The Power of Song

Music has the power to do so much good, or so much bad, and I have seen that manifested many many times in my personal life.

Recently in my life I have felt very overwhelmed physically (work, school, etc.), emotionally (anxiety, depression, etc.), and spiritually (callings and responsibilities at Church, personal study and prayer, etc.). In all honesty, my testimony has been pretty weak for the past few months, not in regards to any particular subject, and I don't really have doubts, but just in the sense that I haven't been nurturing my testimony as much as I should. I haven't been saying my prayers, I haven't been reading the scriptures, etc. and so my testimony has weakened a bit, but now I'm working on getting it strong again.

I attended one semester at UVU, but it wasn't working with my work schedule, so I left after the first semester and started looking at other options. I was thinking of online, and had basically decided on an online college when my best friend's mom mentioned something called Pathway through BYU-Idaho that is mostly online, and has weekly gatherings locally. I looked it up, and felt it was definitely the right option, and signed up even though it was 2 days past the deadline, but I got in! While it's only my second week attending gatherings and institute, I honestly feel like it is the right place for me, and the spiritual environment is so important for me right now. The fact that we talk about God and the Church and its doctrines so openly, and apply it to what we're learning is fantastic, as it has helped me stay on track with my faith.

Now, on to the main subject (or what I planned to be the main subject...) of this post. Tonight, after attending gathering through Pathway, I went out to my car feeling a sense of exhilaration and euphoria that only comes from having had a spiritual experience (at least in my life). I felt so good, and I just wanted to share it with everyone. The times I most often get this feeling is after very spiritual experiences or circumstances such as after watching a Church-made video, watching a touching conference talk, watching a great Voice(s) of Hope video, having a great institute class, etc. Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is I love feeling like that, and it's a feeling that makes me want to tell everyone how good I feel, and how good God is, and that Jesus is the Christ and Savior of the world, and that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and the Book of Mormon are absolutely true.

Already having really exhilarating emotions and feelings, I turned on my music while driving home from Pathway, and as I often do, turned my music up fairly loud and sang along. Sometimes when I sing in my car, it's a soft quiet singing, or even sometimes just humming. Sometimes it's more average volume/intensity singing. But when I'm really feeling the Spirit, really on that emotional and spiritual "high", I sing with enthusiasm, confidence, praise, etc. and really pour my heart into my singing, usually singing with so much gusto that my voice cracks, or I start coughing because I don't have water in my car to moisten my throat, or I start crying because I really get into it and it's a very spiritual song. But in those moments, it doesn't matter. I'm singing along to my Christian music, and feel closer to God than I have more recently.

Tonight, I just wanted to share with you all the 4 songs that touched me most on my drive home. The 4 songs that I sang most enthusiastically, the 4 songs that really made a difference, the 4 songs that helped me strengthen my love of God and His gospel tonight.

The first song that played when I got in my car was In Christ Alone by Owl City

(video should show up below. If not, click here)

Second notable song was Stolen by Brandon Heath

(click here if video is missing)

Third is Strangely Dim by Francesca Battistelli

(click here if video is missing)

And the last is Find You On My Knees by Kari Jobe

(click here if video is missing)

(I do not own the rights to any of these songs, or the videos used to show them)

So why do I share all of this? Because I love Christian music. Because I love God. Because I love how I feel tonight. Because I want others to feel this way, too. Because I know how much good music can do, and I want to teach people to use music to bring them closer to God. Because if I didn't share, I would be totally selfish and ignoring the first big prompting I've received in months.

Life has been hard recently. My testimony has been week. But tonight, I got a glimpse of what life could be like, of what I would feel like, if I let God back into my life and I start nurturing my testimony again and living my life in such a way as to invite the Holy Spirit to be with me. Christian music is an amazing thing. Jesus Christ lives and atoned and died for all of us. The Church is true. And while my testimony may not be rock-solid right now, at least I know those two things are true.

Messages, Emails, Overwhelmed.

So.... It's late at night....

I'm pretty tired..... and usually when I'm tired and can't fall asleep, I get emotional and, well, more tired....

But this is a blog post where I wanted to apologize...

With the new calling I've gotten in my ward, I've had to check my emails more often, and realized I've had people emailing me who I, for the most part, haven't been responding to simply because it is so overwhelming to me...

