I'm LDS and same-sex attracted (gay) and I live my life following the standards put in place by Jesus Christ. This is my blog about my life and journey.
Music has the power to do so much good, or so much bad, and I have seen that manifested many many times in my personal life.
Recently in my life I have felt very overwhelmed physically (work, school, etc.), emotionally (anxiety, depression, etc.), and spiritually (callings and responsibilities at Church, personal study and prayer, etc.). In all honesty, my testimony has been pretty weak for the past few months, not in regards to any particular subject, and I don't really have doubts, but just in the sense that I haven't been nurturing my testimony as much as I should. I haven't been saying my prayers, I haven't been reading the scriptures, etc. and so my testimony has weakened a bit, but now I'm working on getting it strong again.
I attended one semester at UVU, but it wasn't working with my work schedule, so I left after the first semester and started looking at other options. I was thinking of online, and had basically decided on an online college when my best friend's mom mentioned something called Pathway through BYU-Idaho that is mostly online, and has weekly gatherings locally. I looked it up, and felt it was definitely the right option, and signed up even though it was 2 days past the deadline, but I got in! While it's only my second week attending gatherings and institute, I honestly feel like it is the right place for me, and the spiritual environment is so important for me right now. The fact that we talk about God and the Church and its doctrines so openly, and apply it to what we're learning is fantastic, as it has helped me stay on track with my faith.
Now, on to the main subject (or what I planned to be the main subject...) of this post. Tonight, after attending gathering through Pathway, I went out to my car feeling a sense of exhilaration and euphoria that only comes from having had a spiritual experience (at least in my life). I felt so good, and I just wanted to share it with everyone. The times I most often get this feeling is after very spiritual experiences or circumstances such as after watching a Church-made video, watching a touching conference talk, watching a great Voice(s) of Hope video, having a great institute class, etc. Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is I love feeling like that, and it's a feeling that makes me want to tell everyone how good I feel, and how good God is, and that Jesus is the Christ and Savior of the world, and that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and the Book of Mormon are absolutely true.
Already having really exhilarating emotions and feelings, I turned on my music while driving home from Pathway, and as I often do, turned my music up fairly loud and sang along. Sometimes when I sing in my car, it's a soft quiet singing, or even sometimes just humming. Sometimes it's more average volume/intensity singing. But when I'm really feeling the Spirit, really on that emotional and spiritual "high", I sing with enthusiasm, confidence, praise, etc. and really pour my heart into my singing, usually singing with so much gusto that my voice cracks, or I start coughing because I don't have water in my car to moisten my throat, or I start crying because I really get into it and it's a very spiritual song. But in those moments, it doesn't matter. I'm singing along to my Christian music, and feel closer to God than I have more recently.
Tonight, I just wanted to share with you all the 4 songs that touched me most on my drive home. The 4 songs that I sang most enthusiastically, the 4 songs that really made a difference, the 4 songs that helped me strengthen my love of God and His gospel tonight.
The first song that played when I got in my car was In Christ Alone by Owl City
(I do not own the rights to any of these songs, or the videos used to show them)
So why do I share all of this? Because I love Christian music. Because I love God. Because I love how I feel tonight. Because I want others to feel this way, too. Because I know how much good music can do, and I want to teach people to use music to bring them closer to God. Because if I didn't share, I would be totally selfish and ignoring the first big prompting I've received in months.
Life has been hard recently. My testimony has been week. But tonight, I got a glimpse of what life could be like, of what I would feel like, if I let God back into my life and I start nurturing my testimony again and living my life in such a way as to invite the Holy Spirit to be with me. Christian music is an amazing thing. Jesus Christ lives and atoned and died for all of us. The Church is true. And while my testimony may not be rock-solid right now, at least I know those two things are true.
It has been a while since I've posted on my blog, and in the time I've not posted a lot has happened. One of the things which has been tugging at my mind a lot since its occurrence has been the legalization of gay marriage in Utah (my home state) and many other states in the U.S. The 184th Semiannual General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints was held October 4th-5th of this year (2014), the Monday immediately after the conference, the US Supreme Court made a decision (or rather indecision) effectively allowing states to freely practice same-sex marriages despite opposing votes within the state.
The Monday morning after conference (October 6, 2014) I was listening to the local news radio (KSL) on my way to work when I heard about the legalization of gay marriage in Utah and other states. I was shocked, I was frustrated. I felt all feelings of love for my country dissipating. I didn't understand how God could let this happen.
