Falling In Love

     I was asked this week to give a talk in church about having Christ as a constant companion, and throughout the week I brainstormed ideas and wrote my talk. What I actually said and what I wrote differed a little, but I figured I'd post the written version of my talk here on my blog:

For me, falling in love, not just love for a family member or a friend, but really falling in love with someone is one of the most powerful, overwhelming, and intoxicating feelings I’ve ever experienced. Falling in love has been so joyous and yet so painful, so safe and yet so dangerous.

I’ve only really fallen in love with 6 individuals throughout my life thus far. I’ve had many crushes on guys, and rarely girls, where I think wow, he’s really cute, or really nice, or really spiritual. But I’ve only really fallen in love 6 times, to different degrees.

Of the 6 people I’ve fallen for, 2 of them ever fell for me, too. And both of those relationships ended because eventually lines were crossed and mistakes were made. The relationships ended because it wasn’t a safe environment for me or them, and it wasn’t bringing us closer to God.

Of the remaining 4 relationships, those being the ones that didn’t fall in love in return, 1 died out simply because of distance. He moved away, and we didn’t really have a means of contact, so the relationship ended quite suddenly, and falling out of love with him followed soon after.

1 of the more painful endings for me was a friend I fell for before I really even knew I was gay, and definitely before I knew that what I was feeling was being in love with him. He was straight, and I had put a lot of work into building our friendship. But I guess I came on too strong, and even though I didn’t even know at the time that what I was feeling was love, I made him uncomfortable, and eventually he cut contact with me for that.

The last 2 relationships are ones I still have today. 1 of them, and actually the only 1 on this list that’s a girl, was someone I fell in love with over time. We were friends and eventually best friends throughout our childhood. And somewhere along the way, as I got older, I fell for her. But for reasons that I’m not even aware of, the being “in love” just very slowly died out. Despite that, her and I are still in contact, and I still consider her one of my best friends.

The final relationship I have to talk about was someone that I fell intensely for. Out of all of the relationships, this was the strongest for me. So strong in fact that I put him on a pedestal, and created this false belief in my infatuation that he was a perfect being. I was so entranced that I made him into something that he wasn’t. And it wasn’t fair to me or him.  After years of believing he was perfect, reality finally hit me. I realized that I had fallen for him so deeply that he had essentially become my deity. I turned to him when I had gospel questions, and not God. I talked to him far more than I talked to God. That’s not to say that he was a bad influence on me, because he wasn’t and hasn’t been. He has actually been a great influence who honestly has saved my testimony and even life on multiple occasions. But the bad influence for me was my own choice to leave God behind in favor of someone who, while an honestly fantastic human being and fantastic friend, isn’t and can’t be perfect as a mortal. I’ve just now been coming to the realization the past couple weeks that if I want our friendship to continue and be healthy and beneficial for the both of us, I need to find ways to put God first.

There are a few reasons why I bring these situations up. One of them is that I feel that some of those can be related to my relationship with God. Like the first 2 relationships, when I have committed sin, I have pushed myself away from God and lost some of the deeper contact I had before the mistake. Like the relationship that died out simply because of distance, there have been multiple times where my relationship with God suffered simply because I didn’t put myself in situations where I was close to him. Like the relationship that I slowly fell in love with, and slowly out of love with, my relationship with God has gone up and down. Sometimes God has seemed like just an acquaintance, other times a friend, and other times a best friend. And there have been a few times in my life where I had put God at the forefront of my time and attention like the last relationship I mentioned. Where I treated Him like the perfect being that He is. And treated him like my God.

The other, is that I’ve realized that when I fall for someone, they often become the most important person to me, and get first priority in many ways. If I want to text someone, I’ll text them first. If I want to call someone, I call them first. If I want to spend time with someone, I spend time with them first, etc. I often also try to be like them, or at least try to like the things that they like. For example, I used to say my favorite animal was horses simply because I knew that my best friend who I was in love with said horses were her favorite animal.

But really the reason I bring this up is that I’m starting to realize how great it would be if I could fall in love with God. Because if I could fall in love with God, He could be the first one I text. He could be the first one I call. He could be the first one I spend time with. And He could be the first one I follow. If God loves people, then I can try to as well. If God’s favorite animal is a giraffe, I can try to make that my favorite animal, too. That’s not to say that I want to lose my uniqueness, nor do I think that’s what God wants me to do. But I want to find a way to fall in love with God, to honestly and deeply fall in love with God, so that I can follow Him more deeply and with more conviction and with more surety.