I almost never get on Facebook anymore, but just happened to do so tonight to follow through with some things that had to do with emails.... and decided to check my messages.... and.... well, lets just say I have close to 50 unanswered Facebook messages.... Almost all of them from people reaching out to me because of my blog, or because of my Voice(s) of Hope video....

Many of these messages are from people asking for help and advice, or just wanting someone to talk to. Because many of these people are not my "friends" on Facebook, their messages went to my "Other" box, which does not send you notifications.... and in my "Other" inbox, I found over 30 messages.... some more than a year old that I've never seen or read before....

I am writing this blog post because I want to apologize to some of those who have attempted to contact me in some way and I have never gotten back to you. I truly wish I could get back to all of you, help all of you, be someone to talk to... But right now, life is just too demanding and preoccupying... and so I wanted to apologize.

In all honesty, I don't think I will ever be able to go through and adequately respond to all of the messages I have received.

We are all children of a loving Heavenly Father, and while I wish I could help everyone who reaches out to me personally, I have limits that I can't help.

I don't want this post to be a deterrent either. Please don't feel like you can't reach out to me. If you feel the need or desire to contact me, please try. And I'll do what I can within my limit to respond. But if I can't, please understand that I still love you, and truly wish I could.

Life is crazy, and I want people to know I love them, and that I want to be there for them, but I also need to be realistic and honest about my limits.

So please forgive me for my faults, or if I have ever caused offense or pain because I wasn't able to respond, or never got your messages.

Life is tiring, but life is good. The future is bright, and I'll keep trying my best.

Well, it's late. I should probably try to sleep ;)

God Bless,

With love and appreciation,

Mitchell Clark

To Those Who Think Same-Sex Marriage Won't Affect Them

     This is a blog post (or link, rather) dedicated to those who believe same-sex marriage won't affect them. It is also for those who have told me same-sex marriage won't affect me due to my religious beliefs, and that as such, they believe I should be silent about it.
     Regardless of your situation, I think all Americans should read this:

• A Warning from Canada: Same-Sex Marriage Erodes Fundamental Rights 

  ( www.thepublicdiscourse.com/2015/04/14899/ )

Supreme Court Legalizes Gay Marriage Nationwide

     The Supreme Court of the United States of America decided today in the case of Obergefell v. Hodges that same-sex marriage is to be legalized in all 50 states, effective immediately.

     Well, it happened. Same-sex marriage is now legal nationwide.

     This decision was one of the first things I saw when I woke up this morning. The one thing I have opposed more than almost anything else in my life has now been legalized.

     One might think this would be crushing news to me. To be honest, I wasn't surprised. I mean, this isn't the first moral failing of United States law. Look at the legalization of abortion, for example.

     Does that mean I'm not upset? Certainly not. I'm definitely upset.

     Today's decision was shaking, but not (personally) in strictly a bad way. Of course, the decision itself is bad. There was nothing good at all about the court's decision. But the decision I read this morning only grounded me more powerfully in the gospel. I realized today that I am definitely on the side I want to be on. On God's side. I realized that, while I'm just one human being, I have power. I have a position that very few people have on this issue. I am gay (as far as attraction is concerned), yet still live a religious life, avoiding any inappropriate, sexual, or romantic relationships with the same-sex. I realize that same-sex attraction is not a choice, but acting inappropriately on those attractions is definitely a choice.

     And you know what? Regardless of how small I may be as a single person, I am on God's side, and I can make decisions in my life that will have an impact, whether seen or not. This fourth of July, rather than wear a shirt with the American Flag on it, I'll wear my Voice(s) of Hope shirt (which is something, unlike my country, that I support wholeheartedly). Thanks to Google's hashtag that appeared on their homepage supporting the court's decision, I am now using a different search engine and boycotting Google. I will also be more conscious of companies I give my business to, and will do my best wherever possible to give my business only to companies with good morals, preferably those who support traditional marriage.

     On a little bit different note, I wanted to bring up some concerns I had about the court's decision that go beyond just morals.

     During my last semester of college, my most educating class (or at least the one I learned the most in), was my United States government class. We talked specifically about the different roles of the three branches. The Supreme Court (Judicial branch) definitely stepped out of bounds with their decision today.

