Gay Marriage

    I've been noticing again in my life people arguing from different fronts on the subject of "accepting" gay marriage, particularly in regards to "active, faithful" members of the Church. The majority of the arguments have been people stating that they can claim full loyalty to God and the Church, and support gay marriage, and in some cases, get married to a same-sex partner themselves. With this, and knowing that it's still a big issue in the world today, I thought I would go through and give my thoughts on it.



     First off, I want to point out that obviously I deal with same-sex attraction (I.O.W. , I'm gay), second I love all of  God's children, and while I do so imperfectly, I'm constantly striving to do better, and last but not least, I am an active member of the LDS Church. I'm doing this post so I can make sure all my readers know my stance clearly so there is no question. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I have a testimony of the truth of the Church, the truth of the scriptures, particularly the Book of Mormon, and the truth that there is a God and that Christ is the Savior of the world.
     As an expansion of my testimony, I believe all of Christ's teachings, and all of the teachings of His Church, and the words of the scriptures. I believe in the Church's teachings in regards to homosexual marriage, and I will stick to those morals. I believe in the Church's teachings on sexual relationships, and that they are meant only to be between husband and wife lawfully married, I believe in the law of chastity. I do not support gay marriage, nor will I ever. I know that Christ's true gospel is forever unchanging, and that if the Church is true, it cannot support gay marriage.
     I also know that all people are children of our Heavenly Father, and that He loves everyone equally, and beyond measure or comprehension. I know that God expects me to love His children as close to the degree that He does as I can. I've realized that love is not the way the world portrays it. The world portrays love as having to sacrifice personal morals, accepting, even enabling someone's behavior and/or choices, and not ever expecting someone to change themselves or seek help. I've realized that the most true form of love you can show to someone is to encourage them to get to know their Father in Heaven, even if that means disagreeing outrightly with choices and actions they make.     
     It honestly hurts me to see people I know and love support and push for legalization of gay marriage. It communicates to me that they do not care enough about my relationship with God, my testimony of the Church, and the wellbeing of myself and my spiritual brothers and sisters. To me, it is like they are fighting against one of the most important missions in my life, to educate and be the difference. It's not just gay marriage either, it's immoral music, profanity, pornography, masturbation, and other addictions, anything that has greatly affected my life that I now fight against. I guess the persecution drives me even more, to see the corruption and lies spread by Satan, and to see it accepted so readily by society gives me and even stronger drive to fight and be the difference.
     I know one argument in regards to legalization of gay marriage has been that the Church has changed it's stance on marriage before, so can't they change it again? The thing is that yes, God has instructed the church to alter marriage in the past as He saw it necessary. Yes, polygamy was practiced by the church for a time as God found it necessary. Polygamy was even practiced in the bible, so it's not like it's just the LDS Church. Polygamy is no longer practiced by the Church. Even with the changes in marriage, homosexuality was never ordained of God. The changes God made to marriage were still within the bonds of man and woman, heterosexual relationships.
     Some may argue that polygamy meant many wives, so wouldn't that have some form of homosexuality? No, it did not. The polygamous families who followed God's commandments never broke the laws of chastity. Wives were not involved with each other, and the husband slept with one wife at a time. Point is, God ordained polygamy when it was necessary, but never has God ordained any homosexual marriage or sexual intimacy.
     I don't have all the answers. I don't know all the mysteries of God. There are certain things that I deal with, and others deal with that I do not understand, nor understand God's exact purpose in allowing those struggles in people's lives. What I do know, however, is that God loves everyone. God gives us struggles to strengthen us if we choose to let it, and bring us closer to Him. God's laws are eternal. I know that gay marriage, and sexual intimacy in any relationship, save husband and wife lawfully married, is destructive, dangerous, and seen as sinful in God's eyes. I love my Heavenly Father, and I love my brothers and sisters and want the best for them.
     I have learned through personal experience that living contrary to God's commandments may bring temporary happiness and fulfillment but in the end leave you dry and yearning for something more, having not experienced true joy, whereas living according to God's commandments, keeping Him in your life, though it will be challenging at times, will bring long-term, happiness, joy, and complete fulfillment. The true gospel of Christ is for everyone, young, old, white, black, heterosexual, homosexual, addict, sinner, saint, crippled, able, broken, whole, Christ performed the atonement for everyone, and turned no one away. Yet, while Christ loves and accepts all His children, He states "For I the Lord cannot look upon sin with the least degree of allowance;" (D&C 1:31). God has defined sin, has defined what draws us from Him, and when we are in the midst of sin, God cannot fully abide with us.
     Even with the truth that God cannot look upon sin with the least degree of allowance, He follows up by saying "32. Nevertheless, he that repents and does the commandments of the Lord shall be forgiven; 33. And he that repents not, from him shall be taken even the light which he has received; for my spirit shall not always strive with man, saith the Lord of Hosts." (D&C 1:32-33). Christ performed the atonement because God knew we would all sin, we would all male mistakes, and because He cannot look upon sin with the least degree of allowance, He gave us the atonement so we could repent and so that He could make the difference for us when we fall short, it's just our responsibility to do our best, trust in Him, love Him and our fellow beings, and follow all of His commandments.
     God is amazing, and I will follow Him to the end of my days even when the road gets hard. I will suffer persecutions if necessary, endure opposition, but I will stand for what I know regardless of the push of the world. God gives us commandments not to make us miserable, but because He knows what is best for us. It will not always be easy, but following Him will bring the greatest happiness and joy. Love you all!