God is perfect. Unlike some of the other relationships that ended in painful ways, God would not cut off the relationship with me. Only I can do that. Unlike the relationships where I put my trust in someone who may honestly be a fantastic person who can help me immensely, but is ultimately mortal and imperfect, God is not. God is immortal and perfect. If I can truly fall in love with God, maybe I won’t need to worry about pleasing others or trying to be in love.

But how can I fall in love with God? Honestly, I don’t completely know. It seems difficult for me because my two main love languages are physical touch and quality time. And I don’t think it’s possible for God to physically touch me, at least in the way I comprehend physical touch, while I’m a mortal. And I’m not sure how quality time works since I can't really hand God a controller and have Him play Super Smash Bros. or Mario Kart with me. But some of the ideas that I have had are that I can talk with Him. Like I call my best friend at least once a day, I can learn to talk to God at least once a day. Like I mimicked my friends favorite animal, perhaps I can learn to implement God’s favorite things and things that God loves into my life. I can spend time to get to know God. After-all I’ve never fallen for someone I didn’t know. And God has scriptures, conference talks, and prayer available to get to know Him. I can come to church to learn of Him, and to share of what I have learned. There are many good things that I can do to get to know God. I just need to do them.

In reality, I don’t know how or when I will fall in love with God. It could be a month, a year, or maybe a lifetime. But I really feel that if I want to live a life with Christ as my constant companion, I need to have Him be my number one. And I need to trust and know that He loves me no matter what, and that He is perfect, and would not hurt me or lead me astray. I can't fully control who I fall in love with, but if God really is perfect, what isn't there to fall for?

The Power of Song

Music has the power to do so much good, or so much bad, and I have seen that manifested many many times in my personal life.

Recently in my life I have felt very overwhelmed physically (work, school, etc.), emotionally (anxiety, depression, etc.), and spiritually (callings and responsibilities at Church, personal study and prayer, etc.). In all honesty, my testimony has been pretty weak for the past few months, not in regards to any particular subject, and I don't really have doubts, but just in the sense that I haven't been nurturing my testimony as much as I should. I haven't been saying my prayers, I haven't been reading the scriptures, etc. and so my testimony has weakened a bit, but now I'm working on getting it strong again.

I attended one semester at UVU, but it wasn't working with my work schedule, so I left after the first semester and started looking at other options. I was thinking of online, and had basically decided on an online college when my best friend's mom mentioned something called Pathway through BYU-Idaho that is mostly online, and has weekly gatherings locally. I looked it up, and felt it was definitely the right option, and signed up even though it was 2 days past the deadline, but I got in! While it's only my second week attending gatherings and institute, I honestly feel like it is the right place for me, and the spiritual environment is so important for me right now. The fact that we talk about God and the Church and its doctrines so openly, and apply it to what we're learning is fantastic, as it has helped me stay on track with my faith.

Now, on to the main subject (or what I planned to be the main subject...) of this post. Tonight, after attending gathering through Pathway, I went out to my car feeling a sense of exhilaration and euphoria that only comes from having had a spiritual experience (at least in my life). I felt so good, and I just wanted to share it with everyone. The times I most often get this feeling is after very spiritual experiences or circumstances such as after watching a Church-made video, watching a touching conference talk, watching a great Voice(s) of Hope video, having a great institute class, etc. Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is I love feeling like that, and it's a feeling that makes me want to tell everyone how good I feel, and how good God is, and that Jesus is the Christ and Savior of the world, and that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and the Book of Mormon are absolutely true.

Already having really exhilarating emotions and feelings, I turned on my music while driving home from Pathway, and as I often do, turned my music up fairly loud and sang along. Sometimes when I sing in my car, it's a soft quiet singing, or even sometimes just humming. Sometimes it's more average volume/intensity singing. But when I'm really feeling the Spirit, really on that emotional and spiritual "high", I sing with enthusiasm, confidence, praise, etc. and really pour my heart into my singing, usually singing with so much gusto that my voice cracks, or I start coughing because I don't have water in my car to moisten my throat, or I start crying because I really get into it and it's a very spiritual song. But in those moments, it doesn't matter. I'm singing along to my Christian music, and feel closer to God than I have more recently.

Tonight, I just wanted to share with you all the 4 songs that touched me most on my drive home. The 4 songs that I sang most enthusiastically, the 4 songs that really made a difference, the 4 songs that helped me strengthen my love of God and His gospel tonight.

The first song that played when I got in my car was In Christ Alone by Owl City

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Second notable song was Stolen by Brandon Heath

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Third is Strangely Dim by Francesca Battistelli

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And the last is Find You On My Knees by Kari Jobe

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(I do not own the rights to any of these songs, or the videos used to show them)

So why do I share all of this? Because I love Christian music. Because I love God. Because I love how I feel tonight. Because I want others to feel this way, too. Because I know how much good music can do, and I want to teach people to use music to bring them closer to God. Because if I didn't share, I would be totally selfish and ignoring the first big prompting I've received in months.

