Why I Violate the Honor Code *Updated*

*Updated 8/11/2016* Update is at the bottom of this post.

                Writing this post is potentially dangerous for me. As a current BYU-Idaho student, what I’m about to share and express, under current CES Honor Code, potentially subjects me to investigation, discipline, and expulsion. But this is important. So I’m writing it anyway.

                Today, I was reading a news article that talked about BYU and the recent letters submitted by LGBT groups attempting to persuade the “Big 12” from accepting BYU into their group. To be honest, I don’t really know what the Big 12 is, other than it has something to do with sports (which I don’t care about anyway). That’s okay, though. It’s not the point of this post. The point of this post is that the article quoted the BYU Honor Code. I’ve read the Honor Code before, I committed to follow it last year when I joined the Pathway program through BYU-Idaho. But the honor code was different then.

                The quote the article referenced is from the Homosexual Behavior section of the CES Honor Code that states: “Homosexual behavior is inappropriate and violates the Honor Code. Homosexual behavior includes not only sexual relations between members of the same sex, but all forms of physical intimacy that give expression to homosexual feelings.” (https://policy.byu.edu/view/index.php?p=26)

                I support and believe that sex in any relationship outside of a marriage between a man and a woman is wrong. I support and believe that acts of self-pleasure by means of pornographic materials, masturbation, etc. are wrong. I support and believe that members of the same sex intentionally or knowingly engaging in romantic or sexually arousing activities is wrong. And if the Honor Code specifically forbade engaging in romantic or sexually arousing activities and left it at that, I would have no issue whatsoever. I’d be supportive. I’d defend BYU and their right to believe and enforce such beliefs. But they completely crossed the line by saying “all forms of physical intimacy that give expression to homosexual feelings” are wrong. Not just morally or socially, it goes deeper than that.

                To make sense of this, let’s first define homosexual. According to Merriam Webster, the simple definitions are 1) “sexually attracted to people of the same sex” and 2) “based on or showing a sexual attraction to people of the same sex”. Real quick, I want to define the word “sexual”. According to Google’s generated definition, “sexual” means “relating to the instincts, physiological processes, and activities connected with physical attraction or intimate physical contact between individuals.”

                Next, let’s define physical intimacy. This is where it gets interesting. According to Wikipedia, Physical intimacy is “sensual proximity or touching. It is an act or reaction, such as an expression of feelings (including close friendship, love, or sexual attraction), between people. Examples of physical intimacy include being inside someone’s personal space, holding hands, hugging, kissing, caressing, and sexual activity. It is possible to be physically intimate with someone without actually touching them; however, a certain proximity is necessary. For instance, a sustained eye contact is considered a form of physical intimacy, analogous to touching.”

                According to the CES Honor Code, used by BYU, BYU-Idaho, LDS Business College, etc. Simply being attracted to men in even a mildly sexual way means that ANY form of intimacy between them and myself is a breach of the Honor Code that subjects me to discipline and potential expulsion. When I hug my best friend who is male, I am breaking the honor code. When shaking the hands of men in my ward, I am breaking the Honor Code. When I am sitting directly next to a male, even if I’m not touching them, I am breaking the Honor Code. When my dad hugs me, I am breaking the Honor Code. When I get a priesthood blessing, or am doing baptisms for the dead at the temple, I am breaking the Honor Code. I could name endless examples of how I break the Honor Code every day of my life.

                I am going to be honest… I have defended BYU in the past. I have believed in and supported the Honor Code. I have tried to help people who have misunderstood it. But I’m pretty sure I am not misunderstanding what I just read. I did the research, I looked up definitions. I went to the source. And to be totally frank and honest, I am shocked and disappointed, even angered. I feel little loyalty towards BYU right now. If I knew about this change in the Honor Code, I may have honestly looked elsewhere for schooling, and I may still tell others who are considering BYU to look elsewhere. But, on the other hand, I am thankful I am enrolled right now, because I am going to do whatever I can to get this grave mistake corrected.

