The Broken Wire

     This April, I had a lot going on...

     Early in the month I found out that I have borderline personality disorder. This came as somewhat of a shock, honestly. I mean in reality, when I first found out, I didn't even know what borderline was. I've struggled emotionally, socially, and mentally in certain ways most of my life, but I've only ever been officially diagnosed with depression and anxiety, and so all of the other issues I had I just assumed were a result of me being a "bad" person. Finding out I have borderline was a mixed bag of emotions...

      It was great to finally have answers. I could finally pinpoint behavioral and emotional issues and where they come from, and I could even make sense of issues in my past. I have answers now that I never had before. But on the same coin, I now have lots of new questions... Where do I go now? Now that I know the source, what can I do to fix it, to cope, or at least regulate my borderline episodes?

     Needless to say, this discovery of borderline has been a big source of stress...

     About a week after finding out that I have borderline, through talking to my friends and family about things I thought were just normal, I was recommended to go to a cardiologist. See, I was born with a pectus excavatum which is a condition where the ribs and sternum sink in, making a crater-like dent in the middle of the chest. Since I've only ever lived in my body, I thought it was totally normal to occasionally get piercing chest pains, shortness of breath, dizziness, and vomiting while working out or even in other less intense situations. I thought that at least it was because I wasn't in the best of shape (and that may be part of it). But I found out more recently that maybe that's not so normal... at least, not for other people. So, with concern from family and friends, and doing my own research, I decided it best to meet with a cardiologist.

     Upon going in, the cardiologist (well technically he's a cardiothoracic surgeon) said my pectus definitely looked deep enough to cause functional limitations, and ordered some tests to be done to measure how much of an effect it is having to confirm whether or not I should get/need to get surgery. The first test was an EKG, and the results of said test were that I have a "normal irregular" heartbeat (literally, that's what they told me), and also, my heart is not in the normal location within the chest. Instead, my heart is to the left, and close to the surface. The other two tests I did, which included a breath test and ultrasound on my heart both came back pretty normal, at least according to the technicians, and I still have a few more tests to do. So, I don't have an answer yet, but that's been happening.

     So yes, this was most definitely stressful. Especially considering that in the beginning, my main concern was that my aorta could potentially be dilated, and therefore at risk for bursting, but the tests so far have at least somewhat eased that fear. But, if you add on top of this the fact that about a week earlier I learned that I have borderline, then, yeah.... April was.... stressful....

     So almost all of April I was stressing about my borderline and my pectus excavatum and the potential health problems it may be causing, plus on top of that the normal stress of work, school, callings, etc.

     To top it all off, just a few days ago, my car broke down. Now, car breakdowns are traumatic and stressful experiences for me (as I'm sure they are for many people), especially because I work 40 minutes from home. So late on Thursday night I call my insurance company to tow my car to the repair shop, and call my dad to pick me up. On top of everything I've been stressing about, I now have car issues to worry about that could be expensive, and if it took a long time to fix, would also make it difficult to get to work.

     Well, Friday afternoon I get a call from the repair shop. They told me they found the problem, and it was just a little wire that connected to the ignition, and that was why the car died. The repair shop very generously fixed the small wire without cost, and once my father got home from work, he took me to pick up my car.

     Driving home, I had an interesting thought. What if all of the things I'm dealing with in this life are just little broken wires? What if my experiences seem so traumatic at the time, but once the problem is fixed, I can look back with a smile, a laugh, and a sigh of relief and realize it was something so small compared to the grand scheme of things? What's funny is I realized this is my "normal". Borderline personality disorder may seem alien to other people, in fact, most people don't even know what it is. I didn't know what it was until a month ago, yet I've been living it for years. But you know what? It's my "normal". My pectus excavatum and the issues that come with it are my "normal". I am my "normal". Now, that's not to say I don't need to change or fix things in my life, but that is to say that I can laugh, smile, and see the humor in being me as I seek to become a better person.

     Knowing my issues, my struggles, my quirks, helps me to figure out who I am, and who I can become. It's not an accident that I'm same-sex attracted, or that I'm an addict, or borderline, or deal with health issues relating to a pectus. No, it's no coincidence or accident. God knew that I needed all of these things to grow. And rather than wallow in fear and pain, I can look up to Heaven and smile while my heart beats to its "normal irregular" heartbeat. Life is so amazing. Of course, being borderline, I mean that now, but in a few minutes I might hate life. But that doesn't make my first statement untrue, because eventually I'll laugh again and realize life it amazing.

     This experience also taught me that Christ is the ultimate healer and mechanic. He has already paid the ultimate price, and all He asks is that I come with a broken heart and contrite spirit, and willingly accept His assistance. He can fix my broken wires, and He can make me whole. Of course, because Christ knows what is best for me, He may not fix everything right away. In fact, some things I may have to wait a lifetime to repair, but in the end I know that Christ will fix me and make me whole. And one day, I will look back on my broken wires, and I will smile and laugh and cry with gratitude for the experiences I had that shaped me and helped me grow, and I will have my loving Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ to thank for all of it. For without them, there would be no broken, and there would be no fixed, and there would be no me. And, despite all of the broken parts, it really is amazing to be me.

