Sunday, February 23, 2014

Found

     This last Sunday, I endured one of the darkest experiences of my life, matched only by the lowest day of my life back when I was in inpatient treatment. Hiting such a low point emotionally, feeling absolutely hopeless and lost, I let myself go and allowed myself to be inhabitted by an evil spirit that was not my own. I will not go into detail of what I experienced that night, as I do not feel it is necessary, but I will say I felt dark, miserable, inhuman, and ultimately terrified.
     In my darkest moment that night, God knew my needs, and my best friend called me. My best friend, out of concern and love, came to my house at 10:30 pm Sunday night to be with me and give me a blessing. I was able to overcome the evil in me as he was on his way over and went and spoke with my dad, telling him all that had happened. My dad just expressed love to me, and was totally willing to give me a blessing with my friend.
     Once my friend arrived I had calmed down enough to be rational. As he and my father prepared to give me a blessing, I just let myself breathe and relax, and pray to God. The second my friend and my dads hands rested on my head, peace, warmth, and love rushed through me and before my dad even started the blessing, I began crying.
     For the first time in months I felt God speaking to me. I listened to the blessing, and can remember bits and pieces, but the thing that stuck with me most was the feeling I had. For the first time in what seemed like forever, I could feel God holding me, I could hear Him speaking, and while I didn't know exactly what He said, I knew He loved me and was with me in that moment. Once the blessing was finished, I hugged my father and my friend crying, feeling God with me having just experienced one of the most spiritual moments of my life after hitting one of my deepest lows.

     My friend spent some time with me that night before going home, and because he was a return missionary, I decided to ask him to teach me as a missionary would. During the deep depression I had hit last week, my testimony had shattered and scattered, and while I had some pieces in tact, I had lost a lot. I decided I wanted to start from "square one" again, beginning with being taught by a missionary (something I had never done before) and it has been so amazing.
     I have a lot of work to do, and a lot of knowledge to regain, I have a relationship with God that needs rebuilding, and I need to learn to hear His voice and trust that He can speak to me. As hard as it will be, I want to feel how I felt during and after my blessing on Sunday every day of my life. I want to hear God speak to me, I want to want to do His will and stay forever true to Him. As hard as Sunday and the week before was, I will never forget how I felt when utter peace and comfort overcame me during that blessing, and when I felt God closer to me than I ever had prior to that moment.
     Building back my testimony is going to be hard work. I'm not talking about my morals, those are still in tact, but the basis of my testimony needs strengthening and renewal, and I can never forget hearing God's voice, feeling His arms around me. Life is beautiful, it really is, and no matter how many times I get lost, it's beautiful to know I can always be found again.
 
 

1 comment:

  1. You are so blessed to have such a good friend :-)

    ReplyDelete