Hold to the Iron Rod

In Lehi's vision in 1 Nephi 8, there is an iron rod along a strait and narrow path that leads to the tree of life. Along the path there is a river, and on the other side of the river there is a great and spacious building. The iron rod is enshrouded in a mist of darkness. Lehi sees individuals who lose their way in the mist of darkness. Some of them drown in the river, and some of them make it to the great and spacious building. Others, who hold tight to the iron rod, make it through the mist of darkness and reach the tree of life. Those in the great and spacious building point fingers and mock and scorn those partaking of the fruit of the tree of life. Some who have partaken of the fruit feel ashamed due to the mocking and scorn, and fall away and are lost. 

Lehi's Dream, by Greg Olsen

Just yesterday, a prominent voice in the gay Mormon community announced a significant change in their life and testimony. This individual was in a mixed-orientation marriage (meaning a marriage where spouses have different sexual orientations, such as a gay man married to a straight woman) that they decided to end. This normally wouldn't be much of an issue to me, aside from feeling genuinely sorry for them and those that their decision will affect. However, in the process of them announcing their decision for divorce, they also made very generalized and erroneous claims, and accused the church's stance on LGBT issues of literally killing people. 

In their post, they claimed that because their marriage failed, all other mixed-orientation marriages were doomed to fail. That’s simply a logical fallacy. It would be like me claiming that, as a native English speaker, because I failed a Spanish class in high school, that everyone else who is a native English speaker will also fail that same class. I feel this claim is particularly assumptive as I know people within the gay Mormon community who have happy and loving mixed-orientation marriages. I also feel it’s dangerous and unnecessarily damaging to potential marriages in the future. For example, while I don’t currently see marriage being an option for me, if one day I honestly fall in love with a woman and want to marry, if she were to do a Google search about marrying a gay Mormon man, and she happened upon that post, would she reconsider or have serious doubts that would change her mind about potentially marrying me?

The individual who wrote the post has a very large following, and is well-known and quite influential. For this reason, I honestly fear for those who may be negatively affected or led astray due to this individual’s choice and decision to turn against the church. And it’s not just those who are LGBT members of the church. I have already seen others who have been influenced and swayed by this post, and by other factors. Members who I wish were my allies, who I wish supported me and believed the doctrines of the church they are members of, turning against the church because of the scorn and mocking from the great and spacious building.

It seems that when someone falls away from the iron rod, they have a good chance of taking others down with them. Especially when this is someone with influence and a large following. It makes it particularly damaging and confusing when they pull others away in the confusion of large issues such as LGBT matters. There are so many opposing voices on this topic, so many black and whites, so many shades of grey, that it can honestly be hard sometimes to decipher what is true and what is not. And that’s part of what makes this such a powerful topic, both for good and evil. I have found incredible strength in my testimony by pushing through the difficulties that come along with being a faithful member of the church while also being attracted to the same sex. And there are definitely difficulties. And then there are others who have been lost in the mists of darkness due to the complexities and difficulties surrounding this issue.

I will be honest, sometimes it is difficult to not occasionally feel ashamed or confused when the voices from the great and spacious building are so loud and disparaging. Sometimes I do wonder if it would be easier or better to just go join the masses. But then I remember why I’m here. Why I keep going. Why I am pushing forward despite the difficulty and pain that I go through. I keep going because I have a testimony of Jesus Christ and His gospel. I’m here because I have worth that I can’t comprehend, and potential that I can’t currently realize. I’m pushing forward because I have a brother who loved me enough to pay for my sins, and die for me that I can live again. I’m here because I have a Heavenly Father who created this world, and put forth a plan wherein I can return to be with Him and with those that I love for eternity. I’m going on because God is loving, God is just, and God is merciful.

