I Love You...

     So much for me saying I wanted to blog about this the day after my last post "Update: This Crazy Week I've Lived". Well, the past few days have presented their own form of crazy. Lots going on, not enough time to get on the computer to type. So this is why I'm finally taking care of this post today. But lucky me, I got to go through some more experiences that better prepared me to do this post.
     As stated in my last post, I've fallen for one of my best friends, and he has expressed that he shares those feelings towards me. It has been hard not to pursue a relationship with him because part of me wants that, to feel close and intimate with him beyond what a friendship can bring. There has also been a large part of me, however, that realizes that is not what I want spiritually, and it's definitely not what I want for him.
     I was thinking the other day about what would happen if I were to pursue a relationship with him. He and I had both expressed a desire to be with each other beyond friendship, but if we were to take that path, what would it bring? Where would we both be later on if we made this decision? Would I actually be happy?
     One of the biggest factors for me regarding my decision was my feelings for him. No, I don't just mean attraction or infatuation, I mean the actual love for him that I have, the part of me that sees him as a son of God, that sees the infinite potential he has, and that desires him to be happy and successful in every way. That part of me, that desire I have to see him reach the highest level of glory and happiness is what has driven my decisions. As good as it may feel to cross the line with him, either by pursuing relationship or by acting out, ultimately my desire to see both he and I reach the Celestial Kingdom is more important to me than mortal gratification.
     I truly believe and support the teachings of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and I agree with their teachings on marriage and morality. It is because of this belief, because of the testimony and personal revelation I have received that I know the choices I'm making regarding my relationship with him is right. I have never felt the way I feel about him before, but it is because of that love that I am able to see his potential, and I am able to care about him spiritually rather than simply physically.



     I'm not trying to say it has been easy, in fact it has been very hard. It's hard to resist temptations and desires which are so strong and real. We've gotten close to crossing the line, but were able to avoid making mistakes together. It's because of these situations that we've been able to look at our friendship and reevaluate. We've both been working on boundaries in our friendship to keep one another safe. We've reached compromises and been able to take our relationship, as full of temptation and passion as it can be, and make it more healthy and spiritually fulfilling.
    It has been a process, and it's been hard. We are still working on it each day, and as painful as it can be sometimes, I've felt closer to God because of it. I've been able to open my eyes, my spiritual eyes, and see my friend as the son of God that he really is, and be able to care for him far beyond just physical and mortal matters.
    One question, concern, (whatever you'd like to call it), that has been brought up to me, and I'm sure will continue to be brought up, is why I don't just pursue a relationship with him. Why not give in? If you both love each other, is it really wrong? Who's to say the Church is correct in it's teachings? Why would God give you feelings for each other if it's wrong? And all sorts of things like that.
     My answer to all of those is that I know what is right and wrong, I have a testimony that I cannot deny, I believe in what the Church teaches, and I love my friend far more than just as an object or life-long partner. I couldn't enter a relationship with him knowing the consequences that will follow in the coming life for both of us. I just couldn't bring myself to harm him or myself like that.
     But Mitchell, if a relationship with him would bring you happiness (which to a degree, it would), why not just go for it? My answer to this question is that I have felt more love, more happiness, more fulfillment and belonging, more understanding and hope when I'm feeling the spirit, when I'm close to God, when I'm doing what I know God wants me to, when I receive a blessing, when I go to the temple, etc. than I have ever felt "fulfilling" my attractions towards the same-sex by acting out or even just considering a relationship. Even though I admittedly struggle with my spirituality at times, as I'm sure everyone does, I also know what it feels like when I am close to God, when I have those spiritual experiences. And I would not trade those for anything. I've received more fulfillment and happiness from God and living His commandments than anything this world could give me.



 

     I love you all! Storms may arise, in fact storms will arise, challenges will present themselves, doubt and fear may sink in, conflicting emotions and ideas may arise, but so long as I stick to what I know and believe, I will be ok, I will feel love and comfort in the Savior's arms.

