Thursday, January 2, 2014

Frozen Skin, Melted Heart

     This New Years Eve I was having a hard time emotionally. I was feeling disconnected socially, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. I guess you could say I was depressed. My depression now, when it hits, is so much less than it used to be, and for that I'm thankful. Anyway, back on subject. I was at a family/friend party when it all started to hit me. I just wanted to leave, yet here I was with 4 hours left until midnight, and 4 hours until I could go home. Lucky for me, my dad wasn't feeling well and decided to leave early. I went home with him.
     When I got home I decided I was going to go on a walk. It was dark, it was cold (winter in Utah; snow, ice, cold....), and I wanted to "run away", so to speak, from my troubles and just have alone time to think. On my way out of the house, I called my best friend for help. Before I was even out of my neighborhood, he told me to get down on my knees and pray. I tried explaining the situation to him, that I was in the middle of my neighborhood and would feel really awkward kneeling down and praying in the middle of the sidewalk in front of all these houses. He said he didn't care, he wanted me to kneel down and pray anyway. I reluctantly agreed, knowing deep inside it was what I needed to do.
     As I said goodbye to my friend before I knelt to pray, he told me he loved me and would pray for me too. By this time I had made it to the Sky-walk (what I call those bridges people walk on to cross busy streets above the cars.) I wasn't out of my neighborhood yet, and was still in view of quite a few houses, so slightly embarrassed and self-conscious, I knelt to pray. Kneeling on the cold hard cement, where I was vulnerable, visible, and desperate, I started to be humbled. I prayed to God, asked for help, thanked Him for all the blessings He had given me, and prayed for those I loved. As I stood up from that cold cement, I felt a weight lifted. It felt like the hurt and poison that was my negative emotions was slowly being removed from me.
     I decided then that rather than go through with my original plan of walking/running far away hoping to get lost or hurt, I would instead run up, down, and across the skywalk. All the activity got me warm enough that I took off my jacket. I felt a desire now that I hadn't felt in some time. I wanted to pray, I wanted to talk to God, I wanted to hear Him, and have Him hear me. I knelt to pray multiple times on that Sky-walk. I was becoming more and more joyful. I started dancing and singing, in full view of the cars passing below and anyone in or around their houses in view of me, but I didn't care anymore. I didn't care if anyone saw me praying.
     I kept running, dancing, singing, praying, until my lungs hurt from the cold. I felt elated, I felt so free, I'm sure I looked ridiculous to anyone who saw me, but I didn't and still don't care because I was close to God, and I've been without that for some time now.
     It got me thinking though, even though I feel distant from God at times, how blessed I am that He loves me anyway and always wants me back. How blessed I am that my testimony runs deep enough that I don't question most aspects of it when I'm struggling. One thing that perpetrated my mind a lot in the past was the question "would me marrying a man really be that bad?" and now, it doesn't even phase me. Maybe I'm just jinxing myself, but I feel like I've had that question answered plainly. I know it's not what God wants for me, or any of His children, and so I don't support gay marriage. Even in my times of questioning, that subject isn't an issue for me anymore.
     Even when I don't feel God's love, or at least don't allow myself to, I still know logically that He loves me. I've felt so blessed to have that knowledge and testimony. I feel so blessed to have taken what was once just belief, or just trusting in the testimony of others', and now to have it as my own real testimony.
     The thing is that the legalization of gay marriage in Utah didn't affect my decision to avoid sexual or romantic homosexual relationships. All it did for me was make me sad, sad for the people who will fall now because of the influence and choices of others. Sad for the world, and the US which is failing and falling into darkness. This once great nation is being destroyed from the inside out. We are becoming evil and corrupt, and trust me, there's already a ton of that anyway. It saddens me, but doesn't affect my desire and conviction to serve God, and for this I am thankful.
     It was with Frozen Skin, but a Melted Heart that I found God again, and for that I am thankful. May this New Year be prosperous for all, and may God bless and touch lives that they may turn to Him and follow Him in truth and righteousness.



Posted via Blogaway


Posted via Blogaway

10 comments:

  1. Mitch I am so proud of you being so faithful and so connected with your feelings. You are trying your hardest and that's very important! I know our Heavenly Father is so proud of you and all you have become! We all have struggles and I enjoyed reading this because it makes me feel even better that im not the only one having problems no matter how different they are from yours! Your an awesome person doing awesome things and you are very loved by the Lord, friends, and family. Stay emotionally connected and you will be just fine! Thank you again, love you!!!! Love Shelly Christensen :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks so much Shelly! I love you too! You did so much for me, especially when we had seminary together. You introduced me to K-Love, and now it's my favorite radio station! You are a beautiful, strong, and amazing daughter of God. Thanks so much for your impact in my life and your friendship and love. May the Lord bless you and be with you always! Love Mitchell Clark

      Delete
  2. Love you Sweetie. Stay Close to Heavenly Father no matter what the struggle is.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Cricket! I will, love you too

      Delete
  3. God bless...life certainly isn't a bed of roses...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This is true, and if it is, the roses still have thorns. Funny how something could be looked at as so beautiful and inspiring, and yet also be viewed and dangerous and vile. Life is sometimes like a rose, sometimes all we see are the thorns, the pain, danger, and sadness, but if we just look higher, we'll see the velvet petals, the beauty, grace, and magnificence

      Delete
  4. Mitchell - (Mrs. I Define Me here). What a wonderful experience and how grateful I am that you shared it. I love the honesty here and especially the fact that you did what your friend asked you to do, even though you had some reservations about praying in the open. I know that it can be so very hard to do a simple thing like kneel upon the ground - and JUST PRAY. Why should it be so hard, since we have all probably had great experiences through prayer at one time or another, or possibly time and time again? I'm certain it is because the adversary is real, with great power, and that is the LAST thing he wants for us to do..... why? - because he knows that that is the BEST thing we can do. Way to go Mitchell ~~~~ you sure showed him :) and look where it took you. What a wonderful story.

    PS - I'm the tall blonde 'older' woman that couldn't resist hugging you at the conference a few weeks ago. I felt your sweet spirit and want you to know that Mr. IDM and I were so thrilled to see you there. You are amazing! Keep on praying :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much Mrs. IDM! While I'm still racking my brain trying to remember all the people who hugged me that day, and I think I might recall, I truly feel thankful for all you and your family have done for me, even if I don't know your names. That hug meant a lot to me, and your words both there and here meant and do mean so much! Praying has indeed been a struggle for me. It seems funny, because it should be easy. Kneeling and talking, what's so hard about that? Yet it's like fighting a great and powerful enemy sometimes for me just to even start. Satan definitely is a real being with real power, but God will always have more.

      Thanks so much again for everything you and your family have done for me, directly and otherwise. God bless you all this New Year!

      Delete
  5. What a sweet entry Mitch. I'm sorry you were struggling, but I am so thankful you put your trust in Heavenly Father and turned to him in prayer. This story blessed my life today. Thanks for sharing it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Charlotte! Hearing that I can bless other people's lives, even when I don't feel every post I write is significant, keeps me going. It's such a testimony to me that God is aware of all His children when I see people touched by His work, and I feel honored when I can be a servant in His work. God bless you always Charlotte! Thank you so much

      Delete