Despite my frustration, I recalled a talk given at the conference the day before. The talk was Loving Others and Living with Differences by Elder Dallin H. Oaks. The talk explained clearly how we, as Latter-day Saints, are to act in regards to the moral issues facing the world today.
"Like the Savior, His followers are sometimes confronted by sinful behavior, and today when they hold out for right and wrong as they understand it, they are sometimes called “bigots” or “fanatics.” Many worldly values and practices pose such challenges to Latter-day Saints. Prominent among these today is the strong tide that is legalizing same-sex marriage in many states and provinces in the United States and Canada and many other countries in the world..." "In dedicated spaces, like temples, houses of worship, and our own homes, we should teach the truth and the commandments plainly and thoroughly as we understand them from the plan of salvation revealed in the restored gospel. Our right to do so is protected by constitutional guarantees of freedom of speech and religion, as well as by the privacy that is honored even in countries without formal constitutional guarantees..." "In public, what religious persons say and do involves other considerations. The free exercise of religion covers most public actions, but it is subject to qualifications necessary to accommodate the beliefs and practices of others. Laws can prohibit behavior that is generally recognized as wrong or unacceptable, like sexual exploitation, violence, or terrorist behavior, even when done by extremists in the name of religion. Less grievous behaviors, even though unacceptable to some believers, may simply need to be endured if legalized by what a Book of Mormon prophet called “the voice of the people” (Mosiah 29:26)..." "On the subject of public discourse, we should all follow the gospel teachings to love our neighbor and avoid contention. Followers of Christ should be examples of civility. We should love all people, be good listeners, and show concern for their sincere beliefs. Though we may disagree, we should not be disagreeable. Our stands and communications on controversial topics should not be contentious. We should be wise in explaining and pursuing our positions and in exercising our influence. In doing so, we ask that others not be offended by our sincere religious beliefs and the free exercise of our religion. We encourage all of us to practice the Savior’s Golden Rule: “Whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them” (Matthew 7:12)..." "When our positions do not prevail, we should accept unfavorable results graciously and practice civility with our adversaries. In any event, we should be persons of goodwill toward all, rejecting persecution of any kind, including persecution based on race, ethnicity, religious belief or nonbelief, and differences in sexual orientation..." "As difficult as it is to live in the turmoil surrounding us, our Savior’s command to love one another as He loves us is probably our greatest challenge. I pray that we may understand this and seek to live it in all of our relationships and activities, in the name of Jesus Christ, amen."
I realized that gay marriage being legalized is not the end of the world, and that the LDS Church will not fall apart or change its position just because the country's of the world may turn against God's teaching and legalize practices which God deemed sinful. I also realized that, even though I strongly disagree with same-sex marriage, the government is going to do what the voice of the people says, even if it is wrong, but that as a Church, we will continue to follow God's law regardless of laws erected by the government of the people.
When I got home Monday night, I knelt down a prayed. I prayed more openly than I ever had in the past. I told God everything, all my feelings of doubt, fear, anger, frustration, and I asked him for direction. I asked Him where I was supposed to go now, what I was supposed to fight for, and where my focus should be. I found peace in accepting that the government is going to make their decisions, and I have every right to make mine.
My new focus is not going to outright oppose the legality of gay marriage (as there is not much, if anything that can be done about that anymore), but instead focusing on keeping my religious freedom, and the religious freedom of the world. As a citizen of the U.S. it is my right, and duty, to defend my religious freedom, and the religious freedom of those around me. Since the legalization of gay marriage, religious rights have been under attack including threats of lawsuit against people refusing to perform marriage ceremonies for same-sex couples due to religious beliefs.
A song came to mind this week that I feel really applies to the current moral situation of society.