     The job of the Supreme Court is to enforce existing laws (created by the Legislative branch), and to alter existing laws where those laws conflict with the Constitution. Never has it been the Supreme Court's responsibility to enact laws, especially when these laws have nothing to do with the Constitution, or override the jurisdiction of another branch of government.

     The responsibility to create and pass laws belongs to the federal and state Legislative branch. Yet today, the Supreme Court decided to overrule both the federal and state legislatures, and create a law on their own.

     Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts cautioned Americans to "not celebrate the Constitution." because "It had nothing to do with it." The Chief Justice, the head of the 9 Supreme Court justices, stated the ruling had nothing to do with the Constitution, which is supposed to be involved in every ruling of the Supreme Court.

     Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia stated (in reference to the decision) "It is not of special importance to me what the law says about marriage. It is of overwhelming importance, however, who it is that rules me. Today's decree says that my Ruler, and the Ruler of 320 million Americans coast-to-coast, is a majority of nine lawyers on the Supreme Court."

     The Supreme Court was designed to be the final say, and has always been the most powerful branch of government (in that sense), but today they showed that they have decided to be our new rulers. Their decision today directly undermined the legislative branch's responsibility.

     It is sad that the Democratic Republic that once defined America has died. We are now ruled by 9 individuals who are not even elected by the people. Instead, justices are appointed by the president, and then approved by the Senate. Justices never go before the public for a vote before being appointed.

     It is unfortunate that the Supreme Court has overstepped their bounds and claimed power over and above all branches of the government.

     Despite all of the bad news, my name is still Mitchell Clark, I am still a son of God, I still have a voice and will still use it, and I still have the power to make a difference. I will, with God's blessing and support, fight the good fight till the end of my earthly days and beyond. I believe in God, I believe in the Bible, I believe in the Book of Mormon, I believe in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and I believe that marriage, as ordained by God, is between a man and a woman, and that same-sex marriage as defined by God is sinful and wrong. And, so long as I am living my life correctly and in accordance with God's law, I will keep those beliefs and testimony until the day I die, and beyond.

     I follow what the LDS Church said about this decision; "The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints acknowledges that following today's ruling by the Supreme Court, same-sex marriages are now legal in the United States. The court's decision does not alter the Lord's doctrine that marriage is a union between a man and a woman ordained by God. While showing respect for those who think differently, the church will continue to teach and promote marriage between a man and a woman as a central part of our doctrine and practice."

     The laws of men cannot and will not define the laws of God.

The Nature of Anger

     I've honestly been wanting to blog more than I have been. I started my first semester of college about two months ago, and with the mixture of school, homework, work, family, friends, Church, etc. life has been really busy. I have, however, been taking an English class in school which I am hopeful will help me become a better writer, and help me feel more motivated and confident in keeping my blog more updated than it has been.
     Until I reach that time, however, I've decided that due to time I will post some of the essays I've written for school that I feel work with my blog. I know that might be lame of me ;) but I have tried to write my essays as similar to the writing on my blog: personal and religious.
     Here is my first post of the essays from my class, and hopefully as I get back into the habit of blogging, I'll be able to write blog-specific posts instead of just copy-pasting assignments.

The Nature of Anger

     I wondered about my experiences with anger as I watched my older sister close off and become angry with her husband after he had done nothing (as far as I could tell) to upset her. I was intrigued because I saw so much of myself in her at that moment, and I've seen it many times since. I have never wanted to be an angry person, and I don't know why I experience anger. The most painful aspect of it for me is that it hurts the people I love most. I have always wanted to be a loving person, and improve the life of those I meet, but my anger complicates things. I have the desire to change, and I've been trying to overcome my anger for years now, but I haven't had much success. Perhaps I have just been going about it the wrong way. Rather than just trying to fix it, maybe I should be approaching it with a different mindset and question: “does anger ever go away?”

     One way to approach this question is to ask a branching question, “is anger a temporary condition?” If this question has an affirming answer, then that would imply that anger can be cured, fixed, or simply overcome. Could anger be a temporary condition? There have been times in my life where I have given my all to leaving my anger behind and never letting it hurt myself or the people I love again, but all those attempts, all the promises to myself, the people I love, and to God did not bring about a “cure” of my anger. Yet still the question remains a possibility. It is very possible that I have been going about it the wrong way. Perhaps anger is temporary, but I have just not found the cure yet.