                Right now, according to the Honor Code, if you are a gay, bisexual, or even a heterosexual who sometimes admires same sex peers bodies or personalities, you must live your life as a college student as an outcast. You cannot let anyone of your same gender look at you for prolonged periods, have deep intimate conversations with you, sit next to you, and certainly not touch you. According to the Honor Code, you must completely isolate yourself from every single person of your same gender. If you are a man, you can never receive blessings, you can never be baptized for yourself, or for the dead, you can never shake your bishops hand, you can’t even look into your bishops eyes. Are all of those things not obviously ridiculous and even blasphemous? They obviously weren’t for whoever wrote that part of the Honor Code…

I usually hate using the word discrimination, because I feel like in today’s culture it’s often a misused and abused word. But I’m going to use it. I honestly feel like the current Honor Code is discriminatory to any student or staff member who experiences same-sex attraction. I feel the Honor Code does not at all represent how Christ lived His life, or how we should live ours. I feel the Honor Code is incredibly damaging and isolating to a group of people that need a lot of love and understanding. I feel that the Honor Code needs to change.

To be honest, I feel that the same blanket statement they used to severely limit social, spiritual, and physical interaction of same sex attracted individuals should also be applied to heterosexual people. After-all, what the Honor Code is banning for same sex oriented students and staff isn’t all sinful in nature, so why not apply the same to everyone? That way, at least, it couldn’t be labeled as discrimination against any specific group. Maybe heterosexual students shouldn’t be allowed to be physically intimate with one another. Maybe they shouldn’t be allowed to shake hands, or hug, or cuddle, or look into each other’s eyes. After-all, those things could potentially be arousing, or could be done with sexual motives in mind, right? I don’t think heterosexuals would be very happy or accepting of a rule like that.

                To recap, if I am at all physically intimate with another man, simply because I am same sex attracted, and even if our intimacy is nothing more than a hand shake in greeting, I can be expelled from BYU. If Christ Himself came and hugged me, I could be expelled. But if I was heterosexual, and shook the hands of other men, cuddled with other men, hugged other men, so long as I wasn’t attracted to them, and they weren’t attracted to me, there would be no Honor Code violation.

                As a gay member of the Church who attends BYU-Idaho, I’m expected to go out of my way to avoid ANY interaction with men. If I follow the Honor Code, I can’t shake anyone’s hand at church, unless they’re a girl. I can’t look at my bishop, or the Sunday school teacher. I can’t sit next to anyone in Elder’s Quorum. I probably can’t even take the sacrament from the person passing, because I’ll be too close to them in proximity. I better never perform baptisms for the dead again, either, because I’ll be breaking the Honor Code…

                But I’m feeling vitriolic right now, I’m feeling betrayed, I’m feeling discriminated against and mistreated…

                I’m not going to follow that part of the Honor Code. I’m going to fight it. I spent too many years of my life denying myself any physical interaction with men. It destroyed me from the inside out. I need men in my life. I need physical, emotional, and spiritual affection from men. I don’t need sex. I don’t need romance. But I do need love. I spent too many years suffering by keeping myself from it. I spent too many years lying to myself and those around me. I spent too many years attempting to conform to toxic Mormon culture that isn’t even consistent with doctrine. I’ve spent too many years experiencing those pains, and I will not allow myself to do it again because of some blasphemous Honor Code.

                Next time I see my best friend, I’ll be sure to give him a big hug, tell him I love him, look him in the eyes, and just enjoy the closeness. Because I love him. Because I love myself. Because I love God and the gospel. And because when I am intimate with my best friend, or other men, and even with some women, I feel closer to God. And I need to feel close to God.

                Since this post was probably really controversial, and I was fairly vitriolic, I just want to make clear that this post is in no way anti-Mormon or anti-LDS. This post isn’t even anti-BYU (yes, even though I did say I may have chosen a different school and tell other people not to go). This post is “anti-one sentence in the Honor Code I take issue with”. I still very much have a testimony of the LDS Church. I have a testimony of God and Christ. I have a testimony that Thomas S. Monson is a prophet of God, and the apostles here on the earth today are ordained of God. This post was not meant to erode, damage, or destroy anyone’s testimony of the church. I wrote this post out of love and concern. Once I hit “Publish”, this post is ultimately out of my hands. I cannot control my readers, what they think, feel, or do about my post. I just want to make it clear that my intentions are to advocate for the church, even for BYU, not against.