Why Remain LDS?

     First off, I apologize for the long wait in between posts. These past few weeks have been quite busy. I was working on my Voices of Hope essay, and finally finished it, spent time with very good friends, and was just working, going to institute, and keeping myself busy. It was a good kind of busy, but busy nonetheless. Anyways, here's my new post, love you all!

     There seems to be a theme in the conversations I've had with people these past two weeks. I've had multiple people ask me "Why are you a member of a faith that doesn't let you "be yourself"? Why don't you go out and be "true" to yourself and your feelings? Why not go out and live a life that makes you happy?" etc. etc. It has been almost funny to me that all these questions are coming up, that so many people automatically assume I'm either miserable or not living a happy life just because I'm LDS and deal with SSA. The thing is I am happy!
     I find it interesting that so many people assume that because I am attracted to men, but that I'm not dating men or planning on having any sort of romantic relationship with a man, that it somehow automatically means I'm denying my true self. An alcoholic craves alcohol, but just because he chooses not to drink because he knows that alcohol can destroy his life, does that mean that he isn't happy? Does that mean he isn't being true to himself? I'm not comparing alcoholism to SSA, however, the analogy is much the same.
     I recognize that some people may claim to find "happiness" in living a gay lifestyle, in being with a partner of the same-gender, but through what I've learned and experienced, that's not what brings me happiness, nor will it bring me happiness in the future. I, for some time, basically lived a gay lifestyle, in many ways. I became inactive in the Church, I acted out with another guy, I was defining myself by my attractions, I thought it would bring me happiness, I thought I was being true to myself. I soon realized, however, that that was not the case. I wasn't happy, if anything, I was miserable. I felt so disconnected and isolated, I didn't feel God's presence in my life.
     I realized that being true to myself doesn't mean acting on every carnal desire I have, it means reaching my full potential. Who am I? I am a son of our Heavenly Father. That is what defines me, that is being true to myself. I am a child of God, and because I love God and I love the blessings He has given me, I strive to live my life according to the standards He has put in place because I know that in so doing, I will be happy, I am happy, and it's a happiness nothing of this world could give me, including a man I could fall in love with.



     Why remain LDS? Because I love it. It is what brings me happiness, it's what I know to be true, it's what is important to me. My relationship with God is worth more than any romantic relationship I could pursue with another man, and I wouldn't trade my testimony for anything.

SSA (Page originally from my 1st blog)

    

What is SSA?

This is a topic I have been being prompted to open up and talk about. I'm surprised that it's the first topic I'm really going to dig into, but for some reason I really feel like I need to. So what is SSA? SSA stands for Same-Sex Atttraction, also known as homosexuality, same-gender attraction, and gay/lesbian. For now though, I will refer to it as SSA.
"Wait, Mitchell.... you're talking about what?!"
I am well aware that this is a very sensitve and controversial topic, and I will try to approach it as such. First off, I have heard many many times from members and non-members that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints hates, shuns, fears, or condemns people with SSA. This is simply false. The church does not shun, hate, or condemn those people.
As stated in a booklet titled "God Loveth His Children" (wrote for Latter-day Saints who are troubled with same-gender attraction and sometimes feel discouraged but sincerely desire to live a life pleasing to our Father in Heaven.) 'You are a son or daughter of God, and our hearts reach out to you in warmth and affection. Notwithstanding your present same-gender attractions, you can be happy during this life, lead a morally clean life, perform meaningful service in the Church, enjoy full fellowship with your fellow Saints, and ultimately receive all the blessings of eternal life.' (http://www.lds.org/manual/god-loveth-his-children/god-loveth-his-children?lang=eng)
In other words, the church does not condemn or exclude gays/lesbians from our beliefs or potentials. God loves all of his children, and all really does mean all!
The word "Notwithstanding" stuck out to me when I first read it, and even still does as I reread it. What does 'notwithstanding' mean? Notwithstanding means; in spite of the fact that: which, in that context, translates roughly to mean that 'regardless' of same-gender attraction, you can have all the blessings other church members enjoy.
I also found this to be very helpful:

Individual rights

The Church’s affirmation of marriage as being between a man and a woman “neither constitutes nor condones any kind of hostility toward gays and lesbians.”⁶ On the contrary, many Church leaders have spoken clearly about the love and respect with which all people are to be treated. Former Church president Gordon B. Hinckley (1910-2008) told members who are attracted to the same sex: “Our hearts reach out to [you]. We remember you before the Lord, we sympathize with you, we regard you as our brothers and sisters.” President Boyd K. Packer affirmed, “We do not reject you. … We cannot reject you. … We will not reject you, because we love you.”Source: (http://www.lds.org/topics/same-gender-attraction?lang=eng)

Why am I talking about this?

Before I get into this next part, I feel I should explain a little bit about who I am and why I am talking about this. As expressed before, I am a Latter Day Saint, a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I have same-sex attraction, and have had times in my life when I have doubted my own importance. I've had times in my life when I believed that the attractions that I had were a sin in and of themselves and that I was a bad person for having those attractions.

I have been persecuted for my attractions by members of the church and by nonmembers. There have been times in my life when I wished I could be 'normal' and I didn't understand why God had made me different if it was wrong.

I wanted to write about this because I want every person to have an understanding about what it means and how people with it should be treated. I want those people who struggle with wanting to live an LDS lifestyle and dealing with SSA to know that there is hope, and that they do not have to sacrafice their religion because of their attractions.

What is the Church's stance on Same-sex Relationships?

While the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints does not shame, turn away, or condemn people with SSA, the church does not believe that Same-sex marriage or sexual relationships are part of God's plan. "Members of the Church who have same-sex attractions, but don’t act on them, can continue to enjoy full fellowship in the church, which includes holding the priesthood, carrying out callings, and attending the temple... Same-sex attraction itself is not a sin, but yielding to it is. However, through repentance Jesus Christ will offer forgiveness." http://www.mormonsandgays.org/

I understand how sensitive this topic is, I've dealt with it myself! Having feelings of attraction and yearning to be with the same-sex can be such a strong, overpowering, and driving influence, but, like anything, it can be endured by leaning on Christ and His infinite atonement and love. Through my own personal experiences and faith I have come to a realization that living a gay life is not for me. My faith, religion, and God have become more important to me than living with someone who I am completely attracted to.

In short, the Church does not exclude or condemn people with SSA, however acting on those attractions is not seen as part of God's plan.

Some great resources for more info!

God Loveth His Children (http://www.lds.org/manual/god-loveth-his-children/god-loveth-his-children?lang=eng)

Same-Sex Attraction (http://www.lds.org/topics/same-gender-attraction?lang=eng)

LDS Teachings Regarding Homosexuality (http://northstarlds.org/about-us/lds-beliefs/)

I hope to expand this page more soon! But for now, I recomend you check out some of the resources I've listed above! I know God loves everyone!

Be "Yourself"? Or Be Yourself?

     One thing I have been thinking about recently is what it means to be yourself. We have all heard someone say it before, you know, the classic "Just be yourself!". Well, what does it mean? Is that really what we should live by?
     See, the thing I have been brainstorming about is whether or not I 'should' be "myself". Part of me would be content and happy to fall in love, and maybe even marry someone of the same-sex, but a now more dominant side of me sees it as something that would not bring me happiness.
     Just today I had one of my friends who I trusted to tell about my SSA encourage me to just "be myself" and questioned why I stayed in the church when the church was trying to "change" who I 'was'. Well, truth be told, today was my graduation from High School, and in almost every graduation speech the statement "just be yourself" was used in one way or another. In the world we live in today people seem more than happy to embrace and flaunt their shortcomings.
     Acceptance is a wonderful thing, and is part of the gospel, but the world has taken acceptance and corrupted it. Acceptance in the world today often refers to accepting someone for their problems. We accept gays, lesbians, people with tattoos, piercings, over the top hair and clothing styles, drug addictions, pornography and sex addictions, constant profanity usage, sex before marriage, etc. etc. etc. The list goes on and on, but the question is, are we 'accepting' them? Or just Justifying their actions?
     We should love everyone, and accept them the way the Lord wishes us to. If I were to listen to every person who 'accepts' me, I would be dating guys right now and would no longer be a member of the LDS church. What has made the difference in my life is that I have an understanding of what I can become. Not what I AM, not what I HAVE, but what I, Me, Myself, can become through God.
     This life is not about coming to 'accept' yourself, or even just being 'yourself'. Granted everyone has their own personality, their own God-given gifts that define individuality and bring out the best in each of us, and individuality is a good thing, however this life, God's plan, is about becoming the best that we can be and to not settle for just ourselves here and now, but to settle for nothing less than the best us we can be.

