Spoiled

     Today I realized very clearly that God has spoiled me. I have sooo many people in my life who love me so much, and I just take it for granted..... Maybe it's because I don't yet love myself like I should, or maybe it's because I'm oblivious to some things until it hits me in the face and I realize I took it for granted the whole time.
     At my 12-step addiction recovery meeting last week one of the missionaries, an elderly man named Elder Lundt, who has always been kind to me, and said many kind things to me handed me a poem and told me to take it. He gave it to me after the meeting had concluded. He had read the poem to everyone during the meeting, crying while he did because the spirit touched him. He said the poem was so meaningful to him, and he gave me a copy, but no one else in the meeting received one.
     Today at my meeting, Elder Lundt made it a point to say hi to me, ask me how I was, and thank me for coming. We didn't have a facilitator and he asked me to be the first to share. I didn't feel worthy to share at all, this week hasn't been my best, yet out of everyone else, he chose me... I felt special, even though I still felt unworthy. I didn't share anything groundshaking, and felt lame after sharing. I figured for sure someone could have done a better job than me, and that it would've been better if I shared later in the meeting so I would have time to think of what to share, but he chose me to go first.
     After the meeting, Elder Lundt approached me and said "I hope you didn't feel picked on last week when I handed you that poem. I just felt like you needed it." I felt warm inside when he said that. Elder Lundt, a missionary in a 12-step meeting I've only been attending for a few months, cared enough about me to feel like I needed something, and decided to act on it and hand me a poem that meant so much to him.
     After that experience, as I was walking out of my meeting and driving home, I started thinking of how much people in my life love me, and how many times I'm oblivious or take it for granted.... So many people, even people I never ever thought would love me have expressed so much care for me.
     God has blessed me so much with some of the most amazing people ever in my life. I have a family who loves me, even when I'm stubborn, rude, inconsiderate, closed, bitter, angry, or incapable of returning their level of love. I have the best friend in the world who holds me, hugs me, tells me he loves me, turns me to God, puts my name on the temple prayer role basically every week, and spends much of his time with me. I have people who I no longer have strong relationships with who still text me or call me, or say when they see me how much they love and care about me.
     I've had trials in my life, but I've also had so many blessings that I so often forget.... God has spoiled me, and while I don't know why, and don't deserve it, He has chosen to give me so many people who love me so much more than I could ever comprehend, and one of the hardest things for me is knowing that, right now, since I don't love myself, that I can't love them as much as they love me because I don't know how..... yet.....
     This week was full of bitter, stressful, & sad situations, but today I feel like I'm on top of the world. I don't know why God gave me such wonderful loving people in my life, but I do know one thing; I have a lot of gratitude needing to be given, and a lot of work to do to love others' as much as they love me. Life is amazing. And as much as so many people love me, I know there are ones who love me more, and that's my Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ.
     Just one last thing I'll share is the poem Elder Lundt gave to me. It's a great poem, and I feel so blessed for it, and everything else I've been given in my life.

 Even If

(by: unknown)

 

Even If;

Your heart is breaking

Your mind is unclear

Your tired and restless and full of fear

Come to me-

even if

You say words you shouldn't

You don't do things you should

You doubt and try to change,

but never think you could.

Come to me-

even if

You thought an evil thought

You thought the thought again

You turned the thought to action and now your bound in sin.

Come to me-

even if

You say "But I knew better, I belong to you"

Child, I am not surprised by anything you do.

I made you in my image I fashioned you with care,

When you cried tears into your pillow, remember I was there.

I have always been and always will be.

For even when you do those things, you still belong to me.

Even if you do these things, Oh child, don't you see?

Even if, even if, you still can come to me.

There is a secret place I have created where you may seek my face,

this place I have for you is called "The Father's Warm Embrace"

And when I have held you in my arms and rocked you, listening closely to your fears,

I will place you on my lap, and wipe away your tears.

Then, I will smile. A smile to let you know I am pleased.

For when you hurt and when you sinned, still- you came to me.

So, do not draw back from me my child,

I am Abba Father to you, remember in my words I said -Behold,

I make all things new.

I will forgive you, heal you, restore you,

I will shower you with grace.

I will never turn my back to you, but you will see my face.

On your journey home, when I see you I will run....

Even if, Even if, My child, even if just come. 