Remain: Royal Tailor
I know you’re feeling weighted down It’s all on your shoulders I know the dreams in your head Don’t look any closer
But I’m gonna make you stronger Hold on just a little bit longer ‘Cause I’ll be there When you feel like you’re going under I’m gonna be there for you Yeah yeah
The sky could fall The ground could shake The stars burn out And seasons change The time will pass And beauty fade But all my love will remain All my love will remain All my love will remain
When there’s a secret to tell It’s locked and I’ll keep it close And when you’re walking through fire I’ll take you to streets of gold
Yeah I’m gonna make you stronger Hold on just a little bit longer ‘Cause I’ll be there When you feel like you’re going under I’m gonna be there for you Yeah yeah
The sky could fall The ground could shake The stars burn out And seasons change The time will pass And beauty fade But all my love will remain All my love will remain All my love will remain
And when the world all around you feels out of place You can’t seem to find a familiar face I’m here to remind you my love remains And you know
The sky could fall The ground could shake The stars burn out And seasons change The time will pass And beauty fade But all my love will remain All my love will remain All my love will remain
No matter what may happen in the world, even if the sky falls, the ground shake, the stars burn out, and seasons change God will always exist, He will always love me and all His children, and He will never forsake His Church. I know that even though the world has views very different to God's law right now, that God's law will not change. Whatever consequences the future holds for myself and people like me, and for my religion, I will stay true to my beliefs. I will stand for what I know what is right, and my opinion and stance will not be shaken. I will love all people even if we have differing opinions, and I will stay close to my Father in Heaven.
I've had a lot going on this past week; quitting my job, hitting 3 weeks of complete sobriety, weaning myself of my medication, trying to find God, etc. Through it all I've been on an emotional rollercoaster, switching between highs and lows quickly and unpredictably. For the first time in the entire history of my blog, I got hate comments and even hate emails from people upset with my last post Gay Marriage. I can deal with hate emails and comments, I've been persecuted for my beliefs as well, but what hurt me most was to see people get so angry, and so hard-hearted over something I feel so strongly about and that I've had God confirm to me multiple times, and to see them turn against God because of a misunderstanding they've come to accept as truth.
Throughout all the highs and lows, stress, and challenges this week, I've also been able to learn a lot, and grow closer to God. One thing I realized this week was that there are multiple pieces to "me". One negative belief I've had about myself for some time is that I am malicious and cruel, and there is a part of me who fits that role. That part of me represents the young me who put up walls, and sought to hurt people before they could hurt me. He is like a defense mechanism who has existed in my subconscious for years, often unseen. He carries all the hurt, pain, lies, and betrayal I've felt and experienced throughout my life, and he has been the one who lashes out at others because he's scared to be hurt anymore.
It's like I'm just a big puzzle, and if anyone asked me who Mitchell Clark really is, I don't think I could answer them, because honestly he is so jumbled and broken, that I don't know who he is anymore. Is he a kind person, a loving person, a hateful person, malicious, cruel, caring? I don't know... to me, he is all of those, yet none of them at the same time. I am lost from myself, and I'm still trying to put the pieces back together to figure out who he is, who I am.
I was able to see this part of myself yesterday while I was spending time with my best friend. I remember telling him exactly how I felt, exactly who Mitchell is, and what he does, that he lashes out and stores every negative thing anyone has ever done to me or around me. I looked him in the eyes and said "Do you love him, do you love the real me? Does God love him too?" and with tears in his eyes my friend told me yes, and embraced me, and I started sobbing. Never had anyone told me they loved that part of me, and I didn't understand how anyone could. I have never liked that side of me, I've never understood him. How on earth could anyone ever love him? But there was no lie in the 'yes' my friend told me, and I had never felt my walls crumble like they did in that moment. All the masks, walls, facades, they all crumbled in that moment, and disappeared for a time, and that young, scared, hurt part of me was embraced and told he was loved, and all I could do was cry.
It got me thinking of what it means to truly be loved, to be loved for every single part of me. Even the broken, lost parts. And that God loves me for ever single part of me that has ever existed, and that prior to that moment, I had been blind to that.
On my way home I listened to a song I had downloaded on my phone a while ago, but had never really listened to. It was "Praise You In This Storm" by Casting Crowns, and the entire drive home from my friends house that night, I listened to the song on replay, singing a long, and crying the entire time, looking to Heaven, and wondering how God loves me like He does. I praised God that entire 40 minutes home, sobbing as I thought of what He had given me, sobbing as a little lost part of me started to come to the surface, and begin to be free. Throughout all the fear, pain, highs and lows, and craziness of life, particularly the past 2 weeks, God has still heard my voice, and still been watching out for me, always trying to tell me "Mitchell, I love you, all of you." And I can only hope in time, I will be able to hear His voice more clearly and regularly.
