My Journey to Veganism

In July of 2017, I made the decision to become vegan. This wasn’t a decision I made suddenly, without thought, or based purely on in-the-moment emotion. It was something I had been slowly working towards, researching, praying about, and studying ancient and modern words of God and the prophets.

            I first really learned about the idea of veganism from my friend David who had been vegan for a while before we met. I had of course heard of veganism before meeting him, but had never put much thought into it, and often dismissed it as foolish, distant, radical, not something worth thinking about, and even against the will and plan of God. This played into much of my early friendship with David. I would often challenge him on his choice to be vegan, I would site claims that he was missing vital nutrients like protein and calcium by avoiding meat and milk. I would site claims that God gave us animals to use for food. This continued on for a couple years of our friendship before I came to accept it and realized many of my claims were wrong. 

            While David was certainly a catalyst in my choice to become vegan, he was not the primary cause. It ultimately had to be my choice. Once I mellowed out and came to accept his choice to be vegan, I became more supportive. When I would eat with him I would often eat vegan foods with him. This applied both when we ate at home, and also when we went to restaurants. When I wasn’t with him, I would still generally eat a lot of meat, milk, eggs, etc. 

            Over time I started to notice something. When I ate vegan meals, I would often feel a bit better, lighter, happier, and more in-tune spiritually afterwards than when I ate something that wasn’t vegan. I had also been having various health issues such as upset stomach, gas and bloating, and back pain, and I would generally notice a decrease in those symptoms when eating vegan as well.

            As I started to take note of these differences in how I felt, I was also starting to reach out to doctors for help with my digestive issues. My experiences with the doctors would be that they would either dismiss my concerns as not as limiting or important as they felt to me, or they would recommend very specific and difficult to follow dietary changes or various medications that of course ran the risk of different side-effects as well as potentially making me dependent on an expensive pill to feel alright. 

            As all of this was happening, I felt that I wanted to look at my choices of food from a more spiritual perspective. I started to really challenge some of my deep-seated beliefs on what the teachings on food consumption were in the church. I had honestly never seriously and purposefully read through the Word of Wisdom. Of course I had read verses here and there, and heard talks and lessons on it given in church, seminary, and institute, but in almost every case when (and if) food was talked about, it was said that it teaches “everything in moderation”.

            The "problem" with the word moderation is that it’s not limiting on any one thing in particular. In other words, a dinner plate that’s 50% meat, 50% vegetables would be considered moderate as neither the meat or vegetables are in excess of the other. A 60% to 40% ratio could also generally be considered moderate. 

            When I actually read the Word of Wisdom, I found that a different word was used in speaking on the consumption of meat. In D&C 89: 12-13 it states: 

12 Yea, flesh also of beasts and of the fowls of the air, I, the Lord, have ordained for the use of man with thanksgiving; nevertheless they are to be used sparingly;

13 And it is pleasing unto me that they should not be used, only in times of winter, or of cold, or famine.

            The first key word used here is sparingly. Sparingly is a more limiting and specific word than moderation. For example, if I have a dinner plate that’s 50/50 meat and vegetables, I would be eating in moderation, but I wouldn’t be eating one or the other sparingly as they are equal values. 

            More important for me though was the wording in verse 13. God specifically states that it’s pleasing unto Him that “they should not be used, only in times of winter, or of cold, or famine.” For me that stood out very clearly. When I looked at my own life, I realized I’m certainly not in a time of famine. Even if it is winter or cold outside, because of advancements in technology, transportation, and agriculture I’m pretty much never in a situation where I would need to eat meat for survival. And God stated that it’s pleasing unto Him that they are not used outside of those specific instances.

            Some of the other scriptural accounts that really stood out to me in making this decision are those scriptures that talk about when the earth was and will be perfected. During the time of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, the earth was in a perfected state. There was no death. 

Genesis 1:29-31

29 ¶ And God said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat.

30 And to every beast of the earth, and to every fowl of the air, and to every thing that creepeth upon the earth, wherein there is life, I have given every green herb for meat: and it was so.

31 And God saw every thing that he had made, and, behold, it was very good. And the evening and the morning were the sixth day.

