Everything

     This is my post about everything.... or nothing.... or something.... or a thing.... or... yeah...

     Awkward intro sentence? Okay. Here we go.

     What's going on in my life? Well, life of course.... I don't know, is it just every day stuff? Or is there more? Is it abnormal? Probably. Whatever.

     Alright, so here's the deal. Life is amazing. Really it is. Sometimes I want to scream it from the rooftops. Life is hard. Really it is. Sometimes I want to fall on my face and give up. Life is painful. Really it is. Sometimes I want to curl up in a dark corner and cry. Life is a journey. Really it is. New choices are present every day, and the question is, which will I choose?

      Mitchell, how many more "Life is..." sentences are you going to write? Okay, okay fine. I'll stop.

     I guess I really don't know where I'm going with my life. I mean, I have a job that I mostly love, sometimes don't, and usually feel fulfilled with. I'm going to college, and that's what I feel like I should be doing, but I have no idea what to study or what field to get a degree in. I enjoy going to Church, but feel inadequate to fulfill my responsibilities because I missed my home teaching this month and have been slacking on my calling and other responsibilities. I enjoy spending time with my family, but feel like I'm not a good son/brother because I just don't know how to be my true self around them... I love my best friend, and enjoy spending time with him, but I have issues with anger, depression, jealousy, etc. that can make it taxing for both him and myself.

     I just haven't felt "happy" for quite some time now. I mean, I get a little taste of it every now and then. Sometimes I feel happy momentarily when I'm with my family or friends, I usually feel happy (or at least spiritual) at Church, sometimes I feel happy at school, and sometimes I just get little sparks of happiness throughout the day. Overall  though, I feel like I'm just not happy. What's weird is that I'm not completely depressed either. Well, at least not like I used to be. I'm sort of just in this awkward middle place where things aren't happy or sad. They just are.

     What's frustrating is that I know I've been on both sides. I've been consistently happy for quite some time in my life more than once. Conversely I've also been consistently sad/depressed for some time as well. But for the past few months it has been neither. So why the in-between? I've been trying to figure it out, but I'm just not sure.

     I guess part of it, and something that I thought of this week, may be the fact that I haven't visited the temple for some time. I know in the past when I attended, the following week and month would be so much better. Things seemed happier and I usually had a better and deeper perspective. Another, and perhaps more obvious piece of the puzzle has been that I haven't been praying or reading scripture nearly as often as I should.

    I miss my dog. I know that's random, especially to suddenly interrupt the blog post with a seemingly unrelated sentence, but I really do. I don't know why, but I just thought of it. That's not why I'm unhappy, but I realize that she was a really big help for me emotionally. She loved me no matter what I did (okay, it was love/hate... but to me, that was love). I was able to hold her, pet her, sit close to her, play with her, spend time with her, etc. She was a comfort, and an ever-present friend. Sometimes I really miss holding her, hearing her growl, kissing her, petting her, watching her go crazy after getting a bath... My baby was an amazing friend who I can't wait to see again.

     I love helping people, but I hate it at the same time. Does that make sense? Probably not... K. Let me try to explain. One of the things in my life that makes me the happiest is helping people, or at least giving service (even if super small).

     One of the highlights of my week was Thursday during school. I'm in an English class right now, and the assignment for the next few weeks is writing an "I Believe..." essay. The essay is supposed to focus around one core belief we have, and talk about why we believe it, what experiences we have had that led to this belief, and where we are now and where we think we will be relating to this belief. Considering that I can usually only write well about things I feel passionately about, I chose to make my essay about my testimony, and remaining faithful in the Church while dealing with trials that some consider make me incompatible to live a gospel-centered life. Basically, my essay consists of a very condensed version of "My Story", with some sentences and topics put in there to make it match the "I Believe" format.

     Anyway, this week in class, we brought our essays to have them peer reviewed and edited. Keep in mind that my essay is basically my life's story, so it included stuff about my addictions, depression, and yes, homosexuality. The first two people who edited my essay expressed empathy and sympathy, and gave me good feedback on how to improve my essay. I can appreciate empathy but sympathy is usually awkward for me... I want people to recognize the accomplishments I've made, and encourage me to continue to live a faithful life to what I believe and know to be true, rather than express how sorry they are for what I deal with... I know people probably have good intentions when they do it, but please don't say you're sorry that I deal with same-sex attraction. It's a fact of my life. I've moved on. And it's not something that I suffer because of. What I can't stand, though, is when people are "sympathetic" that I'm LDS and deal with same-sex attraction... please never apologize to me about my religion. I love my religion, and I have no regrets about the religious path I have chosen to follow.