Life has been hard recently. My testimony has been week. But tonight, I got a glimpse of what life could be like, of what I would feel like, if I let God back into my life and I start nurturing my testimony again and living my life in such a way as to invite the Holy Spirit to be with me. Christian music is an amazing thing. Jesus Christ lives and atoned and died for all of us. The Church is true. And while my testimony may not be rock-solid right now, at least I know those two things are true.

Messages, Emails, Overwhelmed.

So.... It's late at night....

I'm pretty tired..... and usually when I'm tired and can't fall asleep, I get emotional and, well, more tired....

But this is a blog post where I wanted to apologize...

With the new calling I've gotten in my ward, I've had to check my emails more often, and realized I've had people emailing me who I, for the most part, haven't been responding to simply because it is so overwhelming to me...

I almost never get on Facebook anymore, but just happened to do so tonight to follow through with some things that had to do with emails.... and decided to check my messages.... and.... well, lets just say I have close to 50 unanswered Facebook messages.... Almost all of them from people reaching out to me because of my blog, or because of my Voice(s) of Hope video....

Many of these messages are from people asking for help and advice, or just wanting someone to talk to. Because many of these people are not my "friends" on Facebook, their messages went to my "Other" box, which does not send you notifications.... and in my "Other" inbox, I found over 30 messages.... some more than a year old that I've never seen or read before....

I am writing this blog post because I want to apologize to some of those who have attempted to contact me in some way and I have never gotten back to you. I truly wish I could get back to all of you, help all of you, be someone to talk to... But right now, life is just too demanding and preoccupying... and so I wanted to apologize.

In all honesty, I don't think I will ever be able to go through and adequately respond to all of the messages I have received.

We are all children of a loving Heavenly Father, and while I wish I could help everyone who reaches out to me personally, I have limits that I can't help.

I don't want this post to be a deterrent either. Please don't feel like you can't reach out to me. If you feel the need or desire to contact me, please try. And I'll do what I can within my limit to respond. But if I can't, please understand that I still love you, and truly wish I could.

Life is crazy, and I want people to know I love them, and that I want to be there for them, but I also need to be realistic and honest about my limits.

So please forgive me for my faults, or if I have ever caused offense or pain because I wasn't able to respond, or never got your messages.

Life is tiring, but life is good. The future is bright, and I'll keep trying my best.

Well, it's late. I should probably try to sleep ;)

God Bless,

With love and appreciation,

Mitchell Clark

"Pray the Gay Away"