I love my God, I love the people He has put in my life, and I love all the blessings He has given me. Life will continue to be hard and trying, finding all the pieces of me that have been scattered and lost for years will be time-consuming, and hard, but I am willing to try, and I know I have people in my life who are willing to help me and love me very step of the way, and I am so thankful God gave me them, and gave me the chance to know of His love and gospel. Despite hardship, trials, lows, and pain, life is so amazing, and I can't wait until the day when I hear God's voice again more regularly and clearly.
Praise You In This Storm
Casting
Crowns (P.S. I watched this video, and not all of the lyrics are correct, but I wrote out the lyrics with what they should say underneath this video, so please refer to that for correct lyrics.)
I've been listening to a song recently that has really hit me hard, and given me a desire to get even closer to God than I ever have. The song is called "Finally Home" by MercyMe. Every time I listen to it, I get emotional. I don't mean I cry every time I listen to it, I just feel the spirit, I feel God telling me He loves me, and I feel myself becoming like a little child, just wanting my Heavenly Father to be proud of me, to welcome me home, to tell me He loves me and has been waiting for me.
I'm gonna wrap my arms around my daddy's neck
And tell him that I've missed
him
And tell him all about the man that I became
And hope that it pleased
him
There's so much I wanna say
So much I want you to know
When I
finally make it home
Then I'll gaze upon the throne of the King
Frozen in
my steps
And all the questions that I swore I would ask
Words just won't come yet
So amazed at what
I've seen
So much more than this old mind can hold
When I finally make
it home
When I finally make it home
And the sweetest sound these ears
have yet to hear
The voices of the angels
When I finally make it
home
When I finally make it home
I was just thinking as I listened to it how wonderful my life is, and how wonderful it is that through Christ, everyone gets a second chance, a third chance, a fourth chance, a fifth, and so on. It humbles me to think of the purpose of this life. We come here to earth to gain a body, to exercise our free agency and choose our eternal destiny, to learn and gain experience through the trials of this life, and to receive the opportunity to gain the attributes of God.
It makes me think about the times when I considered taking my life, and how much of a loss and tragedy it would have been had that happened. I know I wouldn't be proud of myself in the next life if I gave up the fight, and I wouldn't expect God to be either, and know that I would not be able to obtain Celestial Glory. I am thankful that God provides me with time on this earth to learn and grow.
It reminds me of what this life is really about. We don't come here to earth to gain worldly success, we come to learn the quality's that God has, and strive to become like Him while still keeping individuality. We come here to gain a body, and be able to be resurrected as perfect beings. We come to learn, grow, and find ourselves. Life is a blessing, and should never be taken for granted. God loves every single one of His children, and I am so excited to be in His presence once again when my journey here is through.
I can't even imagine what it will be like when my time has come, and I return home. What will it look like? What will it feel like? Will God be proud of me? Will He welcome me home with love and honor? Will He accept me in His courts? Only time will tell, and I'm willing to wait until He calls me home. I'm happy to stay here and grow as long as He needs me to.
Today I came across perhaps the most empowering song I've ever heard while listening to a Christian station on Pandora. I have extremely powerful emotions towards music and the effect it can have on its listeners. My opinion on music might even match the impact my emotions towards SSA. Now before I start a tangent, I'll explain some more and then give you the song.
So my life and music have always been on extremes. For much of my youth, I honestly hated music. I hated all music. Before iPods and MP3's (yes, even though I'm 19, I remember those times) when it was all about stereos and boomboxes, I never even wanted one. I mean, I had no reason to have one. Even when iPods and MP3's started coming out, I never had a desire to get one, after-all I hated music at the time. Then me and music got a new relationship.
Just a while before starting middle-school I finally started opening up to music, and even started to love singing. I started out mainly listening to instrumental music, and much of it was world instrumental. I dabbled a little into vocal music, and that's where I developed a love for singing. This phase of only instrumental with a tiny bit of vocals only lasted about a year or so. After that, me and music took another twist.
I ended up diving in to vocal music, almost all at once, and listened to the music that was popular for kids (usually radio Disney which was still cool back then). It was another quick transition from that to something else too. I ended up getting an MP3 player, and dove into another extreme, and that was music that was popular at that time for teenagers and older. This was during the big rise in hip-hop, rap, and electronic-pop-dance music. This was a big change from what I had listened to previously.