                If you want another post to read about this same subject, check out my friend’s blog post on it. He’s usually more eloquent than I am, and he’s also usually less vitriolic and more patient and loving in his posts. Plus I already read his post and thought it was great. http://gaymormonguy.blogspot.com/2016/08/the-byu-honor-code-bans-hugs-handshakes.html

*Update* I called BYU-Idaho today inquiring about the section of the Honor Code about physical intimacy. When I called in, I was connected with a woman who said she was willing to answer my question. So I told her the section of the Honor Code in question, read it to her over the phone, told her I'm same-sex attracted and also a faithful member of the church, and proceeded to ask her if, because I am same-sex attracted, I cannot hug, shake hands with, or even receive a blessing from another man. She told me that her thought of it would be that no, those things wouldn't be a breach in the Honor Code, despite the blanket statement of "physical intimacy", but she told me that she wasn't 100% sure, so she offered to transfer me to someone higher up, but I don't think she told me what his position was, so I don't know how "high up" he was, or if he really had the authority to translate or explain it correctly.

Well, when she transferred me, I guess it went to the wrong person, because they transferred me again. When I got in contact with the person I was meant to be transferred to, I posed the same concern and question to him. I read him the sentence in question, told him I’m gay, mentioned what physical intimacy entails, and asked him if, as a student of BYU-Idaho, I’m breaking the Honor Code any time I hug, shake hands with, look at, sit next to, or even receive a blessing from another man. He basically told me that those situations aren’t really what that sentence is meant to cover, and that most likely, it wouldn’t actually be a breach (at least in his personal opinion). I asked him if that meant the statement revolved more around intent, and he said yes. He told me that, in his eyes at least, the statement more applies to same sex individuals who are romantically or sexually involved, or who are displaying affection publicly (or privately) to prove a point or express romantic/sexual desire. With what he told me at first, it sounded like he believed it had more to do with intent.

As a follow-up after his explanation, I told him that I have a best friend who is male that I am very close to. I told him that I hug my friend, that we put our arms around each other when sitting together, and that we even hold hands (though not usually in public), and asked him if that would be considered a violation. He told me that hugging my best friend, and putting my arm around him was fine. He said he didn’t feel the Honor Code was attempting to erode close and healthy friendships. But with the hand holding, he said if someone found out, there would likely be an investigation. He told me that because other students would likely interpret it as sexual/romantic, or feel uncomfortable about it culturally, that action would likely be taken against it. I finished by confirming with him that it’s mainly involved with intent, and he confirmed this. But I still have concerns…

With what he said about hand holding, that because other student would interpret it as sexual/romantic, or feel uncomfortable about it, that’s just opening doors for discrimination, misunderstanding, isolation, and further toxifying the culture at BYU schools… While I appreciated him saying that it was based more on intent, and in specific cases like that, they would talk to the student about it before deciding anything, I still feel the wording in the CES Honor Code is very dangerous, especially when he added in the variable that other students’ cultural feelings and expectations can be forced on a same sex attracted student, even if that student had no intent to be sexual. And with how corrupt and ignorant some LDS members still are regarding issues like this, I see it posing a real issue… While I appreciate the guy I spoke with at BYU-Idaho for being more understanding than what I expected, I don’t think this issue will be anywhere close to resolved until the wording is changed.

I have to give that guy credit, though. I was there when David called BYU (Utah) about it, and I heard their conversation. David wasn’t lying in his blog post when he said the guy literally told him that any physical intimacy is unacceptable between members of the same-sex if one of them is homosexual. The guy I spoke to was much more understanding and looked at the spirit of the law. Maybe BYU-Idaho is just a nicer, more understanding place than BYU? Or was their answer influenced by the fact that I brought up receiving priesthood blessings as potential violations under the current wording? Either way, I don't think the guy I spoke with had significant authority to explain, interpret, or change policy, and was more-so just sharing his opinion.

Regardless, the Honor Code needs to change. I will keep looking for ways to fight it and get it corrected. Hopefully it was just someone ignorant who wrote that part of the Honor Code, and hopefully that someone, or someone else, will realize the danger that sentence poses, and be willing to change it. I still stand by everything I said in my blog post. I was thankful for the man I spoke with at BYU-Idaho, but while that conversation helped me understand his point of view, it did not validate my concerns about the cultural dangers of such a policy, nor did it give me an answer as to why it's worded that way. Hopefully God can help soften hearts. Including mine.