Genesis 2:15-16

15 And the Lord God took the man, and put him into the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it.

16 And the Lord God commanded the man, saying, Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat:

           During the time when the world is again perfected there will also be no death. Even the animals will not feed on each other.

Isaiah 11:6-9

6 The wolf also shall dwell with the lamb, and the leopard shall lie down with the kid; and the calf and the young lion and the fatling together; and a little child shall lead them.

7 And the cow and the bear shall feed; their young ones shall lie down together: and the lion shall eat straw like the ox.

8 And the sucking child shall play on the hole of the asp, and the weaned child shall put his hand on the cockatrice’ den.

9 They shall not hurt nor destroy in all my holy mountain: for the earth shall be full of the knowledge of the Lord, as the waters cover the sea.

Isaiah 65:25

25 The wolf and the lamb shall feed together, and the lion shall eat straw like the bullock: and dust shall be the serpent’s meat. They shall not hurt nor destroy in all my holy mountain, saith the Lord.

            As I considered those scriptures, I thought of how we are here on this earth to be tried and tested, to eventually hopefully reach perfection. While no one will achieve perfection here, and no one can achieve perfection without the grace and atonement of Christ, and we will all sin and fall short, I felt that I could still try to work towards it during this life. And when I considered that part of the nature of the perfected world was the absence of death or killing, I looked at and challenged my own participation in the killing of animals. 

            As I was studying the scriptures, I decided I wanted to look for words of modern prophets on the matter. After quite a bit of searching I found a video that really touched me. It’s called “Return to Sparingly: Quotes From LDS Prophets and Apostles.” (I will share it below and include a link). This video had a huge impact on me, and really opened my eyes to the history and significance of the Word of Wisdom that I was totally unaware of before.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qXGXodVrYsA&lc=Ugya8agkyAuraP936wJ4AaABAg
As this video is basically just quotes, here's a transcript to the quotes if you'd rather just read them:
  https://returntosparingly.weebly.com/quotes-video-transcript.html

            I came across another video called “Discovering the Word of Wisdom: A Short Film” that similarly had a big impact on me and really got me thinking. (shared and linked below).

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VXe311aVFqI

            As I found all of this information I started to genuinely feel uncomfortable about my choices of food. I felt that there was something I needed to change, and that it would improve my life spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically. I prayed a lot and fervently asked God for answers. Eventually I made a decision. I set a date when it would be easier for me to fully transition over and decided I was going to do it. The date of, I went cold-turkey. I started eating only foods that were vegan and nothing else. And during this time I prayed a lot and continued studying. I really wanted to know if this was what God wanted me to do.

            I got my answer not long afterwards. It wasn’t a big huge moment, it was more subtle and drawn out. But as the days went on and I stayed committed to eating vegan, I noticed my life improving in many ways. And eventually it just clicked that this was what I was going to do, that it was more than just a personal decision, it was a spiritual one and a commitment made between me and God. That the Word of Wisdom is indeed a word of wisdom. Not all included in it is commandment. But God gave it for council that if I accepted it, I could live a better and healthier life, and I could continually learn new things about how to take care of myself and my body.

            I have not taken this change in my life to mean that I should pressure or command others around me to follow the same and become vegan. I still love those in my life who are not vegan. That does not mean I do not feel the need to encourage others and share with them the benefits I have received from this change. I very much want to help people realize what I did, make a change, and experience the benefits from it. But I want to do it in a way that respects others’ agency.

            This summer I’ll hit the 2 year anniversary of my transition to a purely vegan diet. During the past approximately year and a half I’ve experienced both criticism and support. But I plan to stick to it unless and until God commands otherwise. And, for the sake of my family, friends, and those around me, I want to share the benefits of and my testimony of the Word of Wisdom and following its council. I know that God, the creator of my body, knows what’s best for my health, even if sometimes I’m unsure or unwilling to listen. I know that I can find answers in the scriptures, from modern and living prophets and apostles, and from prayer and personal revelation. I’m so thankful that God placed people and circumstances in my life that led me to really want to learn about and improve how I care for my body. And I’m thankful for my chance to live here on this wonderful earth.

