what to study or what field to get a degree in. I enjoy going to Church, but feel inadequate to fulfill my responsibilities because I missed my home teaching this month and have been slacking on my calling and other responsibilities. I enjoy spending time with my family, but feel like I'm not a good son/brother because I just don't know how to be my true self around them... I love my best friend, and enjoy spending time with him, but I have issues with anger, depression, jealousy, etc. that can make it taxing for both him and myself.

     I just haven't felt "happy" for quite some time now. I mean, I get a little taste of it every now and then. Sometimes I feel happy momentarily when I'm with my family or friends, I usually feel happy (or at least spiritual) at Church, sometimes I feel happy at school, and sometimes I just get little sparks of happiness throughout the day. Overall  though, I feel like I'm just not happy. What's weird is that I'm not completely depressed either. Well, at least not like I used to be. I'm sort of just in this awkward middle place where things aren't happy or sad. They just are.

     What's frustrating is that I know I've been on both sides. I've been consistently happy for quite some time in my life more than once. Conversely I've also been consistently sad/depressed for some time as well. But for the past few months it has been neither. So why the in-between? I've been trying to figure it out, but I'm just not sure.

     I guess part of it, and something that I thought of this week, may be the fact that I haven't visited the temple for some time. I know in the past when I attended, the following week and month would be so much better. Things seemed happier and I usually had a better and deeper perspective. Another, and perhaps more obvious piece of the puzzle has been that I haven't been praying or reading scripture nearly as often as I should.

    I miss my dog. I know that's random, especially to suddenly interrupt the blog post with a seemingly unrelated sentence, but I really do. I don't know why, but I just thought of it. That's not why I'm unhappy, but I realize that she was a really big help for me emotionally. She loved me no matter what I did (okay, it was love/hate... but to me, that was love). I was able to hold her, pet her, sit close to her, play with her, spend time with her, etc. She was a comfort, and an ever-present friend. Sometimes I really miss holding her, hearing her growl, kissing her, petting her, watching her go crazy after getting a bath... My baby was an amazing friend who I can't wait to see again.

     I love helping people, but I hate it at the same time. Does that make sense? Probably not... K. Let me try to explain. One of the things in my life that makes me the happiest is helping people, or at least giving service (even if super small).

     One of the highlights of my week was Thursday during school. I'm in an English class right now, and the assignment for the next few weeks is writing an "I Believe..." essay. The essay is supposed to focus around one core belief we have, and talk about why we believe it, what experiences we have had that led to this belief, and where we are now and where we think we will be relating to this belief. Considering that I can usually only write well about things I feel passionately about, I chose to make my essay about my testimony, and remaining faithful in the Church while dealing with trials that some consider make me incompatible to live a gospel-centered life. Basically, my essay consists of a very condensed version of "My Story", with some sentences and topics put in there to make it match the "I Believe" format.

     Anyway, this week in class, we brought our essays to have them peer reviewed and edited. Keep in mind that my essay is basically my life's story, so it included stuff about my addictions, depression, and yes, homosexuality. The first two people who edited my essay expressed empathy and sympathy, and gave me good feedback on how to improve my essay. I can appreciate empathy but sympathy is usually awkward for me... I want people to recognize the accomplishments I've made, and encourage me to continue to live a faithful life to what I believe and know to be true, rather than express how sorry they are for what I deal with... I know people probably have good intentions when they do it, but please don't say you're sorry that I deal with same-sex attraction. It's a fact of my life. I've moved on. And it's not something that I suffer because of. What I can't stand, though, is when people are "sympathetic" that I'm LDS and deal with same-sex attraction... please never apologize to me about my religion. I love my religion, and I have no regrets about the religious path I have chosen to follow.

     I keep getting off topic... two paragraphs ago I said I would tell you about the highlight of my week... Well, the third girl who edited my essay was very kind about it. She gave me good feedback, said she really appreciated the essay, and then I gave her feedback on hers. Time was up, and we went back to our seats to hear the last of the lesson. When I went back to my seat and looked over the edits she had put on my essay, I noticed that she had basically written me a letter on the back. In the letter, she told me she has been struggling recently. She mentioned she has been fairly inactive in the Church, and is just getting back in to activity. She said she could relate to many of the things in my essay (though I don't know what things specifically). And lastly, she shared that she had been praying to know whether the Church was true, and if she was doing the right thing, and said she felt my essay was part of her answer. Reading that gave me one of those moments of happiness.

     My essay wasn't amazing or ground-shattering. It was just my story, a list of life experiences, and tying it all in to what I believe and why I believe it. I wasn't expecting it to change anyone's life, and in fact I was sort of nervous to have people read it (which is strange, considering I'm out to anyone who decided to open my blog). The fact that it helped her made me really happy. It made me feel like I can make a difference in the world...