"Pride" Month

     So, this post is going to have a lot of opinions in it. Ready? Let's go.

     Facebook has taught me something recently that I didn't know about before. I guess June is "pride" month. Since when was that the case? And who decided to make it so? It's beyond me, and I really don't care to look it up.

     One of the first questions that came to mind when I read this is "why on earth is a whole month dedicated to pride?". Because, let's be honest here. My strong feelings of dislike for the entire idea of a pride month aside, how many months are there in a year? Oh, well there's 12. Okay. So every year contains 12 months. Gotcha. Well, whoever decided to make June pride month (and what gives them the right to do so anyway?) dedicated 1/12 or 8.3% of the entire year to celebrating "pride". And as far as I know, it's every year.

     I want to talk to whoever decided to make June "pride" month, because if we're dedicating months now, I want a Latter-day Saint month, a month for being Caucasian, Asian, Hispanic, etc. (since they already have a month dedicated to being African American), a month dedicated to unicorns, a month dedicated to electricity, a month dedicated to lazy people, etc. Oh wait, but wouldn't we run out of months to dedicate? My thoughts exactly... And why choose "pride" above the other alternatives? What if it makes me feel "oppressed" and "discriminated against" for the US to not have a month dedicated to being a faithful member of the LDS Church while dealing with a variety of challenges? Oh wait... probably because I'm not your desired minority. Catering to my needs doesn't help you get elected or retain power, and doesn't make you seem politically correct. Gotcha. Some minorities are more important than others. I'll keep that in mind.

    My random soap box aside, I have some honest concerns and opinions relating to some of the things I have seen on Facebook and elsewhere regarding this "Pride" month. I'm a member of some groups on Facebook of people who reside somewhere on the spectrum of being LDS and same-sex attracted simultaneously. And in most cases, these people are trying to remain faithful. Some of the posts I've seen from these people recently have touched upon "pride" month, and they've talked about their feelings, plans, confusions, and questions relating to it. One common thing I've seen in these posts is a split conscience on whether or not to participate in "pride" month, and whether or not to celebrate. And it hasn't even just been those who are same-sex attracted posting this stuff. People through my normal Facebook feed, who are heterosexual and overall faithful Church members have expressed questions and split consciences.

     Maybe I'm just insensitive, but I really don't get where the confusion or split feelings come in. In my mind, it's either do or don't. I've been called an extremist before, but to me, if you're a believing member of the Church, there should be no question of whether or not you'll participate in "pride" month. In my mind, the answer should be a resounding "no". Why should you? What good would that bring? If I saw someone at a gay pride parade or event who wasn't protesting, my instant thought would be that they support gay marriage. Maybe that makes me judgmental, but lets be honest here. You'd have to be a pretty fantastical person to honestly be able to say that wouldn't be your reaction to any number of situations. What I'm trying to say is, if you don't support gay marriage, or at the very least don't believe it's what will bring you closer to God, why would you go to a gay pride parade or event?

     I've just honestly been perplexed by the whole thing... Yes, everyone is different, and my brain works differently than everyone else, and it's a good thing that there's diversity. But it still perplexes me that people think they need to celebrate pride month in some way even if they oppose gay marriage, or at least strive to live the teachings of God.

     Is it just insecurity? Are people so afraid of being seen as mean, hateful, hypocritical, bigots, out-of-touch, old, immature, etc. that they are willing to bend over backwards to appear politically and culturally correct? And if insecurity is present, what's allowing it to be there in the first place?

     One thing that's been a pretty consistent theme in the posts I've seen is the fear that by not supporting/celebrating pride month, you're making the LDS Church seem unloving, or you are not personally being as loving as Christ. There are sides to this argument I understand and agree with, and sides I don't. I get the walking on egg shells that often happens when you try to balance and talk about Christ-like love. But here's my two-cents on the whole thing. The LDS Church has some work to do culturally (not doctrinally) on learning to love and accept everyone. There have been times where I have not felt accepted in my congregation, and I'm someone who does my best to follow church doctrine. I get that the church has work to do to become more loving and understanding. But I'll tell you right now, I do not think the answer is to wear rainbow pins to church, march in pride parades, hold hands with a member of the same-sex, not out of love/friendship, but to prove a point at church, etc. In fact, if you want to make me really feel uncomfortable and unwelcome around you, wear a pride pin to church.

