Gay Marriage Legalized

     It has been a while since I've posted on my blog, and in the time I've not posted a lot has happened. One of the things which has been tugging at my mind a lot since its occurrence has been the legalization of gay marriage in Utah (my home state) and many other states in the U.S. The 184th Semiannual General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints was held October 4th-5th of this year (2014), the Monday immediately after the conference, the US Supreme Court made a decision (or rather indecision) effectively allowing states to freely practice same-sex marriages despite opposing votes within the state.
     The Monday morning after conference (October 6, 2014) I was listening to the local news radio (KSL) on my way to work when I heard about the legalization of gay marriage in Utah and other states. I was shocked, I was frustrated. I felt all feelings of love for my country dissipating. I didn't understand how God could let this happen.
     Despite my frustration, I recalled a talk given at the conference the day before. The talk was Loving Others and Living with Differences by Elder Dallin H. Oaks. The talk explained clearly how we, as Latter-day Saints, are to act in regards to the moral issues facing the world today.



Quotes pulled from Loving Others and Living with Differences by Elder Dallin H. Oaks

 



     "Like the Savior, His followers are sometimes confronted by sinful behavior, and today when they hold out for right and wrong as they understand it, they are sometimes called “bigots” or “fanatics.” Many worldly values and practices pose such challenges to Latter-day Saints. Prominent among these today is the strong tide that is legalizing same-sex marriage in many states and provinces in the United States and Canada and many other countries in the world..."
     "In dedicated spaces, like temples, houses of worship, and our own homes, we should teach the truth and the commandments plainly and thoroughly as we understand them from the plan of salvation revealed in the restored gospel. Our right to do so is protected by constitutional guarantees of freedom of speech and religion, as well as by the privacy that is honored even in countries without formal constitutional guarantees..."
     "In public, what religious persons say and do involves other considerations. The free exercise of religion covers most public actions, but it is subject to qualifications necessary to accommodate the beliefs and practices of others. Laws can prohibit behavior that is generally recognized as wrong or unacceptable, like sexual exploitation, violence, or terrorist behavior, even when done by extremists in the name of religion. Less grievous behaviors, even though unacceptable to some believers, may simply need to be endured if legalized by what a Book of Mormon prophet called “the voice of the people” (Mosiah 29:26)..."
     "On the subject of public discourse, we should all follow the gospel teachings to love our neighbor and avoid contention. Followers of Christ should be examples of civility. We should love all people, be good listeners, and show concern for their sincere beliefs. Though we may disagree, we should not be disagreeable. Our stands and communications on controversial topics should not be contentious. We should be wise in explaining and pursuing our positions and in exercising our influence. In doing so, we ask that others not be offended by our sincere religious beliefs and the free exercise of our religion. We encourage all of us to practice the Savior’s Golden Rule: “Whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them” (Matthew 7:12)..."
     "When our positions do not prevail, we should accept unfavorable results graciously and practice civility with our adversaries. In any event, we should be persons of goodwill toward all, rejecting persecution of any kind, including persecution based on race, ethnicity, religious belief or nonbelief, and differences in sexual orientation..."
     "As difficult as it is to live in the turmoil surrounding us, our Savior’s command to love one another as He loves us is probably our greatest challenge. I pray that we may understand this and seek to live it in all of our relationships and activities, in the name of Jesus Christ, amen."

     I realized that gay marriage being legalized is not the end of the world, and that the LDS Church will not fall apart or change its position just because the country's of the world may turn against God's teaching and legalize practices which God deemed sinful. I also realized that, even though I strongly disagree with same-sex marriage, the government is going to do what the voice of the people says, even if it is wrong, but that as a Church, we will continue to follow God's law regardless of laws erected by the government of the people.
     When I got home Monday night, I knelt down a prayed. I prayed more openly than I ever had in the past. I told God everything, all my feelings of doubt, fear, anger, frustration, and I asked him for direction. I asked Him where I was supposed to go now, what I was supposed to fight for, and where my focus should be. I found peace in accepting that the government is going to make their decisions, and I have every right to make mine.
     My new focus is not going to outright oppose the legality of gay marriage (as there is not much, if anything that can be done about that anymore), but instead focusing on keeping my religious freedom, and the religious freedom of the world. As a citizen of the U.S. it is my right, and duty, to defend my religious freedom, and the religious freedom of those around me. Since the legalization of gay marriage, religious rights have been under attack including threats of lawsuit against people refusing to perform marriage ceremonies for same-sex couples due to religious beliefs.
     A song came to mind this week that I feel really applies to the current moral situation of society.