     I keep getting off topic... two paragraphs ago I said I would tell you about the highlight of my week... Well, the third girl who edited my essay was very kind about it. She gave me good feedback, said she really appreciated the essay, and then I gave her feedback on hers. Time was up, and we went back to our seats to hear the last of the lesson. When I went back to my seat and looked over the edits she had put on my essay, I noticed that she had basically written me a letter on the back. In the letter, she told me she has been struggling recently. She mentioned she has been fairly inactive in the Church, and is just getting back in to activity. She said she could relate to many of the things in my essay (though I don't know what things specifically). And lastly, she shared that she had been praying to know whether the Church was true, and if she was doing the right thing, and said she felt my essay was part of her answer. Reading that gave me one of those moments of happiness.

     My essay wasn't amazing or ground-shattering. It was just my story, a list of life experiences, and tying it all in to what I believe and why I believe it. I wasn't expecting it to change anyone's life, and in fact I was sort of nervous to have people read it (which is strange, considering I'm out to anyone who decided to open my blog). The fact that it helped her made me really happy. It made me feel like I can make a difference in the world...

     Well, it's late. I should go to sleep... I don't know all the answers yet. Like I said earlier, life is a journey. Hopefully I'll find the answer someday. Happiness is out there, I just need to find how to best attain it in my own life. I love my Heavenly Father. I'm so thankful for every blessing I've been given. I hope I'll be able to let God in to my life so that I can continue to move forward in life, in the gospel, and in improving myself.

     I love you all. God bless.

The Power of Song

Music has the power to do so much good, or so much bad, and I have seen that manifested many many times in my personal life.

Recently in my life I have felt very overwhelmed physically (work, school, etc.), emotionally (anxiety, depression, etc.), and spiritually (callings and responsibilities at Church, personal study and prayer, etc.). In all honesty, my testimony has been pretty weak for the past few months, not in regards to any particular subject, and I don't really have doubts, but just in the sense that I haven't been nurturing my testimony as much as I should. I haven't been saying my prayers, I haven't been reading the scriptures, etc. and so my testimony has weakened a bit, but now I'm working on getting it strong again.

I attended one semester at UVU, but it wasn't working with my work schedule, so I left after the first semester and started looking at other options. I was thinking of online, and had basically decided on an online college when my best friend's mom mentioned something called Pathway through BYU-Idaho that is mostly online, and has weekly gatherings locally. I looked it up, and felt it was definitely the right option, and signed up even though it was 2 days past the deadline, but I got in! While it's only my second week attending gatherings and institute, I honestly feel like it is the right place for me, and the spiritual environment is so important for me right now. The fact that we talk about God and the Church and its doctrines so openly, and apply it to what we're learning is fantastic, as it has helped me stay on track with my faith.

Now, on to the main subject (or what I planned to be the main subject...) of this post. Tonight, after attending gathering through Pathway, I went out to my car feeling a sense of exhilaration and euphoria that only comes from having had a spiritual experience (at least in my life). I felt so good, and I just wanted to share it with everyone. The times I most often get this feeling is after very spiritual experiences or circumstances such as after watching a Church-made video, watching a touching conference talk, watching a great Voice(s) of Hope video, having a great institute class, etc. Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is I love feeling like that, and it's a feeling that makes me want to tell everyone how good I feel, and how good God is, and that Jesus is the Christ and Savior of the world, and that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and the Book of Mormon are absolutely true.

Already having really exhilarating emotions and feelings, I turned on my music while driving home from Pathway, and as I often do, turned my music up fairly loud and sang along. Sometimes when I sing in my car, it's a soft quiet singing, or even sometimes just humming. Sometimes it's more average volume/intensity singing. But when I'm really feeling the Spirit, really on that emotional and spiritual "high", I sing with enthusiasm, confidence, praise, etc. and really pour my heart into my singing, usually singing with so much gusto that my voice cracks, or I start coughing because I don't have water in my car to moisten my throat, or I start crying because I really get into it and it's a very spiritual song. But in those moments, it doesn't matter. I'm singing along to my Christian music, and feel closer to God than I have more recently.

Tonight, I just wanted to share with you all the 4 songs that touched me most on my drive home. The 4 songs that I sang most enthusiastically, the 4 songs that really made a difference, the 4 songs that helped me strengthen my love of God and His gospel tonight.