Just one other quote I found today while preparing to write this post that I really loved. This is from a talk given by Ezra Taft Benson (then of the Quorum of the Twelve) in a devotional on March 4, 1979. The talk is entitled “In His Steps” https://speeches.byu.edu/talks/ezra-taft-benson_in-christs-steps/

Second: food. To a great extent we are physically what we eat. Most of us are acquainted with some of the prohibitions, such as no tea, coffee, tobacco, or alcohol. What need additional emphasis are the positive aspects—the need for vegetables, fruits, and grains, particularly wheat. In most cases, the closer these can be, when eaten, to their natural state— without overrefinement and processing—the healthier we will be. To a significant degree, we are an overfed and undernourished nation digging an early grave with our teeth, and lacking the energy that could be ours because we overindulge in junk foods. I am grateful to know that on this campus you can get apples from vending machines, that you have in your student center a fine salad bar, and that you produce an excellent loaf of natural whole-grain bread. Keep it up and keep progressing in that direction. We need a generation of young people who, as Daniel, eat in a more healthy manner than to fare on the “king’s meat”—and whose countenances show it (see Daniel 1).

Pre-Op: Nuss Procedure, Pectus Excavatum

     Tonight will be my last night sleeping with my heart and lungs compressed by my own rib cage. Tonight is the last night I'll sleep with my pectus excavatum. Tonight is the last night I have before I'm strapped into the wild-ride that is 'change'.
     I'd say the majority of people in my life don't know that I have a pectus excavatum. It's not something you can tell just by looking at a fully-clothed person. And if you've never seen me shirtless, and I haven't told you that I have it, there's really almost no way of knowing. But my pectus and I go way back. All the way back, actually.
     For those of you who don't know what a pectus excavatum is, it's a congenital deformity (congenital meaning you're born with it) which results in some of your ribs and your sternum forming incorrectly and caving-in giving it a sunken, crater-ish-like (totally a word) appearance.

Here's a good diagram of it:

 
Luckily mine is not that severe.


Here's some images of my chest I took tonight. It's hard to really get the depth from a picture, but at least it's something.

     For much of my life, my doctors, my parents, and I thought it was for the most part cosmetic. There wasn't significant evidence to show that it affected me beyond that. I definitely didn't want surgery just to "look better", so we never went through with anything. It wasn't until this past year when my best friend expressed concern when I was struggling to breathe and getting really sick and dizzy when I went to the gym with him that he urged me to get it checked, and so I did.

     I found a doctor who specialized in dealing with chest issues (known as a cardiothoracic surgeon), and set up appointments with him. He scheduled different tests for me, and the tests confirmed that my pectus has been causing me a lot of physical limitations. They ordered an MRI and CT-scan of my chest, and I asked the doctor to print me out one of the images. While it's not the best image, here's what I got:

The white bone on the bottom is one of the vertebrae in my spine, and the top bone that is indented downward is my sternum. The grayish lump in the middle is my heart, and the black areas inside my chest are my lungs. Basically, my heart in pinched between my sternum and my spine, so any time I work out, my heart can't beat hard enough or fast enough to provide adequate blood flow and oxygen levels, hence why I get so lightheaded and dizzy so quickly when working out.

     Now the surgery I'm getting is known as the Nuss procedure. It involves inserting metal bars through the ribs, under the sternum, and out the ribs on the other side. The bars are bowed, and go in with the edges protruding out of the chest. Once in, the surgeon forcibly flips the bars. The bars hook onto the rib to hold them in place, and once they are flipped, they push the sternum into place. The bars are left in for at least 2 years in order to fully reshape the chest cavity. After the two years have passed, the bars are then removed and the bones in almost every case retain their new shape. In some cases, only one bar is necessary. For me, I'm old enough and my pectus excavatum is deep enough that I will be getting two bars.

     I'm honestly terrified. Not really for the surgery, but for the recovery. I've heard recovery is a very painful experience.  I will likely be in the hospital after surgery for 3-5 days, and then I was recommended to take off work for about 4 weeks. As someone who will freely admit that I have a low pain tolerance, I'm definitely nervous. Right now, I'm just trying to tune out my anxiety, and just accept that it's out of my control. Will the surgery likely be worth it? Yeah. Will I likely look back and be so happy I did it once the misery of recovery is over? Yeah. But right now, I'm just so nervous...