     See, my big issue with wanting to prove your point while at church is that in the gospel, we believe and preach that we are all equal to God. Yes, some people need special attention and comfort at certain times, but wearing a pride pin is essentially isolating the majority in favor of the minority (a minority that is generally not very fond of the church), and is not consistent with the belief that we are all equal before God.

     And you know what else? Celebrating pride month, if you're a faithful member, is essentially discounting my pains, my sacrifices, my contributions, my struggles, etc. that come from being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints who is same-sex attracted, yet actually decides to remain faithful. Because what you're communicating to me is that my hard work, my sweat and tears, isn't even noteworthy. Because it's more important to cater to and support people who have turned their back on the church. My life is not easy. I know that the lives of others who have made the same choice to remain faithful as I have do not have a cake-walk through life. We need your support too. And unlike many on the other side of the fence, we're trying, wanting, and sometimes actively advocating for the same beliefs that you hold dear. Recognize my contributions. Fight for me, and people like me. We need your support.

     I feel like this post is long.

     Honestly, I think it's fantastic that members of the church are trying to find ways to reach out and be more loving. But I don't think the approach of those I've seen on Facebook is the way to go... You don't need to jump off the cliff to help someone who has fallen. People within the LGBT community need to be loved and treated with respect, whether they're LDS or not. Don't misunderstand. But I think culturally the church first needs to focus on members who are trying to remain faithful, but may be struggling. Instead of using your limited personal understanding of same-sex attraction (assuming you're heterosexual), why not ask someone who's faithful to the church that's also same-sex attracted what it's like to be them? Ask them what you can do to help lighten their burdens. Ask them how you can be a friend, and how you can serve them. Look up conference talks that talk about the subject. Pray, ponder, read scriptures and ask God for answers to your questions about how best to help. Perhaps in doing so, we can better learn to truly love those outside of our faith, and learn how to share the gospel with them in a loving and appropriate way. Let's get to that point, and move onward from there.

     I know that God loves all of His children. I have a testimony of the church and of Christ's restored gospel. I have a testimony of the priesthood. I have a testimony of the power that comes from loving and serving others. I have a testimony that the doctrines of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints are true, and even thought I'm imperfect and struggle and sin, I know that following God's commandments to the best of my ability will bring me the greatest happiness.

    

The Broken Wire

     This April, I had a lot going on...

     Early in the month I found out that I have borderline personality disorder. This came as somewhat of a shock, honestly. I mean in reality, when I first found out, I didn't even know what borderline was. I've struggled emotionally, socially, and mentally in certain ways most of my life, but I've only ever been officially diagnosed with depression and anxiety, and so all of the other issues I had I just assumed were a result of me being a "bad" person. Finding out I have borderline was a mixed bag of emotions...

      It was great to finally have answers. I could finally pinpoint behavioral and emotional issues and where they come from, and I could even make sense of issues in my past. I have answers now that I never had before. But on the same coin, I now have lots of new questions... Where do I go now? Now that I know the source, what can I do to fix it, to cope, or at least regulate my borderline episodes?

     Needless to say, this discovery of borderline has been a big source of stress...

     About a week after finding out that I have borderline, through talking to my friends and family about things I thought were just normal, I was recommended to go to a cardiologist. See, I was born with a pectus excavatum which is a condition where the ribs and sternum sink in, making a crater-like dent in the middle of the chest. Since I've only ever lived in my body, I thought it was totally normal to occasionally get piercing chest pains, shortness of breath, dizziness, and vomiting while working out or even in other less intense situations. I thought that at least it was because I wasn't in the best of shape (and that may be part of it). But I found out more recently that maybe that's not so normal... at least, not for other people. So, with concern from family and friends, and doing my own research, I decided it best to meet with a cardiologist.

     Upon going in, the cardiologist (well technically he's a cardiothoracic surgeon) said my pectus definitely looked deep enough to cause functional limitations, and ordered some tests to be done to measure how much of an effect it is having to confirm whether or not I should get/need to get surgery. The first test was an EKG, and the results of said test were that I have a "normal irregular" heartbeat (literally, that's what they told me), and also, my heart is not in the normal location within the chest. Instead, my heart is to the left, and close to the surface. The other two tests I did, which included a breath test and ultrasound on my heart both came back pretty normal, at least according to the technicians, and I still have a few more tests to do. So, I don't have an answer yet, but that's been happening.

