It is at times like this when I feel the most vulnerable, when I feel utterly lost and worthless. When I feel that I fail at being a friend, that I can't do anything right, that I can't make a difference in the world. This is when I have to realize no matter how tempting it is to return to my past behaviors that gave me comfort, relief, even temporary "happiness" that it would only take what I already have and throw it back down again. I have to realize that no matter how much I hate myself right now, that I can't self-sabotage. No matter how alone, hurt, and/or betrayed I feel, that I can't isolate. I can't resort to self-harm, suicidal thoughts, indulging in my addictions, or any other destructive behaviors.
To be honest, my family relationships are struggling, and I recognize that it is mainly my fault. My spirituality has been very poor recently. I haven't been getting down on my knees and praying at night, and it definitely hasn't been happening in the mornings. I haven't been reading my scriptures practically at all the past little while. I feel so blessed to have the wonderful friends I have now, and I do recognize it as such a big blessing, but I've been doubting myself and my ability to be a good and successful friend and to reciprocate in a relationship. All of these factors added together have led me to be struggling with myself emotionally, socially, and especially spiritually.
Thinking about all of this today, I had a conversation pop into my head that happens between Frodo and Sam in The Two Towers by J.R.R. Tolkein. The first part of the conversation has actually come to my mind many times before when my life truly seems to become completely overwhelming and hopeless. Frodo despairingly turns to Sam and says "I can't do this, Sam." This is a feeling I know all to well. Turning to God, to myself, to a friend, and saying "I can't do this." and truly believing it. Feeling hopeless, feeling stuck and at a complete stop in life not believing there is anywhere else to go and that the struggles of life have become too much to bear.
To Frodo, Sam then replies "I know." A surprising reply, to be validated that perhaps you truly cannot do it... at least, not alone. I truly believe that every person on this earth has struggles and trials that we truly cannot overcome on our own. We have to rely on others to support us and help us through, and more importantly, we have to rely on God and Christ, and the infinite power of Christ's atonement.
The entirety of the conversation between Frodo and Sam is as follows;
“Frodo: I can't do this, Sam.
Sam: I know. It's all wrong. By rights we shouldn't even be here. But we are. It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something.
Frodo: What are we holding onto, Sam?
Sam: That there's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo... and it's worth fighting for.”
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Two Towers
This was what reminded me today that yes, you know what? I can't do this on my own. I've been pushing God out of my life recently, I haven't been praying or reading my scriptures, I've been struggling with relationships, I haven't been doing my best because I need to rely on God.
I need to drop my stubborn pride, my fears, and whatever else, and turn myself back to God if I wish to overcome this and get myself back to a better place. It won't be easy, it'll be hard, but I need to realize that I can't do this on my own. I need support in my life, especially from God, and in order to receive that, I need to open myself to Him and be willing to trust him and turn to him.
Sometimes I don't want to know the end, because looking in the present, how could the end of, or the future, of my life be happy? How could my life go back to how it was when so much bad has happened? I have the chance to turn around, to give up, to resort to old behaviors, but I also have the chance to say "No, I'm not going to let this drag me down. I will get back up, I will turn myself back to God, and I will fight this fight because there is still good in my life. There is still good in the world, and it's worth fighting for."
So this is my commitment to my readers, but more importantly to myself and God. I will turn back to God, no matter how hard it may be, I will keep walking forward. My life is worth fighting for, and so I will fight for it. There is good in me, even if I can't currently see it, and I need to find that good and believe in myself.
I love you all so much, even you people who read my blog that I do not know at all or who have never left a comment or contacted me. Just the simple fact that you have spent time to read my blog, my journey, brings me the feeling of love, support, and the ability to influence others for good. May God bless us all continually, and may we ever learn to turn to Him, even when it is hard, even when we are struggling. God be with you til' we meet again