 

    

I Promise... Whatever Happens to Him Will Only be for His Betterment

     I just barely had an experience that really made me think, and realize a piece of my testimony I didn't even realize I had. One of my neighbors came over to my house and was frantically knocking at my door. I opened the door, and she was crying. She asked me if I knew where her son was, and gave me the name of who her son was with and asked if I knew him. I didn't know where he was, nor did I know the boy he was with. She was terrified and frantic. Her son had been missing for hours, and she had no idea where he was. I offered her what help I could, wishing I could tell her what I was feeling.
     See, the thing was that despite her complete fear and urgency, I felt calm. I don't just mean because he isn't my son, but because I knew things would work out in the end. I know from a promise I've been told multiple times that "No matter what happens, it will only be for our betterment." God would take care of him, no matter what happened, no matter how serious.
     There are lots of people in the world who believe that if God really loved us, he wouldn't let bad things like abuse, torture, slavery, death, and pain happen to us and those we love. There are people who believe that God lets bad things happen to good people for one reason or another, or even that God causes bad things to happen to a good person. We ask "Why me?" when something awful happens in our lives, or "how could you do that to them?" when someone we love dearly is afflicted. I know I have had thoughts and feelings like that throughout my life, but now I have a different understanding.
     God does not cause bad things to happen to good people, and there really isn't such thing as a bad person, just someone who has made bad choices. God puts trials in our lives, God lets us experience hardship to teach us, and help us grow. I look at all I went through in the past, the things I had no control over; the abuse, the pain, the death/loss, depression, etc. and the things I could've controlled; the addictions, the sins, the poor choices, etc. Those things could've totally destroyed me if I let them, and for a while, I was letting myself be destroyed from the hardships in my life. Now, however, I use the experiences God gave to me to build me up, and I am stronger, wiser, more courageous, more outspoken, more willing, more humble, better than I have ever been. God promised that whatever we go through in this life, so long as we endure it well and use our free agency to choose good, that it would only be for our betterment.
    When the woman was at my house, I wanted to tell her that it would be ok, that no matter what happened, even if it was awful and tragic, that it would only be for the betterment of her and her son so long as they followed God's will. My mind raced through all the possibilities of where he could be, of what could have happened to him, of what I might see or hear on the news in a day or two, but I had an assurance in my mind that no matter what happened to him, it would only be for his betterment. Then I realized it wasn't just him I was thinking of, it was the voice telling me the same. "Mitchell, whatever happens to you, whatever has happened to you, no matter how hard, painful, destructive, or seemingly cruel and unnecessary, I promise you it was only for your betterment." Then I just felt peace.
     As she left my house to go looking for her son again, I said a prayer for her. Her family is not LDS, nor is she, and I don't think they believe in God. I can only imagine how much harder that must've made it for her. In the prayer I said for her and her son, I asked that God would watch over them, and that regardless of what happened, everything would work out. And it did. He was found not long after I had prayed, and nothing had happened to him whatsoever. He was fine and safe. It reminded me again that God always hears and answers prayers for all His children.
     I'm not trying to say that it's "ok" when bad things happen to us or those we love. I'm not saying we should just let bad things happen to us or those around us, and I'm definitely not saying we should seek out those things, what I am saying however is that when they do come, and we don't have control, we just have to let God guide. We have to let Him hold us in His arms and trust in His promise that whatever happens to us, so long as we endure it well and use our free agency to choose good, that it will only be for our betterment and those around us.
     I have people in my life who I absolutely love who have endured the pains of abuse, death, betrayal, etc. and I see the pain it has caused them, and I mourn for their pain, particularly if they've let it destroy them rather than build. Sometimes I get upset with God, and say "How could you let that happen to someone as great as them? What could they have ever done to deserve that?" Then I have to remind myself that people go through trials to become stronger, if they choose, and that through their free agency can use those trials to bring them closer to God than they have ever been. I just have to remember that God has a reason for everything that happens, and that I do not have a perfect knowledge of why, nor does anyone else on this earth. All I can do is rely on my knowledge that, through the access of free agency, any bad thing that happens to someone can make them wiser, stronger, and closer to God, and for that I am thankful.



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rr8xvw0cgw0

     I am thankful that God loves me enough to cut me down. I am thankful that God loves all of His children enough to cut them down, knowing that it will be for their benefit. Trials in this life may be frequent, painful, and seemingly impossible to endure, but if we can but take the bitter with the sweet, we will gain the ability to come out on top, and be wiser, stronger, and closer to God than we have ever been. I have a testimony of this, and bare that testimony in the name of my Savior Jesus Christ, amen.