     Beyond just the pain, it in a way feels like I'll be losing a part of who I am... For me, I usually like things that make others unique. I find them intriguing and fun to learn about. I enjoy the things that make me unique, and my pectus is one of those things. But it will soon be gone... And I've only been able to use it as an excuse to get out of heavy work for the past year... Truly unfortunate that it must be corrected so soon so I can no longer play the "I'm limited, I can't help with (insert project/activity name here)." card after surgery and recovery.

     I got a really good blessing from the missionaries this week, though, and I'll get one from my dad before the surgery as well. I've already heard from a lot of people who have said they will be praying for me, and are thinking of me. I've been told my name has been placed on the list in the temple prayer roll. I'm feeling really blessed and loved at the moment. I'm just hoping God can pick up the rest because there's no way I can handle the stress and misery of this by myself. I'll get on and write a Post-Op once I'm feeling a bit better.

Addiction & Leaving the Church

     Before you read any of my post, please watch this video. Quick preface, it is a TED Talk. There are things TED Talks cover that I don't agree with. In this video specifically there are a few lines I disagree with. But overall I think it's absolutely amazing and illuminating, so please watch before reading further:

(Video not showing up? Click here)

There's also an article that adds a bit more to the discussion that you can access here 

.

    Alright, hopefully you've watched the video by now. I watched it for the first time earlier this week because someone had shared it on Facebook. I won't lie, it sort of blew my mind at first. As I thought about it more, it made sense. Really it did. But starting out, like he mentioned, I had been taught that addiction was all about the chemical hooks. I believed it. I thought it was something wrong with me chemically and spiritually, and that I just needed to tackle it on my own, and if I couldn't overcome it, then I must be a failure.

     For those of you who have read my blog before, you know that my primary addictions have been pornography and masturbation. Those are the addictions I relapse on most frequently, but I'm also addicted to self-harm, food, video games, etc. My first exposure to pornography and masturbation happened when I was about 10 or 11 years old.

     One thing the video and article touched on that really got me thinking was they mentioned that trauma makes it difficult to trust people, and therefore difficult to feel connected, and therefore make you prone to addictions. I looked back on my own life, my past, to see what I could identify, and needless to say there was a fair amount. I was physically and emotionally mistreated by people I trusted when I was young, I was bullied a lot from elementary school, up until I graduated high school. I was excluded from peer groups within my own ward. Scouts and young mens activities were difficult for me. I rarely felt like I belonged, I observed that sometimes I was treated differently than my peers, and I didn't have any male friends.

   

     I had a male friend when I was young. I talked about him in My Story. I remember loving his friendship. I enjoyed spending time with him. Everything seemed to be going well, until sexual exploration entered our relationship. At the time, I think both he and I were too young to understand what we were doing. It was driven by curiosity, and it just seemed like part of our relationship. We were caught a few times, though, and he would be quickly sent home, and I would usually receive some type of punishment. I remember how shocked my parents were each time... I remember how much confusion and pain I felt. Here was a relationship I valued, that had an aspect I didn't fully understand, and I was told very strongly that it was wrong and bad, and needed to end. This friend and I eventually stopped spending time together. We got into a fight, and he moved away shortly after. This all happened when I was probably only 8 or 9. The experience was traumatic enough, though, that I feared friendships with boys. I never wanted my parents to react that like that around me again, I never wanted to go through the pain of losing a friend again, and I tied all of the emotions to boys. I decided that I never wanted another friend that was a boy again.

     That resolve did not hold, of course. I ended up needing male friendships, craving them, praying for them. I would watch the Lord of the Rings movies, and then go to my room and cry myself to sleep. Seeing the friendship that Frodo and Sam had was something I craved so deeply that anytime I watched the movies, I was reminded of what I didn't have, and felt like I couldn't have, and would become depressed. The same was true in my daily life. When I saw true male friends interacting with each other, I would come home and cry.