The first song that played when I got in my car was In Christ Alone by Owl City

(video should show up below. If not, click here)

Second notable song was Stolen by Brandon Heath

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Third is Strangely Dim by Francesca Battistelli

(click here if video is missing)

And the last is Find You On My Knees by Kari Jobe

(click here if video is missing)

(I do not own the rights to any of these songs, or the videos used to show them)

So why do I share all of this? Because I love Christian music. Because I love God. Because I love how I feel tonight. Because I want others to feel this way, too. Because I know how much good music can do, and I want to teach people to use music to bring them closer to God. Because if I didn't share, I would be totally selfish and ignoring the first big prompting I've received in months.

Life has been hard recently. My testimony has been week. But tonight, I got a glimpse of what life could be like, of what I would feel like, if I let God back into my life and I start nurturing my testimony again and living my life in such a way as to invite the Holy Spirit to be with me. Christian music is an amazing thing. Jesus Christ lives and atoned and died for all of us. The Church is true. And while my testimony may not be rock-solid right now, at least I know those two things are true.

The Reason

     Sometimes in life, I find myself wishing I had something more than I currently have, without realizing what I've wanted for years and years of my life is right in front of me. God has blessed me with an amazing best friend and an amazing family. I am loved and supported beyond what I can even believe. There are so many people pulling for me, even some people I hardly know at all, or simply don't know at all. It's funny when I catch myself looking at what I have or what I don't have, and wishing certain things were different when I have more than I even deserve.
     Funny how I'm getting a calling in my YSA ward and am nervous to take it and not too excited for it, yet just the month before and up until the day I was informed I wanted a calling, I wanted something to help me feel included. Then, here I am getting asked to accept a calling, and of course saying yes, but feeling inadequate and partially wishing I hadn't been asked, but still excited and hopeful. It's definitely going to get me more involved, which could honestly be a very good thing. And you know what? Now that I write about it, and think about my emotions, I am excited for it! Stressed, yes, scared, definitely, worried, for sure, but still hopeful and excited. Life, am I right?
     I've had so many things thrown my way this past week in emails and other things, people expressing their opinion regarding the Church's standards and morals, and what they think they "should" be. It brought me to think of a talk that was given in sacrament meeting last Sunday where the speaker mentioned pride in correlation to God. When we are prideful, puffed up, stubborn, etc. we often believe that our will tops that of anyone else, including God. That our opinion is more right, more correct, better, even more righteous than another's opinion (even God sometimes).
     I know I've been prideful like that before, I even catch myself now sometimes, but one thing that stuck out to me was the fact that when we are being prideful, we're essentially telling God "Oh, I'm smarter than you God, my will is more correct than yours, I know more than you." If we look at the morals God has put in place and believe they are incorrect (which I myself am guilty of at times) we are going against God Himself, not "the Church", not the prophet, not our bishop or leaders. God's morals do not hinge on the leadership of the Church, they are solely from God, and Church leaders are merely instruments and guides in His hands.
     Watch me bring this up again..... Yep.... Here it comes. Gay marriage. I'm part of North Star which is a support group for those who are LDS and experience SSA. Recently I've seen so many people stating that they don't agree with the Church's stance on gay marriage, the family, etc. That they don't believe the Church has any right to have jurisdiction over it. But then it comes down to the core, is it really "the Church" that they're disagreeing with? Or ultimately is it God who they're disagreeing with and calling wrong, saying that they know better than Him? Hey, I'll admit it, I'm imperfect and have been prideful before and put my beliefs above God's. I'm not proud of that, but I'll admit it. It just saddens me to see people so blinded by pride as I once was and turning against God, misplacing their conflicts of belief on the Church rather than realizing it's God's law they disagree with, not exclusively "the Church".
     God is eternal, His laws are eternal, and do not hinge on social norms, moral changes in society, or anything regarding human beliefs or traditions. Maybe someday everyone will understand that, and maybe someday I'll fully understand it too, I'm definitely imperfect.
     Topic change *whoosh* ;) So my 12-step addiction recovery group I go to every Sunday and have been attending for over a year and a half just keeps getting better and better. My 12-step group is mainly for porn and masturbation addictions, but we have group members there who deal with other addictions as well, and I share about my SSA and self-harming in that group as well. I'm the only one (as far as I know) in that group who experiences SSA (with the exception of one who no longer attends) and yet I have found so much acceptance, love, and patience from my fellow group members. It's amazing how God works miracles through people regardless of differences in trials and experiences.