Being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints can honestly be incredibly difficult sometimes. I get lost in the complexities of life, and recently I’ve been realizing that it can be really good to return to the small and simple things. There’s a song that I like called “I Wanna Go Back” by David Dunn that has really touched me recently. Part of the lyrics are “I wanna go back to Jesus loves me this I know for the Bible tells me so. I wanna go back to this little light gonna let it shine. I wanna go back.” I have been so lost in some of the complexities that I’ve been forgetting some of the simple things. Forgetting that Jesus loves me, forgetting to pray and read the scriptures, forgetting why I have a testimony. But recently I’ve been going back. Going back to believing that Jesus loves me, and there is a plan for me. And that’s what matters.

            If you’re holding on to the iron rod, don’t let go. Those in the great and spacious building will continue to scoff, mock, and scorn. Difficulties will arise, things will be tough. But hold on. I believe that Jesus loves me. I believe that I have a place in the gospel. I believe that I can live a full life following the doctrine of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. And I believe that God’s plan is possible for all of His children, that He loves all of them, and that there is a way back through Christ’s atonement. And I will keep holding to the iron rod and I'll press forward with faith.

The Broken Wire

     This April, I had a lot going on...

     Early in the month I found out that I have borderline personality disorder. This came as somewhat of a shock, honestly. I mean in reality, when I first found out, I didn't even know what borderline was. I've struggled emotionally, socially, and mentally in certain ways most of my life, but I've only ever been officially diagnosed with depression and anxiety, and so all of the other issues I had I just assumed were a result of me being a "bad" person. Finding out I have borderline was a mixed bag of emotions...

      It was great to finally have answers. I could finally pinpoint behavioral and emotional issues and where they come from, and I could even make sense of issues in my past. I have answers now that I never had before. But on the same coin, I now have lots of new questions... Where do I go now? Now that I know the source, what can I do to fix it, to cope, or at least regulate my borderline episodes?

     Needless to say, this discovery of borderline has been a big source of stress...

     About a week after finding out that I have borderline, through talking to my friends and family about things I thought were just normal, I was recommended to go to a cardiologist. See, I was born with a pectus excavatum which is a condition where the ribs and sternum sink in, making a crater-like dent in the middle of the chest. Since I've only ever lived in my body, I thought it was totally normal to occasionally get piercing chest pains, shortness of breath, dizziness, and vomiting while working out or even in other less intense situations. I thought that at least it was because I wasn't in the best of shape (and that may be part of it). But I found out more recently that maybe that's not so normal... at least, not for other people. So, with concern from family and friends, and doing my own research, I decided it best to meet with a cardiologist.

     Upon going in, the cardiologist (well technically he's a cardiothoracic surgeon) said my pectus definitely looked deep enough to cause functional limitations, and ordered some tests to be done to measure how much of an effect it is having to confirm whether or not I should get/need to get surgery. The first test was an EKG, and the results of said test were that I have a "normal irregular" heartbeat (literally, that's what they told me), and also, my heart is not in the normal location within the chest. Instead, my heart is to the left, and close to the surface. The other two tests I did, which included a breath test and ultrasound on my heart both came back pretty normal, at least according to the technicians, and I still have a few more tests to do. So, I don't have an answer yet, but that's been happening.

     So yes, this was most definitely stressful. Especially considering that in the beginning, my main concern was that my aorta could potentially be dilated, and therefore at risk for bursting, but the tests so far have at least somewhat eased that fear. But, if you add on top of this the fact that about a week earlier I learned that I have borderline, then, yeah.... April was.... stressful....

     So almost all of April I was stressing about my borderline and my pectus excavatum and the potential health problems it may be causing, plus on top of that the normal stress of work, school, callings, etc.

     To top it all off, just a few days ago, my car broke down. Now, car breakdowns are traumatic and stressful experiences for me (as I'm sure they are for many people), especially because I work 40 minutes from home. So late on Thursday night I call my insurance company to tow my car to the repair shop, and call my dad to pick me up. On top of everything I've been stressing about, I now have car issues to worry about that could be expensive, and if it took a long time to fix, would also make it difficult to get to work.

     Well, Friday afternoon I get a call from the repair shop. They told me they found the problem, and it was just a little wire that connected to the ignition, and that was why the car died. The repair shop very generously fixed the small wire without cost, and once my father got home from work, he took me to pick up my car.

