Monday, September 30, 2013

I Love You...

     So much for me saying I wanted to blog about this the day after my last post "Update: This Crazy Week I've Lived". Well, the past few days have presented their own form of crazy. Lots going on, not enough time to get on the computer to type. So this is why I'm finally taking care of this post today. But lucky me, I got to go through some more experiences that better prepared me to do this post.
     As stated in my last post, I've fallen for one of my best friends, and he has expressed that he shares those feelings towards me. It has been hard not to pursue a relationship with him because part of me wants that, to feel close and intimate with him beyond what a friendship can bring. There has also been a large part of me, however, that realizes that is not what I want spiritually, and it's definitely not what I want for him.
     I was thinking the other day about what would happen if I were to pursue a relationship with him. He and I had both expressed a desire to be with each other beyond friendship, but if we were to take that path, what would it bring? Where would we both be later on if we made this decision? Would I actually be happy?
     One of the biggest factors for me regarding my decision was my feelings for him. No, I don't just mean attraction or infatuation, I mean the actual love for him that I have, the part of me that sees him as a son of God, that sees the infinite potential he has, and that desires him to be happy and successful in every way. That part of me, that desire I have to see him reach the highest level of glory and happiness is what has driven my decisions. As good as it may feel to cross the line with him, either by pursuing relationship or by acting out, ultimately my desire to see both he and I reach the Celestial Kingdom is more important to me than mortal gratification.
     I truly believe and support the teachings of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and I agree with their teachings on marriage and morality. It is because of this belief, because of the testimony and personal revelation I have received that I know the choices I'm making regarding my relationship with him is right. I have never felt the way I feel about him before, but it is because of that love that I am able to see his potential, and I am able to care about him spiritually rather than simply physically.

     I'm not trying to say it has been easy, in fact it has been very hard. It's hard to resist temptations and desires which are so strong and real. We've gotten close to crossing the line, but were able to avoid making mistakes together. It's because of these situations that we've been able to look at our friendship and reevaluate. We've both been working on boundaries in our friendship to keep one another safe. We've reached compromises and been able to take our relationship, as full of temptation and passion as it can be, and make it more healthy and spiritually fulfilling.
    It has been a process, and it's been hard. We are still working on it each day, and as painful as it can be sometimes, I've felt closer to God because of it. I've been able to open my eyes, my spiritual eyes, and see my friend as the son of God that he really is, and be able to care for him far beyond just physical and mortal matters.
    One question, concern, (whatever you'd like to call it), that has been brought up to me, and I'm sure will continue to be brought up, is why I don't just pursue a relationship with him. Why not give in? If you both love each other, is it really wrong? Who's to say the Church is correct in it's teachings? Why would God give you feelings for each other if it's wrong? And all sorts of things like that.
     My answer to all of those is that I know what is right and wrong, I have a testimony that I cannot deny, I believe in what the Church teaches, and I love my friend far more than just as an object or life-long partner. I couldn't enter a relationship with him knowing the consequences that will follow in the coming life for both of us. I just couldn't bring myself to harm him or myself like that.
     But Mitchell, if a relationship with him would bring you happiness (which to a degree, it would), why not just go for it? My answer to this question is that I have felt more love, more happiness, more fulfillment and belonging, more understanding and hope when I'm feeling the spirit, when I'm close to God, when I'm doing what I know God wants me to, when I receive a blessing, when I go to the temple, etc. than I have ever felt "fulfilling" my attractions towards the same-sex by acting out or even just considering a relationship. Even though I admittedly struggle with my spirituality at times, as I'm sure everyone does, I also know what it feels like when I am close to God, when I have those spiritual experiences. And I would not trade those for anything. I've received more fulfillment and happiness from God and living His commandments than anything this world could give me.

     I love you all! Storms may arise, in fact storms will arise, challenges will present themselves, doubt and fear may sink in, conflicting emotions and ideas may arise, but so long as I stick to what I know and believe, I will be ok, I will feel love and comfort in the Savior's arms.


  1. Spoken like a true disciple.

  2. Mitchell, your words touched me, humbled me. Your love for you friend as a child of God first and foremost is truly beautiful. That is the way for any of us to view our loved one, not wanting to cause spiritual harm. You inspire me.

    I, too, "have felt more love, more happiness, more fulfillment and belonging, more understanding and hope when I'm feeling the spirit, when I'm close to God....,And I would not trade those[spiritual experiences] for anything. I've received more fulfillment and happiness from God and living His commandments than anything this world could give me." I have experienced being filled with the Love of God that is beyond words and surpasses understanding. It is completely fulfilling and yet you know, even as it fills you, that there is more, and your can't open your soul enough to receive it all, because if pours in as fast as you're able to open your soul more to receive more. It gives both fulfillment and yearning for more at the same time -- a yearning that cannot be fulfilled in this life, because one's soul cannot open wide enough here, but there's the knowledge that one day it will be able to bear it ALL, and it is " the most desirable above all things,,,Yea, and the most joyous to the soul."

    The opposite, the hunger and thirst that want more but are never fulfilled, like dreaming of eating or drinking but awaking to be hungry and thirsty still, is the a path that moves toward darkness -- it might satisfy a "hunger" for a moment, even a hunger for love, but the "high" doesn't last. It leads away from the true fulfillment that the Love of God brings, and away from God.

    There are only the two: the Love of God, is totally fulfilling and leads only to more love and more good, it is God-ward; with the other, the "high" or moment of bliss is temporary, but doesn't fulfill the soul in a lasting way; it is moving away from God and can never lead to the total fulfillment, and feeling of fulfillment, that can only be found in the Love of God -- a Love growing in us "brighter and brighter unto the perfect day."

    May God bless you in the path you have chosen and keep your feet fixed upon it, no matter what. Thank you again for sharing your experiences and thought. I was uplifted and moved by your words. I feel a great love and gratitude for you. You're right that there will always be struggles. The stronger we become through them, the more certain there will be other, stronger, ones.I've learned to truly follow Christ we must follow him in suffering, too. We don't seek it out, but it does find us. It's perhaps, in some ways, the greatest teacher of all.

    1. I don't think I could've said it better myself! Thank you so much Babatta, I really appreciate all you shared, and I totally agree. I'm so happy to hear you've felt God's love so strong, it's a feeling all His children deserve, but not all take advantage of, including myself sometimes.
      Thank you again for what you shared! Your comment is one of those comments that could be it's own post because it's so true and wonderful. Thank you for sharing!

      I hope God continues to bless you, and all His other children to feel of His love and continue on the path to true happiness. Thanks again for all that you shared!

      With sincere gratitude and love,
      -Mitchell C

  3. It strikes me that the kind of love you have for your friend, above and beyond romantic love, is charity -- the pure love of Christ. And this love will endure forever. It will never fail.

    1. Thank you Babatta. It's definitely something I need to keep working on and improving. I have to be careful to keep the love good and not let Satan taint it with temptation or poor decisions, and if and where those situations arise, I have to put up more walls and boundaries to stay on the Lord's path.

      Thank you for everything you shared!

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