      Then there is the second branching question, “is anger a permanent condition?” With an affirming answer, this would imply that anger is more along the lines of an incurable mental illness or disease. If this is the case, it means there is not necessarily a cure, and to overcome or manage anger issues I would need to find coping skills rather than seeking a cure. This answer, if true, would imply that I may deal with anger for the rest of me life. I can draw on other issues I deal with that fall under this category of being a permanent condition: depression, anxiety, addiction, etc. None of those conditions have a “cure” or easy fix. They all still affect me, though I have found coping skills and am now able to handle the episodes much more efficiently. If anger falls under this same category, it would mean I would need to find coping skills in order to manage my anger.

      Even narrowing it down to two basic possibilities “is it temporary or permanent?” does not answer the question. There are more factors involved. Because anger, like many emotions, has multiple severities and affects each person differently, it could have almost any answer, no answer, or an answer specific to an individual. From what I have observed, some people rarely experience anger and in situations when they do, they seem to be able to choose when to drop it. With this observation it would lead to the belief that anger is a temporary emotional experience because the person can choose when to “turn off” their anger and replace it with another emotion. Then there are those who appear to experience anger much more powerfully and permanently. These people often get angry at things that would not make sense to observers. Sometimes there is nothing on the outside that even angers them. In these situations the person often seems “out of control” and cannot just turn off their anger. It often takes time for them to come back to reality, and often they have to leave the situation and spend time to cool down. This situation leads to the conclusion that anger is a permanent condition that, to be controlled, would require coping skills rather than a cure.

      “Does anger ever go away?” doesn't feel like a valid question anymore. There are too many variables to accurately answer that question without having to come up with other questions and giving a long answer that both affirms and refutes this statement. It seems that anger is a personal experience, unique to an individual, which leads to a new question for me; “Is my anger temporary or permanent?”

Love you all! Hope to be writing again soon!

*Updated* Korra Season 4 Finale: Response to Lesbian Controversy

     *This post has been updated as of 1/29/2015. Update is at the bottom of the post*

     For those of you who have read my blog before, you may have noticed that I have used quotes from Avatar: The Last Airbender multiple times in multiple posts. I have long considered Avatar: The Last Airbender my favorite TV show, and still stand by that. For those of you who have watched the series, you may be aware that there was a sequel; The Legend of Korra. Because of my love for the original series, I was excited for the sequel. The Legend of Korra was definitely different and I loved it, but Avatar: The Last Airbender will always be my favorite of the two.

     The Legend of Korra had 4 seasons, and the 4th season (which was completed 2 days ago) was announced to be the last of the Avatar series. I was at work 2 days ago when the final episode was released. My sister, who is also a fan of Korra, watched the episode while I was at work, and texted me after the episode warning me I probably wouldn't want to watch it because there would be things in it that I wouldn't like.

     I didn't want to spoil the end of the episode before actually watching it, but at the same time I wanted to know what my sister meant. I listed all the possibilities in my head of what she could have meant. Did someone swear in the episode? Unlikely. They couldn't do that on a show rated TV-Y7. Was something sexually explicit shown or said? Again, they couldn't have kept that TV-Y7 rating. Did a character I like a lot get killed? Maybe, but that wouldn't make me not want to watch it. Hmm.... I wasn't sure what she meant. Then it hit me. Something she knew I wouldn't like, something they could get away with without affecting their rating. What if they brought up homosexuality? What if characters of the same-sex kissed, or expressed their romantic love for one another, or got married? Is that what she meant?

     With my new suspicion, I wanted to confirm if I was correct. I looked it up online, and confirmed with my sister, and sure enough the internet had exploded with news articles, fan forums, etc. all claiming that the final episode of Korra ended with a homosexual romantic interest between Korra and Asami (both female main characters). For a second I was angry with the directors. How could they add that in to a show I love so much? I decided I wasn't going to watch it, and was going to boycott the entire Korra series and never watch it again and definitely never own the series. But, for whatever reason, after work I decided I was going to finish the Legend of Korra series anyway, because I wanted to see and confirm for myself what had happened.