Remain: Royal Tailor

I know you’re feeling weighted down
It’s all on your shoulders
I know the dreams in your head
Don’t look any closer

But I’m gonna make you stronger
Hold on just a little bit longer
‘Cause I’ll be there
When you feel like you’re going under
I’m gonna be there for you
Yeah yeah

The sky could fall
The ground could shake
The stars burn out
And seasons change
The time will pass
And beauty fade
But all my love will remain
All my love will remain
All my love will remain

When there’s a secret to tell
It’s locked and I’ll keep it close
And when you’re walking through fire
I’ll take you to streets of gold

Yeah I’m gonna make you stronger
Hold on just a little bit longer
‘Cause I’ll be there
When you feel like you’re going under
I’m gonna be there for you
Yeah yeah

The sky could fall
The ground could shake
The stars burn out
And seasons change
The time will pass
And beauty fade
But all my love will remain
All my love will remain
All my love will remain

And when the world all around you feels out of place
You can’t seem to find a familiar face
I’m here to remind you my love remains
And you know

The sky could fall
The ground could shake
The stars burn out
And seasons change
The time will pass
And beauty fade
But all my love will remain
All my love will remain
All my love will remain

     No matter what may happen in the world, even if the sky falls, the ground shake, the stars burn out, and seasons change God will always exist, He will always love me and all His children, and He will never forsake His Church. I know that even though the world has views very different to God's law right now, that God's law will not change. Whatever consequences the future holds for myself and people like me, and for my religion, I will stay true to my beliefs. I will stand for what I know what is right, and my opinion and stance will not be shaken. I will love all people even if we have differing opinions, and I will stay close to my Father in Heaven. 



Spoiled

     Today I realized very clearly that God has spoiled me. I have sooo many people in my life who love me so much, and I just take it for granted..... Maybe it's because I don't yet love myself like I should, or maybe it's because I'm oblivious to some things until it hits me in the face and I realize I took it for granted the whole time.
     At my 12-step addiction recovery meeting last week one of the missionaries, an elderly man named Elder Lundt, who has always been kind to me, and said many kind things to me handed me a poem and told me to take it. He gave it to me after the meeting had concluded. He had read the poem to everyone during the meeting, crying while he did because the spirit touched him. He said the poem was so meaningful to him, and he gave me a copy, but no one else in the meeting received one.
     Today at my meeting, Elder Lundt made it a point to say hi to me, ask me how I was, and thank me for coming. We didn't have a facilitator and he asked me to be the first to share. I didn't feel worthy to share at all, this week hasn't been my best, yet out of everyone else, he chose me... I felt special, even though I still felt unworthy. I didn't share anything groundshaking, and felt lame after sharing. I figured for sure someone could have done a better job than me, and that it would've been better if I shared later in the meeting so I would have time to think of what to share, but he chose me to go first.
     After the meeting, Elder Lundt approached me and said "I hope you didn't feel picked on last week when I handed you that poem. I just felt like you needed it." I felt warm inside when he said that. Elder Lundt, a missionary in a 12-step meeting I've only been attending for a few months, cared enough about me to feel like I needed something, and decided to act on it and hand me a poem that meant so much to him.
     After that experience, as I was walking out of my meeting and driving home, I started thinking of how much people in my life love me, and how many times I'm oblivious or take it for granted.... So many people, even people I never ever thought would love me have expressed so much care for me.
     God has blessed me so much with some of the most amazing people ever in my life. I have a family who loves me, even when I'm stubborn, rude, inconsiderate, closed, bitter, angry, or incapable of returning their level of love. I have the best friend in the world who holds me, hugs me, tells me he loves me, turns me to God, puts my name on the temple prayer role basically every week, and spends much of his time with me. I have people who I no longer have strong relationships with who still text me or call me, or say when they see me how much they love and care about me.
     I've had trials in my life, but I've also had so many blessings that I so often forget.... God has spoiled me, and while I don't know why, and don't deserve it, He has chosen to give me so many people who love me so much more than I could ever comprehend, and one of the hardest things for me is knowing that, right now, since I don't love myself, that I can't love them as much as they love me because I don't know how..... yet.....
     This week was full of bitter, stressful, & sad situations, but today I feel like I'm on top of the world. I don't know why God gave me such wonderful loving people in my life, but I do know one thing; I have a lot of gratitude needing to be given, and a lot of work to do to love others' as much as they love me. Life is amazing. And as much as so many people love me, I know there are ones who love me more, and that's my Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ.
     Just one last thing I'll share is the poem Elder Lundt gave to me. It's a great poem, and I feel so blessed for it, and everything else I've been given in my life.

