Throughout all the highs and lows, stress, and challenges this week, I've also been able to learn a lot, and grow closer to God. One thing I realized this week was that there are multiple pieces to "me". One negative belief I've had about myself for some time is that I am malicious and cruel, and there is a part of me who fits that role. That part of me represents the young me who put up walls, and sought to hurt people before they could hurt me. He is like a defense mechanism who has existed in my subconscious for years, often unseen. He carries all the hurt, pain, lies, and betrayal I've felt and experienced throughout my life, and he has been the one who lashes out at others because he's scared to be hurt anymore.
It's like I'm just a big puzzle, and if anyone asked me who Mitchell Clark really is, I don't think I could answer them, because honestly he is so jumbled and broken, that I don't know who he is anymore. Is he a kind person, a loving person, a hateful person, malicious, cruel, caring? I don't know... to me, he is all of those, yet none of them at the same time. I am lost from myself, and I'm still trying to put the pieces back together to figure out who he is, who I am.
I was able to see this part of myself yesterday while I was spending time with my best friend. I remember telling him exactly how I felt, exactly who Mitchell is, and what he does, that he lashes out and stores every negative thing anyone has ever done to me or around me. I looked him in the eyes and said "Do you love him, do you love the real me? Does God love him too?" and with tears in his eyes my friend told me yes, and embraced me, and I started sobbing. Never had anyone told me they loved that part of me, and I didn't understand how anyone could. I have never liked that side of me, I've never understood him. How on earth could anyone ever love him? But there was no lie in the 'yes' my friend told me, and I had never felt my walls crumble like they did in that moment. All the masks, walls, facades, they all crumbled in that moment, and disappeared for a time, and that young, scared, hurt part of me was embraced and told he was loved, and all I could do was cry.
It got me thinking of what it means to truly be loved, to be loved for every single part of me. Even the broken, lost parts. And that God loves me for ever single part of me that has ever existed, and that prior to that moment, I had been blind to that.
On my way home I listened to a song I had downloaded on my phone a while ago, but had never really listened to. It was "Praise You In This Storm" by Casting Crowns, and the entire drive home from my friends house that night, I listened to the song on replay, singing a long, and crying the entire time, looking to Heaven, and wondering how God loves me like He does. I praised God that entire 40 minutes home, sobbing as I thought of what He had given me, sobbing as a little lost part of me started to come to the surface, and begin to be free. Throughout all the fear, pain, highs and lows, and craziness of life, particularly the past 2 weeks, God has still heard my voice, and still been watching out for me, always trying to tell me "Mitchell, I love you, all of you." And I can only hope in time, I will be able to hear His voice more clearly and regularly.
I love my God, I love the people He has put in my life, and I love all the blessings He has given me. Life will continue to be hard and trying, finding all the pieces of me that have been scattered and lost for years will be time-consuming, and hard, but I am willing to try, and I know I have people in my life who are willing to help me and love me very step of the way, and I am so thankful God gave me them, and gave me the chance to know of His love and gospel. Despite hardship, trials, lows, and pain, life is so amazing, and I can't wait until the day when I hear God's voice again more regularly and clearly.
Praise You In This Storm
Casting
Crowns
(P.S. I watched this video, and not all of the lyrics are correct, but I wrote out the lyrics with what they should say underneath this video, so please refer to that for correct lyrics.)
(P.S. I watched this video, and not all of the lyrics are correct, but I wrote out the lyrics with what they should say underneath this video, so please refer to that for correct lyrics.)
I
was sure by now, God you would have reached down
And
wiped our tears away, Stepped in and saved the day.
But
once again, I say amen And it's still raining
As
the thunder rolls I barely hear your whisper through the rain
I'm
with you And as your mercy falls
I
raise my hands and praise The God who gives and takes away
And
I'll praise you in this storm And I will lift my hands
That
you are who you are No matter where I am
And
every tear I've cried You hold in your hand
You
never left my side And though my heart is torn
I
will praise you in this storm
I
remember when I stumbled in the wind
You
heard my cry you raised me up again
My
strength is almost gone how can I carry on
If
I can't find you
As
the thunder rolls
I
barely hear you whisper through the rain
I'm
with you
And
as your mercy falls
I
raise my hands and praise
The
God who gives and takes away
And
I'll praise you in this storm
And
I will lift my hands
That
you are who you are
No
matter where I am
And
every tear I've cried
You
hold in your hand
You
never left my side
And
though my heart is torn
I
will praise you in this storm
I
lift my eyes unto the hills
Where
does my help come from?