Held In His Arms...

     It has been a while since I've posted, yet it feels like it has been forever. Life has been throwing me around in all different directions. Just last week, I was struggling with my faith and testimony so much I thought I would leave the Church, or at least stop going. This Sunday at Church, my ward had a lesson during priesthood and relief society (it was combined) that I felt was inappropriate for as a full block meeting, and so I said something during that meeting. Sharing my addictions and SSA was part of what I said in objection to the topic being taught, and my bishop waived my concerns, accompanied by sneers and hand gestures of distaste from my fellow ward members. I felt extremely unwelcomed in my own ward, and wanted nothing more than to leave the class right then, but didn't. Instead I waited until Church was through and left as promptly as I could feeling hurt and disrespected.
     I realized I hadn't been praying at all for almost 2 weeks straight, and I wasn't reading my scriptures either. I had a few relapses with my addictions, my depression hit hard, death seemed to be a constant topic of my thoughts, and meaning in life was minimal. Any potential love I could have felt for myself was completely void. My contact with God had practically ceased, and in my loneliness and hurt, I became angry and frustrated with God believing He had left me, and that it was His fault I was struggling. This only fed my separation from Him further, resulting in me pushing Him out of my life, while still ignorantly questioning why He was letting life become so hard and why I felt so abandoned.
      Then, a blessing God sent me over half a year ago who has been my best friend reminded me that God loved me, and that if I was going to be happy again, I'd need to let Him back into my life. I made a resolve earlier this week to get myself on my knees to pray to God, to read my scriptures, and to listen for that still small voice. It hasn't been easy by any means, and it has only been a couple days, but I can already see a difference.
     I've also decided to start a gratitude journal which, unlike the majority of my writing, will be for my eyes only unless I feel the need to share it with someone. I will share a few things that I am most thankful for. My best friend who has been by my side through some of the worst moments of my life, listened to my deepest heartaches, known of my biggest regrets, and through it all has loved me more than I thought any human could and has constantly turned me to God. My family, who I have constantly hurt and pushed away, yet they help me as I am trying to figure out life, and love me and invite me home to be with them even when I make mistakes. The pets I've had, both here and passed, and the impact they've had. A Heavenly Father who loves me perfectly, and forgives me even when I knowingly disobey Him, completely betray Him, and push Him away; who holds me and tells me He loves me even if sometimes I can't hear or feel. For the unique gifts God has given me, and the people in my life.
     I've realized that my favorite feeling in the entire world is being held by someone I love, to feel a close connection, not just physically, but spiritually, socially, and emotionally. When someone I love gives me a real, loving hug, runs their hands through my hair, rubs my shoulders, shows me affection, that's when I feel the best. Through the people in my life who love me, I am constantly reminded of the even more powerful and true love God has for me. Sometimes I look at the American culture and see how much it has misconstrued affection, particularly for men, and it saddens me to know most people in the US may never experience true and loving affection, but at the same time, in my case, it makes me even more thankful for the people in my life willing to disregard incorrect social norms and show me physical affection.
     It will definitely still be a journey to come close to God again, and to find true happiness, direction, success, and fulfilment in this life, but I know I can attain it because of my Savior Jesus Christ who loves me, forgives me, and atoned for me. I love God, I love the blessings He has given me, and I love the people He has put in my life. Life has a funny way to throw me into the deepest pits, chain me in the cruelest dungeons, and break me in a million ways, but God always shows me the way to climb back up again, break free of my bonds, see the sweet in the bitter, and help me attain true happiness. I know I've felt great happiness this week as I've turned back to Him. And when I am held in His arms, there is nothing I can't do.