 Even If

(by: unknown)

 

Even If;

Your heart is breaking

Your mind is unclear

Your tired and restless and full of fear

Come to me-

even if

You say words you shouldn't

You don't do things you should

You doubt and try to change,

but never think you could.

Come to me-

even if

You thought an evil thought

You thought the thought again

You turned the thought to action and now your bound in sin.

Come to me-

even if

You say "But I knew better, I belong to you"

Child, I am not surprised by anything you do.

I made you in my image I fashioned you with care,

When you cried tears into your pillow, remember I was there.

I have always been and always will be.

For even when you do those things, you still belong to me.

Even if you do these things, Oh child, don't you see?

Even if, even if, you still can come to me.

There is a secret place I have created where you may seek my face,

this place I have for you is called "The Father's Warm Embrace"

And when I have held you in my arms and rocked you, listening closely to your fears,

I will place you on my lap, and wipe away your tears.

Then, I will smile. A smile to let you know I am pleased.

For when you hurt and when you sinned, still- you came to me.

So, do not draw back from me my child,

I am Abba Father to you, remember in my words I said -Behold,

I make all things new.

I will forgive you, heal you, restore you,

I will shower you with grace.

I will never turn my back to you, but you will see my face.

On your journey home, when I see you I will run....

Even if, Even if, My child, even if just come. 

 

    

Climbing

    So my life has been moving a lot the past little while. I've applied for college, and am basically guaranteed to be accepted once my high school transcripts are received and entered. Once that happens, I will be going to LDS Business College for Fall Semester this year, and classes start September 10th. I'm super nervous and scared, especially since I've heard that college is harder than high school, and that there's more homework.... and I suck at doing homework.... in fact, the main reason I failed a few classes in high school was because I didn't do my homework.
    Then there's the issue of figuring out time once I get in to college. I already have a 40+ minute commute to work, and 40+ minute commute back. That's over an hour of driving just to get to and from work. Then I have the issue of trying to figure out how many hours I'll even be able to work, and trying to find time for family and time to spend with my best friend David. Plus, on top of all that, my job is South of my home, while college will be North, making my daily commute significantly longer, cutting even further into my time. I'm trying to figure out if driving my car will even be worth it... or if I should get a pass for a bus or for the frontrunner.
     I'm still battling addiction, and trying to figure out life. I'm working on becoming worthy to receive the Melchezidek Priesthood. I've been doing a lot better. Before Saturday (August 2nd) I was 4 days away from being a full month sober. Unfortunately I let my guard down and messed up Saturday, and immediately after the relapse I experienced old thinking habits and justifications resurface. Immediately I told myself I could just justify it, that it wasn't "really" a relapse, and if I didn't do it again, everything would be fine... above all, I just didn't want to "lose" the month of sobriety I was just days away from reaching.
     As the day went on after my slip up, the truth started to hit me, and I realized I couldn't just justify it, and that I couldn't lie. It was a relapse and I just had to admit it. I was crushed. Going nearly a month was a huge feat for me, and knowing I had just lost it from one stupid decision that wasn't worth it at all made me feel hopeless, worthless, and lost. I became extremely depressed. I attempted to take my life, and was luckily unsuccessful, but it scared me.... scared me to think of what I had almost done, and that the consequence would be permanent...
     After the failed attempt I  was able to call my best friend David and work things out, stabilizing my emotions, and regaining hope. Since Saturday I've been clean, and have been doing a lot better.
     Life has been crazy, and I have no idea how things will work out.... my personal relationship with God hasn't been the best, but I'm trying to make it better, and even with the struggle, I still know things will work out. There are lots of changes happening in my life, lots of things I'm scared for, but it will work out. Somehow.... I just need to trust God, and I've got the best friend in the world to help me through it.