     Ever heard that phrase? I have. I've heard it multiple times, including today. "Pray the gay away" is a phrase used in reference to a belief some people have that people with same-sex attraction can just pray to God, and that God will remove their attractions toward members of the same-sex and replace it with an attraction towards the opposite-sex. Some people believe that being same-sex attracted is a sin in and of itself, or at least an "impurity", even if it is never acted on.
     I'm still in my YSA ward I mentioned in blog posts before (YSA stands for Young Single Adults). I've shared my testimony about same-sex attraction multiple times in this ward for the whole ward to hear. Well, today during Sunday School a woman from the stake pulled me out of class saying she wanted to talk to me. I went out and stood in the hall with her. I don't really know her position in the stake, and I don't really know her, but I have seen her before.
     Well, we stood for a second before she brought up my same-sex attraction that I had shared about months ago. She told me she had been wanting to talk to me ever since I had shared my testimony months ago, but never got the chance until now. She didn't speak the best English, but she basically explained to me how if I pray to God that my attractions will go away, and told me that God can make me "love a woman" and that I should get married to a girl and not sit alone at Church. I wanted so badly to explain to her how wrong she was, to make her realize how wrong she was, but I couldn't. She was an older woman, her English wasn't all that great, and I could tell from her tone, firmness, and the tears in her eyes that she honestly believed what she was saying.
     I was frustrated. I was offended. I was sad. How could she honestly believe that? I've heard it before from many other people telling me I chose to be gay, and that I could just pray and God would fix me, but something was different this time. The other times that I heard it said, I was still trying to figure things out myself, so it seemed like feedback more than insult, but this time, since I have an unshakeable testimony about the subject already, it felt like an insult, a slap in the face. I could tell she had the right intentions, but she was sorely misinformed.
     Can I really blame her though? I mean I once believed the same thing. I tried praying and praying and praying begging God to take it away. I mean, why wouldn't I? People hated me because of it. I got bullied, picked on, and I constantly felt un-included and isolated. I even hated myself for it. I honestly believed that I was an abomination to God and that's why he wouldn't take it away. But you know what? My understanding is completely different now. Could God take my attractions away? In theory, yes. God can do anything. But there are certain things God decides not to do, and He always has a reason for it.
     I'll try to explain it this way. Say you were born with only one leg. Do you think that just by praying about it, God would suddenly give you a new leg? Or if you have autism, that just by praying it would suddenly be cured? Or an addiction, does God just instantly take that away? Or you're homeless, does God just make money rain from the sky? God could do all those things, and in some very rare cases he has (scriptures about Christ healing the sick and lame, for example), but for the most part, God gives us support throughout our trials without ever completely curing us. We are given trials in this life so that we can grow spiritually and rely on God more wholly.
     I don't hate the lady who said that to me today, and I don't hate the other people who have told me that. Do I have frustrated emotions to resolve? Yes, but I don't hate them. More than anything I'm sad for them, sad that they misunderstand the gift God gave me. Sad for the people they may meet in the future who deal with SSA who may get the same "Pray the gay away" response from them. Same-sex attraction has definitely had a role in bad things that happened in my life, but it wasn't the sole cause, and ultimately it boils down to my free agency when I make a mistake, and doesn't necessarily point to any one condition or circumstance.
     I just want everyone to know that everyone is human, and everyone deserves just as much respect and love as the next person. God loves all His children, and so should we. We should be careful what we say about sensitive subjects. Don't come to conclusions without first investigating the issue yourself. I recognize that there are stories out there of Christians (both and the LDS faith and others) who claim to have been rid of their same-sex attractions. I'm not here to say it's not possible. If it worked for them, then great for them, but it doesn't mean it works for everyone, and it definitely doesn't mean the people it doesn't work for are sinners. I know that I will not be "free" from my attractions in this life. That isn't part of God's plan for me. And you know what? I'm happy about that. My attractions, my struggles, everything about me has made me who I am today, and I wouldn't trade that for anything in the world.
     There are people who love and support me as best they can, who don't reject me because of things I can't control, and I know that God doesn't reject me either. God loves me completely and wholly.
     I know same-sex attraction is such a complex topic in the Church, but always approach it with sensitivity and care. Don't try to make others' feel like sinners, for we are all sinners. Help them feel like equals. Love them into the gospel, don't reject them in the very place they should be most accepted. Don't enable them to sin, but at the same time don't hate them and drive them away.
     I know I need to work on being more loving and outgoing in my ward, and I know that the Church has the potential to be very loving, welcoming, and understanding of everyone, but there's still a lot of work to do there. Life is good though. I know God lives. I know God loves me. And I know all that He put in my life was meant to bring me closer to Him and become who I was meant to be.

Voices of Hope, My Video! ;D

Soooo...... My video came out! Finally! Ahhhhh! I was so excited! I didn't post it one here until now because, well, the day it came out was an extremely eventful day in many different ways (which I will talk about later). Anyway, just thought I'd share it here! The video I posted above is the full-length interview. There is a highlight (a shorter more condensed version) available, but I watched both and liked the full interview a lot more. Hope you enjoy it! I know I did! And this is probably stuck-up for me to say, but this video made me realize how good-looking I actually am. (You learn something new every day)....
;D ;D ;D
Also, if you're on a mobile device, or the video just doesn't show up, you can access it here at this link; http://ldsvoicesofhope.org/voice.php?v=46#.UvVpOruPKW8 which will take to you the VoH website, and specifically to my video.

Life is amazing!!!!!! Love you all!

I choose Love

     I decided today I wanted to do a post on friendship, specifically male-male friendships. I've done posts like this before, but I've seen it hashed over other sites over and over, so I decided "Why not?". And better yet (for me anyways because it makes it easier) I chose 2 characters from my favorite movie series and book trilogy. So what does it mean to have a true friendship? I'm not talking about a "homie", a "bro", the guy you shake hands with and say "whatsup?" to but never spend time with, the guy you hang out with, but never talk about emotions with. I'm talking about real friendship. A friendship where you feel completely accepted and loved. Yes, loved. And here we are, my example; Frodo and Sam from The Lord of the Rings.

     True friendship is emotional. It's not something on the surface. You can't be close to someone when your conversation never moves past "what's up?". If you can't express your true self to someone, you are oppressing a basic human need, one that everyone has, and that's the ability to express yourself. Guys are viewed as completely sexual beings. When you're with your "homie's" you're supposed to talk about girls, sports, "manly" things. You're not supposed to cry, you're not supposed to love each other, you're not ever supposed to say the word love, your supposed to be emotionless, otherwise, you're seen as weak, and often labeled as homosexual. The truth of the matter is homosexuality has nothing to do with the basic human need of emotional expression.