     If anyone is struggling, if anyone reading this feels like there is no hope, that you don't know where you're going in life, you don't know how you can make it another day, or maybe you just don't feel as close to God as you would like, I promise you there is hope. I promise there is a God who loves you, and I promise no matter what you decide, no matter what you've done, He will always love you, and always want you back home with Him.



I Promise... Whatever Happens to Him Will Only be for His Betterment

     I just barely had an experience that really made me think, and realize a piece of my testimony I didn't even realize I had. One of my neighbors came over to my house and was frantically knocking at my door. I opened the door, and she was crying. She asked me if I knew where her son was, and gave me the name of who her son was with and asked if I knew him. I didn't know where he was, nor did I know the boy he was with. She was terrified and frantic. Her son had been missing for hours, and she had no idea where he was. I offered her what help I could, wishing I could tell her what I was feeling.
     See, the thing was that despite her complete fear and urgency, I felt calm. I don't just mean because he isn't my son, but because I knew things would work out in the end. I know from a promise I've been told multiple times that "No matter what happens, it will only be for our betterment." God would take care of him, no matter what happened, no matter how serious.
     There are lots of people in the world who believe that if God really loved us, he wouldn't let bad things like abuse, torture, slavery, death, and pain happen to us and those we love. There are people who believe that God lets bad things happen to good people for one reason or another, or even that God causes bad things to happen to a good person. We ask "Why me?" when something awful happens in our lives, or "how could you do that to them?" when someone we love dearly is afflicted. I know I have had thoughts and feelings like that throughout my life, but now I have a different understanding.
     God does not cause bad things to happen to good people, and there really isn't such thing as a bad person, just someone who has made bad choices. God puts trials in our lives, God lets us experience hardship to teach us, and help us grow. I look at all I went through in the past, the things I had no control over; the abuse, the pain, the death/loss, depression, etc. and the things I could've controlled; the addictions, the sins, the poor choices, etc. Those things could've totally destroyed me if I let them, and for a while, I was letting myself be destroyed from the hardships in my life. Now, however, I use the experiences God gave to me to build me up, and I am stronger, wiser, more courageous, more outspoken, more willing, more humble, better than I have ever been. God promised that whatever we go through in this life, so long as we endure it well and use our free agency to choose good, that it would only be for our betterment.
    When the woman was at my house, I wanted to tell her that it would be ok, that no matter what happened, even if it was awful and tragic, that it would only be for the betterment of her and her son so long as they followed God's will. My mind raced through all the possibilities of where he could be, of what could have happened to him, of what I might see or hear on the news in a day or two, but I had an assurance in my mind that no matter what happened to him, it would only be for his betterment. Then I realized it wasn't just him I was thinking of, it was the voice telling me the same. "Mitchell, whatever happens to you, whatever has happened to you, no matter how hard, painful, destructive, or seemingly cruel and unnecessary, I promise you it was only for your betterment." Then I just felt peace.
     As she left my house to go looking for her son again, I said a prayer for her. Her family is not LDS, nor is she, and I don't think they believe in God. I can only imagine how much harder that must've made it for her. In the prayer I said for her and her son, I asked that God would watch over them, and that regardless of what happened, everything would work out. And it did. He was found not long after I had prayed, and nothing had happened to him whatsoever. He was fine and safe. It reminded me again that God always hears and answers prayers for all His children.
     I'm not trying to say that it's "ok" when bad things happen to us or those we love. I'm not saying we should just let bad things happen to us or those around us, and I'm definitely not saying we should seek out those things, what I am saying however is that when they do come, and we don't have control, we just have to let God guide. We have to let Him hold us in His arms and trust in His promise that whatever happens to us, so long as we endure it well and use our free agency to choose good, that it will only be for our betterment and those around us.
     I have people in my life who I absolutely love who have endured the pains of abuse, death, betrayal, etc. and I see the pain it has caused them, and I mourn for their pain, particularly if they've let it destroy them rather than build. Sometimes I get upset with God, and say "How could you let that happen to someone as great as them? What could they have ever done to deserve that?" Then I have to remind myself that people go through trials to become stronger, if they choose, and that through their free agency can use those trials to bring them closer to God than they have ever been. I just have to remember that God has a reason for everything that happens, and that I do not have a perfect knowledge of why, nor does anyone else on this earth. All I can do is rely on my knowledge that, through the access of free agency, any bad thing that happens to someone can make them wiser, stronger, and closer to God, and for that I am thankful.