     I watched the finale with my defenses up already from what I had read online. I dissected every interaction I saw between Korra and Asami. I focused as much as I could, trying to pick out anything that hinted at romance between them, and I saw nothing of the sort until the last 2 minutes of the episode. I'll give a short explanation of what happened during those 2 minutes. Korra and Asami talk alone for a bit while there is a party going on in the background (though far enough back it's not visible in the scene). Asami has just lost her father for the second time (this time permanently as he was killed earlier in the episode). I'll just put down Korra's and Asami's conversation:

Korra: Want to sit with me for a minute? I'm not ready to get back to the party just yet.

(Korra and Asami sit)

Korra: I don't think I ever really apologized. 

Asami: For what?

Korra: For being gone all that time. For not coming back sooner.

Asami: You don't need to apologize for anything. I'm just so happy you're here now. I don't think I could have handled losing you and my father in the same day.

Korra: I am so sorry about what happened.

(Korra and Asami hug)

Asami: Thank you. I'm just so glad I was able to forgive him.

(Korra and Asami stop hugging)

Korra: So what now? Back to the dance floor?

Asami: I'm kind of all danced out. Honestly, after everything that's happened the past few months, I could use a vacation.

Korra: Let's do it! Let's go on a vacation, just the two of us, anywhere you want.

Asami: Really? Okay. I've always wanted to see what the spirit world's like.

Korra: Sounds perfect.

At this point, the conversation ends. The camera cuts out to show Korra and Asami walking towards the spirit portal. They stop very near the portal, look at each other for a second, hold hands, and walk into the portal. Once in the portal they turn to face each other, hold both hands, and become blurry as they enter the spirit world. This is the point where the camera moves upwards to signify the end of the episode.

 

     Now when I first watched it, my defenses were up, and I was expecting to see something homosexual between them. And you know what? While I was watching the final scene, and for about a minute after the episode concluded I agreed with what I had read. I thought for sure it was meant to show that Asami and Korra were romantically involved, and that homosexuality had been implied.

 

However, after discussing with my best friend who was watching the episode with me and who also deals with same-sex attraction and is a faithful member of the LDS Church, my conclusion on the meaning started to change. Dissecting the episode and series for myself and talking to my best friend and my family I have decided that the romantic relationship between Korra and Asami simply doesn't have backing. It doesn't make sense. And things just don't add up.



     First of all, my readers should know (from previous posts) my position on physical touch expressed in friendship between members of the same-sex. I do not believe that physical touch (so long as it is not sexual in nature) should be seen as wrong or homosexual between friends of the same-sex. I have held hands with male friends before, and don't have any issues with it. There was nothing romantic between us. It was an expression of our love for each other as friends, not as romantic partners. There have been many times that I have hugged friends of the same-sex, and again, nothing romantic there. I have looked into friends eyes while expressing physical contact, and again, no romantic connotations for me.

     With my experiences in regards to physical touch with members of the same-sex, I don't think that the hand-holding, hugging, or eye contact between Korra and Asami was at all proof of homosexuality. I also do not see how them going on a vacation together can be seen as proof of a lesbian relationship. And the fact that Asami said "I'm just so happy you're here now. I don't think I could have handled losing you and my father in the same day." doesn't prove anything either. I mean, who would want to lose their best friend and their only living parent in the same day? That is definitely something I couldn't handle. I would say the same thing to my best friend, and again, there is nothing romantic about our relationship.

     As I dissected things further, I started to have fewer concerns that homosexuality was implied. I myself deal with same-sex attraction (which should be obvious by this point) and therefore have my own experiences to draw from. Yes, I may not be a lesbian woman and don't know exactly what it's like to be a woman attracted to women, but I know what it looks like to be attracted to members of the same-sex, and with my personal knowledge I can honestly say I didn't notice anything of that nature in Korra as a character.

     Earlier in the series, Korra dated Mako pretty seriously (Mako is a male main character), with love and romance expressed between them both, including kissing on the lips. Korra was asked by other males to date, but she expressed preference for Mako. They broke up eventually, but not because of a conflict of attractions, and even in the last episode, literally just barely over a minute before the scene of Korra and Asami, Mako and Korra exchange hints of romance, and Korra looks at Mako with longing eyes. Literally, just over a minute before the supposed "lesbian" scene, Korra shows signs of heterosexual love and romance for Mako.