     When I found pornography, it became a replacement. I didn't feel like I could ever have real male friends in this life, but I could convince myself I was having a relationship through pornography. My searches for pornography were rarely random. They would instead focus on a few individuals that I felt I had some form of relationship with. Was it a false and unhealthy relationship? Yes. Most definitely. But it was all I felt I could have in this life. Masturbation was a similar situation. I would use it to create synthetic relationships in my mind, though other times I would just use it in an attempt to numb the pain and loneliness.

     Now that I finally have real relationships with men in my life, I feel like my addictions are better than they were in the past, but they're not gone yet. I have connection in my life like I never have had before, but I still isolate at times. When I go to church, I sit alone. I don't feel like I have friends in my ward. When I was in the Pathway program, I would sit alone during class. I have people in my immediate life that I have connection with, but I lack external connections that I feel are necessary, too.

     I feel like I'm jumping all over with this post... I came here with a specific goal in mind, and instead got distracted by my own life and thoughts.

     What I really want to write in this post is a thought/comparison I had about the idea of connection. A theme I've noticed in my life this past month has been people that my family and friends know who are gay have been leaving the church to pursue romance with members of the same gender. A friend my older sister had in high school came out as gay a while ago. At the time he was a member of the church. Just recently, he married his same-sex partner. A member of my home ward who is a bit younger than me who also came out as gay not too long ago recently decided to leave the church, and now has a boyfriend. My best friend had a guy he was meeting with who is gay that he was trying to reactivate in the church, and it seemed to be going well, but just a couple weeks ago, he told my friend he is no longer interested in the church, and now has a boyfriend.

     I've been perplexed, I guess. A big mistake I've been making for quite some time now is assuming that those who leave the church, for any number of reasons, are leaving because they just aren't strong enough, or because they're just making poor decisions. I want to apologize for thinking this way. I really do. I've been working on myself, trying to become more loving and understanding. I'm making progress, but I have a ways to go still. The reason I bring this up is that the TED Talks video realy changed my perspective on it this week.

     I want to make clear that I'm not comparing same-sex attraction to addiction. I'm very aware that it's a different issue entirely. But I believe that connection has much more prevalence in our life than just helping us overcome addiction. I had a thought this week... what if these people are leaving the church because they are not getting their needs met in their wards, and from friends and family? As a gay man myself, I know how desperately I need real physical connections with people, especially men. And I also know how difficult it is to find that in the LDS culture. The LDS doctrine may be true, but wow... LDS culture is honestly corrupt in some ways. So if they have innate needs, that aren't being met in the church, where can they turn? Well, to romance of course. That's what our culture dictates. If I need a hand to hold, I either need to be a young and cute child, or I need to be romantically involved. If I go to church and hold hands with my male best friend, the assumption for most would be that we are romantically involved.

     I think I understand now why I've heard some LGBT members of the church say they need to leave the church otherwise they'll take their life. I can't speak for people, but I can't help but feeling that maybe they're right... not in the sense of doctrine, but culture... they have innate physical needs that they need met in order to be healthy, but culture dictates that they can't have it unless it's romantic and sexual... so they leave. And I honestly don't think I can say I blame them anymore... I used to. I used to be judgmental of those who left, but I think I understand now... at least part of it...

     Do I want people to leave the church? No. I feel sorry for them. Really, I do. They should have been loved, they should have been shown that they mattered. As a church that claims to represent Christ, we should be completely loving. Not just accepting. I think accepting is less of an issue in our culture (though still an issue). I think love is where we lack. I don't feel comfortable asking for hugs from my ward, even from my own bishop sometimes. That shouldn't be the case. I should feel comfortable approaching members of my ward and expressing my needs. I should likewise be willing to meet the needs of those who express them to me as far as I am able.

     Now I want to point out that agency is most definitely a factor. I don't believe life should be all rainbows and butterflies. Membership in the church can be hard sometimes, there will be trials of our faith, and the actions of the members around us should not dictate our spiritual journey and well-being... at the same time, however, we desperately need love in our congregations.... Sometimes I feel the need to shout it from the pulpit, but I really don't know if it would change anything... The change needs to start with me. I need to be someone who expresses love to those around me, the same love I always craved, but rarely received. If I don't, there's little hope of me changing anything.