As you can probably guess, my new relationship with music which led me to hip-hop and rap led me to find some pretty bad songs. This phase in my life lasted up until about 2 years ago, and lasted 4-5 years of my life. I was getting into music that was worse and worse. I started listening to awful songs, songs that would swear every-other word, songs that were extremely sexually explicit, and songs that were just evil and dark in nature. It wasn't long after this phase started that my life started spiralling out of control.
It got to the point where I had no morals about music anymore, and nothing phased me. It didn't matter how much profanity, sex, drugs, or evil was in a song, as long as I liked it, I listened to it. It started influencing me, even though I never really thought about it at the time. I would listen to that music when I was feeling low, and it would drive me lower, but somehow I loved it, or at least thought I did. Music was a deciding factor in my actions, and even my free agency and was a huge influence on me driving me further and further from God. In fact, now that I think about it, I really believe it was the music I listened to that drove me from the Church, and I don't even just think, I know it was a big part of it. The music I listened to destroyed me spiritually.
It wasn't until I got sent to inpatient treatment that I really had time to think about what I was doing in life, including the media I had decided to listen to and participate in. It was during my stay in treatment that I realized how deep music had pulled me, and how much it was destroying me inside. It's crazy to think I went from hating music, to loving it, and then getting into the worst music I could've found. Now you might think I'm talking about some kind of music you couldn't find listed on the home page of iTunes, but that's actually the exact music I'm talking about, or at least the artists. It was the "popular" music of the time that was my downfall. Lady Gaga, Kesha, Pitbull, Jesse McCartney, Katy Perry, etc. They, and so many other popular artists, were what destroyed me.
After my stay in inpatient treatment, I resolved to change the music I listened to. At first, I decided I'd get rid of all my songs that swore at what I considered "too often". After a month or so, I realized that wasn't enough. I still had these awful evil feelings and influences, so I decided to re-evaluate. I got rid of all songs I had that swore at all. Things got better, but after a month or two, I started to notice evil influences in my life still. I was still hitting lows because of music. I took another look into it.
This time I took out all my music that was sexually suggestive, any song that had innapropriate references, gone. Things improved a little, but still, evil influences, bad feelings, low points and sin. I re-evalutated again the music I listened to. This time, deciding to eliminate any music that contained indirect references to anything sexual. Again, more improvement, but a month later, still evil there. This time I decided I really needed to do something big. I needed to sacrifice something more for God if I was ever going to improve.
I did a huge evaluation of all the music I had. I decided this time that I wouldn't just eliminate individual songs, but if there was an artist who sung any song with any profanity, sexual reference, drug references, anything evil, then every single song from that artist went bye-bye, no matter how "positive" an individual song sung by them may have been. I decided to judge the music by emotion too. Any song that invoked anger or hate, gone. I used to listen to heavy rock, that was gone because it provoked anger and hate. I dropped entire genres. Rap and hip-hop, completely deleted, metal and heavy rock, completely gone. Needless to say, my music library was cut in more than just half. I had a fraction left of what I had had before.
It was not an easy process, getting rid of all that music, especially because I had spent money on it, and there was no way to return it. It was also hard to get rid of it, because did I like it? Yeah, it was fun to dance to and sing to, but the destruction it had heaped on me was so much worse than any "fun" that came from it, and the disobedience from God's law that it was compromised who I wanted to be. I was pretty much out of music to listen to, my library was tiny and I loved music but had little-to-nothing to listen to. This is when I came across a new kind of music; Christian.
Christian is now essentially all I listen to, and has been perhaps one of the biggest blessings God has given me. The evil influence, destruction, and corruption my previous playlist once caused me has been replaced by good, uplifting, and inspiring music always drawing me closer to God, and I still think there's room to improve, in fact after this post, I'm going to filter my music library yet again.
The process of change has not been easy. Some people may laugh at this because evil music has become so normal that it's funny to think someone tries to avoid it like pornography or drugs, but honestly I've had to treat music just like my addictions. I've had relapses on my bad music since I deleted it all. As amazing as the radio in my car is, and as amazing as Pandora has been in helping me find amazing Christian and LDS music, they've also both been extremely dangerous for me. I've had times where I've listened to evil music on the radio or Pandora since I deleted almost my entire music library.