     I know that, for me, growing up with SSA, I never had a prominent "preference" between women. There wasn't one woman, or even multiple women, that I regarded as more beautiful and desirable from the rest. I never kissed a girl on the lips due to romantic interest. And yet Korra did both of those things. Korra expressed preference for Mako, and kissed him multiple times out of romantic interest. There are even scenes of Asami acting out the same feelings of preference for Mako when they were dating (before they broke up and Mako moved to Korra), and Asami engaged in romantic expressions with Mako, again including kissing on the lips.

     With that brought up, I turn back to Korra and Asami's last scene, and just don't see any of the signs of romantic interest shown between them and Mako. Korra and Asami never kiss, they never romantically date, they never express attraction for each other in a way that could be deemed homosexual, and they never express romantic love or interest in one another.

     Ultimately, after dissecting things, watching the end of the episode multiple times, thinking things through, prayer, and talking with people in my life, I have come to the conclusion that yes, there is a possibility that the directors of the show meant to imply homosexuality between Korra and Asami, but that I don't see it at all, and I really don't think it was their intent. I really honestly don't believe that what happened between Korra and Asami was lesbian in nature. And I'm definitely not just coming to this conclusion because I love the show and don't want it to be ruined. I was literally ready at a moments notice to boycott The Legend of Korra entirely if I had noticed something that definitely implied homosexuality, but I just didn't see it.

     I know that nearly every news article and forum out there about it will say that the evidence pointing towards Korra and Asami being in a lesbian relationship is irrefutable, and I know why. The world is changing. Laws are being altered and changed now to legalize gay marriage. People are doing everything they can to stamp out homophobia and discrimination. Anything that is something people can hold on to in order to root for their cause, they will hold on to, even if it means stretching the truth. Well, I say the whole lesbian romance people have inferred between Asami and Korra is definitely refutable. I don't see it, and I don't believe it. There isn't enough evidence to convince me.

     I feel so blessed that God gave me the trials, skills, and gifts that He gave me. I know that so many in the world will continue to fight against the truth, fight against God, and fight against his people, but as Korra said: "I know I was in a pretty dark place... but I finally understand why I had to go through all of that. I needed to understand what true suffering was, so I could become more compassionate to others, even to people like Kuvira." I definitely had dark times in my life, times when I wanted to die, when I felt like an abomination, when I couldn't find happiness or light, but now I've realized why I experienced those things. It was so I could be more compassionate, more understanding, more patient and empathetic. I'm definitely not perfect. I don't treat everyone as well as I should, but I am better than I would have ever been if I didn't have the trials that I have had in my life and still have.

     I love God, I love life, I love my family, I love my best friend, I love my other friends and all the people in my life. I love those who fight against me, who fight against my religion, who fight against God, who fight against all I know to be beautiful and right in the world. I feel sad for them. Sometimes I feel anger, resentment, frustration, etc. but I just want them to know that there is a God who loves them more than anything or anyone on this earth ever could, and that regardless of what they've done, Heavenly Father loves them. I'm not perfect, but I know that God is, and I know there is still good in this world.

     *Update*

     I've received a few comments on my blog and other places about this post. They have been in regards to the creators of Korra coming out and saying they meant for Korra and Asami to be portrayed as a lesbian couple. I was aware of the creators coming out and saying that the day it happened, and I had published this post before they came out and said that, but have been busy in college and haven't had the time to come and write an update. However, with the update I will be keeping all of the original post. I am very disappointed in the creators, but I feel it is important to understand that physical touch, compliments, and love expressed between members of the same-sex should not be viewed as a default of homosexuality, and therefore I am leaving this post as-is. 