     Well, it's late. I should go to sleep... I don't know all the answers yet. Like I said earlier, life is a journey. Hopefully I'll find the answer someday. Happiness is out there, I just need to find how to best attain it in my own life. I love my Heavenly Father. I'm so thankful for every blessing I've been given. I hope I'll be able to let God in to my life so that I can continue to move forward in life, in the gospel, and in improving myself.

     I love you all. God bless.

Let It Snow

     What does Christmas (and the holiday season) mean to me? I've had the question on my mind a lot today, and I've been thinking about my own personal answer.
     One of the first things I decided to do was dissect what it has meant to me over the years. When I was really young, Christmas meant presents. That's what I always thought of. When I grew a little bit older, it started to mean presents and family. Then it changed to presents, family, traditions, etc. It kept evolving but it has only really been the past few years that my list has started to really include Christ. Christmas and the holidays, while presents and family still come to mind, also make me think of my Savior, or worship, or peace and love, of the plan and mission of God and Christ.
     I think one of the best ways for me to explain this change is to talk about snow. Yes, I'm totally serious. Snow. I love the snow. I've heard many people talk about the different things that show them that God loves them. Sometimes it's a sunny day, sometimes it's a warm feeling inside, sometimes it's a rainy day, etc. I've definitely felt God's love from such situations, but for me, I know God loves me when it snows.
     As I've mentioned before in my blog, I deal with depression. My depression can pop up throughout the entire year, but is most prevalent in the winter months. So I guess you could call it seasonal depression.
     The reason snow means so much to me is because when I was in some of my darkest moments, when I felt the most alone, because it happened so often in the winter, I would just sit and watch the snow fall. It was comforting. Snow is quiet, but alive. Watching it fall so quietly, so softly, so gentle made me think of God and Christ. While I often felt so alone in my depression, watching the snow made me feel that Christ was there with me. I wasn't alone. And God was using the snow to show me that even in the hard times, when the world was cold and life was bitter, there was a quiet beauty in the world, and you just had to learn to sit back and find the beauty in the storm.
     Snow, unlike rain, doesn't just wash away. Snow blankets the earth, protecting it under its layers. Blankets have long been a source of security for me. Even as an adult, while I don't carry a blanket around with me, when I go to bed at night, or am watching a movie, having a blanket over me helps me feel safe and calm. Watching the snow fall also gives me a sense of safety and calmness.
     I love the whiteness of snow. It's so beautiful and makes the world so bright. Even at night, the light from the moon is reflected off of the snow lighting up the world, and the brightness is even more-so during the day when the sun shines.  It also makes everything look so clean and pure.
     One thing that happened last year during the winter is that ice would cover my car each night, so in the morning, I'd have to scrape my car before leaving. Usually it's a pain, but last year I noticed that the ice made beautiful patterns on my car. All you had to do was look closely. I took some pictures of some of the really pretty designs:

 

     I love the snow and I love the holidays. I've definitely been feeling the effects of depression the past few weeks. My depression isn't the same as it was in the past, but it's still emotionally difficult to endure. The forecast for tomorrow calls for snow, though, so I know I'll have peace and comfort being able to watch it silently fall.
     Happy holidays everyone! And whether you like the snow or not, celebrate the life of Christ this season, and remember you're never alone and God always loves you.
    

God Still Loves Me

     My laptop that has been having physical issues for months was fixed in seconds by a tiny screw I found on my floor a couple days ago. And you know what? I know that God still loves me.

     I've had my current laptop for about a year now. My laptop has worked great, and has been the main place I work on school assignments, blog, work, etc. I had no complaints about my laptop until about 3-4 months ago when I noticed an unhappy clicking sound whenever I opened the screen, and eventually noticed what was happening. Every time I opened the screen, the hinges attaching the screen to the chassis would separate. They did not separate completely, but spread far enough apart that the screen sat at an angle, and I worried eventually they would split completely.

     I put off doing anything about it for a few months. I didn't think the issue was that big of a deal until I noticed the separation getting worse and worse, and eventually with the prodding and encouragement from my best friend, I decided to contact Dell and get my computer sent in for repair.

     My computer was sent out to be repaired a little over a week ago. When I sent it out for repair, it was my understanding that my computer was still covered by the warranty as I haven't even owned it for a year yet. I believed the issue would be covered by warranty because it was not caused by misuse (unless opening the laptop counts as misuse) and it wasn't accidental damage considering that I've never dropped my laptop, and carry it in a protective case.