     So this post was probably a bunch of super random paragraphs that were all over the place, but life is definitely good. God loves me, and I'm doing better at loving Him as I should, and accepting His love for me. I'm learning to better control my emotions, and be closer to God. Life is great, isn't it?
    
    

Voices of Hope, My Video! ;D

Soooo...... My video came out! Finally! Ahhhhh! I was so excited! I didn't post it one here until now because, well, the day it came out was an extremely eventful day in many different ways (which I will talk about later). Anyway, just thought I'd share it here! The video I posted above is the full-length interview. There is a highlight (a shorter more condensed version) available, but I watched both and liked the full interview a lot more. Hope you enjoy it! I know I did! And this is probably stuck-up for me to say, but this video made me realize how good-looking I actually am. (You learn something new every day)....
;D ;D ;D
Also, if you're on a mobile device, or the video just doesn't show up, you can access it here at this link; http://ldsvoicesofhope.org/voice.php?v=46#.UvVpOruPKW8 which will take to you the VoH website, and specifically to my video.

Life is amazing!!!!!! Love you all!

Inundation

     Well, it has been some time since I've been on here. I feel the need to get on and write this post, not because I want to, but because I feel I need to. Life recently hasn't been easy, but really, life is rarely easy.
     Many feelings I am all too familiar with are coming back into my life causing me to question. Not question my beliefs, not question the existence of God, or even my testimony, but causing me to question myself. Question my worth, my ability, my shortcomings, my failures in contrast to successes, etc.
     There's a lot of pressure on me right now. I'm starting a new job next week (which I'm excited but nervous for), my Voice(s) of Hope video and essay are due to be published soon, I'm almost always packed each day with stuff I need to do (chores, family time, etc.), I've been spending a lot of time with friends, I recently joined a YSA ward and am now a home teacher so I have responsibility to work with my companion and go out and teach our members each month, etc. Many of these things are good things, things that bring me joy, happiness, and blessings. Things that bring me closer to God. Yet I'm still stressed.
     Sometimes I just don't know if I'm doing all I can. This week has seemed to highlight my shortcomings. I've been reminded of how terrible I am at standing up for myself, and even standing up for others. It seems every time I've tried I either haven't been able to, or I do, but end up being too harsh or unnecessarily defensive and end up hurting others as well as myself. Standing up for myself has been a life-long struggle. I was bullied basically my entire school career. People always told me I just needed to stand up for myself, and that I was bullied because I reacted too much. Well, whenever I tried standing up for myself I'd cross the line and get in trouble with someone. I never hit anyone, never used physical force, but my words and actions were often what caused so much pain and heart ache for those around me and to myself.
     It's something I've beat myself up for time and time again, the innate ability I seem to have to hurt those around me that I never meant to hurt, and hurt them far beyond what I ever intended. I remember back to my childhood dealing with this as well. I would always find a way to do something wrong, to hurt someone in some way even if it was a complete accident. I broke expensive decorations while playing with my friends, broke a baby doll my neighbors had which was given to them by their grandmother before she passed, I gave bruises to people I was just trying to tickle or tease, I made people cry, I influenced others to make poor decisions and then hid in the background as they took all the blame. Most all of what happened causing damage and pain was accidental, yet still I look at myself trying to figure out why it seems to happen all the time.
     I lose contact with people too easily sometimes. It's not that I stop caring about that, or even that I forget about them, we just seem to drift apart. I don't text someone for a week and it's like they've fallen out of my life completely unless I see them in my weekly life at Church or work. I feel like I'm either too overbearing, or not there for them at all. I go through phases with people. It seems to go from acquaintances to friends and sometimes to best friends, then back to friends and eventually to acquaintances, and sometimes to almost strangers again.
     Well, there are the struggles I've been facing recently. I didn't mean to make this post into a venting session, or a pity-party. All things considered, life is great, it really is. I just have things which have come up that I now need to work through and process. What can I say? I'm human and imperfect, but I'm trying.