     Just a couple weeks ago, I was sitting next to someone in my ward who is comfortable with physical touch. It was so nice to have someone I could sit next to in sacrament meeting, and give a back scratch to. I could see some members squirming in discomfort in seeing the display of affection, especially when we were in elder's quorum. But you know what? I'm thankful I had that opportunity. He's out of the ward for now because he left for college, but having someone I can be a cultural example with during church was a great opportunity.

     One other thing I just thought of that could be a great help to addicts, LGBT members, and really anyone with any kind of trials in their life, would be to stop the culture of shaming... the video mentions that shaming addicts doesn't help them overcome addictions, and often just exacerbates the issue. Couldn't the same be said for other situations? For me, I already believe I'm a horrible sinner and terrible person. I'm trying to change that false belief and hatred I have about myself, but it is never helped when people walk up to the pulpit and preach about how such and such are such awful sins, and how everyone needs to repent, etc. etc. etc. Don't get me wrong, these things need to be discussed. Repentance especially is a core part of the gospel of Christ. But I know about repentance, I know I sin and fall short... What I need is a hospital, a place I can go to be loved and healed, not ridiculed and simply diagnosed. Rather than talk about how addictions are awful and make you unworthy, let's discuss how to love addicts and help them come out of cycles. Rather than talk about how evil gay marriage is, lets discuss how to love our LGBT members and keep them active in the church. Rather than talk about how tea and coffee are terrible, let's discuss how to help each other become healthier, and maybe stop eating sugar-loaded foods at church activities.

     I've known other people in my life who have left the church because they felt persecuted and judged. I love these people. I want them to come back to the church. And while I don't know their whole story, I can't help but wonder if the persecution they felt led to a lack of connection which was then attributed to the LDS Church, and I really can't blame them for leaving because they were mistreated. Yes, you shouldn't let members dictate your testimony. If people in my life did, with the way I've treated people in my past, some of them likely would leave the Church, too. But that's not an excuse to be complacent. The culture in the church needs to change. We shouldn't just love people when they're going through a crisis, or when they're returning to the gospel... They should be loved always, because you never know when they may feel disconnected enough that they turn away.

     I really feel so strongly that I want to better connect to the people in my ward. I really want to make an effort to do it. I want to change culture, I need to change culture, even if it's just my own personal culture, if I have any hope of staying an active member. I need connection in my life, and I am so thankful for those I do have who are willing to give it to me. My best friend, my family, and especially God. I've struggled with loving people in the past, I struggle with loving myself, but in both areas I'm slowly improving. My desire right now is that everyone has the ability to feel connected and loved. Ideally this means people in your life love you coupled with the love of God. But I understand that's not the case for everyone, and I can only imagine how hard that must be, but I believe that God can make up the difference, and make it right somehow. Hold on. You are loved. Reach out to those around you. Show them that you love them, too. Together, maybe we can make this world a better place.

Much Love,
     Mitchell Clark.

The Broken Wire

     This April, I had a lot going on...

     Early in the month I found out that I have borderline personality disorder. This came as somewhat of a shock, honestly. I mean in reality, when I first found out, I didn't even know what borderline was. I've struggled emotionally, socially, and mentally in certain ways most of my life, but I've only ever been officially diagnosed with depression and anxiety, and so all of the other issues I had I just assumed were a result of me being a "bad" person. Finding out I have borderline was a mixed bag of emotions...

      It was great to finally have answers. I could finally pinpoint behavioral and emotional issues and where they come from, and I could even make sense of issues in my past. I have answers now that I never had before. But on the same coin, I now have lots of new questions... Where do I go now? Now that I know the source, what can I do to fix it, to cope, or at least regulate my borderline episodes?

     Needless to say, this discovery of borderline has been a big source of stress...