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rr8xvw0cgw0

     I am thankful that God loves me enough to cut me down. I am thankful that God loves all of His children enough to cut them down, knowing that it will be for their benefit. Trials in this life may be frequent, painful, and seemingly impossible to endure, but if we can but take the bitter with the sweet, we will gain the ability to come out on top, and be wiser, stronger, and closer to God than we have ever been. I have a testimony of this, and bare that testimony in the name of my Savior Jesus Christ, amen.

When I Finally Make it Home

     I've been listening to a song recently that has really hit me hard, and given me a desire to get even closer to God than I ever have. The song is called "Finally Home" by MercyMe. Every time I listen to it, I get emotional. I don't mean I cry every time I listen to it, I just feel the spirit, I feel God telling me He loves me, and I feel myself becoming like a little child, just wanting my Heavenly Father to be proud of me, to welcome me home, to tell me He loves me and has been waiting for me.

Finally Home

MercyMe

If the video is unavailable, you can view it here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tnTu0i9cj-I

 

I'm gonna wrap my arms around my daddy's neck
And tell him that I've missed him
And tell him all about the man that I became
And hope that it pleased him
There's so much I wanna say
So much I want you to know

When I finally make it home
Then I'll gaze upon the throne of the King
Frozen in my steps
And all the questions that I swore I would ask
Words just won't come yet
So amazed at what I've seen
So much more than this old mind can hold

When I finally make it home
When I finally make it home

And the sweetest sound these ears have yet to hear
The voices of the angels

When I finally make it home
When I finally make it home

 

     I was just thinking as I listened to it how wonderful my life is, and how wonderful it is that through Christ, everyone gets a second chance, a third chance, a fourth chance, a fifth, and so on. It humbles me to think of the purpose of this life. We come here to earth to gain a body, to exercise our free agency and choose our eternal destiny, to learn and gain experience through the trials of this life, and to receive the opportunity to gain the attributes of God.

     It makes me think about the times when I considered taking my life, and how much of a loss and tragedy it would have been had that happened. I know I wouldn't be proud of myself in the next life if I gave up the fight, and I wouldn't expect God to be either, and know that I would not be able to obtain Celestial Glory. I am thankful that God provides me with time on this earth to learn and grow.

     It reminds me of what this life is really about. We don't come here to earth to gain worldly success, we come to learn the quality's that God has, and strive to become like Him while still keeping individuality. We come here to gain a body, and be able to be resurrected as perfect beings. We come to learn, grow, and find ourselves. Life is a blessing, and should never be taken for granted. God loves every single one of His children, and I am so excited to be in His presence once again when my journey here is through.