     Driving home, I had an interesting thought. What if all of the things I'm dealing with in this life are just little broken wires? What if my experiences seem so traumatic at the time, but once the problem is fixed, I can look back with a smile, a laugh, and a sigh of relief and realize it was something so small compared to the grand scheme of things? What's funny is I realized this is my "normal". Borderline personality disorder may seem alien to other people, in fact, most people don't even know what it is. I didn't know what it was until a month ago, yet I've been living it for years. But you know what? It's my "normal". My pectus excavatum and the issues that come with it are my "normal". I am my "normal". Now, that's not to say I don't need to change or fix things in my life, but that is to say that I can laugh, smile, and see the humor in being me as I seek to become a better person.

     Knowing my issues, my struggles, my quirks, helps me to figure out who I am, and who I can become. It's not an accident that I'm same-sex attracted, or that I'm an addict, or borderline, or deal with health issues relating to a pectus. No, it's no coincidence or accident. God knew that I needed all of these things to grow. And rather than wallow in fear and pain, I can look up to Heaven and smile while my heart beats to its "normal irregular" heartbeat. Life is so amazing. Of course, being borderline, I mean that now, but in a few minutes I might hate life. But that doesn't make my first statement untrue, because eventually I'll laugh again and realize life it amazing.

     This experience also taught me that Christ is the ultimate healer and mechanic. He has already paid the ultimate price, and all He asks is that I come with a broken heart and contrite spirit, and willingly accept His assistance. He can fix my broken wires, and He can make me whole. Of course, because Christ knows what is best for me, He may not fix everything right away. In fact, some things I may have to wait a lifetime to repair, but in the end I know that Christ will fix me and make me whole. And one day, I will look back on my broken wires, and I will smile and laugh and cry with gratitude for the experiences I had that shaped me and helped me grow, and I will have my loving Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ to thank for all of it. For without them, there would be no broken, and there would be no fixed, and there would be no me. And, despite all of the broken parts, it really is amazing to be me.

     My testimony tonight is one of God's love for me. I know He loves me. I know He has given me these circumstances that I may grow and progress. I know that the gospel of Jesus Christ is the one true gospel, and that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is where I belong, and what I need to progress to be with my Father in Heaven again. Struggles come, but it's okay. It's just me, and I want to live my "normal irregular" life to the fullest, and become the best 'me' that I can be.

Everything

     This is my post about everything.... or nothing.... or something.... or a thing.... or... yeah...

     Awkward intro sentence? Okay. Here we go.

     What's going on in my life? Well, life of course.... I don't know, is it just every day stuff? Or is there more? Is it abnormal? Probably. Whatever.

     Alright, so here's the deal. Life is amazing. Really it is. Sometimes I want to scream it from the rooftops. Life is hard. Really it is. Sometimes I want to fall on my face and give up. Life is painful. Really it is. Sometimes I want to curl up in a dark corner and cry. Life is a journey. Really it is. New choices are present every day, and the question is, which will I choose?

      Mitchell, how many more "Life is..." sentences are you going to write? Okay, okay fine. I'll stop.

     I guess I really don't know where I'm going with my life. I mean, I have a job that I mostly love, sometimes don't, and usually feel fulfilled with. I'm going to college, and that's what I feel like I should be doing, but I have no idea what to study or what field to get a degree in. I enjoy going to Church, but feel inadequate to fulfill my responsibilities because I missed my home teaching this month and have been slacking on my calling and other responsibilities. I enjoy spending time with my family, but feel like I'm not a good son/brother because I just don't know how to be my true self around them... I love my best friend, and enjoy spending time with him, but I have issues with anger, depression, jealousy, etc. that can make it taxing for both him and myself.