     My testimony tonight is one of God's love for me. I know He loves me. I know He has given me these circumstances that I may grow and progress. I know that the gospel of Jesus Christ is the one true gospel, and that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is where I belong, and what I need to progress to be with my Father in Heaven again. Struggles come, but it's okay. It's just me, and I want to live my "normal irregular" life to the fullest, and become the best 'me' that I can be.

When I Finally Make it Home

     I've been listening to a song recently that has really hit me hard, and given me a desire to get even closer to God than I ever have. The song is called "Finally Home" by MercyMe. Every time I listen to it, I get emotional. I don't mean I cry every time I listen to it, I just feel the spirit, I feel God telling me He loves me, and I feel myself becoming like a little child, just wanting my Heavenly Father to be proud of me, to welcome me home, to tell me He loves me and has been waiting for me.

Finally Home

MercyMe

If the video is unavailable, you can view it here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tnTu0i9cj-I

 

I'm gonna wrap my arms around my daddy's neck
And tell him that I've missed him
And tell him all about the man that I became
And hope that it pleased him
There's so much I wanna say
So much I want you to know

When I finally make it home
Then I'll gaze upon the throne of the King
Frozen in my steps
And all the questions that I swore I would ask
Words just won't come yet
So amazed at what I've seen
So much more than this old mind can hold

When I finally make it home
When I finally make it home

And the sweetest sound these ears have yet to hear
The voices of the angels

When I finally make it home
When I finally make it home

 

     I was just thinking as I listened to it how wonderful my life is, and how wonderful it is that through Christ, everyone gets a second chance, a third chance, a fourth chance, a fifth, and so on. It humbles me to think of the purpose of this life. We come here to earth to gain a body, to exercise our free agency and choose our eternal destiny, to learn and gain experience through the trials of this life, and to receive the opportunity to gain the attributes of God.

     It makes me think about the times when I considered taking my life, and how much of a loss and tragedy it would have been had that happened. I know I wouldn't be proud of myself in the next life if I gave up the fight, and I wouldn't expect God to be either, and know that I would not be able to obtain Celestial Glory. I am thankful that God provides me with time on this earth to learn and grow.

     It reminds me of what this life is really about. We don't come here to earth to gain worldly success, we come to learn the quality's that God has, and strive to become like Him while still keeping individuality. We come here to gain a body, and be able to be resurrected as perfect beings. We come to learn, grow, and find ourselves. Life is a blessing, and should never be taken for granted. God loves every single one of His children, and I am so excited to be in His presence once again when my journey here is through.



     I can't even imagine what it will be like when my time has come, and I return home. What will it look like? What will it feel like? Will God be proud of me? Will He welcome me home with love and honor? Will He accept me in His courts? Only time will tell, and I'm willing to wait until He calls me home. I'm happy to stay here and grow as long as He needs me to.

Inundation

     Well, it has been some time since I've been on here. I feel the need to get on and write this post, not because I want to, but because I feel I need to. Life recently hasn't been easy, but really, life is rarely easy.
     Many feelings I am all too familiar with are coming back into my life causing me to question. Not question my beliefs, not question the existence of God, or even my testimony, but causing me to question myself. Question my worth, my ability, my shortcomings, my failures in contrast to successes, etc.
     There's a lot of pressure on me right now. I'm starting a new job next week (which I'm excited but nervous for), my Voice(s) of Hope video and essay are due to be published soon, I'm almost always packed each day with stuff I need to do (chores, family time, etc.), I've been spending a lot of time with friends, I recently joined a YSA ward and am now a home teacher so I have responsibility to work with my companion and go out and teach our members each month, etc. Many of these things are good things, things that bring me joy, happiness, and blessings. Things that bring me closer to God. Yet I'm still stressed.
     Sometimes I just don't know if I'm doing all I can. This week has seemed to highlight my shortcomings. I've been reminded of how terrible I am at standing up for myself, and even standing up for others. It seems every time I've tried I either haven't been able to, or I do, but end up being too harsh or unnecessarily defensive and end up hurting others as well as myself. Standing up for myself has been a life-long struggle. I was bullied basically my entire school career. People always told me I just needed to stand up for myself, and that I was bullied because I reacted too much. Well, whenever I tried standing up for myself I'd cross the line and get in trouble with someone. I never hit anyone, never used physical force, but my words and actions were often what caused so much pain and heart ache for those around me and to myself.
     It's something I've beat myself up for time and time again, the innate ability I seem to have to hurt those around me that I never meant to hurt, and hurt them far beyond what I ever intended. I remember back to my childhood dealing with this as well. I would always find a way to do something wrong, to hurt someone in some way even if it was a complete accident. I broke expensive decorations while playing with my friends, broke a baby doll my neighbors had which was given to them by their grandmother before she passed, I gave bruises to people I was just trying to tickle or tease, I made people cry, I influenced others to make poor decisions and then hid in the background as they took all the blame. Most all of what happened causing damage and pain was accidental, yet still I look at myself trying to figure out why it seems to happen all the time.
     I lose contact with people too easily sometimes. It's not that I stop caring about that, or even that I forget about them, we just seem to drift apart. I don't text someone for a week and it's like they've fallen out of my life completely unless I see them in my weekly life at Church or work. I feel like I'm either too overbearing, or not there for them at all. I go through phases with people. It seems to go from acquaintances to friends and sometimes to best friends, then back to friends and eventually to acquaintances, and sometimes to almost strangers again.
     Well, there are the struggles I've been facing recently. I didn't mean to make this post into a venting session, or a pity-party. All things considered, life is great, it really is. I just have things which have come up that I now need to work through and process. What can I say? I'm human and imperfect, but I'm trying.