     Life can be hard, life can be scary, but looking back now, I'm so happy God has spared my life, even with all my dumb decisions, and that I'm still here to enjoy it. I have a great life, even if sometimes it's flawed or hard. I have a great family, a great home, a great job, the best friend in the world, and a God who doesn't turn His back on me no matter how many times I turn my back on Him. Is life worth the climb? Definitely.
    

Name Change?

     If you've read my blog before, and just recently came back on to read this new post, or others, you may have noticed that I have changed the name of my blog. I promise you it is just that, a name change, and I'll explain why I changed the name of my blog from "Living My Faith With SSA" to "Gay, Single, & Mormon".
      When I first created my blog, it was as an expansion to my first blog which was part of an assignment in my Journalism class when I was a Senior in High School. When I made my second blog, I was still in class, and all my classmates would easily be able to link to it through my original blog, and as such I was tentative. I wanted my blog to be vague, yet still straight forward in its message, so that I could say what I needed to say without as much of a chance of backlash or offending someone.
     In the process of naming my blog, I also wanted to choose a name that clearly communicated on its own that I was a faithful member of the Church, and for me, using an acronym to explain same-sex attraction (SSA) seemed to communicate that more clearly than stating 'gay' in my title, so it's what I chose to use. I wasn't expecting my blog to be viewed by the world, just a few people, mainly those close to me. I hadn't thought the consequences out when choosing the name of my blog.
     For the past few months the name of my blog has been on my mind. I've been feeling like I want my blogs reach to be expanded. Not because I want a million views (I'm not even 1/10 of the way there), or because I think my blog is the best and I want everyone in the world to read it, it's because I want it to be available to someone searching for answers, or maybe even someone just searching and not knowing what they'll find.
     I've been thinking about the name of my blog, and yes the original name was great, but what it was missing is reach. A small portion of the world would ever use the acronym "SSA" to describe homosexual attractions, and I've been wishing I had thought through the name of my blog more thoroughly before naming it, but what's done is done, and I'm changing it now.
    While I was sitting in Church today, I had the distinct impression to change the name of my blog, and so I'm now following that impression. I hope it doesn't throw anyone off, or make me any enemies, I just felt like I needed to in order to reach more people searching or in need. And don't worry, despite the name change, nothing else (in my control) will be changing about this blog. It's still my main blog, and though it has been a long time since my last post, I will still try to post as frequently as I am prompted and have time.
     Love you all! I'm not sure what this change will bring, but I will trust with excited patience to see how things turn out. I know God must have had a purpose in it, and who knows, maybe I'll be the one to grow most from this.