     Well, when my laptop finally arrived at the repair depot, I received a call stating that the repairs necessary were not covered by my warranty, as it was deemed by the repair-depot personnel to have been caused by accidental damage. I tried speaking with multiple people at Dell to explain to them that my computer has never been accidentally damaged, and whatever happened to my hinges must have been caused by a manufacturing flaw. My best friend researched the warranty further, and discovered that the necessary repairs should most definitely be covered by my warranty, yet despite multiple calls speaking with multiple representatives, Dell was still unwilling to fix my laptop covered by warranty.

    After much stress and frustration, I got another call from Dell. No, they still weren't willing to repair it under warranty, but they told me they could repair it for $159.... $159?! I don't have that much money to just throw around, and certainly not for a repair that should be covered by warranty. After unsuccessfully trying to get the representatives at Dell to realize that it wasn't accidental damage, and that I wasn't lying to them, I finally decided it wasn't worth it. If I really needed to, I could throw some duct-tape on the hinges and call it good rather than waste hours on the phone with people who can barely speak English and aren't willing to believe me, or spend $159 on a repair that should have been covered. I told them to send it back.

     Well, a couple days ago when I was sitting in my room talking to my best friend, I noticed a small black thing on my carpet. At first, I honestly thought it was nothing but a piece of lint. I thought nothing of it. But for some reason, after a time, I decided I didn't like it, and picked it up planning to throw it away (still under the assumption that it was lint). Well, I picked it up and it wasn't lint. It was a tiny black screw that I had no idea what it went to, but it looked important. I decided to put it on my bedside table in case one day I figured out what it was for.

     Fast-forward to today. My computer arrived back from the repair depot. No, my computer was not fixed. In fact, when I pulled it out, I was disappointed and perturbed... The hinges were worse than when I sent it out for repair. I started to regret not pursuing the phone calls more. Maybe if I had been more determined and stern they would have covered it under the warranty that should have covered it in the first place. Then I even started regretting not paying the $159 they asked to get it repaired. I started thinking maybe the $159 they asked for would have been better than the chance the screen might soon fall off and the repairs associated with that.

     Well, I went through the next few hours feeling concerned, wishing I had done more to get my computer fixed, until suddenly, late at night when I should have been asleep (like right now, I should be asleep), I suddenly had a light-bulb moment. The screw! I had seen one just like it before on the back of my laptop! Eagerly, I flipped on my light, flipped my computer upside down, grabbed the screw, and looked at the back of my computer. But.... both screw holes I could see had screws in them, screwed in securely. A few seconds of feeling defeat.... but wait...

     As I looked at the back of my laptop in defeat, suddenly I noticed two holes near the hinges I hadn't noticed before.... screw holes! And one of them was missing! I stuck the screw in the hole and hurried downstairs to grab the tiny screw driver to screw it in. Success! One screw was missing completely, and the other was loose, so I put the one back in, and tightened the other, and flipped my computer right-side up.

     Nervousness... I start opening my laptop screen, totally expecting to hear that awful clicking.... relief.... excitement! It didn't happen! No click! Close the screen... check the hinges.... they're still connected! Breathe a sign of relief mixed with feeling ecstatic. My computer is fixed! Hallelujah!

     Then my thoughts started to turn to all of the different things that had happened or could have happened. I could have paid Dell $159 to "fix" my computer when obviously the technicians had no idea what the issue was. On all the phone calls, they said my hinges had gone bad. They obviously hadn't noticed a screw was missing.... and when it's your job to know what's wrong with a computer, and you can't notice a missing screw, well I'll let you fill in the blank. After-all, how many people have heard of a $159 screw? I certainly haven't, not even when you count labor involved in screwing it in, though it might be nice to get paid $159 every time you screw in a screw...

     Holy cow, what had happened leading up to this? My computer has been having issues for months, I have no idea what the issue is, I send it in to get fixed expecting warranty to cover it. No luck. Dell is unwilling to fix it without payment. I give up. Send it back. Find a screw in my carpet that I am beyond lucky to not have vacuumed up, lost, or thrown away without even realizing what it was. Get my computer back. Get a prompting. Check the back of my computer. Find the missing screw hole, stick it in, tighten it and the other screw, and voila! My computer is fixed!

     There are some people that might honestly be able to convince themselves that it was all a coincidence. Coincidence that I didn't pay $159. Coincidence I didn't vacuum or throw away that screw that had been on my carpet for at least 8 days (and I usually vacuum every 1-2 weeks). Coincidence that, at midnight lying awake in bed I suddenly have the impression that the screw I had since forgotten about finding anyway went to my computer. Coincidence that etc. etc. etc. But to me, it was not at all a coincidence. This was absolute proof that God still does, always has, and always will love me. Proof that I can still receive promptings. Proof that I still have God in my life.

     Tonight is a good night, even though it's way past bed time. I'm writing this post on my computer that works great now, and feeling so thankful and loved. God is perfect. I love life.