     I can't even imagine what it will be like when my time has come, and I return home. What will it look like? What will it feel like? Will God be proud of me? Will He welcome me home with love and honor? Will He accept me in His courts? Only time will tell, and I'm willing to wait until He calls me home. I'm happy to stay here and grow as long as He needs me to.

Music: The Fight Between Good and Evil

     Today I came across perhaps the most empowering song I've ever heard while listening to a Christian station on Pandora. I have extremely powerful emotions towards music and the effect it can have on its listeners. My opinion on music might even match the impact my emotions towards SSA. Now before I start a tangent, I'll explain some more and then give you the song.
     So my life and music have always been on extremes. For much of my youth, I honestly hated music. I hated all music. Before iPods and MP3's (yes, even though I'm 19, I remember those times) when it was all about stereos and boomboxes, I never even wanted one. I mean, I had no reason to have one. Even when iPods and MP3's started coming out, I never had a desire to get one, after-all I hated music at the time. Then me and music got a new relationship.
     Just a while before starting middle-school I finally started opening up to music, and even started to love singing. I started out mainly listening to instrumental music, and much of it was world instrumental. I dabbled a little into vocal music, and that's where I developed a love for singing. This phase of only instrumental with a tiny bit of vocals only lasted about a year or so. After that, me and music took another twist.
     I ended up diving in to vocal music, almost all at once, and listened to the music that was popular for kids (usually radio Disney which was still cool back then). It was another quick transition from that to something else too. I ended up getting an MP3 player, and dove into another extreme, and that was music that was popular at that time for teenagers and older. This was during the big rise in hip-hop, rap, and electronic-pop-dance music. This was a big change from what I had listened to previously.
     As you can probably guess, my new relationship with music which led me to hip-hop and rap led me to find some pretty bad songs. This phase in my life lasted up until about 2 years ago, and lasted 4-5 years of my life. I was getting into music that was worse and worse. I started listening to awful songs, songs that would swear every-other word, songs that were extremely sexually explicit, and songs that were just evil and dark in nature. It wasn't long after this phase started that my life started spiralling out of control.
     It got to the point where I had no morals about music anymore, and nothing phased me. It didn't matter how much profanity, sex, drugs, or evil was in a song, as long as I liked it, I listened to it. It started influencing me, even though I never really thought about it at the time. I would listen to that music when I was feeling low, and it would drive me lower, but somehow I loved it, or at least thought I did. Music was a deciding factor in my actions, and even my free agency and was a huge influence on me driving me further and further from God. In fact, now that I think about it, I really believe it was the music I listened to that drove me from the Church, and I don't even just think, I know it was a big part of it. The music I listened to destroyed me spiritually.
     It wasn't until I got sent to inpatient treatment that I really had time to think about what I was doing in life, including the media I had decided to listen to and participate in. It was during my stay in treatment that I realized how deep music had pulled me, and how much it was destroying me inside. It's crazy to think I went from hating music, to loving it, and then getting into the worst music I could've found. Now you might think I'm talking about some kind of music you couldn't find listed on the home page of iTunes, but that's actually the exact music I'm talking about, or at least the artists. It was the "popular" music of the time that was my downfall. Lady Gaga, Kesha, Pitbull, Jesse McCartney, Katy Perry, etc. They, and so many other popular artists, were what destroyed me.
     After my stay in inpatient treatment, I resolved to change the music I listened to. At first, I decided I'd get rid of all my songs that swore at what I considered "too often". After a month or so, I realized that wasn't enough. I still had these awful evil feelings and influences, so I decided to re-evaluate. I got rid of all songs I had that swore at all. Things got better, but after a month or two, I started to notice evil influences in my life still. I was still hitting lows because of music. I took another look into it.
     This time I took out all my music that was sexually suggestive, any song that had innapropriate references, gone. Things improved a little, but still, evil influences, bad feelings, low points and sin. I re-evalutated again the music I listened to. This time, deciding to eliminate any music that contained indirect references to anything sexual. Again, more improvement, but a month later, still evil there. This time I decided I really needed to do something big. I needed to sacrifice something more for God if I was ever going to improve.