     So yes, this was most definitely stressful. Especially considering that in the beginning, my main concern was that my aorta could potentially be dilated, and therefore at risk for bursting, but the tests so far have at least somewhat eased that fear. But, if you add on top of this the fact that about a week earlier I learned that I have borderline, then, yeah.... April was.... stressful....

     So almost all of April I was stressing about my borderline and my pectus excavatum and the potential health problems it may be causing, plus on top of that the normal stress of work, school, callings, etc.

     To top it all off, just a few days ago, my car broke down. Now, car breakdowns are traumatic and stressful experiences for me (as I'm sure they are for many people), especially because I work 40 minutes from home. So late on Thursday night I call my insurance company to tow my car to the repair shop, and call my dad to pick me up. On top of everything I've been stressing about, I now have car issues to worry about that could be expensive, and if it took a long time to fix, would also make it difficult to get to work.

     Well, Friday afternoon I get a call from the repair shop. They told me they found the problem, and it was just a little wire that connected to the ignition, and that was why the car died. The repair shop very generously fixed the small wire without cost, and once my father got home from work, he took me to pick up my car.

     Driving home, I had an interesting thought. What if all of the things I'm dealing with in this life are just little broken wires? What if my experiences seem so traumatic at the time, but once the problem is fixed, I can look back with a smile, a laugh, and a sigh of relief and realize it was something so small compared to the grand scheme of things? What's funny is I realized this is my "normal". Borderline personality disorder may seem alien to other people, in fact, most people don't even know what it is. I didn't know what it was until a month ago, yet I've been living it for years. But you know what? It's my "normal". My pectus excavatum and the issues that come with it are my "normal". I am my "normal". Now, that's not to say I don't need to change or fix things in my life, but that is to say that I can laugh, smile, and see the humor in being me as I seek to become a better person.

     Knowing my issues, my struggles, my quirks, helps me to figure out who I am, and who I can become. It's not an accident that I'm same-sex attracted, or that I'm an addict, or borderline, or deal with health issues relating to a pectus. No, it's no coincidence or accident. God knew that I needed all of these things to grow. And rather than wallow in fear and pain, I can look up to Heaven and smile while my heart beats to its "normal irregular" heartbeat. Life is so amazing. Of course, being borderline, I mean that now, but in a few minutes I might hate life. But that doesn't make my first statement untrue, because eventually I'll laugh again and realize life it amazing.

     This experience also taught me that Christ is the ultimate healer and mechanic. He has already paid the ultimate price, and all He asks is that I come with a broken heart and contrite spirit, and willingly accept His assistance. He can fix my broken wires, and He can make me whole. Of course, because Christ knows what is best for me, He may not fix everything right away. In fact, some things I may have to wait a lifetime to repair, but in the end I know that Christ will fix me and make me whole. And one day, I will look back on my broken wires, and I will smile and laugh and cry with gratitude for the experiences I had that shaped me and helped me grow, and I will have my loving Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ to thank for all of it. For without them, there would be no broken, and there would be no fixed, and there would be no me. And, despite all of the broken parts, it really is amazing to be me.

     My testimony tonight is one of God's love for me. I know He loves me. I know He has given me these circumstances that I may grow and progress. I know that the gospel of Jesus Christ is the one true gospel, and that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is where I belong, and what I need to progress to be with my Father in Heaven again. Struggles come, but it's okay. It's just me, and I want to live my "normal irregular" life to the fullest, and become the best 'me' that I can be.

Everything

     This is my post about everything.... or nothing.... or something.... or a thing.... or... yeah...

     Awkward intro sentence? Okay. Here we go.

     What's going on in my life? Well, life of course.... I don't know, is it just every day stuff? Or is there more? Is it abnormal? Probably. Whatever.

     Alright, so here's the deal. Life is amazing. Really it is. Sometimes I want to scream it from the rooftops. Life is hard. Really it is. Sometimes I want to fall on my face and give up. Life is painful. Really it is. Sometimes I want to curl up in a dark corner and cry. Life is a journey. Really it is. New choices are present every day, and the question is, which will I choose?