     I just haven't felt "happy" for quite some time now. I mean, I get a little taste of it every now and then. Sometimes I feel happy momentarily when I'm with my family or friends, I usually feel happy (or at least spiritual) at Church, sometimes I feel happy at school, and sometimes I just get little sparks of happiness throughout the day. Overall  though, I feel like I'm just not happy. What's weird is that I'm not completely depressed either. Well, at least not like I used to be. I'm sort of just in this awkward middle place where things aren't happy or sad. They just are.

     What's frustrating is that I know I've been on both sides. I've been consistently happy for quite some time in my life more than once. Conversely I've also been consistently sad/depressed for some time as well. But for the past few months it has been neither. So why the in-between? I've been trying to figure it out, but I'm just not sure.

     I guess part of it, and something that I thought of this week, may be the fact that I haven't visited the temple for some time. I know in the past when I attended, the following week and month would be so much better. Things seemed happier and I usually had a better and deeper perspective. Another, and perhaps more obvious piece of the puzzle has been that I haven't been praying or reading scripture nearly as often as I should.

    I miss my dog. I know that's random, especially to suddenly interrupt the blog post with a seemingly unrelated sentence, but I really do. I don't know why, but I just thought of it. That's not why I'm unhappy, but I realize that she was a really big help for me emotionally. She loved me no matter what I did (okay, it was love/hate... but to me, that was love). I was able to hold her, pet her, sit close to her, play with her, spend time with her, etc. She was a comfort, and an ever-present friend. Sometimes I really miss holding her, hearing her growl, kissing her, petting her, watching her go crazy after getting a bath... My baby was an amazing friend who I can't wait to see again.

     I love helping people, but I hate it at the same time. Does that make sense? Probably not... K. Let me try to explain. One of the things in my life that makes me the happiest is helping people, or at least giving service (even if super small).

     One of the highlights of my week was Thursday during school. I'm in an English class right now, and the assignment for the next few weeks is writing an "I Believe..." essay. The essay is supposed to focus around one core belief we have, and talk about why we believe it, what experiences we have had that led to this belief, and where we are now and where we think we will be relating to this belief. Considering that I can usually only write well about things I feel passionately about, I chose to make my essay about my testimony, and remaining faithful in the Church while dealing with trials that some consider make me incompatible to live a gospel-centered life. Basically, my essay consists of a very condensed version of "My Story", with some sentences and topics put in there to make it match the "I Believe" format.

     Anyway, this week in class, we brought our essays to have them peer reviewed and edited. Keep in mind that my essay is basically my life's story, so it included stuff about my addictions, depression, and yes, homosexuality. The first two people who edited my essay expressed empathy and sympathy, and gave me good feedback on how to improve my essay. I can appreciate empathy but sympathy is usually awkward for me... I want people to recognize the accomplishments I've made, and encourage me to continue to live a faithful life to what I believe and know to be true, rather than express how sorry they are for what I deal with... I know people probably have good intentions when they do it, but please don't say you're sorry that I deal with same-sex attraction. It's a fact of my life. I've moved on. And it's not something that I suffer because of. What I can't stand, though, is when people are "sympathetic" that I'm LDS and deal with same-sex attraction... please never apologize to me about my religion. I love my religion, and I have no regrets about the religious path I have chosen to follow.

     I keep getting off topic... two paragraphs ago I said I would tell you about the highlight of my week... Well, the third girl who edited my essay was very kind about it. She gave me good feedback, said she really appreciated the essay, and then I gave her feedback on hers. Time was up, and we went back to our seats to hear the last of the lesson. When I went back to my seat and looked over the edits she had put on my essay, I noticed that she had basically written me a letter on the back. In the letter, she told me she has been struggling recently. She mentioned she has been fairly inactive in the Church, and is just getting back in to activity. She said she could relate to many of the things in my essay (though I don't know what things specifically). And lastly, she shared that she had been praying to know whether the Church was true, and if she was doing the right thing, and said she felt my essay was part of her answer. Reading that gave me one of those moments of happiness.

     My essay wasn't amazing or ground-shattering. It was just my story, a list of life experiences, and tying it all in to what I believe and why I believe it. I wasn't expecting it to change anyone's life, and in fact I was sort of nervous to have people read it (which is strange, considering I'm out to anyone who decided to open my blog). The fact that it helped her made me really happy. It made me feel like I can make a difference in the world...