     Now I'll try to focus on more of the positives.
     I went to my 12-step meeting (aka ARP) tonight. We were working on step 3. There was one sentence in there that stuck out to me; "You may not be able to change some things in your life, but you can change your willingness to trust in God and obey Him." That really hit me, considering all that is going on right now. There are things going on in my life, even things about myself, that I can't change, but I still need to trust on God and obey His commandments.
     I published the Voices of Hope promo video which featured me, and the feedback I got was incredible. People I haven't talked to in years send me comments and messages thanking me for touching their lives and being willing to be open and vulnerable to share my experiences, faith, and hope with the world. It wasn't even my personal video, just a video I was featured in, and yet I touched lives. It was so great and comforting to see that God was able to use me to help others. I'm a little nervous now for when my actual video is released ;)
     And now my writing ability is starting to fade. Maybe I'm just tired or lazy, I don't know. Anyway, just want to end on a positive note. Life really is amazing, even for me right now, though it seems hard. God loves EVERYONE. Every single human being on this earth is loved by Him beyond worldly comprehension. I know God has blessed me, and is still a part of my life, even if I struggle, even if I fall.
     I have a testimony that I cannot deny of Jesus Christ, and that He atoned for everyone's sins, even mine. I know that God is real, and loves everyone. I know that there is life after death, and that true happiness is found only through following God and relying on Christ. I know that Christ is the Savior of the world, and that I am loved infinitely, as everyone is.
     Love you all! May we find Light in the darkness

Voice(s) of Hope Promo Video

     Well, first off I haven't posted on here for quite a while. Life has presented all sorts of things to keep me busy and on my toes. New job, new responsibilities, family and friend activities, etc. It has been enjoyable, definitely, but exhausting nonetheless.
     The Voices of Hope project recently released a promo video, which I was featured in. To be honest, I didn't know I was going to be featured in it, but I feel so blessed that I had the opportunity to be. I definitely owe the credit to my friends and family who have guided me along this journey of life, and most especially to God who has been there to help me through every situation.
     Well, here it is;

(P.S. If you're on mobile, for whatever reason, the video doesn't always show up. You can click here to visit the video directly; https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=omhIK1ImVQc&feature=player_embedded&noredirect=1 )

Love you all!

Update: This Crazy Week I've Lived

     This week has been, well, interesting. A roller-coaster of emotions, new experiences, new challenges, re-evaluation, falling away, coming back, finding God again, self-searching, comfort, heart ache, love, pain, falling of tears, finding happiness, searching for answers, accomplishment, pride, humility, broken hearts, etc etc. In short, this week was one of the most filled weeks of my life because I went from happiness to sadness then back to happiness again.
     My video shoot for the Voices of Hope project was this Sunday. The entire process was a roller coaster in and of itself. I felt confident for my shoot going into it. I received an absolutely amazing and comforting blessing just before filming promising me so many wonderful things, and I felt sure it would go well. Halfway through my shoot I had a break to go outside and get some fresh air (I was super sweaty and stressed). One of my good friends had come with me to my shoot and came outside with me. I just stood there lost in my own thoughts.
     I wanted to quit shooting my video, I didn't feel like I was saying what I needed to, I didn't feel like I was being myself. The blessing promised me that I would be able to feel God's love for me, that I would be able to say what I needed to, and feel comfort and fulfillment when I was done with my shoot, but I just wasn't feeling it. After a long break of explaining my feelings to my friend, receiving his support, and finally making my decision to quit my video shoot, the crew came out to see if I was ready to start filming again, and I told them I wasn't feeling it today, that I didn't want to continue.
     One of the directors, who I consider my friend, took me aside and had me talk to him about it. He was actually the one who had given me the blessing. I expressed my concerns to him, told him I wanted to be done, and he told me exactly what I needed to hear. I felt the spirit so strong as he talked to me. He told me I was feeling this was because I had my whole shoot planned out, I had it rehearsed and knew exactly what I wanted to say and how I wanted to say it. I was relying on my preconceived idea of how it should go and not letting the spirit talk through me. He assured me that I could finish it, and that I wasn't feeling those promises from the blessing because I wasn't done fulfilling this task for God.
     After my talk with him, I felt a conviction to get out there and finish my shoot, even if it was hard for me, even if I didn't like how it went, I had to completely jump into God's arms and trust Him to lead me and trust Him to help it turn out alright. I was terrified when I sat back in front of the camera, but I finished my shoot letting the words flow from my mouth and feeling confident that God would help me through it. When my shoot was finally over, I felt comfort, I knew my part was over, that God would take care of the rest. It was a huge learning experience for me, and I will be forever grateful to God, to my friend who gave me the blessing and talked me through wanting to give up, and my friend who came with me to support me and helped me process my emotions.
     So yes, after much struggle and doubt, my video shoot actually turned out.
     I fell in love this week, well actually, have been for the past 3 weeks. This was such a big part of my roller coaster, but due to time and trying to gather my thoughts, I'll expound more on this in my next post. However, for now I'll leave it at this. Yes, I fell in love with a friend of mine who is male. No, I am not leaving the Church. No, he and I are not going to pursue any romantic relationship. And finally, nothing regarding my faith or relationship with the Church is going to change and he and I are going to work through this and put up boundaries with each other so that we can keep safe and not cross any lines.
     There is a lot more I want to blog about, but unfortunately I have to head into work now, so that'll have to wait until tomorrow.