      Mitchell, how many more "Life is..." sentences are you going to write? Okay, okay fine. I'll stop.

     I guess I really don't know where I'm going with my life. I mean, I have a job that I mostly love, sometimes don't, and usually feel fulfilled with. I'm going to college, and that's what I feel like I should be doing, but I have no idea what to study or what field to get a degree in. I enjoy going to Church, but feel inadequate to fulfill my responsibilities because I missed my home teaching this month and have been slacking on my calling and other responsibilities. I enjoy spending time with my family, but feel like I'm not a good son/brother because I just don't know how to be my true self around them... I love my best friend, and enjoy spending time with him, but I have issues with anger, depression, jealousy, etc. that can make it taxing for both him and myself.

     I just haven't felt "happy" for quite some time now. I mean, I get a little taste of it every now and then. Sometimes I feel happy momentarily when I'm with my family or friends, I usually feel happy (or at least spiritual) at Church, sometimes I feel happy at school, and sometimes I just get little sparks of happiness throughout the day. Overall  though, I feel like I'm just not happy. What's weird is that I'm not completely depressed either. Well, at least not like I used to be. I'm sort of just in this awkward middle place where things aren't happy or sad. They just are.

     What's frustrating is that I know I've been on both sides. I've been consistently happy for quite some time in my life more than once. Conversely I've also been consistently sad/depressed for some time as well. But for the past few months it has been neither. So why the in-between? I've been trying to figure it out, but I'm just not sure.

     I guess part of it, and something that I thought of this week, may be the fact that I haven't visited the temple for some time. I know in the past when I attended, the following week and month would be so much better. Things seemed happier and I usually had a better and deeper perspective. Another, and perhaps more obvious piece of the puzzle has been that I haven't been praying or reading scripture nearly as often as I should.

    I miss my dog. I know that's random, especially to suddenly interrupt the blog post with a seemingly unrelated sentence, but I really do. I don't know why, but I just thought of it. That's not why I'm unhappy, but I realize that she was a really big help for me emotionally. She loved me no matter what I did (okay, it was love/hate... but to me, that was love). I was able to hold her, pet her, sit close to her, play with her, spend time with her, etc. She was a comfort, and an ever-present friend. Sometimes I really miss holding her, hearing her growl, kissing her, petting her, watching her go crazy after getting a bath... My baby was an amazing friend who I can't wait to see again.

     I love helping people, but I hate it at the same time. Does that make sense? Probably not... K. Let me try to explain. One of the things in my life that makes me the happiest is helping people, or at least giving service (even if super small).

     One of the highlights of my week was Thursday during school. I'm in an English class right now, and the assignment for the next few weeks is writing an "I Believe..." essay. The essay is supposed to focus around one core belief we have, and talk about why we believe it, what experiences we have had that led to this belief, and where we are now and where we think we will be relating to this belief. Considering that I can usually only write well about things I feel passionately about, I chose to make my essay about my testimony, and remaining faithful in the Church while dealing with trials that some consider make me incompatible to live a gospel-centered life. Basically, my essay consists of a very condensed version of "My Story", with some sentences and topics put in there to make it match the "I Believe" format.

     Anyway, this week in class, we brought our essays to have them peer reviewed and edited. Keep in mind that my essay is basically my life's story, so it included stuff about my addictions, depression, and yes, homosexuality. The first two people who edited my essay expressed empathy and sympathy, and gave me good feedback on how to improve my essay. I can appreciate empathy but sympathy is usually awkward for me... I want people to recognize the accomplishments I've made, and encourage me to continue to live a faithful life to what I believe and know to be true, rather than express how sorry they are for what I deal with... I know people probably have good intentions when they do it, but please don't say you're sorry that I deal with same-sex attraction. It's a fact of my life. I've moved on. And it's not something that I suffer because of. What I can't stand, though, is when people are "sympathetic" that I'm LDS and deal with same-sex attraction... please never apologize to me about my religion. I love my religion, and I have no regrets about the religious path I have chosen to follow.

