War

I'm at war within myself. Which side will win? Good or evil, does it matter? I know what I believe, I know what I know, but a side of me doesn't want to let it show. Part of me wants something else, something different. A contradiction, a front, a lie.

Which do I feed and which do I starve? The wolves at war within me, growing strong when I feed them, growing weak when I starve them. Which will I feed today? Good or bad, right or wrong, happiness versus misery, truth against lies. But this is me, not desire, not selfishness.

I am a son of God, that is me. I am Mitchell Clark. I am a warrior, a fighter. I have scars to prove it. I've felt pain, experienced heart break, felt hopeless and beyond saving. I've cried myself to sleep, wished I could die, thought of taking my life, hurt myself, but still I survive. I am a warrior, a fighter.

A voice inside me tells me to give in, to give up. Do I let it win me? Do I give up all I've worked for to please this feeling? Or do I hold my head up, realize all I have, and continue to fight as a warrior and son of God? The answer seems obvious, I know what I should be doing and what would bring me happiness, yet still the war rages on.

Fighting, I triumph, tire and rest, I fall. Feeding the enemy I slip, feeding my spirit I rise. This war is my fight, my choice. I could give up and surrender, for that would bring peace, would it not? Or would it bring further pain and misery simply disguised as peace? This fight, this war, it's mine. I accepted it when I chose God's plan. I'm elect and chosen of God, as we all are. I am an heir to God's powers and glory. I could choose lust, flesh, and temporary happiness and give it all away, or I can be true to what I know and believe.

This is my war. I am a warrior, a fighter.

I am a son of God.

 

 

-Mitchell Linford Clark

Grace

     Today while I was out mowing my Grandma's lawn, I was listening to my music, and a song came on which I've heard multiple times before, but for some reason it hit me hard today. The song is You Never Are by Francesca Battistelli.

 

You Never Are

 

Lost your way and you don't know how it happened
So much time you wasted chasing satisfaction
Seems like there's no where else to go
Please, I wish that you would come home

 

Oh, don't be so afraid, you think that you're too far
But you never are, you never are, you never are, are, are
So scared that you're too late, too hidden in the dark
But you never are, you never are, you never are, are, are

 

Grace is underestimated
All you ever really have to do is take it
God is bigger than the times we fail
So why can we not forgive ourselves?

 

Oh, don't be so afraid, you think that you're too far
But you never are, you never are, you never are, are, are
So scared that you're too late, too hidden in the dark
But you never are, you never are, but you never are

 

You will never be perfect, oh
But you're still worth it
You've gotta just believe

 

Oh, don't be so afraid, you think that you're too far
But you never are, you never are

Oh, don't be so afraid, you think that you're too far
But you never are, you never are, oh

 So scared that you're too late, too hidden in the dark
 But you never, you never, you never are, you never are

You never are, you never are, are, are
You never are, you never are, you never are, are, are

 

     And my writing talent has exhausted itself for today, so rather than try to dissect it and its meaning, I'll just leave it at that and I added highlights and bolding to parts that I think mean a lot and are cool.

     Anyways, love you all! May God bless you continually and may we come to realize that we are never too far for forgiveness through the grace of Christ.

 

    



"I Can't Do This (Sam)"

     It is at times like this when I feel the most vulnerable, when I feel utterly lost and worthless. When I feel that I fail at being a friend, that I can't do anything right, that I can't make a difference in the world. This is when I have to realize no matter how tempting it is to return to my past behaviors that gave me comfort, relief, even temporary "happiness" that it would only take what I already have and throw it back down again. I have to realize that no matter how much I hate myself right now, that I can't self-sabotage. No matter how alone, hurt, and/or betrayed I feel, that I can't isolate. I can't resort to self-harm, suicidal thoughts, indulging in my addictions, or any other destructive behaviors.
     To be honest, my family relationships are struggling, and I recognize that it is mainly my fault. My spirituality has been very poor recently. I haven't been getting down on my knees and praying at night, and it definitely hasn't been happening in the mornings. I haven't been reading my scriptures practically at all the past little while. I feel so blessed to have the wonderful friends I have now, and I do recognize it as such a big blessing, but I've been doubting myself and my ability to be a good and successful friend and to reciprocate in a relationship. All of these factors added together have led me to be struggling with myself emotionally, socially, and especially spiritually.
     Thinking about all of this today, I had a conversation pop into my head that happens between Frodo and Sam in The Two Towers by J.R.R. Tolkein. The first part of the conversation has actually come to my mind many times before when my life truly seems to become completely overwhelming and hopeless. Frodo despairingly turns to Sam and says "I can't do this, Sam." This is a feeling I know all to well. Turning to God, to myself, to a friend, and saying "I can't do this." and truly believing it. Feeling hopeless, feeling stuck and at a complete stop in life not believing there is anywhere else to go and that the struggles of life have become too much to bear.
     To Frodo, Sam then replies "I know." A surprising reply, to be validated that perhaps you truly cannot do it... at least, not alone. I truly believe that every person on this earth has struggles and trials that we truly cannot overcome on our own. We have to rely on others to support us and help us through, and more importantly, we have to rely on God and Christ, and the infinite power of Christ's atonement.
     The entirety of the conversation between Frodo and Sam is as follows;
“Frodo: I can't do this, Sam.
Sam: I know. It's all wrong. By rights we shouldn't even be here. But we are. It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something.
Frodo: What are we holding onto, Sam?
Sam: That there's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo... and it's worth fighting for.”
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Two Towers
      This was what reminded me today that yes, you know what? I can't do this on my own. I've been pushing God out of my life recently, I haven't been praying or reading my scriptures, I've been struggling with relationships, I haven't been doing my best because I need to rely on God.
      I need to drop my stubborn pride, my fears, and whatever else, and turn myself back to God if I wish to overcome this and get myself back to a better place. It won't be easy, it'll be hard, but I need to realize that I can't do this on my own. I need support in my life, especially from God, and in order to receive that, I need to open myself to Him and be willing to trust him and turn to him.
      Sometimes I don't want to know the end, because looking in the present, how could the end of, or the future, of my life be happy? How could my life go back to how it was when so much bad has happened? I have the chance to turn around, to give up, to resort to old behaviors, but I also have the chance to say "No, I'm not going to let this drag me down. I will get back up, I will turn myself back to God, and I will fight this fight because there is still good in my life. There is still good in the world, and it's worth fighting for."
     So this is my commitment to my readers, but more importantly to myself and God. I will turn back to God, no matter how hard it may be, I will keep walking forward. My life is worth fighting for, and so I will fight for it. There is good in me, even if I can't currently see it, and I need to find that good and believe in myself.
     I love you all so much, even you people who read my blog that I do not know at all or who have never left a comment or contacted me. Just the simple fact that you have spent time to read my blog, my journey, brings me the feeling of love, support, and the ability to influence others for good. May God bless us all continually, and may we ever learn to turn to Him, even when it is hard, even when we are struggling. God be with you til' we meet again