Thursday, December 12, 2013

Where Have I Gone? Where Do I Go?

     Needless to say (and it seems this is the start to almost all my blog posts now) I haven't written anything for a long time. I usually write when I feel prompted to, and when I can feel the spirit direct me in what to write. That hasn't been the case for quite a while.
     Yes, with my new job, and busy life, I haven't had much time to sit down and write anyway, but the main reason is because each time I think to write something, I just don't feel it, or something gets in the way, and I never write anything. I've been distant from God recently. Not necessarily because I've been having a hard time with sin, but just because I've slowly been letting myself drift further from God. I haven't been praying or reading my scriptures like I should, or focusing on God like I know will bring me happiness. And so, I've been distant.
     The other day I was spending time with a very close friend. He and I are able to share our struggles openly with each other and give and receive support. I was having a hard time that night, and was feeling distant, but also tempted. I mentioned this to my friend who, to my surprise (as this was not something I had done in the presence of a friend) told me to kneel and pray until I received help. At first I told him that sounded weird, and I didn't want to do it. He urged me and encouraged me with love to turn to God. Finally, with reluctance I knelt at the side of his bed and starting to pray.
     I think he was on the computer the whole time, I'm not sure, but I tried to focus on talking to God. I started by explaining to God how I was feeling, the things I was struggling with, etc. I asked God for help, asked Him to help me feel close to him, etc. I don't know how long I was praying, but I was on my knees for some time, saying multiple prayers, asking God to help me and guide me. Finally, when I finished my prayers, I laid down on the floor next to where I had kneeled. My friend came over and held me while I wept. As much as I had tried, I didn't feel God or the Spirit like I had been able to do just a month earlier.
     I told my friend about my experience, and how I hadn't felt what I wanted to. He held me while I thought things through and calmed down a bit. When I was calm, I asked my friend to give me a blessing. He had me sit down, and placed his hands on my head and gave me a blessing.
     I felt the spirit stronger than I have in some time during that blessing. Some of what was said really hit me hard, and really let me know that God knows me, and that He loves me, even if I'm imperfect. I was reminded that I need to do my part to be close with God.
     I think the part of the blessing that hit my hardest was when he said "God wants you to open your heart. He knows you've been hurt in the past, but He wants you to be open to Him." Wow. Just wow. When my friend said that in the blessing, it confirmed to me that God knows me, and knows what I needed to hear. Sure, my friend knows I've been hurt in the past, and sure, God wants everyone to be open to Him, but the spirit confirmed to me that it was not my friend telling me that he knew I had been hurt, and it wasn't the "textbook" answer telling me to be open to God. God knew what I needed to hear. God knows pains I've felt that no one knows about, and that no one, save Him, could understand.
     I was then told and promised in my blessing that if I do the little things, if I pray and read the scriptures each day, and especially pray, I will be close to God again. I was told that yes, while it will take time, that I will be close to God again. I was told that eventually I will be able to hear God's voice again. What a neat thought, to think that I can hear God's voice if I but do His will and allow myself to be close to Him through the things I do.
    There were a lot of other amazing things in my blessing, but just one more that I'll share. I was promised that God can fulfill all my needs because He knows me perfectly. I've had a hard time with letting God/Christ be my best and closest friend. Not because I don't want them to be necessarily, or because I don't believe they can be, but because sometimes I highly value what other people can offer and unconsciously put that above what God can give to me alone. Now I know that God can give me everything and more than any human on this earth could, that's not what I mean, I just mean that sometimes I rely on others more than Christ, and that's where the issue lies.
     Through my experience at my friends house, I've learned that God needs to be my priority again. God has a work for me to do here on this earth, I've had that confirmed to me, and if I am to do His will, and do His work, I must be close to Him.
     It is my testimony that God loves me and every human on this earth. I know that He exists, and that He can speak to us through prayer, blessings, spiritual promptings, and many many other means. Love you all!

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