Praise You In This Storm

    I've had a lot going on this past week; quitting my job, hitting 3 weeks of complete sobriety, weaning myself of my medication, trying to find God, etc. Through it all I've been on an emotional rollercoaster, switching between highs and lows quickly and unpredictably. For the first time in  the entire history of my blog, I got hate comments and even hate emails from people upset with my last post Gay Marriage. I can deal with hate emails and comments, I've been persecuted for my beliefs as well, but what hurt me most was to see people get so angry, and so hard-hearted over something I feel so strongly about and that I've had God confirm to me multiple times, and to see them turn against God because of a misunderstanding they've come to accept as truth.
     Throughout all the highs and lows, stress, and challenges this week, I've also been able to learn a lot, and grow closer to God. One thing I realized this week was that there are multiple pieces to "me". One negative belief I've had about myself for some time is that I am malicious and cruel, and there is a part of me who fits that role. That part of me represents the young me who put up walls, and sought to hurt people before they could hurt me. He is like a defense mechanism who has existed in my subconscious for years, often unseen. He carries all the hurt, pain, lies, and betrayal I've felt and experienced throughout my life, and he has been the one who lashes out at others because he's scared to be hurt anymore.
     It's like I'm just a big puzzle, and if anyone asked me who Mitchell Clark really is, I don't think I could answer them, because honestly he is so jumbled and broken, that I don't know who he is anymore. Is he a kind person, a loving person, a hateful person, malicious, cruel, caring? I don't know... to me, he is all of those, yet none of them at the same time. I am lost from myself, and I'm still trying to put the pieces back together to figure out who he is, who I am.
     I was able to see this part of myself yesterday while I was spending time with my best friend.  I remember telling him exactly how I felt, exactly who Mitchell is, and what he does, that he lashes out and stores every negative thing anyone has ever done to me or around me. I looked him in the eyes and said "Do you love him, do you love the real me? Does God love him too?" and with tears in his eyes my friend told me yes, and embraced me, and I started sobbing. Never had anyone told me they loved that part of me, and I didn't understand how anyone could. I have never liked that side of me, I've never understood him. How on earth could anyone ever love him? But there was no lie in the 'yes' my friend told me, and I had never felt my walls crumble like they did in that moment. All the masks, walls, facades, they all crumbled in that moment, and disappeared for a time, and that young, scared, hurt part of me was embraced and told he was loved, and all I could do was cry.
     It got me thinking of what it means to truly be loved, to be loved for every single part of me. Even the broken, lost parts. And that God loves me for ever single part of me that has ever existed, and that prior to that moment, I had been blind to that.
     On my way home I listened to a song I had downloaded on my phone a while ago, but had never really listened to. It was "Praise You In This Storm" by Casting Crowns, and the entire drive home from my friends house that night, I listened to the song on replay, singing a long, and crying the entire time, looking to Heaven, and wondering how God loves me like He does. I praised God that entire 40 minutes home, sobbing as I thought of what He had given me, sobbing as a little lost part of me started to come to the surface, and begin to be free. Throughout all the fear, pain, highs and lows, and craziness of life, particularly the past 2 weeks, God has still heard my voice, and still been watching out for me, always trying to tell me "Mitchell, I love you, all of you." And I can only hope in time, I will be able to hear His voice more clearly and regularly.
     I love my God, I love the people He has put in my life, and I love all the blessings He has given me. Life will continue to be hard and trying, finding all the pieces of me that have been scattered and lost for years will be time-consuming, and hard, but I am willing to try, and I know I have people in my life who are willing to help me and love me very step of the way, and I am so thankful God gave me them, and gave me the chance to know of His love and gospel. Despite hardship, trials, lows, and pain, life is so amazing, and I can't wait until the day when I hear God's voice again more regularly and clearly.

Praise You In This Storm

Casting Crowns
(P.S. I watched this video, and not all of the lyrics are correct, but I wrote out the lyrics with what they should say underneath this video, so please refer to that for correct lyrics.)

Or watch at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z0LV_p3HQQI#t=91

I was sure by now, God you would have reached down

And wiped our tears away, Stepped in and saved the day.

But once again, I say amen And it's still raining

As the thunder rolls I barely hear your whisper through the rain

I'm with you And as your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise The God who gives and takes away

And I'll praise you in this storm And I will lift my hands

That you are who you are No matter where I am

And every tear I've cried You hold in your hand

You never left my side And though my heart is torn

I will praise you in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind

You heard my cry you raised me up again

My strength is almost gone how can I carry on

If I can't find you

As the thunder rolls

I barely hear you whisper through the rain

I'm with you

And as your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise

The God who gives and takes away

And I'll praise you in this storm

And I will lift my hands

That you are who you are

No matter where I am

And every tear I've cried

You hold in your hand

You never left my side

And though my heart is torn

I will praise you in this storm

I lift my eyes unto the hills

Where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord

The maker of heaven and earth

I lift my eyes unto the hills

Where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord

The maker of heaven and earth

And I'll praise you in this storm

And I will lift my hands

That you are who you are

No matter where I am

And every tear I've cried

You hold in your hand

You never left my side

And though my heart is torn

I will praise you in this storm

And though my heart is torn

I will praise you in this storm



Gay Marriage

    I've been noticing again in my life people arguing from different fronts on the subject of "accepting" gay marriage, particularly in regards to "active, faithful" members of the Church. The majority of the arguments have been people stating that they can claim full loyalty to God and the Church, and support gay marriage, and in some cases, get married to a same-sex partner themselves. With this, and knowing that it's still a big issue in the world today, I thought I would go through and give my thoughts on it.