The Awful Beast Named Addiction

     Addiction is one of Satan's greatest tools. So often actions, choices, and substances seem harmless to indulge in just once, or at least that is how Satan wishes us to perceive it. Addiction can begin on the first action, the first choice, the first use.
     Addiction is versatile too. People can become addicted to sex, pornography, drugs, self-harming, masturbation, stealing, adrenaline, swearing, food, the list goes on and on. Addiction is one of the greatest vices used by Satan.
     Addiction overrides the very nature of the brain. What to some may seem unnecessary, foolish, undesirable, even revolting or wrong can become to an addict the very air they breathe. Now that may be a little extreme, but to a degree, it is true. Our brain has natural signals it sends out to the body to keep us alive. The brain lets us know when we need food. The brain alerts us if we need more fluids. The brain controls our survival instincts, and this is what addictions hack. To an addict, porn can become just as important as food. Drugs can be at the same level of necessity as water. Any addiction can override the brains normal functions and send one into a seemingly endless cycle of indulging in the addictive behavior, which, to the now changed brain, seems necessary for survival and well being.
     I have had my fair share of addictions in my life. Porn, masturbation, self-hatred, etc. For so long I felt that my addictions were part of who I was, part of normal life even, and yet still I kept them secret and hidden because of the guilt and shame I felt. At some point in my life, I began hating my addictions. I knew what I was doing was wrong, I wanted to stop, but it seemed no matter what I did I just couldn't stop.
     Over and over I'd stay clean for a while, relying solely on will-power, but over and over I'd fall and relapse. I got so angry with myself each time. Things weren't improving, regardless of how much I wanted to stop indulging. I didn't understand, isn't a desire to stop enough? Is there really any hope for me? Why can't I just stop?
     I didn't even understand at the time that I was an addict. Sure, I had been to counseling, and had learned to refer to my indulgences as an addiction, but I did not understand what addiction was or what it was doing to me. I didn't even consider myself a true addict, and I believed that when I grew up it would stop. Oh, when I get married it'll stop. When I have friends it will stop. I just did not understand.
     It wasn't until I was sent to inpatient treatment, and hit rock-bottom, that my heart was softened, I was humbled, and I was willing to turn to God for help. All my life I believed that I had to do everything thing on my own. I was quite independent and did not in any way want to rely on anyone else to help me. I've since realized that I could not overcome my addictions on my own. I needed to rely on God.
     One thing I've learned in my life that has helped me so much is that no matter what your struggle is, you are not the only one. Even if you cannot find someone in your life who knows what you are going through, God and Christ know. They know all of us perfectly, no matter what we deal with, be it an addiction, physical ailment, sickness, death, whatever it may be.
     I have to credit my recovery and ability to now be triumphing over my addictions to the 12-step program, my family and friends who have loved and supported me, my ward family, and most especially my Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ, and everyone on the other side who has been there to hold me and guide me when I felt lost and alone.
     If you struggle with addiction, or really any negative or destructive behavior, I would encourage you to turn to God, your bishop, supportive family and friends, and any others you feel may help you. I would really recommend becoming familiar with the 12 steps, because they have helped me so much in my life and in recovery, and I've seen them change and save lives.
     May we all continually strive to be better through the power of God and the atoning sacrifice of our Savior. Know I love you all, and there will always be a way to overcome any trial(s) in your life. May we turn to God and learn to love as He does.
     You can access and read the LDS 12-step Addiction Recovery Guide by visiting this website: http://addictionrecovery.lds.org/addiction-recovery-program-guide?lang=eng
    

SSA (Page originally from my 1st blog)

    

What is SSA?