When I Finally Make it Home

     I've been listening to a song recently that has really hit me hard, and given me a desire to get even closer to God than I ever have. The song is called "Finally Home" by MercyMe. Every time I listen to it, I get emotional. I don't mean I cry every time I listen to it, I just feel the spirit, I feel God telling me He loves me, and I feel myself becoming like a little child, just wanting my Heavenly Father to be proud of me, to welcome me home, to tell me He loves me and has been waiting for me.

Finally Home

MercyMe

If the video is unavailable, you can view it here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tnTu0i9cj-I

 

I'm gonna wrap my arms around my daddy's neck
And tell him that I've missed him
And tell him all about the man that I became
And hope that it pleased him
There's so much I wanna say
So much I want you to know

When I finally make it home
Then I'll gaze upon the throne of the King
Frozen in my steps
And all the questions that I swore I would ask
Words just won't come yet
So amazed at what I've seen
So much more than this old mind can hold

When I finally make it home
When I finally make it home

And the sweetest sound these ears have yet to hear
The voices of the angels

When I finally make it home
When I finally make it home

 

     I was just thinking as I listened to it how wonderful my life is, and how wonderful it is that through Christ, everyone gets a second chance, a third chance, a fourth chance, a fifth, and so on. It humbles me to think of the purpose of this life. We come here to earth to gain a body, to exercise our free agency and choose our eternal destiny, to learn and gain experience through the trials of this life, and to receive the opportunity to gain the attributes of God.

     It makes me think about the times when I considered taking my life, and how much of a loss and tragedy it would have been had that happened. I know I wouldn't be proud of myself in the next life if I gave up the fight, and I wouldn't expect God to be either, and know that I would not be able to obtain Celestial Glory. I am thankful that God provides me with time on this earth to learn and grow.

     It reminds me of what this life is really about. We don't come here to earth to gain worldly success, we come to learn the quality's that God has, and strive to become like Him while still keeping individuality. We come here to gain a body, and be able to be resurrected as perfect beings. We come to learn, grow, and find ourselves. Life is a blessing, and should never be taken for granted. God loves every single one of His children, and I am so excited to be in His presence once again when my journey here is through.



     I can't even imagine what it will be like when my time has come, and I return home. What will it look like? What will it feel like? Will God be proud of me? Will He welcome me home with love and honor? Will He accept me in His courts? Only time will tell, and I'm willing to wait until He calls me home. I'm happy to stay here and grow as long as He needs me to.

Found

     This last Sunday, I endured one of the darkest experiences of my life, matched only by the lowest day of my life back when I was in inpatient treatment. Hiting such a low point emotionally, feeling absolutely hopeless and lost, I let myself go and allowed myself to be inhabitted by an evil spirit that was not my own. I will not go into detail of what I experienced that night, as I do not feel it is necessary, but I will say I felt dark, miserable, inhuman, and ultimately terrified.
     In my darkest moment that night, God knew my needs, and my best friend called me. My best friend, out of concern and love, came to my house at 10:30 pm Sunday night to be with me and give me a blessing. I was able to overcome the evil in me as he was on his way over and went and spoke with my dad, telling him all that had happened. My dad just expressed love to me, and was totally willing to give me a blessing with my friend.
     Once my friend arrived I had calmed down enough to be rational. As he and my father prepared to give me a blessing, I just let myself breathe and relax, and pray to God. The second my friend and my dads hands rested on my head, peace, warmth, and love rushed through me and before my dad even started the blessing, I began crying.
     For the first time in months I felt God speaking to me. I listened to the blessing, and can remember bits and pieces, but the thing that stuck with me most was the feeling I had. For the first time in what seemed like forever, I could feel God holding me, I could hear Him speaking, and while I didn't know exactly what He said, I knew He loved me and was with me in that moment. Once the blessing was finished, I hugged my father and my friend crying, feeling God with me having just experienced one of the most spiritual moments of my life after hitting one of my deepest lows.