     Well, it's late. I should go to sleep... I don't know all the answers yet. Like I said earlier, life is a journey. Hopefully I'll find the answer someday. Happiness is out there, I just need to find how to best attain it in my own life. I love my Heavenly Father. I'm so thankful for every blessing I've been given. I hope I'll be able to let God in to my life so that I can continue to move forward in life, in the gospel, and in improving myself.

     I love you all. God bless.

Let It Snow

     What does Christmas (and the holiday season) mean to me? I've had the question on my mind a lot today, and I've been thinking about my own personal answer.
     One of the first things I decided to do was dissect what it has meant to me over the years. When I was really young, Christmas meant presents. That's what I always thought of. When I grew a little bit older, it started to mean presents and family. Then it changed to presents, family, traditions, etc. It kept evolving but it has only really been the past few years that my list has started to really include Christ. Christmas and the holidays, while presents and family still come to mind, also make me think of my Savior, or worship, or peace and love, of the plan and mission of God and Christ.
     I think one of the best ways for me to explain this change is to talk about snow. Yes, I'm totally serious. Snow. I love the snow. I've heard many people talk about the different things that show them that God loves them. Sometimes it's a sunny day, sometimes it's a warm feeling inside, sometimes it's a rainy day, etc. I've definitely felt God's love from such situations, but for me, I know God loves me when it snows.
     As I've mentioned before in my blog, I deal with depression. My depression can pop up throughout the entire year, but is most prevalent in the winter months. So I guess you could call it seasonal depression.
     The reason snow means so much to me is because when I was in some of my darkest moments, when I felt the most alone, because it happened so often in the winter, I would just sit and watch the snow fall. It was comforting. Snow is quiet, but alive. Watching it fall so quietly, so softly, so gentle made me think of God and Christ. While I often felt so alone in my depression, watching the snow made me feel that Christ was there with me. I wasn't alone. And God was using the snow to show me that even in the hard times, when the world was cold and life was bitter, there was a quiet beauty in the world, and you just had to learn to sit back and find the beauty in the storm.
     Snow, unlike rain, doesn't just wash away. Snow blankets the earth, protecting it under its layers. Blankets have long been a source of security for me. Even as an adult, while I don't carry a blanket around with me, when I go to bed at night, or am watching a movie, having a blanket over me helps me feel safe and calm. Watching the snow fall also gives me a sense of safety and calmness.
     I love the whiteness of snow. It's so beautiful and makes the world so bright. Even at night, the light from the moon is reflected off of the snow lighting up the world, and the brightness is even more-so during the day when the sun shines.  It also makes everything look so clean and pure.
     One thing that happened last year during the winter is that ice would cover my car each night, so in the morning, I'd have to scrape my car before leaving. Usually it's a pain, but last year I noticed that the ice made beautiful patterns on my car. All you had to do was look closely. I took some pictures of some of the really pretty designs:

 

     I love the snow and I love the holidays. I've definitely been feeling the effects of depression the past few weeks. My depression isn't the same as it was in the past, but it's still emotionally difficult to endure. The forecast for tomorrow calls for snow, though, so I know I'll have peace and comfort being able to watch it silently fall.
     Happy holidays everyone! And whether you like the snow or not, celebrate the life of Christ this season, and remember you're never alone and God always loves you.
    

Supreme Court Legalizes Gay Marriage Nationwide

     The Supreme Court of the United States of America decided today in the case of Obergefell v. Hodges that same-sex marriage is to be legalized in all 50 states, effective immediately.

     Well, it happened. Same-sex marriage is now legal nationwide.

     This decision was one of the first things I saw when I woke up this morning. The one thing I have opposed more than almost anything else in my life has now been legalized.

     One might think this would be crushing news to me. To be honest, I wasn't surprised. I mean, this isn't the first moral failing of United States law. Look at the legalization of abortion, for example.