     First off, I want to point out that obviously I deal with same-sex attraction (I.O.W. , I'm gay), second I love all of  God's children, and while I do so imperfectly, I'm constantly striving to do better, and last but not least, I am an active member of the LDS Church. I'm doing this post so I can make sure all my readers know my stance clearly so there is no question. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I have a testimony of the truth of the Church, the truth of the scriptures, particularly the Book of Mormon, and the truth that there is a God and that Christ is the Savior of the world.
     As an expansion of my testimony, I believe all of Christ's teachings, and all of the teachings of His Church, and the words of the scriptures. I believe in the Church's teachings in regards to homosexual marriage, and I will stick to those morals. I believe in the Church's teachings on sexual relationships, and that they are meant only to be between husband and wife lawfully married, I believe in the law of chastity. I do not support gay marriage, nor will I ever. I know that Christ's true gospel is forever unchanging, and that if the Church is true, it cannot support gay marriage.
     I also know that all people are children of our Heavenly Father, and that He loves everyone equally, and beyond measure or comprehension. I know that God expects me to love His children as close to the degree that He does as I can. I've realized that love is not the way the world portrays it. The world portrays love as having to sacrifice personal morals, accepting, even enabling someone's behavior and/or choices, and not ever expecting someone to change themselves or seek help. I've realized that the most true form of love you can show to someone is to encourage them to get to know their Father in Heaven, even if that means disagreeing outrightly with choices and actions they make.     
     It honestly hurts me to see people I know and love support and push for legalization of gay marriage. It communicates to me that they do not care enough about my relationship with God, my testimony of the Church, and the wellbeing of myself and my spiritual brothers and sisters. To me, it is like they are fighting against one of the most important missions in my life, to educate and be the difference. It's not just gay marriage either, it's immoral music, profanity, pornography, masturbation, and other addictions, anything that has greatly affected my life that I now fight against. I guess the persecution drives me even more, to see the corruption and lies spread by Satan, and to see it accepted so readily by society gives me and even stronger drive to fight and be the difference.
     I know one argument in regards to legalization of gay marriage has been that the Church has changed it's stance on marriage before, so can't they change it again? The thing is that yes, God has instructed the church to alter marriage in the past as He saw it necessary. Yes, polygamy was practiced by the church for a time as God found it necessary. Polygamy was even practiced in the bible, so it's not like it's just the LDS Church. Polygamy is no longer practiced by the Church. Even with the changes in marriage, homosexuality was never ordained of God. The changes God made to marriage were still within the bonds of man and woman, heterosexual relationships.
     Some may argue that polygamy meant many wives, so wouldn't that have some form of homosexuality? No, it did not. The polygamous families who followed God's commandments never broke the laws of chastity. Wives were not involved with each other, and the husband slept with one wife at a time. Point is, God ordained polygamy when it was necessary, but never has God ordained any homosexual marriage or sexual intimacy.
     I don't have all the answers. I don't know all the mysteries of God. There are certain things that I deal with, and others deal with that I do not understand, nor understand God's exact purpose in allowing those struggles in people's lives. What I do know, however, is that God loves everyone. God gives us struggles to strengthen us if we choose to let it, and bring us closer to Him. God's laws are eternal. I know that gay marriage, and sexual intimacy in any relationship, save husband and wife lawfully married, is destructive, dangerous, and seen as sinful in God's eyes. I love my Heavenly Father, and I love my brothers and sisters and want the best for them.
     I have learned through personal experience that living contrary to God's commandments may bring temporary happiness and fulfillment but in the end leave you dry and yearning for something more, having not experienced true joy, whereas living according to God's commandments, keeping Him in your life, though it will be challenging at times, will bring long-term, happiness, joy, and complete fulfillment. The true gospel of Christ is for everyone, young, old, white, black, heterosexual, homosexual, addict, sinner, saint, crippled, able, broken, whole, Christ performed the atonement for everyone, and turned no one away. Yet, while Christ loves and accepts all His children, He states "For I the Lord cannot look upon sin with the least degree of allowance;" (D&C 1:31). God has defined sin, has defined what draws us from Him, and when we are in the midst of sin, God cannot fully abide with us.
     Even with the truth that God cannot look upon sin with the least degree of allowance, He follows up by saying "32. Nevertheless, he that repents and does the commandments of the Lord shall be forgiven; 33. And he that repents not, from him shall be taken even the light which he has received; for my spirit shall not always strive with man, saith the Lord of Hosts." (D&C 1:32-33). Christ performed the atonement because God knew we would all sin, we would all male mistakes, and because He cannot look upon sin with the least degree of allowance, He gave us the atonement so we could repent and so that He could make the difference for us when we fall short, it's just our responsibility to do our best, trust in Him, love Him and our fellow beings, and follow all of His commandments.
     God is amazing, and I will follow Him to the end of my days even when the road gets hard. I will suffer persecutions if necessary, endure opposition, but I will stand for what I know regardless of the push of the world. God gives us commandments not to make us miserable, but because He knows what is best for us. It will not always be easy, but following Him will bring the greatest happiness and joy. Love you all!