"Pray the Gay Away"

     Ever heard that phrase? I have. I've heard it multiple times, including today. "Pray the gay away" is a phrase used in reference to a belief some people have that people with same-sex attraction can just pray to God, and that God will remove their attractions toward members of the same-sex and replace it with an attraction towards the opposite-sex. Some people believe that being same-sex attracted is a sin in and of itself, or at least an "impurity", even if it is never acted on.
     I'm still in my YSA ward I mentioned in blog posts before (YSA stands for Young Single Adults). I've shared my testimony about same-sex attraction multiple times in this ward for the whole ward to hear. Well, today during Sunday School a woman from the stake pulled me out of class saying she wanted to talk to me. I went out and stood in the hall with her. I don't really know her position in the stake, and I don't really know her, but I have seen her before.
     Well, we stood for a second before she brought up my same-sex attraction that I had shared about months ago. She told me she had been wanting to talk to me ever since I had shared my testimony months ago, but never got the chance until now. She didn't speak the best English, but she basically explained to me how if I pray to God that my attractions will go away, and told me that God can make me "love a woman" and that I should get married to a girl and not sit alone at Church. I wanted so badly to explain to her how wrong she was, to make her realize how wrong she was, but I couldn't. She was an older woman, her English wasn't all that great, and I could tell from her tone, firmness, and the tears in her eyes that she honestly believed what she was saying.
     I was frustrated. I was offended. I was sad. How could she honestly believe that? I've heard it before from many other people telling me I chose to be gay, and that I could just pray and God would fix me, but something was different this time. The other times that I heard it said, I was still trying to figure things out myself, so it seemed like feedback more than insult, but this time, since I have an unshakeable testimony about the subject already, it felt like an insult, a slap in the face. I could tell she had the right intentions, but she was sorely misinformed.
     Can I really blame her though? I mean I once believed the same thing. I tried praying and praying and praying begging God to take it away. I mean, why wouldn't I? People hated me because of it. I got bullied, picked on, and I constantly felt un-included and isolated. I even hated myself for it. I honestly believed that I was an abomination to God and that's why he wouldn't take it away. But you know what? My understanding is completely different now. Could God take my attractions away? In theory, yes. God can do anything. But there are certain things God decides not to do, and He always has a reason for it.
     I'll try to explain it this way. Say you were born with only one leg. Do you think that just by praying about it, God would suddenly give you a new leg? Or if you have autism, that just by praying it would suddenly be cured? Or an addiction, does God just instantly take that away? Or you're homeless, does God just make money rain from the sky? God could do all those things, and in some very rare cases he has (scriptures about Christ healing the sick and lame, for example), but for the most part, God gives us support throughout our trials without ever completely curing us. We are given trials in this life so that we can grow spiritually and rely on God more wholly.
     I don't hate the lady who said that to me today, and I don't hate the other people who have told me that. Do I have frustrated emotions to resolve? Yes, but I don't hate them. More than anything I'm sad for them, sad that they misunderstand the gift God gave me. Sad for the people they may meet in the future who deal with SSA who may get the same "Pray the gay away" response from them. Same-sex attraction has definitely had a role in bad things that happened in my life, but it wasn't the sole cause, and ultimately it boils down to my free agency when I make a mistake, and doesn't necessarily point to any one condition or circumstance.
     I just want everyone to know that everyone is human, and everyone deserves just as much respect and love as the next person. God loves all His children, and so should we. We should be careful what we say about sensitive subjects. Don't come to conclusions without first investigating the issue yourself. I recognize that there are stories out there of Christians (both and the LDS faith and others) who claim to have been rid of their same-sex attractions. I'm not here to say it's not possible. If it worked for them, then great for them, but it doesn't mean it works for everyone, and it definitely doesn't mean the people it doesn't work for are sinners. I know that I will not be "free" from my attractions in this life. That isn't part of God's plan for me. And you know what? I'm happy about that. My attractions, my struggles, everything about me has made me who I am today, and I wouldn't trade that for anything in the world.
     There are people who love and support me as best they can, who don't reject me because of things I can't control, and I know that God doesn't reject me either. God loves me completely and wholly.
     I know same-sex attraction is such a complex topic in the Church, but always approach it with sensitivity and care. Don't try to make others' feel like sinners, for we are all sinners. Help them feel like equals. Love them into the gospel, don't reject them in the very place they should be most accepted. Don't enable them to sin, but at the same time don't hate them and drive them away.
     I know I need to work on being more loving and outgoing in my ward, and I know that the Church has the potential to be very loving, welcoming, and understanding of everyone, but there's still a lot of work to do there. Life is good though. I know God lives. I know God loves me. And I know all that He put in my life was meant to bring me closer to Him and become who I was meant to be.