This New Years Eve I was having a hard time emotionally. I was feeling disconnected socially, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. I guess you could say I was depressed. My depression now, when it hits, is so much less than it used to be, and for that I'm thankful. Anyway, back on subject. I was at a family/friend party when it all started to hit me. I just wanted to leave, yet here I was with 4 hours left until midnight, and 4 hours until I could go home. Lucky for me, my dad wasn't feeling well and decided to leave early. I went home with him.
When I got home I decided I was going to go on a walk. It was dark, it was cold (winter in Utah; snow, ice, cold....), and I wanted to "run away", so to speak, from my troubles and just have alone time to think. On my way out of the house, I called my best friend for help. Before I was even out of my neighborhood, he told me to get down on my knees and pray. I tried explaining the situation to him, that I was in the middle of my neighborhood and would feel really awkward kneeling down and praying in the middle of the sidewalk in front of all these houses. He said he didn't care, he wanted me to kneel down and pray anyway. I reluctantly agreed, knowing deep inside it was what I needed to do.
As I said goodbye to my friend before I knelt to pray, he told me he loved me and would pray for me too. By this time I had made it to the Sky-walk (what I call those bridges people walk on to cross busy streets above the cars.) I wasn't out of my neighborhood yet, and was still in view of quite a few houses, so slightly embarrassed and self-conscious, I knelt to pray. Kneeling on the cold hard cement, where I was vulnerable, visible, and desperate, I started to be humbled. I prayed to God, asked for help, thanked Him for all the blessings He had given me, and prayed for those I loved. As I stood up from that cold cement, I felt a weight lifted. It felt like the hurt and poison that was my negative emotions was slowly being removed from me.
I decided then that rather than go through with my original plan of walking/running far away hoping to get lost or hurt, I would instead run up, down, and across the skywalk. All the activity got me warm enough that I took off my jacket. I felt a desire now that I hadn't felt in some time. I wanted to pray, I wanted to talk to God, I wanted to hear Him, and have Him hear me. I knelt to pray multiple times on that Sky-walk. I was becoming more and more joyful. I started dancing and singing, in full view of the cars passing below and anyone in or around their houses in view of me, but I didn't care anymore. I didn't care if anyone saw me praying.
I kept running, dancing, singing, praying, until my lungs hurt from the cold. I felt elated, I felt so free, I'm sure I looked ridiculous to anyone who saw me, but I didn't and still don't care because I was close to God, and I've been without that for some time now.
It got me thinking though, even though I feel distant from God at times, how blessed I am that He loves me anyway and always wants me back. How blessed I am that my testimony runs deep enough that I don't question most aspects of it when I'm struggling. One thing that perpetrated my mind a lot in the past was the question "would me marrying a man really be that bad?" and now, it doesn't even phase me. Maybe I'm just jinxing myself, but I feel like I've had that question answered plainly. I know it's not what God wants for me, or any of His children, and so I don't support gay marriage. Even in my times of questioning, that subject isn't an issue for me anymore.
Even when I don't feel God's love, or at least don't allow myself to, I still know logically that He loves me. I've felt so blessed to have that knowledge and testimony. I feel so blessed to have taken what was once just belief, or just trusting in the testimony of others', and now to have it as my own real testimony.
The thing is that the legalization of gay marriage in Utah didn't affect my decision to avoid sexual or romantic homosexual relationships. All it did for me was make me sad, sad for the people who will fall now because of the influence and choices of others. Sad for the world, and the US which is failing and falling into darkness. This once great nation is being destroyed from the inside out. We are becoming evil and corrupt, and trust me, there's already a ton of that anyway. It saddens me, but doesn't affect my desire and conviction to serve God, and for this I am thankful.
It was with Frozen Skin, but a Melted Heart that I found God again, and for that I am thankful. May this New Year be prosperous for all, and may God bless and touch lives that they may turn to Him and follow Him in truth and righteousness.
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