     If you struggle with anything, whether it be SSA, addictions, destructive behaviours, whatever it may be, understand that they DO NOT need to define you. We all have individual trials in our lives, but they do not have to 'be' us. We choose who we are, we grow to become the best us, and no human has the right to take that away. Through God, you can become the you that you were meant to be, the real you, the best you, and this I testify to be true.

The Rising of the AntiChrist

     I have recently been watching videos and reading blogs and stories about members of the church who are going through what I have, in trying to find find answers about their SSA and the LDS Church. One thing I have noticed which has saddened me greatly is how cunning and deceitful Satan and the world is.
     Many of the blogs I've read & the videos I have watched talk about how that person left the church because they no longer believed, or because someone persuaded them to believe that they don't need organized religion (church) or the full gospel. They believed they could pick and choose which gospel principles they could follow and which to ignore, and believed they would be fine.
     I've also seen many times where a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints who has an addiction, SSA, or some other habit/behavior which is contrary to what the church teaches is right, will reach a point where they justify acting on those feelings, urges, &/or addictions, and yet still call themselves faithful members of the church.
     In no way am I suggesting that those people should leave the church, or that they are 'bad'. What I am stating is that the gospel is not like a salad bar. You cannot pick and choose what you want to follow and call yourself a faithful member. In other words, you cannot do it halfway, you're either in or out, for or against, active or non-active, a Latter-Day Saint or not. The gospel is the strait and narrow path to Eternal Life, you're either on it or you're not. Granted everyone's path in life is different in some way, everyone must still follow the same gospel principles. No one is an exception.
     In short, if you're doing things willingly and without regret and repentance which go against what the church teaches, but you have decided it's perfectly acceptable, you are not truly converted. You cannot date, marry, or have sexual relationships with a member of the same-sex and still consider yourself a faithful Latter-Day Saint.
     As stated in 3 Nephi 13:24 and Matthew 6:24 "No man can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or else he will hold to the one and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and Mammon." (emphasis added)
     I couldn't have said it better myself
     So what is my position on this? Obviously I have SSA, and have struggled with it for quite some time. I had a time in my life where I was acting on those attractions, and I thought I could still be a faithful member of the church and live a gay life, but looking back on it now, I realize what a great lie that was.
     The only way you can find out for yourself what is right and what is wrong is to read the scriptures, pray, listen to and read the words of the prohpets and apostles, attend church, gain a testimony, and eventually become truly converted.
     I am definitely not a perfect person. I've made many mistakes in my life, and continue to mess up everyday. But there is not a doubt in my mind that acting out on homosexuality is wrong. There is no doubt in my mind that if anyone with SSA does not act on those attractions, and who repents when needed, lives their life in a way which is pleasing to God, and become truly converted, that they can receive all the glory and blessings that any heterosexual child of God could.
     D&C 14:7 "And, if you keep my commandments, and endure to the end you shall have eternal life, which gift is the greatest of all the gifts of God." (emphasis added)
     I love you all, and I wish you strength and truth in your journey for Eternal Life. I apologize it takes me a while to get on and write a post, life is busy busy! Stay strong and fight the good fight!