This is the part people might laugh or smile on, but I've even caught myself justifying listening to songs that aren't in and of themselves evil, but by an artist who has a lot of really bad music, and even that influences me for evil, regardless of how "good" the individual song may be. Satan has literally tempted me to return to old music through so many different avenues, including factors that I can't control, and so I have to be constantly vigilant about what's going on around me to avoid the temptations that can cause me to go back to listening to bad artists or songs.
I have such powerful emotions towards music because I have been everywhere with music. I once hated all music, then I got into it and listened to strictly instrumental, then I got into lyrical, dove into popular music, delved into absolutely evil music, and made a slow and painful recovery climbing out of the dark hole and finding my way back to God by deleting my music library. I have such strong emotions because I see people being destroyed by music every day, even people in the Church who you would never suspect. People delving into music that seems "innocent" enough, but ultimately leads to worse things. Just like drugs have "gateway" drugs (lesser drugs that easily and almost always lead to worse drugs) I believe and know for a fact that there is also gateway music. I have a testimony of music for both sides, good and evil, and I know what an influence music can be.
I am a Child of God, and I will never sell my soul for the evil of this world. I honestly feel that music is something I would fight for. If I could go to war against evil music, even with a risk of losing my life, I honestly believe I would. If I knew I had a chance to change the world, to change music as it is, I would happily seize the opportunity.
I want to challenge every single person who reads this post to go look at the music you listen to, the movies you watch, the channels you turn to on the TV, the talk-shows or other media you watch or listen to, even the pictures you have on your walls and as the wallpaper on your electronic devices. Look at them, and honestly, 100% think about whether these bring you closer to God, closer to who you want to be, or whether they are doing the opposite. Think about the effects it may have on you even indirectly. I promise I never saw the full affects of music on me until I looked back on it and saw how destructive it really was.
I honestly desire that every single person who reads this post will re-evaluate their lives in every aspect, and really think about what things you're letting affect you, and whether you mean to let them affect you or not. It's amazing how such small things that may seem so insignificant can effect us in the biggest ways.
I almost want to end the post here, but I promised a song, and so I will post it and let you check it out. This song is what inspired this post. This song makes direct jabs at many popular artists of this day like Lady Gaga, Katy Perry, Kanye West, and Kesha. I love this song, I really do. I'll end the post with this, and I'll post the song and lyrics and highlight the lyrics that really stuck out and meant something to me. Don't let the media control your life, let God be your guide, not media be your dictator and deceiver. I love you all. I hope you all walk away from this with the ability to see the things that influence you, and that God will bless you with the ability to identify and remove the negative.
This world is, ra, ra
In a bad romance, going, ga, ga
You know we're
gettin' played
By the love game
And hypnotized by all the fame But
I believe we can't back down from the fight It's not okay with me to just be
silent Won't be silent, silent
No, we won't let them take
control We won't go with the flow We've got to stand together
It's
all plastic and I can't be a fake It's all static, every word that they
say We won't let them take control
Won't let them take control
Life
is short, baby, tik tok
Ain't got no time for your, blah, blah
(Nah, nah,
nah)
'Cause girl, we don't need
your drug
No, no, we don't what you're calling love
'Cause I believe
that you're either yes or no
You're hot or cold No teenage dream could
ever be worth your soul
Never worth your soul
Burn like a
fire
Shine like a diamond
See a flash when I smile
Brighter than
Kanye's
Comes to the heart
Gotta guard what we buyin' Can't you see
they all got you tryin' To fall in love with your stereo
So they
control what you think And everywhere you go But greater is He who lives
inside of we know He won't lose fight, that's right
I decided I wanted to make a "playlist" of songs that I've come to love that share a message that no matter how hard things may be, no matter how low you are or feel, that you're worth it, that God loves you no matter what. And so here they are in no particular order. Enjoy! I know I do.
*Obviously I don't own the rights to any of these songs, or the videos. Nor am I stating that I support anything that any of these artists may claim or support. I'm simply sharing songs I've found which have been greatly uplifting and spiritual for me, particularly when I'm feeling low and needed a boost.*
P.S. If you're on mobile, for whatever reason the video may not show up. If that's the case, you can click on the link instead and watch the video that way.
I found this song a few months ago on my way to work listening to the radio. I was only able to hear a couple lines of the song before I arrived at work, but I had already been touched and had decided I was going to buy the song
He cries in the corner where nobody sees
He's the kid with the story
No one would believe
He prays every night
"Dear God won't you please
Could you send someone here
Who will love me?"