     Now I'll try to focus on more of the positives.
     I went to my 12-step meeting (aka ARP) tonight. We were working on step 3. There was one sentence in there that stuck out to me; "You may not be able to change some things in your life, but you can change your willingness to trust in God and obey Him." That really hit me, considering all that is going on right now. There are things going on in my life, even things about myself, that I can't change, but I still need to trust on God and obey His commandments.
     I published the Voices of Hope promo video which featured me, and the feedback I got was incredible. People I haven't talked to in years send me comments and messages thanking me for touching their lives and being willing to be open and vulnerable to share my experiences, faith, and hope with the world. It wasn't even my personal video, just a video I was featured in, and yet I touched lives. It was so great and comforting to see that God was able to use me to help others. I'm a little nervous now for when my actual video is released ;)
     And now my writing ability is starting to fade. Maybe I'm just tired or lazy, I don't know. Anyway, just want to end on a positive note. Life really is amazing, even for me right now, though it seems hard. God loves EVERYONE. Every single human being on this earth is loved by Him beyond worldly comprehension. I know God has blessed me, and is still a part of my life, even if I struggle, even if I fall.
     I have a testimony that I cannot deny of Jesus Christ, and that He atoned for everyone's sins, even mine. I know that God is real, and loves everyone. I know that there is life after death, and that true happiness is found only through following God and relying on Christ. I know that Christ is the Savior of the world, and that I am loved infinitely, as everyone is.
     Love you all! May we find Light in the darkness

The Essence of Being a God

     One thing a lot of people question is why does the church not allow same-sex marriage in the temple? Why can same-sex couples not be sealed? This is my insight on it.
     See, the thing is we have a Heavenly Father and Mother, and together, they are God. I do not believe same-sex marriage could ever work out as a God, and the reason is this; the entire reason God is God is so that He and She could have spirit children, and to give those spirit children a chance to become as God's themselves. God is God so that this can happen. Like parents who seek to have and raise children, so is God, but on a grander scale.
     Gender is an essential part not only of God's plan, but of becoming a God. This is a large reason why we needed a body. We needed gender to be expressed physically, thereby giving us the ability to create life. The reproductive capabilities will naturally transfer over as well, meaning if it were possible that a same-gender couple could become a "God", they'd lose their ability to be a God, because they, due to gender, cannot have children, which therefore takes out the whole reason for being a God, which is to have and raise your own spirit children. I believe this is why God will not allow same-sex marriage eternally, because it goes against the very essence of being a God. It's not to "punish" us (those with SSA) it's to guide us and give us the ability to become Gods. It is because God loves us.
     Some may argue that marriage is not, or should not, be essential for eternal life. I believe the same principles apply. You cannot reproduce with yourself. Man and Woman as a couple become one. They complete each other, giving not only the reproductive capabilities, but all the abilities expressed by a God. Again, God is not just He, rather, God is He and She, Heavenly Mother and Father. D&C 131:2; "And in order to obtain the highest, a man must enter into this order of the priesthood (meaning the new and everlasting covenant of marriage)"
     Now granted, due to circumstances, trials, &/or choices of their own or others, some people may not have the chance to get married in this life. It has been indicated that under these circumstances, God will provide that person with a spouse in the next life. I see no reason why God would take away the chance for someone who lived worthily to live as a God simply because they were not given a chance for marriage in this life.
     Some may also bring up the point that there are some opposite-sex (heterosexual) couples where one or both of them are unable to reproduce for whatever reason that may be, and may argue that if that's the case, why can't a same-sex couple, who cannot reproduce together, not be given the chance to become a God together? The reasoning is this, in my mind; Christ and God can heal all infirmities if we believe on him. In the next life, if we have lived worthily, God will heal all our sicknesses and infirmities. Reproductive ability, I believe, can and will be restored in the next life, therefore giving the heterosexual couple the ability to become a God, but the same-sex couple not.
     Please understand that I am not trying in any way, shape, or form to be rude, hateful, or judging of people who have made the decision to marry same-sex, I am merely trying to explain why the church has decided what it has and how I have been shown how things will work out.