Held In His Arms...

     It has been a while since I've posted, yet it feels like it has been forever. Life has been throwing me around in all different directions. Just last week, I was struggling with my faith and testimony so much I thought I would leave the Church, or at least stop going. This Sunday at Church, my ward had a lesson during priesthood and relief society (it was combined) that I felt was inappropriate for as a full block meeting, and so I said something during that meeting. Sharing my addictions and SSA was part of what I said in objection to the topic being taught, and my bishop waived my concerns, accompanied by sneers and hand gestures of distaste from my fellow ward members. I felt extremely unwelcomed in my own ward, and wanted nothing more than to leave the class right then, but didn't. Instead I waited until Church was through and left as promptly as I could feeling hurt and disrespected.
     I realized I hadn't been praying at all for almost 2 weeks straight, and I wasn't reading my scriptures either. I had a few relapses with my addictions, my depression hit hard, death seemed to be a constant topic of my thoughts, and meaning in life was minimal. Any potential love I could have felt for myself was completely void. My contact with God had practically ceased, and in my loneliness and hurt, I became angry and frustrated with God believing He had left me, and that it was His fault I was struggling. This only fed my separation from Him further, resulting in me pushing Him out of my life, while still ignorantly questioning why He was letting life become so hard and why I felt so abandoned.
      Then, a blessing God sent me over half a year ago who has been my best friend reminded me that God loved me, and that if I was going to be happy again, I'd need to let Him back into my life. I made a resolve earlier this week to get myself on my knees to pray to God, to read my scriptures, and to listen for that still small voice. It hasn't been easy by any means, and it has only been a couple days, but I can already see a difference.
     I've also decided to start a gratitude journal which, unlike the majority of my writing, will be for my eyes only unless I feel the need to share it with someone. I will share a few things that I am most thankful for. My best friend who has been by my side through some of the worst moments of my life, listened to my deepest heartaches, known of my biggest regrets, and through it all has loved me more than I thought any human could and has constantly turned me to God. My family, who I have constantly hurt and pushed away, yet they help me as I am trying to figure out life, and love me and invite me home to be with them even when I make mistakes. The pets I've had, both here and passed, and the impact they've had. A Heavenly Father who loves me perfectly, and forgives me even when I knowingly disobey Him, completely betray Him, and push Him away; who holds me and tells me He loves me even if sometimes I can't hear or feel. For the unique gifts God has given me, and the people in my life.
     I've realized that my favorite feeling in the entire world is being held by someone I love, to feel a close connection, not just physically, but spiritually, socially, and emotionally. When someone I love gives me a real, loving hug, runs their hands through my hair, rubs my shoulders, shows me affection, that's when I feel the best. Through the people in my life who love me, I am constantly reminded of the even more powerful and true love God has for me. Sometimes I look at the American culture and see how much it has misconstrued affection, particularly for men, and it saddens me to know most people in the US may never experience true and loving affection, but at the same time, in my case, it makes me even more thankful for the people in my life willing to disregard incorrect social norms and show me physical affection.
     It will definitely still be a journey to come close to God again, and to find true happiness, direction, success, and fulfilment in this life, but I know I can attain it because of my Savior Jesus Christ who loves me, forgives me, and atoned for me. I love God, I love the blessings He has given me, and I love the people He has put in my life. Life has a funny way to throw me into the deepest pits, chain me in the cruelest dungeons, and break me in a million ways, but God always shows me the way to climb back up again, break free of my bonds, see the sweet in the bitter, and help me attain true happiness. I know I've felt great happiness this week as I've turned back to Him. And when I am held in His arms, there is nothing I can't do.

     If anyone is struggling, if anyone reading this feels like there is no hope, that you don't know where you're going in life, you don't know how you can make it another day, or maybe you just don't feel as close to God as you would like, I promise you there is hope. I promise there is a God who loves you, and I promise no matter what you decide, no matter what you've done, He will always love you, and always want you back home with Him.