Frodo: I can't do this, Sam. 

Sam: I know. It's all wrong. By rights we shouldn't even be here. But we are. It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something. 

Frodo: What are we holding onto, Sam? 

Sam: That there's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo... and it's worth fighting for. 

I'm glad to be with you, Samwise Gamgee... here, at the end of all things.

     Love, that being non-sexual love, is not strictly heterosexual. People need close relationships with the same-sex, close, emotional, bonding, true friendships. Look at the beginning of my life, I had no guy friend whatsoever, and the consequences for me emotionally were immense. There is nothing wrong, and nothing homosexual about hugging another guy, crying in the presence of another guy, expressing your heart, even loving one another in non-romantic ways. Even speaking of romance puts up walls for people. Romance has been skewed as well in the modern culture. Friendship can be intimate (of course not crossing the line of intimate sexually) and not be romantic at all. Example:

     My best friends are ones I can be completely open with. My friends who will hug me, tell me they love me, and care about me. The real me, the emotional and spiritual me. It makes me so sad to know that there are millions of people out there affected by social "norms" stating that any emotionally binding relationship between members of the same sex is homosexual. I feel monumentally blessed to have friends who believe otherwise, and who're willing to challenge social norms to truly love me and care for me. Christ loves and cares for all of us, male and female, all the same. God loves all of us, male and female. They love us all truly, they love us for who we are. Social "norms" have never altered God's laws, and they never will. I choose Love. I choose happiness. I choose to have true friendships. I choose my own destiny.

Crumbling

     I think it's safe to say that this has been one of the most challenging weeks of my life. And not even in the way challenging is usually defined for me. The times I most often struggle, or at least what I struggle with are my spirituality, struggles with addiction, relapses, depression, relationship issues, etc. Those have definitely been present this week, but they weren't the forefront.
     Work sent me spinning in all different directions. It was like everything there turned against me. One day, my work phone breaks, I'm not able to make or receive the phone calls I need, the next day my computer is having major issues, and I can't do what I need to, then I didn't even have access to the systems I needed to do the work my managers were requesting of me, and I.T. was taking their time to get those installed for me. Then, once I finally got everything fixed and working as close to good as I could and once I start making progress with the job I've been assigned, my managers decide to throw me a curve ball, and have me start doing work I've never been trained to do, on a system they don't even know how to use, and a type of work that's time consuming and makes it hard to reach the #'s I'm expected to reach.
     Then I realize my medication I'm on for depression isn't even working anymore. My moods have been everywhere, and I do mean everywhere. Even my best friend and family have observed that I can be super happy one moment, and as quick as 5 seconds later, become the complete opposite, depressed, sad, and angry within a time period as short as a few seconds. Now I'm having to consider my options. Maybe I need to get on mood stabilizers, maybe consider changing my diet. I don't know.
      Then there's been my relationships. Trying to balance everything has not been easy, and it's definitely taking a toll in my friendships and relationships. Even just last night I was out to dinner with my family, and my mood had plummeted low enough that I literally felt weighted down. My mood was so low that I almost felt like I could cut the air around me with a knife because it was so thick. My throat felt tight, and everything just seemed quiet. I know my family could tell, and I know my mood was affecting them. I ended up asking to be excused to see if I could step outside for a while to make a phone call to a friend and try to lighten the circumstances.
     I've seen behaviors resurface in my friendships now that I thought I had buried some time ago. Insecurity being one of them. Never knowing if I'm good enough, and always asking for reassurance. It's not something I'm proud of at all, though I am insecure in things, it has pained me to ask for compliments. I think ultimately it comes down to me being secure enough about myself, and keeping in the forefront of my mind at all times that God loves me, and that I love Him. Then there's this deeply rooted habit I have of seeing the negative so readily, seeing the things that could be better, but then having such a hard time seeing and truly appreciating the things that are already good.
     In short, my week has been far crazier than I wished. I've fallen into dark spots, been on some highs, and some very deep lows, and been moving between emotions far faster than I would like. But, as hard as life can be, and as hard as it can be at times for me to see the positive when the negative seems to be under a spotlight and magnifying glass, there has been positive.