My
help comes from the Lord
The
maker of heaven and earth
I
lift my eyes unto the hills
Where
does my help come from?
My
help comes from the Lord
The
maker of heaven and earth
And
I'll praise you in this storm
And
I will lift my hands
That
you are who you are
No
matter where I am
And
every tear I've cried
You
hold in your hand
You
never left my side
And
though my heart is torn
I
will praise you in this storm
And
though my heart is torn
I
will praise you in this storm
Mitch.......I am going to tell you what I always tell you. I love you! I love all of you. I love the bright and witty parts, the confused parts, the loving parts, the LDS parts, The struggling gay parts, the parts that are happy and joyful and the parts that are sad and in pain. We are all complex. I talk about my life and so do you. Sometimes that makes people uncomfortable. You and I don't agree on Gay marriage....but I still love you. We don't agree on the church, but I still love you. I love every little piece that makes up the whole of Mitchell Clark....and so does God! He knew what struggles you were going to have waaaaay before you ever did. He gave you all the people, and experiences, and coping skills to get you through this and any other struggles you are having. NO, not everyone is going to embrace that you have gay feelings, some because they think it is wrong and others because you are not acting on them. That's ok....you don't need their approval. Some are not going to like that you blog about your struggles. That's ok....you don't need their approval. I have lost friends since I left the LDS church, and That's ok....then they really were not my friends. No matter how many times I say that I am morally clean, keep all the commandments, immerse myself in service, go to church, listen to nothing and I mean nothing but Christian music....they still want to judge me and talk behind my back because if I am not a member of their church then I am just not worthy...well they are WRONG. I am a good person, a loving person, a giving person and a person who loves and praises God and my Savior Jesus Christ. I never put the church down, talk about sacred things, or speak ill of it's leaders. I am a Christian that happens to go to a different church than I used to. What I am not is a Hypocrite!! You young man are one of the most loving, kind, Christ like people I have ever met. If this is your trial....then so be it. We were each given one...some of us more than one. You are doing the best you can to handle the trial our father in heaven has given you. And like the rest of us straight, gay, crooked, black, white purple, tattooed, long hair short hair, LDS, Baptist, Jewish etc...etc.....you will have days you are triumphant and days you stumble and then day you completely fall on your face. That's ok....it is all a part of the process. When you really love someone you don't have to agree on every subject. You support, uplift and just keep loving them. I will always love you no matter what....and I know in my heart you will always love me.
ReplyDeleteThank you Cricket! I love you too and wish the best for you! I know that God loves all of His children, and I'm thankful He loves perfectly, because I know I still have a lot of learning to do. I'm thankful for all that you've done for me, and wish you the best. Love you,
Delete-Mitchell
Oh my gosh Mitchell! After reading this more I only love you more! All of you!! I will always be here for you and do all I can to help you. I love you Mitchell and am so grateful you are who you are, it's because of who you are I and so many others know that they can talk to you and that you'll understand or at least try to understand. Just remember that you are never alone and that I and so many others are just a phone call, text, or click away!
ReplyDeleteI love you more than I can express,
-MacGyver
As I was pondering over all that you've been going through more, I wanted to offer a prayer asking that you need not go through this, you are wonderful in every way I can think of to be going through all this. But then I thought it's all of this that's going to and is allowing Heavenly Father to shape you into the most perfect you just as he plans for you to be. Again, I and so many are here for you any way you need.
ReplyDeleteLove you,
-MacGyver
Hey man!
ReplyDeleteI've just come across your blog and wanted to say, keep doing what you're doing! Standing up for what you believe in, especially when other don't agree can be super hard, but you're doing an awesome job! I admire your courage :)
Hey Mitchell, I too recently came across your blog via "voices of hope" and cried a bit watching your video. You remind me of many of the things I went through and am currently on a journey myself to transform into the Child of God we all truly are.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate yiur thoughts, emotions and honesty on here. You have support on here but remember, your ancestors and those who have passed on before you also cheer you on and are with you through every spectrum of emotion you go through :)
. . . . You even inspired me to submit my details for the Voices os Hope project.
You are my brother, just in another part of the world! ��
Thank-you Mitchell, for sharing bits and pieces of your testimony in each of your posts. Our highs and lows, confirmations and doubts, are part of the marvelous play that is mortality. Thank you, for sharing your authentic self. :-)
ReplyDelete