At my 12-step addiction recovery meeting last week one of the missionaries, an elderly man named Elder Lundt, who has always been kind to me, and said many kind things to me handed me a poem and told me to take it. He gave it to me after the meeting had concluded. He had read the poem to everyone during the meeting, crying while he did because the spirit touched him. He said the poem was so meaningful to him, and he gave me a copy, but no one else in the meeting received one.
Today at my meeting, Elder Lundt made it a point to say hi to me, ask me how I was, and thank me for coming. We didn't have a facilitator and he asked me to be the first to share. I didn't feel worthy to share at all, this week hasn't been my best, yet out of everyone else, he chose me... I felt special, even though I still felt unworthy. I didn't share anything groundshaking, and felt lame after sharing. I figured for sure someone could have done a better job than me, and that it would've been better if I shared later in the meeting so I would have time to think of what to share, but he chose me to go first.
After the meeting, Elder Lundt approached me and said "I hope you didn't feel picked on last week when I handed you that poem. I just felt like you needed it." I felt warm inside when he said that. Elder Lundt, a missionary in a 12-step meeting I've only been attending for a few months, cared enough about me to feel like I needed something, and decided to act on it and hand me a poem that meant so much to him.
After that experience, as I was walking out of my meeting and driving home, I started thinking of how much people in my life love me, and how many times I'm oblivious or take it for granted.... So many people, even people I never ever thought would love me have expressed so much care for me.
God has blessed me so much with some of the most amazing people ever in my life. I have a family who loves me, even when I'm stubborn, rude, inconsiderate, closed, bitter, angry, or incapable of returning their level of love. I have the best friend in the world who holds me, hugs me, tells me he loves me, turns me to God, puts my name on the temple prayer role basically every week, and spends much of his time with me. I have people who I no longer have strong relationships with who still text me or call me, or say when they see me how much they love and care about me.
I've had trials in my life, but I've also had so many blessings that I so often forget.... God has spoiled me, and while I don't know why, and don't deserve it, He has chosen to give me so many people who love me so much more than I could ever comprehend, and one of the hardest things for me is knowing that, right now, since I don't love myself, that I can't love them as much as they love me because I don't know how..... yet.....
This week was full of bitter, stressful, & sad situations, but today I feel like I'm on top of the world. I don't know why God gave me such wonderful loving people in my life, but I do know one thing; I have a lot of gratitude needing to be given, and a lot of work to do to love others' as much as they love me. Life is amazing. And as much as so many people love me, I know there are ones who love me more, and that's my Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ.
Just one last thing I'll share is the poem Elder Lundt gave to me. It's a great poem, and I feel so blessed for it, and everything else I've been given in my life.
Your heart is breaking
Your mind is unclear
Your tired and restless and full of fear
Come to me-
You say words you shouldn't
You don't do things you should
You doubt and try to change,
but never think you could.
Come to me-
You thought an evil thought
You thought the thought again
You turned the thought to action and now your bound in sin.
Come to me-
You say "But I knew better, I belong to you"
Child, I am not surprised by anything you do.
I made you in my image I fashioned you with care,
When you cried tears into your pillow, remember I was there.
I have always been and always will be.
For even when you do those things, you still belong to me.
Even if you do these things, Oh child, don't you see?
Even if, even if, you still can come to me.
There is a secret place I have created where you may seek my face,
this place I have for you is called "The Father's Warm Embrace"
And when I have held you in my arms and rocked you, listening closely to your fears,
I will place you on my lap, and wipe away your tears.
Then, I will smile. A smile to let you know I am pleased.
For when you hurt and when you sinned, still- you came to me.
So, do not draw back from me my child,
I am Abba Father to you, remember in my words I said -Behold,
I make all things new.
I will forgive you, heal you, restore you,
I will shower you with grace.
I will never turn my back to you, but you will see my face.
On your journey home, when I see you I will run....
Even if, Even if, My child, even if just come.