    I did a huge evaluation of all the music I had. I decided this time that I wouldn't just eliminate individual songs, but if there was an artist who sung any song with any profanity, sexual reference, drug references, anything evil, then every single song from that artist went bye-bye, no matter how "positive" an individual song sung by them may have been. I decided to judge the music by emotion too. Any song that invoked anger or hate, gone. I used to listen to heavy rock, that was gone because it provoked anger and hate. I dropped entire genres. Rap and hip-hop, completely deleted, metal and heavy rock, completely gone. Needless to say, my music library was cut in more than just half. I had a fraction left of what I had had before.
     It was not an easy process, getting rid of all that music, especially because I had spent money on it, and there was no way to return it. It was also hard to get rid of it, because did I like it? Yeah, it was fun to dance to and sing to, but the destruction it had heaped on me was so much worse than any "fun" that came from it, and the disobedience from God's law that it was compromised who I wanted to be. I was pretty much out of music to listen to, my library was tiny and I loved music but had little-to-nothing to listen to. This is when I came across a new kind of music; Christian.
     Christian is now essentially all I listen to, and has been perhaps one of the biggest blessings God has given me. The evil influence, destruction, and corruption my previous playlist once caused me has been replaced by good, uplifting, and inspiring music always drawing me closer to God, and I still think there's room to improve, in fact after this post, I'm going to filter my music library yet again.
     The process of change has not been easy. Some people may laugh at this because evil music has become so normal that it's funny to think someone tries to avoid it like pornography or drugs, but honestly I've had to treat music just like my addictions. I've had relapses on my bad music since I deleted it all. As amazing as the radio in my car is, and as amazing as Pandora has been in helping me find amazing Christian and LDS music, they've also both been extremely dangerous for me. I've had times where I've listened to evil music on the radio or Pandora since I deleted almost my entire music library.
     This is the part people might laugh or smile on, but I've even caught myself justifying listening to songs that aren't in and of themselves evil, but by an artist who has a lot of really bad music, and even that influences me for evil, regardless of how "good" the individual song may be. Satan has literally tempted me to return to old music through so many different avenues, including factors that I can't control, and so I have to be constantly vigilant about what's going on around me to avoid the temptations that can cause me to go back to listening to bad artists or songs.
     I have such powerful emotions towards music because I have been everywhere with music. I once hated all music, then I got into it and listened to strictly instrumental, then I got into lyrical, dove into popular music, delved into absolutely evil music, and made a slow and painful recovery climbing out of the dark hole and finding my way back to God by deleting my music library. I have such strong emotions because I see people being destroyed by music every day, even people in the Church who you would never suspect. People delving into music that seems "innocent" enough, but ultimately leads to worse things. Just like drugs have "gateway" drugs (lesser drugs that easily and almost always lead to worse drugs) I believe and know for a fact that there is also gateway music. I have a testimony of music for both sides, good and evil, and I know what an influence music can be.
     I am a Child of God, and I will never sell my soul for the evil of this world. I honestly feel that music is something I would fight for. If I could go to war against evil music, even with a risk of losing my life, I honestly believe I would. If I knew I had a chance to change the world, to change music as it is, I would happily seize the opportunity.
     I want to challenge every single person who reads this post to go look at the music you listen to, the movies you watch, the channels you turn to on the TV, the talk-shows or other media you watch or listen to, even the pictures you have on your walls and as the wallpaper on  your electronic devices. Look at them, and honestly, 100% think about whether these bring you closer to God, closer to who you want to be, or whether they are doing the opposite. Think about the effects it may have on you even indirectly. I promise I never saw the full affects of music on me until I looked back on it and saw how destructive it really was.
     I honestly desire that every single person who reads this post will re-evaluate their lives in every aspect, and really think about what things you're letting affect you, and whether you mean to let them affect you or not. It's amazing how such small things that may seem so insignificant can effect us in the biggest ways.