     I have amazing friends, and amazing people in my life who love me and support me. I have a knowledge of where I came from, a knowledge of where I am, and a knowledge of where I can be. I have the ability to speak with my Father in Heaven, and have Him speak back to me. I have a best friend who loves me, and forgives me more than I ever have, and spends time with me making life much more bare-able. I have the blessing of a full-time job, as stressful as it may be. I have the blessing of the gospel in my life. I have the blessing to have a ward I can attend where, though imperfect, I can feel loved and learn of God.
     I don't know where I'd be in life if it wasn't for everything I've been through. If I didn't deal with SSA, I wouldn't have the friends I have now because I never would have met them. I never would've started this blog, or been part of the Voices of Hope Project. I wouldn't have the patience, love, courage, understanding, ability to love and empathize with people that I have. I would never have grown as close to God as I have. Much of this applies to all my struggles, addictions, depression, stress, every-day struggles. If I look back on my life, where would I be without them? God gave them to me not because He wanted me to suffer. God doesn't want anyone to suffer. He gives us trials, or at least lets us be tried because He knows that ultimately it will be for our betterment. Ultimately it will get us where we need to be if we learn to follow Him. Ultimately we will become our full potential through the lessons we learn.
     I guess I need to keep that in mind, life might be hard, but where would I be if it wasn't? I am loved, everyone is loved whether you feel like it or not. I can be forgiven. Life might be crazy, but everything will work out eventually. There will be pain, misery, suffering, and mistakes in life, but there will also be growth, joy and happiness, praise, thanksgiving, fun, enjoyment, and love. Life is full of many things, and is something that should be treasured as life itself is one of the greatest gifts from God.

   

True Mind, True Heart, True Spirit

     I was watching my favorite cartoon series of all time; "Avatar: The Last Airbender". I've used quotes from it before, but this time while I was watching it, I picked up on quotes I hadn't really thought of before or picked up on. I think they are so amazing, and so true. And.... spoken from the mouth of a lion turtle ;)

"The true mind can weather all the lies and illusions without being lost. The true heart can tough the poison of hatred without being harmed. Since beginningless time, darkness thrives in the void, but always yields to purified light."



     "The true mind can weather all the lies and illusions without being lost." I loved this line.
And, of course, me being me compared it to my life, to the world today. Look at what's going on in the world; wars, contentions, lies, murder, abuse, laws being put in place against moral standards put in place by the Creator of this world, the Giver of Life, Giver of all Good Things, God. The world is filled with lies, every where you go, sin is seen as good, wonderful, acceptable, normal. Accepting those sins is seen as the only way to "love" someone.

     Yes, I'm going to bring it up; gay marriage. The world would have you believe that "love" is never wrong, no matter who, or what sex it is between. That God has no right to claim otherwise, and that if you do not support same-sex marriage, that you hate and persecute those who strive for it. What a lie that is, and yet how many people fall for it! How many people have fallen for the lie that "so long as you love someone, it's ok to have sex before marriage." that "revenge is ok, if someone has hurt you." that "it's ok not to forgive someone if they've done something wrong to you or someone you love." that "it's ok to judge and gossip and look down on others." that "there is no sin, God doesn't exist, we all die anyway." or even that "God does exist, but will beat us with a few stripes and forgive us all our wrongs anyway, we don't have to do our part because He will make up the difference whether we try or not." There are millions of lies spread throughout the world. They're one of Satan's greatest tools.

     Then, the other day I came across a wonderful scripture; "2 Nephi 2:13 And if ye say there is no law, ye shall also say there is no sin. If ye shall say there is no sin, ye shall also say there is no righteousness. And if there be no righteousness there be no happiness. And if there be no righteousness nor happiness there be no punishment nor misery. And if these things are not there is no God. And if there is no God we are not, neither the earth; for there could have been no creation of things, neither to act nor to be acted upon; wherefore, all things must have vanished away." Fits perfectly. If we deny the truth God has placed before us, we deny God himself, and if we deny God, we deny even ourselves, even our very existence, even the existence of life.

     "The true heart can tough the poison of hatred without being harmed." True heart can tough hatred, persecution, standing alone, being betrayed, and not be harmed. One of my best friends is a wonderful example of this. He has been through so much in regards to other people. So many people have stabbed him in the back, hated him for his decisions to follow God, been betrayed by people who called themselves friends', and been dealt a rough hand in life, yet still he loves without ceasing everyone around him. He forgives without a second thought. An even more perfect example of this is Christ. Persecuted, hated, betrayed, and finally sent to His death by the very people He loved so dearly and pleaded for daily. And even on the cross He begged for them to be forgiven, and still He loved them.

     If my heart and mind are true, I can weather all pain and lies, and not be corrupted; for "darkness thrives in the void, but always yields to purified light."