Who will love me for me
Not for what I have done
Or what I will become
Who will love me for me
'Cause nobody has shown me what love
What love really means
Her office is shrinking a little each day
She's the woman whose husband has run away
She'll go to the gym after working today
Maybe if she was thinner
Then he would've stayed
And she says...
Who will love me for me
Not for what I have done
Or what I will become
Who will love me for me
'Cause nobody has shown me what love
What love really means
What love really means
He's waiting to die as he sits all alone
He's a man in a cell who regrets what he's done
He utters a cry from the depths of his soul
"Oh Lord, forgive me, I want to go home"
Then he heard a voice somewhere deep inside
And it said,
"I know you've murdered and I know you've lied
And I have watched you suffer all of your life
And now that you'll listen I'll, I'll tell you that I..."
I will love you for you
Not for what you have done
Or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love
The love that you never knew
Love you for you
Not for what you have done
Or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love
The love that you never knew
What Love Really Means is composed of 3 stories; of a young boy who has already lived a hard life, a woman who recently lost her husband, and a convict who's awaiting the death penalty.
There are many reasons I love this song, one of the most prominent being that I relate to each story. I also love the message sent through the song about the importance of not judging others, and even more so, the infinite love Jesus Christ has for each of us. The first story of the boy really speaks to my young self. As a child, I was bullied and made fun of. I was an easy target because I was different than everyone else. It was easy for me to be friends with girls, and I had a hard time talking to guys. I was shy, emotional, awkward, and sometimes just plain weird. Confusing and hurtful things were done and said to me. Boys scared me. I had been betrayed, rejected, hurt, and abused. I used to cry to God to send me someone who could love me & be a friend to me. My prayer was answered and I was given a best friend. She and I had a lot of fun together, and when we were hanging out, we didn't worry about what others' thought. We were best friends, we did most everything together, and were as weird as we wanted to be. Part of me, however, still needed something more. I longed for a male in whom I could trust and love as a best friend. It wasn't until much later in my life, when I was 18, that God truly answered that prayer, and when He did, I was answered with an avalanche of blessings and changes. The second story, of the woman, spoke to me regarding the rejection I had experienced in life, and the mask I used to wear. It touched me regarding my body image issues and self-worth. Sometimes I don't feel good enough. Something happens in my life and I look inward and try to determine what I did wrong, even if it wasn't my fault. I beat myself up, try to change things I can't change about myself, and sometimes I wish I was someone else. "Maybe if I was thinner, better-looking, kinder, stronger, heterosexual, not an addict, etc. then they would've stayed. Then life would be easier, then I would love myself." If I could understand that to Christ, those aren't qualities that qualify me for love, that the people who really matter in my life lift me up and love me, not tear me down and judge me, and that I need to be a good friend to myself. I often put up a mask to make people think I was someone I wasn't. People used to ask me if I was "gay", to which I would quickly and sharply say "No!, Gross, Never, etc.". I was ignorant, I was a liar, I was scared. I used to be the nicest, quietest, most obedient person on the outside, which I'm not saying the nice and obedient part is bad, but I'd get into trouble behind the scenes, and when someone found out, I would deny my involvement, and the blame would be passed on someone else because adults didn't believe someone so "well-behaved" and "respectful" could ever do something wrong. And the final story of the convicted man awaiting the death penalty. I loved this one because it truly highlighted someone at their lowest point, at their 'rock-bottom'. In the lowest moment, the man in the story opened his heart to be touched by the Savior. In his lowest moment, knowing what would soon come to pass, he longed to feel loved, he wanted to go home. Our real home. Living with our Heavenly Father. "When we hit our lowest point, we are open to the greatest change." -Avatar Aang
I remember my lowest point, when I was absolutely broken inside. I couldn't rely on my own will-power anymore, I had to somewhere else, to someone else. Someone whose strength and love was infinite. I had to turn to God and Christ. Though I would continue to fall and make mistakes through life, Christ would be there to pick me up, hold me, and guide me through this life. He would love me and forgive me, even when I made mistakes, even when I made big mistakes. He could show me What Love Really Means.