     I almost want to end the post here, but I promised a song, and so I will post it and let you check it out. This song is what inspired this post. This song makes direct jabs at many popular artists of this day like Lady Gaga, Katy Perry, Kanye West, and Kesha. I love this song, I really do. I'll end the post with this, and I'll post the song and lyrics and highlight the lyrics that really stuck out and meant something to me. Don't let the media control your life, let God be your guide, not media be your dictator and deceiver. I love you all. I hope you all walk away from this with the ability to see the things that influence you, and that God will bless you with the ability to identify and remove the negative.

If the video isn't available here, visit it on youtube at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GlIGjHrv-WM

 

Control

Royal Tailor

 

This world is, ra, ra
In a bad romance, going, ga, ga
You know we're gettin' played
By the love game

And hypnotized by all the fame
But I believe we can't back down from the fight
It's not okay with me to just be silent
Won't be silent, silent

No, we won't let them take control
We won't go with the flow
We've got to stand together

It's all plastic and I can't be a fake
It's all static, every word that they say
We won't let them take control
Won't let them take control

Life is short, baby, tik tok
Ain't got no time for your, blah, blah
(Nah, nah, nah)
'Cause girl, we don't need your drug

No, no, we don't what you're calling love
'Cause I believe that you're either yes or no
You're hot or cold
No teenage dream could ever be worth your soul
Never worth your soul

Burn like a fire
Shine like a diamond
See a flash when I smile
Brighter than Kanye's
Comes to the heart

Gotta guard what we buyin'
Can't you see they all got you tryin'
To fall in love with your stereo

So they control what you think
And everywhere you go
But greater is He who lives inside of we know
He won't lose fight, that's right

The Reason

     Sometimes in life, I find myself wishing I had something more than I currently have, without realizing what I've wanted for years and years of my life is right in front of me. God has blessed me with an amazing best friend and an amazing family. I am loved and supported beyond what I can even believe. There are so many people pulling for me, even some people I hardly know at all, or simply don't know at all. It's funny when I catch myself looking at what I have or what I don't have, and wishing certain things were different when I have more than I even deserve.
     Funny how I'm getting a calling in my YSA ward and am nervous to take it and not too excited for it, yet just the month before and up until the day I was informed I wanted a calling, I wanted something to help me feel included. Then, here I am getting asked to accept a calling, and of course saying yes, but feeling inadequate and partially wishing I hadn't been asked, but still excited and hopeful. It's definitely going to get me more involved, which could honestly be a very good thing. And you know what? Now that I write about it, and think about my emotions, I am excited for it! Stressed, yes, scared, definitely, worried, for sure, but still hopeful and excited. Life, am I right?
     I've had so many things thrown my way this past week in emails and other things, people expressing their opinion regarding the Church's standards and morals, and what they think they "should" be. It brought me to think of a talk that was given in sacrament meeting last Sunday where the speaker mentioned pride in correlation to God. When we are prideful, puffed up, stubborn, etc. we often believe that our will tops that of anyone else, including God. That our opinion is more right, more correct, better, even more righteous than another's opinion (even God sometimes).
     I know I've been prideful like that before, I even catch myself now sometimes, but one thing that stuck out to me was the fact that when we are being prideful, we're essentially telling God "Oh, I'm smarter than you God, my will is more correct than yours, I know more than you." If we look at the morals God has put in place and believe they are incorrect (which I myself am guilty of at times) we are going against God Himself, not "the Church", not the prophet, not our bishop or leaders. God's morals do not hinge on the leadership of the Church, they are solely from God, and Church leaders are merely instruments and guides in His hands.
     Watch me bring this up again..... Yep.... Here it comes. Gay marriage. I'm part of North Star which is a support group for those who are LDS and experience SSA. Recently I've seen so many people stating that they don't agree with the Church's stance on gay marriage, the family, etc. That they don't believe the Church has any right to have jurisdiction over it. But then it comes down to the core, is it really "the Church" that they're disagreeing with? Or ultimately is it God who they're disagreeing with and calling wrong, saying that they know better than Him? Hey, I'll admit it, I'm imperfect and have been prideful before and put my beliefs above God's. I'm not proud of that, but I'll admit it. It just saddens me to see people so blinded by pride as I once was and turning against God, misplacing their conflicts of belief on the Church rather than realizing it's God's law they disagree with, not exclusively "the Church".
     God is eternal, His laws are eternal, and do not hinge on social norms, moral changes in society, or anything regarding human beliefs or traditions. Maybe someday everyone will understand that, and maybe someday I'll fully understand it too, I'm definitely imperfect.
     Topic change *whoosh* ;) So my 12-step addiction recovery group I go to every Sunday and have been attending for over a year and a half just keeps getting better and better. My 12-step group is mainly for porn and masturbation addictions, but we have group members there who deal with other addictions as well, and I share about my SSA and self-harming in that group as well. I'm the only one (as far as I know) in that group who experiences SSA (with the exception of one who no longer attends) and yet I have found so much acceptance, love, and patience from my fellow group members. It's amazing how God works miracles through people regardless of differences in trials and experiences.