 

     

Voice(s) of Hope Promo Video

     Well, first off I haven't posted on here for quite a while. Life has presented all sorts of things to keep me busy and on my toes. New job, new responsibilities, family and friend activities, etc. It has been enjoyable, definitely, but exhausting nonetheless.
     The Voices of Hope project recently released a promo video, which I was featured in. To be honest, I didn't know I was going to be featured in it, but I feel so blessed that I had the opportunity to be. I definitely owe the credit to my friends and family who have guided me along this journey of life, and most especially to God who has been there to help me through every situation.
     Well, here it is;

(P.S. If you're on mobile, for whatever reason, the video doesn't always show up. You can click here to visit the video directly; https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=omhIK1ImVQc&feature=player_embedded&noredirect=1 )

Love you all!

I Love You...

     So much for me saying I wanted to blog about this the day after my last post "Update: This Crazy Week I've Lived". Well, the past few days have presented their own form of crazy. Lots going on, not enough time to get on the computer to type. So this is why I'm finally taking care of this post today. But lucky me, I got to go through some more experiences that better prepared me to do this post.
     As stated in my last post, I've fallen for one of my best friends, and he has expressed that he shares those feelings towards me. It has been hard not to pursue a relationship with him because part of me wants that, to feel close and intimate with him beyond what a friendship can bring. There has also been a large part of me, however, that realizes that is not what I want spiritually, and it's definitely not what I want for him.
     I was thinking the other day about what would happen if I were to pursue a relationship with him. He and I had both expressed a desire to be with each other beyond friendship, but if we were to take that path, what would it bring? Where would we both be later on if we made this decision? Would I actually be happy?
     One of the biggest factors for me regarding my decision was my feelings for him. No, I don't just mean attraction or infatuation, I mean the actual love for him that I have, the part of me that sees him as a son of God, that sees the infinite potential he has, and that desires him to be happy and successful in every way. That part of me, that desire I have to see him reach the highest level of glory and happiness is what has driven my decisions. As good as it may feel to cross the line with him, either by pursuing relationship or by acting out, ultimately my desire to see both he and I reach the Celestial Kingdom is more important to me than mortal gratification.
     I truly believe and support the teachings of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and I agree with their teachings on marriage and morality. It is because of this belief, because of the testimony and personal revelation I have received that I know the choices I'm making regarding my relationship with him is right. I have never felt the way I feel about him before, but it is because of that love that I am able to see his potential, and I am able to care about him spiritually rather than simply physically.



     I'm not trying to say it has been easy, in fact it has been very hard. It's hard to resist temptations and desires which are so strong and real. We've gotten close to crossing the line, but were able to avoid making mistakes together. It's because of these situations that we've been able to look at our friendship and reevaluate. We've both been working on boundaries in our friendship to keep one another safe. We've reached compromises and been able to take our relationship, as full of temptation and passion as it can be, and make it more healthy and spiritually fulfilling.
    It has been a process, and it's been hard. We are still working on it each day, and as painful as it can be sometimes, I've felt closer to God because of it. I've been able to open my eyes, my spiritual eyes, and see my friend as the son of God that he really is, and be able to care for him far beyond just physical and mortal matters.
    One question, concern, (whatever you'd like to call it), that has been brought up to me, and I'm sure will continue to be brought up, is why I don't just pursue a relationship with him. Why not give in? If you both love each other, is it really wrong? Who's to say the Church is correct in it's teachings? Why would God give you feelings for each other if it's wrong? And all sorts of things like that.
     My answer to all of those is that I know what is right and wrong, I have a testimony that I cannot deny, I believe in what the Church teaches, and I love my friend far more than just as an object or life-long partner. I couldn't enter a relationship with him knowing the consequences that will follow in the coming life for both of us. I just couldn't bring myself to harm him or myself like that.
     But Mitchell, if a relationship with him would bring you happiness (which to a degree, it would), why not just go for it? My answer to this question is that I have felt more love, more happiness, more fulfillment and belonging, more understanding and hope when I'm feeling the spirit, when I'm close to God, when I'm doing what I know God wants me to, when I receive a blessing, when I go to the temple, etc. than I have ever felt "fulfilling" my attractions towards the same-sex by acting out or even just considering a relationship. Even though I admittedly struggle with my spirituality at times, as I'm sure everyone does, I also know what it feels like when I am close to God, when I have those spiritual experiences. And I would not trade those for anything. I've received more fulfillment and happiness from God and living His commandments than anything this world could give me.



 

     I love you all! Storms may arise, in fact storms will arise, challenges will present themselves, doubt and fear may sink in, conflicting emotions and ideas may arise, but so long as I stick to what I know and believe, I will be ok, I will feel love and comfort in the Savior's arms.

Why Remain LDS?

     First off, I apologize for the long wait in between posts. These past few weeks have been quite busy. I was working on my Voices of Hope essay, and finally finished it, spent time with very good friends, and was just working, going to institute, and keeping myself busy. It was a good kind of busy, but busy nonetheless. Anyways, here's my new post, love you all!

