Well, it has been some time since I've been on here. I feel the need to get on and write this post, not because I want to, but because I feel I need to. Life recently hasn't been easy, but really, life is rarely easy.
Many feelings I am all too familiar with are coming back into my life causing me to question. Not question my beliefs, not question the existence of God, or even my testimony, but causing me to question myself. Question my worth, my ability, my shortcomings, my failures in contrast to successes, etc.
There's a lot of pressure on me right now. I'm starting a new job next week (which I'm excited but nervous for), my Voice(s) of Hope video and essay are due to be published soon, I'm almost always packed each day with stuff I need to do (chores, family time, etc.), I've been spending a lot of time with friends, I recently joined a YSA ward and am now a home teacher so I have responsibility to work with my companion and go out and teach our members each month, etc. Many of these things are good things, things that bring me joy, happiness, and blessings. Things that bring me closer to God. Yet I'm still stressed.
Sometimes I just don't know if I'm doing all I can. This week has seemed to highlight my shortcomings. I've been reminded of how terrible I am at standing up for myself, and even standing up for others. It seems every time I've tried I either haven't been able to, or I do, but end up being too harsh or unnecessarily defensive and end up hurting others as well as myself. Standing up for myself has been a life-long struggle. I was bullied basically my entire school career. People always told me I just needed to stand up for myself, and that I was bullied because I reacted too much. Well, whenever I tried standing up for myself I'd cross the line and get in trouble with someone. I never hit anyone, never used physical force, but my words and actions were often what caused so much pain and heart ache for those around me and to myself.
It's something I've beat myself up for time and time again, the innate ability I seem to have to hurt those around me that I never meant to hurt, and hurt them far beyond what I ever intended. I remember back to my childhood dealing with this as well. I would always find a way to do something wrong, to hurt someone in some way even if it was a complete accident. I broke expensive decorations while playing with my friends, broke a baby doll my neighbors had which was given to them by their grandmother before she passed, I gave bruises to people I was just trying to tickle or tease, I made people cry, I influenced others to make poor decisions and then hid in the background as they took all the blame. Most all of what happened causing damage and pain was accidental, yet still I look at myself trying to figure out why it seems to happen all the time.
I lose contact with people too easily sometimes. It's not that I stop caring about that, or even that I forget about them, we just seem to drift apart. I don't text someone for a week and it's like they've fallen out of my life completely unless I see them in my weekly life at Church or work. I feel like I'm either too overbearing, or not there for them at all. I go through phases with people. It seems to go from acquaintances to friends and sometimes to best friends, then back to friends and eventually to acquaintances, and sometimes to almost strangers again.
Well, there are the struggles I've been facing recently. I didn't mean to make this post into a venting session, or a pity-party. All things considered, life is great, it really is. I just have things which have come up that I now need to work through and process. What can I say? I'm human and imperfect, but I'm trying.
Now I'll try to focus on more of the positives.
I went to my 12-step meeting (aka ARP) tonight. We were working on step 3. There was one sentence in there that stuck out to me; "You may not be able to change some things in your life, but you can change your willingness to trust in God and obey Him." That really hit me, considering all that is going on right now. There are things going on in my life, even things about myself, that I can't change, but I still need to trust on God and obey His commandments.
I published the Voices of Hope promo video which featured me, and the feedback I got was incredible. People I haven't talked to in years send me comments and messages thanking me for touching their lives and being willing to be open and vulnerable to share my experiences, faith, and hope with the world. It wasn't even my personal video, just a video I was featured in, and yet I touched lives. It was so great and comforting to see that God was able to use me to help others. I'm a little nervous now for when my actual video is released ;)
And now my writing ability is starting to fade. Maybe I'm just tired or lazy, I don't know. Anyway, just want to end on a positive note. Life really is amazing, even for me right now, though it seems hard. God loves EVERYONE. Every single human being on this earth is loved by Him beyond worldly comprehension. I know God has blessed me, and is still a part of my life, even if I struggle, even if I fall.
I have a testimony that I cannot deny of Jesus Christ, and that He atoned for everyone's sins, even mine. I know that God is real, and loves everyone. I know that there is life after death, and that true happiness is found only through following God and relying on Christ. I know that Christ is the Savior of the world, and that I am loved infinitely, as everyone is.
Love you all! May we find Light in the darkness