     Oh, and a note to my future self. Remember to trust in God and His timing. Listen to promptings. Remember that God loves you yesterday, today, tomorrow, and forever. Remember that life is good, even if it's hard, and you rarely see the big picture until it hits you in the face at the end. Oh, and remember you can always trust God more than some 'technician'.

Supreme Court Legalizes Gay Marriage Nationwide

     The Supreme Court of the United States of America decided today in the case of Obergefell v. Hodges that same-sex marriage is to be legalized in all 50 states, effective immediately.

     Well, it happened. Same-sex marriage is now legal nationwide.

     This decision was one of the first things I saw when I woke up this morning. The one thing I have opposed more than almost anything else in my life has now been legalized.

     One might think this would be crushing news to me. To be honest, I wasn't surprised. I mean, this isn't the first moral failing of United States law. Look at the legalization of abortion, for example.

     Does that mean I'm not upset? Certainly not. I'm definitely upset.

     Today's decision was shaking, but not (personally) in strictly a bad way. Of course, the decision itself is bad. There was nothing good at all about the court's decision. But the decision I read this morning only grounded me more powerfully in the gospel. I realized today that I am definitely on the side I want to be on. On God's side. I realized that, while I'm just one human being, I have power. I have a position that very few people have on this issue. I am gay (as far as attraction is concerned), yet still live a religious life, avoiding any inappropriate, sexual, or romantic relationships with the same-sex. I realize that same-sex attraction is not a choice, but acting inappropriately on those attractions is definitely a choice.

     And you know what? Regardless of how small I may be as a single person, I am on God's side, and I can make decisions in my life that will have an impact, whether seen or not. This fourth of July, rather than wear a shirt with the American Flag on it, I'll wear my Voice(s) of Hope shirt (which is something, unlike my country, that I support wholeheartedly). Thanks to Google's hashtag that appeared on their homepage supporting the court's decision, I am now using a different search engine and boycotting Google. I will also be more conscious of companies I give my business to, and will do my best wherever possible to give my business only to companies with good morals, preferably those who support traditional marriage.

     On a little bit different note, I wanted to bring up some concerns I had about the court's decision that go beyond just morals.

     During my last semester of college, my most educating class (or at least the one I learned the most in), was my United States government class. We talked specifically about the different roles of the three branches. The Supreme Court (Judicial branch) definitely stepped out of bounds with their decision today.

     The job of the Supreme Court is to enforce existing laws (created by the Legislative branch), and to alter existing laws where those laws conflict with the Constitution. Never has it been the Supreme Court's responsibility to enact laws, especially when these laws have nothing to do with the Constitution, or override the jurisdiction of another branch of government.

     The responsibility to create and pass laws belongs to the federal and state Legislative branch. Yet today, the Supreme Court decided to overrule both the federal and state legislatures, and create a law on their own.

     Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts cautioned Americans to "not celebrate the Constitution." because "It had nothing to do with it." The Chief Justice, the head of the 9 Supreme Court justices, stated the ruling had nothing to do with the Constitution, which is supposed to be involved in every ruling of the Supreme Court.

     Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia stated (in reference to the decision) "It is not of special importance to me what the law says about marriage. It is of overwhelming importance, however, who it is that rules me. Today's decree says that my Ruler, and the Ruler of 320 million Americans coast-to-coast, is a majority of nine lawyers on the Supreme Court."

     The Supreme Court was designed to be the final say, and has always been the most powerful branch of government (in that sense), but today they showed that they have decided to be our new rulers. Their decision today directly undermined the legislative branch's responsibility.

     It is sad that the Democratic Republic that once defined America has died. We are now ruled by 9 individuals who are not even elected by the people. Instead, justices are appointed by the president, and then approved by the Senate. Justices never go before the public for a vote before being appointed.

     It is unfortunate that the Supreme Court has overstepped their bounds and claimed power over and above all branches of the government.

     Despite all of the bad news, my name is still Mitchell Clark, I am still a son of God, I still have a voice and will still use it, and I still have the power to make a difference. I will, with God's blessing and support, fight the good fight till the end of my earthly days and beyond. I believe in God, I believe in the Bible, I believe in the Book of Mormon, I believe in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and I believe that marriage, as ordained by God, is between a man and a woman, and that same-sex marriage as defined by God is sinful and wrong. And, so long as I am living my life correctly and in accordance with God's law, I will keep those beliefs and testimony until the day I die, and beyond.

     I follow what the LDS Church said about this decision; "The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints acknowledges that following today's ruling by the Supreme Court, same-sex marriages are now legal in the United States. The court's decision does not alter the Lord's doctrine that marriage is a union between a man and a woman ordained by God. While showing respect for those who think differently, the church will continue to teach and promote marriage between a man and a woman as a central part of our doctrine and practice."

     The laws of men cannot and will not define the laws of God.