     My friend spent some time with me that night before going home, and because he was a return missionary, I decided to ask him to teach me as a missionary would. During the deep depression I had hit last week, my testimony had shattered and scattered, and while I had some pieces in tact, I had lost a lot. I decided I wanted to start from "square one" again, beginning with being taught by a missionary (something I had never done before) and it has been so amazing.
     I have a lot of work to do, and a lot of knowledge to regain, I have a relationship with God that needs rebuilding, and I need to learn to hear His voice and trust that He can speak to me. As hard as it will be, I want to feel how I felt during and after my blessing on Sunday every day of my life. I want to hear God speak to me, I want to want to do His will and stay forever true to Him. As hard as Sunday and the week before was, I will never forget how I felt when utter peace and comfort overcame me during that blessing, and when I felt God closer to me than I ever had prior to that moment.
     Building back my testimony is going to be hard work. I'm not talking about my morals, those are still in tact, but the basis of my testimony needs strengthening and renewal, and I can never forget hearing God's voice, feeling His arms around me. Life is beautiful, it really is, and no matter how many times I get lost, it's beautiful to know I can always be found again.

 

 

Voices of Hope, My Video! ;D

Soooo...... My video came out! Finally! Ahhhhh! I was so excited! I didn't post it one here until now because, well, the day it came out was an extremely eventful day in many different ways (which I will talk about later). Anyway, just thought I'd share it here! The video I posted above is the full-length interview. There is a highlight (a shorter more condensed version) available, but I watched both and liked the full interview a lot more. Hope you enjoy it! I know I did! And this is probably stuck-up for me to say, but this video made me realize how good-looking I actually am. (You learn something new every day)....
;D ;D ;D
Also, if you're on a mobile device, or the video just doesn't show up, you can access it here at this link; http://ldsvoicesofhope.org/voice.php?v=46#.UvVpOruPKW8 which will take to you the VoH website, and specifically to my video.

Life is amazing!!!!!! Love you all!

True Mind, True Heart, True Spirit

     I was watching my favorite cartoon series of all time; "Avatar: The Last Airbender". I've used quotes from it before, but this time while I was watching it, I picked up on quotes I hadn't really thought of before or picked up on. I think they are so amazing, and so true. And.... spoken from the mouth of a lion turtle ;)

"The true mind can weather all the lies and illusions without being lost. The true heart can tough the poison of hatred without being harmed. Since beginningless time, darkness thrives in the void, but always yields to purified light."



     "The true mind can weather all the lies and illusions without being lost." I loved this line.
And, of course, me being me compared it to my life, to the world today. Look at what's going on in the world; wars, contentions, lies, murder, abuse, laws being put in place against moral standards put in place by the Creator of this world, the Giver of Life, Giver of all Good Things, God. The world is filled with lies, every where you go, sin is seen as good, wonderful, acceptable, normal. Accepting those sins is seen as the only way to "love" someone.

     Yes, I'm going to bring it up; gay marriage. The world would have you believe that "love" is never wrong, no matter who, or what sex it is between. That God has no right to claim otherwise, and that if you do not support same-sex marriage, that you hate and persecute those who strive for it. What a lie that is, and yet how many people fall for it! How many people have fallen for the lie that "so long as you love someone, it's ok to have sex before marriage." that "revenge is ok, if someone has hurt you." that "it's ok not to forgive someone if they've done something wrong to you or someone you love." that "it's ok to judge and gossip and look down on others." that "there is no sin, God doesn't exist, we all die anyway." or even that "God does exist, but will beat us with a few stripes and forgive us all our wrongs anyway, we don't have to do our part because He will make up the difference whether we try or not." There are millions of lies spread throughout the world. They're one of Satan's greatest tools.

     Then, the other day I came across a wonderful scripture; "2 Nephi 2:13 And if ye say there is no law, ye shall also say there is no sin. If ye shall say there is no sin, ye shall also say there is no righteousness. And if there be no righteousness there be no happiness. And if there be no righteousness nor happiness there be no punishment nor misery. And if these things are not there is no God. And if there is no God we are not, neither the earth; for there could have been no creation of things, neither to act nor to be acted upon; wherefore, all things must have vanished away." Fits perfectly. If we deny the truth God has placed before us, we deny God himself, and if we deny God, we deny even ourselves, even our very existence, even the existence of life.

     "The true heart can tough the poison of hatred without being harmed." True heart can tough hatred, persecution, standing alone, being betrayed, and not be harmed. One of my best friends is a wonderful example of this. He has been through so much in regards to other people. So many people have stabbed him in the back, hated him for his decisions to follow God, been betrayed by people who called themselves friends', and been dealt a rough hand in life, yet still he loves without ceasing everyone around him. He forgives without a second thought. An even more perfect example of this is Christ. Persecuted, hated, betrayed, and finally sent to His death by the very people He loved so dearly and pleaded for daily. And even on the cross He begged for them to be forgiven, and still He loved them.