Just today while I was on my way to lunch during work, I was listening to one of my favorite radio stations, and I was reminded of His love, and the importance of forgiving others. What I got from it: If I'm a believer, I have to forgive, no matter what, no matter who. I'm just as guilty no matter what someone does to me. I need to forgive myself too. Christ forgave His murderers, Christ forgave us all.
If there's a story you feel you connect to, feel free to share it in the comments! I think interaction would be fun, that is if you'd like to post a comment ;) Love you all!
I remember the moment, I remember the pain I was only a girl, but I grew up that day Tears were falling I know You saw me
Hiding there in my bedroom, so alone I was doing my best, trying to be strong No one to turn to That's when I met You
(Chorus)
All this time, from the first tear cried
'Till today's sunrise
And every single moment between
You were there, You were always there
It was You and I
You've been walking with me all this time
Ooh, oh, oohh
Ooh, oh, oohh
You've been walking with me all this time
Ever since that day, it's been clear to me
That no matter what comes, You will never leave
I know You're for me
And You're restoring
Every heartache and failure, every broken dream
You're the God who sees, the God who rescued me
This is my story
This is my story
Chorus
I hear these people asking me How do I know what I believe Well, I'm not the same me, and that's all the proof I need I felt love, I felt Your grace You stole my heart that day
Chorus
Ever since the first tear cried
It was You, You and I
You've been walking with me all this time x2
I found this song a little while ago, and it really struck a cord with me. It was a song I could really relate to. Even the first 2 lines of the song "I remember the moment, I remember the pain. I was only a (boy), but I grew up that day" I remember that moment for me, or rather moments, early in my life when I felt pain, when I was still young enough to not need to deal with that, but it caused me to have to grow up, to accept things and deal with things at that young age. "Tears were falling, I know You saw me."
Then the next section "Hiding there in my bedroom, so alone. I was doing my best, trying to be strong. No one to turn to. That's when I met You" This section of the song hit me even harder. I remember those moments in my life, when life seemed to be caving in, when I was trying to be strong, but could only keep that up for so long. When I felt that I had no one to turn to, and finally the moment when I met the Savior, when I came to know God, and when I was able to turn to Him and rely on his atonement. There have been times in my life when I've forgotten to turn to Christ, times when I've turned my back on God, and yet He remains there waiting for me to turn back to Him. That is a love I cannot comprehend.
And finally, one of my favorite parts "I hear these people asking me. How do I know what I believe? Well, I'm not the same me, and that's all the proof I need. I felt love, I felt Your grace" That's one thing that has solidified my testimony, as well as something I need to apply to my life even more. How do I know what I believe? Well, I'm not the same me, and that's all the proof I need. That statement seems so powerful to me. That's all the proof I need. Sometimes I feel like I don't know enough, sometimes I feel like I need more to have a true testimony, but is it really that I don't have enough? Or should the fact that I'm not the same me, that I'm happy, that I've felt love and grace be enough for me to say "That's all the proof I need"
Today while I was out mowing my Grandma's lawn, I was listening to my music, and a song came on which I've heard multiple times before, but for some reason it hit me hard today. The song is You Never Are by Francesca Battistelli.
You Never Are
Lost your way and you don't know how it happened So much time you wasted chasing satisfaction Seems like there's no where else to go Please, I wish that you would come home
Oh, don't be so afraid, you think that you're too far But you never are, you never are, you never are, are, are
So scared that you're too late, too hidden in the dark
But you never are, you never are, you never are, are, are
Grace is underestimated All you ever really have to do is take it God is bigger than the times we fail So why can we not forgive ourselves?
Oh, don't be so afraid, you think that you're too far
But you never are, you never are, you never are, are, are
So scared that you're too late, too hidden in the dark
But you never are, you never are, but you never are
You will never be perfect, oh But you're still worth it
You've gotta just believe
Oh, don't be so afraid, you think that you're too far
But you never are, you never are
Oh, don't be so afraid, you think that you're too far
But you never are, you never are, oh
So scared that you're too late, too hidden in the dark
But you never, you never, you never are, you never are
You never are, you never are, are, are
You never are, you never are, you never are, are, are
And my writing talent has exhausted itself for today, so rather than try to dissect it and its meaning, I'll just leave it at that and I added highlights and bolding to parts that I think mean a lot and are cool.
Anyways, love you all! May God bless you continually and may we come to realize that we are never too far for forgiveness through the grace of Christ.