     Does that mean I'm not upset? Certainly not. I'm definitely upset.

     Today's decision was shaking, but not (personally) in strictly a bad way. Of course, the decision itself is bad. There was nothing good at all about the court's decision. But the decision I read this morning only grounded me more powerfully in the gospel. I realized today that I am definitely on the side I want to be on. On God's side. I realized that, while I'm just one human being, I have power. I have a position that very few people have on this issue. I am gay (as far as attraction is concerned), yet still live a religious life, avoiding any inappropriate, sexual, or romantic relationships with the same-sex. I realize that same-sex attraction is not a choice, but acting inappropriately on those attractions is definitely a choice.

     And you know what? Regardless of how small I may be as a single person, I am on God's side, and I can make decisions in my life that will have an impact, whether seen or not. This fourth of July, rather than wear a shirt with the American Flag on it, I'll wear my Voice(s) of Hope shirt (which is something, unlike my country, that I support wholeheartedly). Thanks to Google's hashtag that appeared on their homepage supporting the court's decision, I am now using a different search engine and boycotting Google. I will also be more conscious of companies I give my business to, and will do my best wherever possible to give my business only to companies with good morals, preferably those who support traditional marriage.

     On a little bit different note, I wanted to bring up some concerns I had about the court's decision that go beyond just morals.

     During my last semester of college, my most educating class (or at least the one I learned the most in), was my United States government class. We talked specifically about the different roles of the three branches. The Supreme Court (Judicial branch) definitely stepped out of bounds with their decision today.

     The job of the Supreme Court is to enforce existing laws (created by the Legislative branch), and to alter existing laws where those laws conflict with the Constitution. Never has it been the Supreme Court's responsibility to enact laws, especially when these laws have nothing to do with the Constitution, or override the jurisdiction of another branch of government.

     The responsibility to create and pass laws belongs to the federal and state Legislative branch. Yet today, the Supreme Court decided to overrule both the federal and state legislatures, and create a law on their own.

     Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts cautioned Americans to "not celebrate the Constitution." because "It had nothing to do with it." The Chief Justice, the head of the 9 Supreme Court justices, stated the ruling had nothing to do with the Constitution, which is supposed to be involved in every ruling of the Supreme Court.

     Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia stated (in reference to the decision) "It is not of special importance to me what the law says about marriage. It is of overwhelming importance, however, who it is that rules me. Today's decree says that my Ruler, and the Ruler of 320 million Americans coast-to-coast, is a majority of nine lawyers on the Supreme Court."

     The Supreme Court was designed to be the final say, and has always been the most powerful branch of government (in that sense), but today they showed that they have decided to be our new rulers. Their decision today directly undermined the legislative branch's responsibility.

     It is sad that the Democratic Republic that once defined America has died. We are now ruled by 9 individuals who are not even elected by the people. Instead, justices are appointed by the president, and then approved by the Senate. Justices never go before the public for a vote before being appointed.

     It is unfortunate that the Supreme Court has overstepped their bounds and claimed power over and above all branches of the government.

     Despite all of the bad news, my name is still Mitchell Clark, I am still a son of God, I still have a voice and will still use it, and I still have the power to make a difference. I will, with God's blessing and support, fight the good fight till the end of my earthly days and beyond. I believe in God, I believe in the Bible, I believe in the Book of Mormon, I believe in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and I believe that marriage, as ordained by God, is between a man and a woman, and that same-sex marriage as defined by God is sinful and wrong. And, so long as I am living my life correctly and in accordance with God's law, I will keep those beliefs and testimony until the day I die, and beyond.

     I follow what the LDS Church said about this decision; "The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints acknowledges that following today's ruling by the Supreme Court, same-sex marriages are now legal in the United States. The court's decision does not alter the Lord's doctrine that marriage is a union between a man and a woman ordained by God. While showing respect for those who think differently, the church will continue to teach and promote marriage between a man and a woman as a central part of our doctrine and practice."

     The laws of men cannot and will not define the laws of God.