     About a week after finding out that I have borderline, through talking to my friends and family about things I thought were just normal, I was recommended to go to a cardiologist. See, I was born with a pectus excavatum which is a condition where the ribs and sternum sink in, making a crater-like dent in the middle of the chest. Since I've only ever lived in my body, I thought it was totally normal to occasionally get piercing chest pains, shortness of breath, dizziness, and vomiting while working out or even in other less intense situations. I thought that at least it was because I wasn't in the best of shape (and that may be part of it). But I found out more recently that maybe that's not so normal... at least, not for other people. So, with concern from family and friends, and doing my own research, I decided it best to meet with a cardiologist.

     Upon going in, the cardiologist (well technically he's a cardiothoracic surgeon) said my pectus definitely looked deep enough to cause functional limitations, and ordered some tests to be done to measure how much of an effect it is having to confirm whether or not I should get/need to get surgery. The first test was an EKG, and the results of said test were that I have a "normal irregular" heartbeat (literally, that's what they told me), and also, my heart is not in the normal location within the chest. Instead, my heart is to the left, and close to the surface. The other two tests I did, which included a breath test and ultrasound on my heart both came back pretty normal, at least according to the technicians, and I still have a few more tests to do. So, I don't have an answer yet, but that's been happening.

     So yes, this was most definitely stressful. Especially considering that in the beginning, my main concern was that my aorta could potentially be dilated, and therefore at risk for bursting, but the tests so far have at least somewhat eased that fear. But, if you add on top of this the fact that about a week earlier I learned that I have borderline, then, yeah.... April was.... stressful....

     So almost all of April I was stressing about my borderline and my pectus excavatum and the potential health problems it may be causing, plus on top of that the normal stress of work, school, callings, etc.

     To top it all off, just a few days ago, my car broke down. Now, car breakdowns are traumatic and stressful experiences for me (as I'm sure they are for many people), especially because I work 40 minutes from home. So late on Thursday night I call my insurance company to tow my car to the repair shop, and call my dad to pick me up. On top of everything I've been stressing about, I now have car issues to worry about that could be expensive, and if it took a long time to fix, would also make it difficult to get to work.

     Well, Friday afternoon I get a call from the repair shop. They told me they found the problem, and it was just a little wire that connected to the ignition, and that was why the car died. The repair shop very generously fixed the small wire without cost, and once my father got home from work, he took me to pick up my car.

     Driving home, I had an interesting thought. What if all of the things I'm dealing with in this life are just little broken wires? What if my experiences seem so traumatic at the time, but once the problem is fixed, I can look back with a smile, a laugh, and a sigh of relief and realize it was something so small compared to the grand scheme of things? What's funny is I realized this is my "normal". Borderline personality disorder may seem alien to other people, in fact, most people don't even know what it is. I didn't know what it was until a month ago, yet I've been living it for years. But you know what? It's my "normal". My pectus excavatum and the issues that come with it are my "normal". I am my "normal". Now, that's not to say I don't need to change or fix things in my life, but that is to say that I can laugh, smile, and see the humor in being me as I seek to become a better person.

     Knowing my issues, my struggles, my quirks, helps me to figure out who I am, and who I can become. It's not an accident that I'm same-sex attracted, or that I'm an addict, or borderline, or deal with health issues relating to a pectus. No, it's no coincidence or accident. God knew that I needed all of these things to grow. And rather than wallow in fear and pain, I can look up to Heaven and smile while my heart beats to its "normal irregular" heartbeat. Life is so amazing. Of course, being borderline, I mean that now, but in a few minutes I might hate life. But that doesn't make my first statement untrue, because eventually I'll laugh again and realize life it amazing.

     This experience also taught me that Christ is the ultimate healer and mechanic. He has already paid the ultimate price, and all He asks is that I come with a broken heart and contrite spirit, and willingly accept His assistance. He can fix my broken wires, and He can make me whole. Of course, because Christ knows what is best for me, He may not fix everything right away. In fact, some things I may have to wait a lifetime to repair, but in the end I know that Christ will fix me and make me whole. And one day, I will look back on my broken wires, and I will smile and laugh and cry with gratitude for the experiences I had that shaped me and helped me grow, and I will have my loving Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ to thank for all of it. For without them, there would be no broken, and there would be no fixed, and there would be no me. And, despite all of the broken parts, it really is amazing to be me.