     There seems to be a theme in the conversations I've had with people these past two weeks. I've had multiple people ask me "Why are you a member of a faith that doesn't let you "be yourself"? Why don't you go out and be "true" to yourself and your feelings? Why not go out and live a life that makes you happy?" etc. etc. It has been almost funny to me that all these questions are coming up, that so many people automatically assume I'm either miserable or not living a happy life just because I'm LDS and deal with SSA. The thing is I am happy!
     I find it interesting that so many people assume that because I am attracted to men, but that I'm not dating men or planning on having any sort of romantic relationship with a man, that it somehow automatically means I'm denying my true self. An alcoholic craves alcohol, but just because he chooses not to drink because he knows that alcohol can destroy his life, does that mean that he isn't happy? Does that mean he isn't being true to himself? I'm not comparing alcoholism to SSA, however, the analogy is much the same.
     I recognize that some people may claim to find "happiness" in living a gay lifestyle, in being with a partner of the same-gender, but through what I've learned and experienced, that's not what brings me happiness, nor will it bring me happiness in the future. I, for some time, basically lived a gay lifestyle, in many ways. I became inactive in the Church, I acted out with another guy, I was defining myself by my attractions, I thought it would bring me happiness, I thought I was being true to myself. I soon realized, however, that that was not the case. I wasn't happy, if anything, I was miserable. I felt so disconnected and isolated, I didn't feel God's presence in my life.
     I realized that being true to myself doesn't mean acting on every carnal desire I have, it means reaching my full potential. Who am I? I am a son of our Heavenly Father. That is what defines me, that is being true to myself. I am a child of God, and because I love God and I love the blessings He has given me, I strive to live my life according to the standards He has put in place because I know that in so doing, I will be happy, I am happy, and it's a happiness nothing of this world could give me, including a man I could fall in love with.



     Why remain LDS? Because I love it. It is what brings me happiness, it's what I know to be true, it's what is important to me. My relationship with God is worth more than any romantic relationship I could pursue with another man, and I wouldn't trade my testimony for anything.

The Essence of Being a God

     One thing a lot of people question is why does the church not allow same-sex marriage in the temple? Why can same-sex couples not be sealed? This is my insight on it.
     See, the thing is we have a Heavenly Father and Mother, and together, they are God. I do not believe same-sex marriage could ever work out as a God, and the reason is this; the entire reason God is God is so that He and She could have spirit children, and to give those spirit children a chance to become as God's themselves. God is God so that this can happen. Like parents who seek to have and raise children, so is God, but on a grander scale.
     Gender is an essential part not only of God's plan, but of becoming a God. This is a large reason why we needed a body. We needed gender to be expressed physically, thereby giving us the ability to create life. The reproductive capabilities will naturally transfer over as well, meaning if it were possible that a same-gender couple could become a "God", they'd lose their ability to be a God, because they, due to gender, cannot have children, which therefore takes out the whole reason for being a God, which is to have and raise your own spirit children. I believe this is why God will not allow same-sex marriage eternally, because it goes against the very essence of being a God. It's not to "punish" us (those with SSA) it's to guide us and give us the ability to become Gods. It is because God loves us.
     Some may argue that marriage is not, or should not, be essential for eternal life. I believe the same principles apply. You cannot reproduce with yourself. Man and Woman as a couple become one. They complete each other, giving not only the reproductive capabilities, but all the abilities expressed by a God. Again, God is not just He, rather, God is He and She, Heavenly Mother and Father. D&C 131:2; "And in order to obtain the highest, a man must enter into this order of the priesthood (meaning the new and everlasting covenant of marriage)"
     Now granted, due to circumstances, trials, &/or choices of their own or others, some people may not have the chance to get married in this life. It has been indicated that under these circumstances, God will provide that person with a spouse in the next life. I see no reason why God would take away the chance for someone who lived worthily to live as a God simply because they were not given a chance for marriage in this life.
     Some may also bring up the point that there are some opposite-sex (heterosexual) couples where one or both of them are unable to reproduce for whatever reason that may be, and may argue that if that's the case, why can't a same-sex couple, who cannot reproduce together, not be given the chance to become a God together? The reasoning is this, in my mind; Christ and God can heal all infirmities if we believe on him. In the next life, if we have lived worthily, God will heal all our sicknesses and infirmities. Reproductive ability, I believe, can and will be restored in the next life, therefore giving the heterosexual couple the ability to become a God, but the same-sex couple not.
     Please understand that I am not trying in any way, shape, or form to be rude, hateful, or judging of people who have made the decision to marry same-sex, I am merely trying to explain why the church has decided what it has and how I have been shown how things will work out.