     So this post was probably a bunch of super random paragraphs that were all over the place, but life is definitely good. God loves me, and I'm doing better at loving Him as I should, and accepting His love for me. I'm learning to better control my emotions, and be closer to God. Life is great, isn't it?
    
    

Found

     This last Sunday, I endured one of the darkest experiences of my life, matched only by the lowest day of my life back when I was in inpatient treatment. Hiting such a low point emotionally, feeling absolutely hopeless and lost, I let myself go and allowed myself to be inhabitted by an evil spirit that was not my own. I will not go into detail of what I experienced that night, as I do not feel it is necessary, but I will say I felt dark, miserable, inhuman, and ultimately terrified.
     In my darkest moment that night, God knew my needs, and my best friend called me. My best friend, out of concern and love, came to my house at 10:30 pm Sunday night to be with me and give me a blessing. I was able to overcome the evil in me as he was on his way over and went and spoke with my dad, telling him all that had happened. My dad just expressed love to me, and was totally willing to give me a blessing with my friend.
     Once my friend arrived I had calmed down enough to be rational. As he and my father prepared to give me a blessing, I just let myself breathe and relax, and pray to God. The second my friend and my dads hands rested on my head, peace, warmth, and love rushed through me and before my dad even started the blessing, I began crying.
     For the first time in months I felt God speaking to me. I listened to the blessing, and can remember bits and pieces, but the thing that stuck with me most was the feeling I had. For the first time in what seemed like forever, I could feel God holding me, I could hear Him speaking, and while I didn't know exactly what He said, I knew He loved me and was with me in that moment. Once the blessing was finished, I hugged my father and my friend crying, feeling God with me having just experienced one of the most spiritual moments of my life after hitting one of my deepest lows.



     My friend spent some time with me that night before going home, and because he was a return missionary, I decided to ask him to teach me as a missionary would. During the deep depression I had hit last week, my testimony had shattered and scattered, and while I had some pieces in tact, I had lost a lot. I decided I wanted to start from "square one" again, beginning with being taught by a missionary (something I had never done before) and it has been so amazing.
     I have a lot of work to do, and a lot of knowledge to regain, I have a relationship with God that needs rebuilding, and I need to learn to hear His voice and trust that He can speak to me. As hard as it will be, I want to feel how I felt during and after my blessing on Sunday every day of my life. I want to hear God speak to me, I want to want to do His will and stay forever true to Him. As hard as Sunday and the week before was, I will never forget how I felt when utter peace and comfort overcame me during that blessing, and when I felt God closer to me than I ever had prior to that moment.
     Building back my testimony is going to be hard work. I'm not talking about my morals, those are still in tact, but the basis of my testimony needs strengthening and renewal, and I can never forget hearing God's voice, feeling His arms around me. Life is beautiful, it really is, and no matter how many times I get lost, it's beautiful to know I can always be found again.