Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Update: This Crazy Week I've Lived

     This week has been, well, interesting. A roller-coaster of emotions, new experiences, new challenges, re-evaluation, falling away, coming back, finding God again, self-searching, comfort, heart ache, love, pain, falling of tears, finding happiness, searching for answers, accomplishment, pride, humility, broken hearts, etc etc. In short, this week was one of the most filled weeks of my life because I went from happiness to sadness then back to happiness again.
     My video shoot for the Voices of Hope project was this Sunday. The entire process was a roller coaster in and of itself. I felt confident for my shoot going into it. I received an absolutely amazing and comforting blessing just before filming promising me so many wonderful things, and I felt sure it would go well. Halfway through my shoot I had a break to go outside and get some fresh air (I was super sweaty and stressed). One of my good friends had come with me to my shoot and came outside with me. I just stood there lost in my own thoughts.
     I wanted to quit shooting my video, I didn't feel like I was saying what I needed to, I didn't feel like I was being myself. The blessing promised me that I would be able to feel God's love for me, that I would be able to say what I needed to, and feel comfort and fulfillment when I was done with my shoot, but I just wasn't feeling it. After a long break of explaining my feelings to my friend, receiving his support, and finally making my decision to quit my video shoot, the crew came out to see if I was ready to start filming again, and I told them I wasn't feeling it today, that I didn't want to continue.
     One of the directors, who I consider my friend, took me aside and had me talk to him about it. He was actually the one who had given me the blessing. I expressed my concerns to him, told him I wanted to be done, and he told me exactly what I needed to hear. I felt the spirit so strong as he talked to me. He told me I was feeling this was because I had my whole shoot planned out, I had it rehearsed and knew exactly what I wanted to say and how I wanted to say it. I was relying on my preconceived idea of how it should go and not letting the spirit talk through me. He assured me that I could finish it, and that I wasn't feeling those promises from the blessing because I wasn't done fulfilling this task for God.
     After my talk with him, I felt a conviction to get out there and finish my shoot, even if it was hard for me, even if I didn't like how it went, I had to completely jump into God's arms and trust Him to lead me and trust Him to help it turn out alright. I was terrified when I sat back in front of the camera, but I finished my shoot letting the words flow from my mouth and feeling confident that God would help me through it. When my shoot was finally over, I felt comfort, I knew my part was over, that God would take care of the rest. It was a huge learning experience for me, and I will be forever grateful to God, to my friend who gave me the blessing and talked me through wanting to give up, and my friend who came with me to support me and helped me process my emotions.
     So yes, after much struggle and doubt, my video shoot actually turned out.
     I fell in love this week, well actually, have been for the past 3 weeks. This was such a big part of my roller coaster, but due to time and trying to gather my thoughts, I'll expound more on this in my next post. However, for now I'll leave it at this. Yes, I fell in love with a friend of mine who is male. No, I am not leaving the Church. No, he and I are not going to pursue any romantic relationship. And finally, nothing regarding my faith or relationship with the Church is going to change and he and I are going to work through this and put up boundaries with each other so that we can keep safe and not cross any lines.
     There is a lot more I want to blog about, but unfortunately I have to head into work now, so that'll have to wait until tomorrow.

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