     If my heart and mind are true, I can weather all pain and lies, and not be corrupted; for "darkness thrives in the void, but always yields to purified light."

 

     

Frozen Skin, Melted Heart

     This New Years Eve I was having a hard time emotionally. I was feeling disconnected socially, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. I guess you could say I was depressed. My depression now, when it hits, is so much less than it used to be, and for that I'm thankful. Anyway, back on subject. I was at a family/friend party when it all started to hit me. I just wanted to leave, yet here I was with 4 hours left until midnight, and 4 hours until I could go home. Lucky for me, my dad wasn't feeling well and decided to leave early. I went home with him.
     When I got home I decided I was going to go on a walk. It was dark, it was cold (winter in Utah; snow, ice, cold....), and I wanted to "run away", so to speak, from my troubles and just have alone time to think. On my way out of the house, I called my best friend for help. Before I was even out of my neighborhood, he told me to get down on my knees and pray. I tried explaining the situation to him, that I was in the middle of my neighborhood and would feel really awkward kneeling down and praying in the middle of the sidewalk in front of all these houses. He said he didn't care, he wanted me to kneel down and pray anyway. I reluctantly agreed, knowing deep inside it was what I needed to do.
     As I said goodbye to my friend before I knelt to pray, he told me he loved me and would pray for me too. By this time I had made it to the Sky-walk (what I call those bridges people walk on to cross busy streets above the cars.) I wasn't out of my neighborhood yet, and was still in view of quite a few houses, so slightly embarrassed and self-conscious, I knelt to pray. Kneeling on the cold hard cement, where I was vulnerable, visible, and desperate, I started to be humbled. I prayed to God, asked for help, thanked Him for all the blessings He had given me, and prayed for those I loved. As I stood up from that cold cement, I felt a weight lifted. It felt like the hurt and poison that was my negative emotions was slowly being removed from me.
     I decided then that rather than go through with my original plan of walking/running far away hoping to get lost or hurt, I would instead run up, down, and across the skywalk. All the activity got me warm enough that I took off my jacket. I felt a desire now that I hadn't felt in some time. I wanted to pray, I wanted to talk to God, I wanted to hear Him, and have Him hear me. I knelt to pray multiple times on that Sky-walk. I was becoming more and more joyful. I started dancing and singing, in full view of the cars passing below and anyone in or around their houses in view of me, but I didn't care anymore. I didn't care if anyone saw me praying.
     I kept running, dancing, singing, praying, until my lungs hurt from the cold. I felt elated, I felt so free, I'm sure I looked ridiculous to anyone who saw me, but I didn't and still don't care because I was close to God, and I've been without that for some time now.
     It got me thinking though, even though I feel distant from God at times, how blessed I am that He loves me anyway and always wants me back. How blessed I am that my testimony runs deep enough that I don't question most aspects of it when I'm struggling. One thing that perpetrated my mind a lot in the past was the question "would me marrying a man really be that bad?" and now, it doesn't even phase me. Maybe I'm just jinxing myself, but I feel like I've had that question answered plainly. I know it's not what God wants for me, or any of His children, and so I don't support gay marriage. Even in my times of questioning, that subject isn't an issue for me anymore.
     Even when I don't feel God's love, or at least don't allow myself to, I still know logically that He loves me. I've felt so blessed to have that knowledge and testimony. I feel so blessed to have taken what was once just belief, or just trusting in the testimony of others', and now to have it as my own real testimony.
     The thing is that the legalization of gay marriage in Utah didn't affect my decision to avoid sexual or romantic homosexual relationships. All it did for me was make me sad, sad for the people who will fall now because of the influence and choices of others. Sad for the world, and the US which is failing and falling into darkness. This once great nation is being destroyed from the inside out. We are becoming evil and corrupt, and trust me, there's already a ton of that anyway. It saddens me, but doesn't affect my desire and conviction to serve God, and for this I am thankful.
     It was with Frozen Skin, but a Melted Heart that I found God again, and for that I am thankful. May this New Year be prosperous for all, and may God bless and touch lives that they may turn to Him and follow Him in truth and righteousness.



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