For me, falling in love, not just love for a family member or
a friend, but really falling in love with someone is one of the most powerful,
overwhelming, and intoxicating feelings I’ve ever experienced. Falling in love
has been so joyous and yet so painful, so safe and yet so dangerous.
I’ve only really fallen in love with 6 individuals throughout
my life thus far. I’ve had many crushes on guys, and rarely girls, where I
think wow, he’s really cute, or really nice, or really spiritual. But I’ve only
really fallen in love 6 times, to different degrees.
Of the 6 people I’ve fallen for, 2 of them ever fell for me,
too. And both of those relationships ended because eventually lines were
crossed and mistakes were made. The relationships ended
because it wasn’t a safe environment for me or them, and it wasn’t bringing us
closer to God.
Of the remaining 4 relationships, those being the ones that
didn’t fall in love in return, 1 died out simply because of distance. He moved
away, and we didn’t really have a means of contact, so the relationship ended
quite suddenly, and falling out of love with him followed soon after.
1 of the more painful endings for me was a friend I fell for
before I really even knew I was gay, and definitely before I knew that what I
was feeling was being in love with him. He was straight, and I had put a lot of
work into building our friendship. But I guess I came on too strong, and even
though I didn’t even know at the time that what I was feeling was love, I made him
uncomfortable, and eventually he cut contact with me for that.
The last 2 relationships are ones I still have today. 1 of
them, and actually the only 1 on this list that’s a girl, was someone I fell in
love with over time. We were friends and eventually best friends throughout our
childhood. And somewhere along the way, as I got older, I fell for her. But for
reasons that I’m not even aware of, the being “in love” just very slowly died
out. Despite that, her and I are still in contact, and I still consider her one
of my best friends.
The final relationship I have to talk about was someone that
I fell intensely for. Out of all of the relationships, this was the strongest
for me. So strong in fact that I put him on a pedestal, and created this false
belief in my infatuation that he was a perfect being. I was so entranced that I
made him into something that he wasn’t. And it wasn’t fair to me or him. After years of believing he was perfect,
reality finally hit me. I realized that I had fallen for him so deeply that he
had essentially become my deity. I turned to him when I had gospel questions,
and not God. I talked to him far more than I talked to God. That’s not to say
that he was a bad influence on me, because he wasn’t and hasn’t been. He has
actually been a great influence who honestly has saved my testimony and even
life on multiple occasions. But the bad influence for me was my own choice to
leave God behind in favor of someone who, while an honestly fantastic human
being and fantastic friend, isn’t and can’t be perfect as a mortal. I’ve just
now been coming to the realization the past couple weeks that if I want our
friendship to continue and be healthy and beneficial for the both of us, I need
to find ways to put God first.
There are a few reasons why I bring these situations up. One
of them is that I feel that some of those can be related to my relationship
with God. Like the first 2 relationships, when I have committed sin, I have
pushed myself away from God and lost some of the deeper contact I had before
the mistake. Like the relationship that died out simply because of distance,
there have been multiple times where my relationship with God suffered simply
because I didn’t put myself in situations where I was close to him. Like the
relationship that I slowly fell in love with, and slowly out of love with, my
relationship with God has gone up and down. Sometimes God has seemed like just
an acquaintance, other times a friend, and other times a best friend. And there
have been a few times in my life where I had put God at the forefront of my
time and attention like the last relationship I mentioned. Where I treated Him
like the perfect being that He is. And treated him like my God.
The other, is that I’ve realized that when I fall for
someone, they often become the most important person to me, and get first
priority in many ways. If I want to text someone, I’ll text them first. If I
want to call someone, I call them first. If I want to spend time with someone,
I spend time with them first, etc. I often also try to be like them, or at
least try to like the things that they like. For example, I used to say my
favorite animal was horses simply because I knew that my best friend who I was
in love with said horses were her favorite animal.
But really the reason I bring this up is that I’m starting to
realize how great it would be if I could fall in love with God. Because if I
could fall in love with God, He could be the first one I text. He could be the
first one I call. He could be the first one I spend time with. And He could be
the first one I follow. If God loves people, then I can try to as well. If
God’s favorite animal is a giraffe, I can try to make that my favorite animal,
too. That’s not to say that I want to lose my uniqueness, nor do I think that’s
what God wants me to do. But I want to find a way to fall in love with God, to
honestly and deeply fall in love with God, so that I can follow Him more deeply
and with more conviction and with more surety.
God is perfect. Unlike some of the other relationships that
ended in painful ways, God would not cut off the relationship with me. Only I
can do that. Unlike the relationships where I put my trust in someone who may
honestly be a fantastic person who can help me immensely, but is ultimately
mortal and imperfect, God is not. God is immortal and perfect. If I can truly
fall in love with God, maybe I won’t need to worry about pleasing others or
trying to be in love.
But how can I fall in love with God? Honestly, I don’t
completely know. It seems difficult for me because my two main love languages
are physical touch and quality time. And I don’t think it’s possible for God to
physically touch me, at least in the way I comprehend physical touch, while I’m
a mortal. And I’m not sure how quality time works since I can't really hand God a
controller and have Him play Super Smash Bros. or Mario Kart with me. But some of the
ideas that I have had are that I can talk with Him. Like I call my best friend
at least once a day, I can learn to talk to God at least once a day. Like I
mimicked my friends favorite animal, perhaps I can learn to implement God’s
favorite things and things that God loves into my life. I can spend time to get
to know God. After-all I’ve never fallen for someone I didn’t know. And God has
scriptures, conference talks, and prayer available to get to know Him. I can
come to church to learn of Him, and to share of what I have learned. There are
many good things that I can do to get to know God. I just need to do them.
In reality, I don’t know how or when I will fall in love with
God. It could be a month, a year, or maybe a lifetime. But I really feel that
if I want to live a life with Christ as my constant companion, I need to have
Him be my number one. And I need to trust and know that He loves me no matter what,
and that He is perfect, and would not hurt me or lead me astray. I can't fully control who I fall in love with, but if God really is perfect, what isn't there to fall for?
