Then there's the issue of figuring out time once I get in to college. I already have a 40+ minute commute to work, and 40+ minute commute back. That's over an hour of driving just to get to and from work. Then I have the issue of trying to figure out how many hours I'll even be able to work, and trying to find time for family and time to spend with my best friend David. Plus, on top of all that, my job is South of my home, while college will be North, making my daily commute significantly longer, cutting even further into my time. I'm trying to figure out if driving my car will even be worth it... or if I should get a pass for a bus or for the frontrunner.
I'm still battling addiction, and trying to figure out life. I'm working on becoming worthy to receive the Melchezidek Priesthood. I've been doing a lot better. Before Saturday (August 2nd) I was 4 days away from being a full month sober. Unfortunately I let my guard down and messed up Saturday, and immediately after the relapse I experienced old thinking habits and justifications resurface. Immediately I told myself I could just justify it, that it wasn't "really" a relapse, and if I didn't do it again, everything would be fine... above all, I just didn't want to "lose" the month of sobriety I was just days away from reaching.
As the day went on after my slip up, the truth started to hit me, and I realized I couldn't just justify it, and that I couldn't lie. It was a relapse and I just had to admit it. I was crushed. Going nearly a month was a huge feat for me, and knowing I had just lost it from one stupid decision that wasn't worth it at all made me feel hopeless, worthless, and lost. I became extremely depressed. I attempted to take my life, and was luckily unsuccessful, but it scared me.... scared me to think of what I had almost done, and that the consequence would be permanent...
After the failed attempt I was able to call my best friend David and work things out, stabilizing my emotions, and regaining hope. Since Saturday I've been clean, and have been doing a lot better.
Life has been crazy, and I have no idea how things will work out.... my personal relationship with God hasn't been the best, but I'm trying to make it better, and even with the struggle, I still know things will work out. There are lots of changes happening in my life, lots of things I'm scared for, but it will work out. Somehow.... I just need to trust God, and I've got the best friend in the world to help me through it.
Life can be hard, life can be scary, but looking back now, I'm so happy God has spared my life, even with all my dumb decisions, and that I'm still here to enjoy it. I have a great life, even if sometimes it's flawed or hard. I have a great family, a great home, a great job, the best friend in the world, and a God who doesn't turn His back on me no matter how many times I turn my back on Him. Is life worth the climb? Definitely.