     I keep getting off topic... two paragraphs ago I said I would tell you about the highlight of my week... Well, the third girl who edited my essay was very kind about it. She gave me good feedback, said she really appreciated the essay, and then I gave her feedback on hers. Time was up, and we went back to our seats to hear the last of the lesson. When I went back to my seat and looked over the edits she had put on my essay, I noticed that she had basically written me a letter on the back. In the letter, she told me she has been struggling recently. She mentioned she has been fairly inactive in the Church, and is just getting back in to activity. She said she could relate to many of the things in my essay (though I don't know what things specifically). And lastly, she shared that she had been praying to know whether the Church was true, and if she was doing the right thing, and said she felt my essay was part of her answer. Reading that gave me one of those moments of happiness.

     My essay wasn't amazing or ground-shattering. It was just my story, a list of life experiences, and tying it all in to what I believe and why I believe it. I wasn't expecting it to change anyone's life, and in fact I was sort of nervous to have people read it (which is strange, considering I'm out to anyone who decided to open my blog). The fact that it helped her made me really happy. It made me feel like I can make a difference in the world...

     Well, it's late. I should go to sleep... I don't know all the answers yet. Like I said earlier, life is a journey. Hopefully I'll find the answer someday. Happiness is out there, I just need to find how to best attain it in my own life. I love my Heavenly Father. I'm so thankful for every blessing I've been given. I hope I'll be able to let God in to my life so that I can continue to move forward in life, in the gospel, and in improving myself.

     I love you all. God bless.

Let It Snow

     What does Christmas (and the holiday season) mean to me? I've had the question on my mind a lot today, and I've been thinking about my own personal answer.
     One of the first things I decided to do was dissect what it has meant to me over the years. When I was really young, Christmas meant presents. That's what I always thought of. When I grew a little bit older, it started to mean presents and family. Then it changed to presents, family, traditions, etc. It kept evolving but it has only really been the past few years that my list has started to really include Christ. Christmas and the holidays, while presents and family still come to mind, also make me think of my Savior, or worship, or peace and love, of the plan and mission of God and Christ.
     I think one of the best ways for me to explain this change is to talk about snow. Yes, I'm totally serious. Snow. I love the snow. I've heard many people talk about the different things that show them that God loves them. Sometimes it's a sunny day, sometimes it's a warm feeling inside, sometimes it's a rainy day, etc. I've definitely felt God's love from such situations, but for me, I know God loves me when it snows.
     As I've mentioned before in my blog, I deal with depression. My depression can pop up throughout the entire year, but is most prevalent in the winter months. So I guess you could call it seasonal depression.
     The reason snow means so much to me is because when I was in some of my darkest moments, when I felt the most alone, because it happened so often in the winter, I would just sit and watch the snow fall. It was comforting. Snow is quiet, but alive. Watching it fall so quietly, so softly, so gentle made me think of God and Christ. While I often felt so alone in my depression, watching the snow made me feel that Christ was there with me. I wasn't alone. And God was using the snow to show me that even in the hard times, when the world was cold and life was bitter, there was a quiet beauty in the world, and you just had to learn to sit back and find the beauty in the storm.
     Snow, unlike rain, doesn't just wash away. Snow blankets the earth, protecting it under its layers. Blankets have long been a source of security for me. Even as an adult, while I don't carry a blanket around with me, when I go to bed at night, or am watching a movie, having a blanket over me helps me feel safe and calm. Watching the snow fall also gives me a sense of safety and calmness.
     I love the whiteness of snow. It's so beautiful and makes the world so bright. Even at night, the light from the moon is reflected off of the snow lighting up the world, and the brightness is even more-so during the day when the sun shines.  It also makes everything look so clean and pure.
     One thing that happened last year during the winter is that ice would cover my car each night, so in the morning, I'd have to scrape my car before leaving. Usually it's a pain, but last year I noticed that the ice made beautiful patterns on my car. All you had to do was look closely. I took some pictures of some of the really pretty designs:

 

     I love the snow and I love the holidays. I've definitely been feeling the effects of depression the past few weeks. My depression isn't the same as it was in the past, but it's still emotionally difficult to endure. The forecast for tomorrow calls for snow, though, so I know I'll have peace and comfort being able to watch it silently fall.
     Happy holidays everyone! And whether you like the snow or not, celebrate the life of Christ this season, and remember you're never alone and God always loves you.