     My testimony tonight is one of God's love for me. I know He loves me. I know He has given me these circumstances that I may grow and progress. I know that the gospel of Jesus Christ is the one true gospel, and that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is where I belong, and what I need to progress to be with my Father in Heaven again. Struggles come, but it's okay. It's just me, and I want to live my "normal irregular" life to the fullest, and become the best 'me' that I can be.

The Power of Song

Music has the power to do so much good, or so much bad, and I have seen that manifested many many times in my personal life.

Recently in my life I have felt very overwhelmed physically (work, school, etc.), emotionally (anxiety, depression, etc.), and spiritually (callings and responsibilities at Church, personal study and prayer, etc.). In all honesty, my testimony has been pretty weak for the past few months, not in regards to any particular subject, and I don't really have doubts, but just in the sense that I haven't been nurturing my testimony as much as I should. I haven't been saying my prayers, I haven't been reading the scriptures, etc. and so my testimony has weakened a bit, but now I'm working on getting it strong again.

I attended one semester at UVU, but it wasn't working with my work schedule, so I left after the first semester and started looking at other options. I was thinking of online, and had basically decided on an online college when my best friend's mom mentioned something called Pathway through BYU-Idaho that is mostly online, and has weekly gatherings locally. I looked it up, and felt it was definitely the right option, and signed up even though it was 2 days past the deadline, but I got in! While it's only my second week attending gatherings and institute, I honestly feel like it is the right place for me, and the spiritual environment is so important for me right now. The fact that we talk about God and the Church and its doctrines so openly, and apply it to what we're learning is fantastic, as it has helped me stay on track with my faith.

Now, on to the main subject (or what I planned to be the main subject...) of this post. Tonight, after attending gathering through Pathway, I went out to my car feeling a sense of exhilaration and euphoria that only comes from having had a spiritual experience (at least in my life). I felt so good, and I just wanted to share it with everyone. The times I most often get this feeling is after very spiritual experiences or circumstances such as after watching a Church-made video, watching a touching conference talk, watching a great Voice(s) of Hope video, having a great institute class, etc. Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is I love feeling like that, and it's a feeling that makes me want to tell everyone how good I feel, and how good God is, and that Jesus is the Christ and Savior of the world, and that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and the Book of Mormon are absolutely true.

Already having really exhilarating emotions and feelings, I turned on my music while driving home from Pathway, and as I often do, turned my music up fairly loud and sang along. Sometimes when I sing in my car, it's a soft quiet singing, or even sometimes just humming. Sometimes it's more average volume/intensity singing. But when I'm really feeling the Spirit, really on that emotional and spiritual "high", I sing with enthusiasm, confidence, praise, etc. and really pour my heart into my singing, usually singing with so much gusto that my voice cracks, or I start coughing because I don't have water in my car to moisten my throat, or I start crying because I really get into it and it's a very spiritual song. But in those moments, it doesn't matter. I'm singing along to my Christian music, and feel closer to God than I have more recently.

Tonight, I just wanted to share with you all the 4 songs that touched me most on my drive home. The 4 songs that I sang most enthusiastically, the 4 songs that really made a difference, the 4 songs that helped me strengthen my love of God and His gospel tonight.

The first song that played when I got in my car was In Christ Alone by Owl City

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Second notable song was Stolen by Brandon Heath

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Third is Strangely Dim by Francesca Battistelli

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And the last is Find You On My Knees by Kari Jobe

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(I do not own the rights to any of these songs, or the videos used to show them)

So why do I share all of this? Because I love Christian music. Because I love God. Because I love how I feel tonight. Because I want others to feel this way, too. Because I know how much good music can do, and I want to teach people to use music to bring them closer to God. Because if I didn't share, I would be totally selfish and ignoring the first big prompting I've received in months.

Life has been hard recently. My testimony has been week. But tonight, I got a glimpse of what life could be like, of what I would feel like, if I let God back into my life and I start nurturing my testimony again and living my life in such a way as to invite the Holy Spirit to be with me. Christian music is an amazing thing. Jesus Christ lives and atoned and died for all of us. The Church is true. And while my testimony may not be rock-solid right now, at least I know those two things are true.