This is a topic I have been being prompted to open up and talk about. I'm surprised that it's the first topic I'm really going to dig into, but for some reason I really feel like I need to. So what is SSA? SSA stands for Same-Sex Atttraction, also known as homosexuality, same-gender attraction, and gay/lesbian. For now though, I will refer to it as SSA.
"Wait, Mitchell.... you're talking about what?!"
I am well aware that this is a very sensitve and controversial topic, and I will try to approach it as such. First off, I have heard many many times from members and non-members that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints hates, shuns, fears, or condemns people with SSA. This is simply false. The church does not shun, hate, or condemn those people.
As stated in a booklet titled "God Loveth His Children" (wrote for Latter-day Saints who are troubled with same-gender attraction and sometimes feel discouraged but sincerely desire to live a life pleasing to our Father in Heaven.) 'You are a son or daughter of God, and our hearts reach out to you in warmth and affection. Notwithstanding your present same-gender attractions, you can be happy during this life, lead a morally clean life, perform meaningful service in the Church, enjoy full fellowship with your fellow Saints, and ultimately receive all the blessings of eternal life.' (http://www.lds.org/manual/god-loveth-his-children/god-loveth-his-children?lang=eng)
In other words, the church does not condemn or exclude gays/lesbians from our beliefs or potentials. God loves all of his children, and all really does mean all!
The word "Notwithstanding" stuck out to me when I first read it, and even still does as I reread it. What does 'notwithstanding' mean? Notwithstanding means; in spite of the fact that: which, in that context, translates roughly to mean that 'regardless' of same-gender attraction, you can have all the blessings other church members enjoy.
I also found this to be very helpful:

Individual rights

The Church’s affirmation of marriage as being between a man and a woman “neither constitutes nor condones any kind of hostility toward gays and lesbians.”⁶ On the contrary, many Church leaders have spoken clearly about the love and respect with which all people are to be treated. Former Church president Gordon B. Hinckley (1910-2008) told members who are attracted to the same sex: “Our hearts reach out to [you]. We remember you before the Lord, we sympathize with you, we regard you as our brothers and sisters.” President Boyd K. Packer affirmed, “We do not reject you. … We cannot reject you. … We will not reject you, because we love you.”Source: (http://www.lds.org/topics/same-gender-attraction?lang=eng)

Why am I talking about this?

Before I get into this next part, I feel I should explain a little bit about who I am and why I am talking about this. As expressed before, I am a Latter Day Saint, a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I have same-sex attraction, and have had times in my life when I have doubted my own importance. I've had times in my life when I believed that the attractions that I had were a sin in and of themselves and that I was a bad person for having those attractions.

I have been persecuted for my attractions by members of the church and by nonmembers. There have been times in my life when I wished I could be 'normal' and I didn't understand why God had made me different if it was wrong.

I wanted to write about this because I want every person to have an understanding about what it means and how people with it should be treated. I want those people who struggle with wanting to live an LDS lifestyle and dealing with SSA to know that there is hope, and that they do not have to sacrafice their religion because of their attractions.

What is the Church's stance on Same-sex Relationships?

While the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints does not shame, turn away, or condemn people with SSA, the church does not believe that Same-sex marriage or sexual relationships are part of God's plan. "Members of the Church who have same-sex attractions, but don’t act on them, can continue to enjoy full fellowship in the church, which includes holding the priesthood, carrying out callings, and attending the temple... Same-sex attraction itself is not a sin, but yielding to it is. However, through repentance Jesus Christ will offer forgiveness." http://www.mormonsandgays.org/

I understand how sensitive this topic is, I've dealt with it myself! Having feelings of attraction and yearning to be with the same-sex can be such a strong, overpowering, and driving influence, but, like anything, it can be endured by leaning on Christ and His infinite atonement and love. Through my own personal experiences and faith I have come to a realization that living a gay life is not for me. My faith, religion, and God have become more important to me than living with someone who I am completely attracted to.

In short, the Church does not exclude or condemn people with SSA, however acting on those attractions is not seen as part of God's plan.

Some great resources for more info!

God Loveth His Children (http://www.lds.org/manual/god-loveth-his-children/god-loveth-his-children?lang=eng)

Same-Sex Attraction (http://www.lds.org/topics/same-gender-attraction?lang=eng)

LDS Teachings Regarding Homosexuality (http://northstarlds.org/about-us/lds-beliefs/)

I hope to expand this page more soon! But for now, I recomend you check out some of the resources I've listed above! I know God loves everyone!