The Broken Wire

     This April, I had a lot going on...

     Early in the month I found out that I have borderline personality disorder. This came as somewhat of a shock, honestly. I mean in reality, when I first found out, I didn't even know what borderline was. I've struggled emotionally, socially, and mentally in certain ways most of my life, but I've only ever been officially diagnosed with depression and anxiety, and so all of the other issues I had I just assumed were a result of me being a "bad" person. Finding out I have borderline was a mixed bag of emotions...

      It was great to finally have answers. I could finally pinpoint behavioral and emotional issues and where they come from, and I could even make sense of issues in my past. I have answers now that I never had before. But on the same coin, I now have lots of new questions... Where do I go now? Now that I know the source, what can I do to fix it, to cope, or at least regulate my borderline episodes?

     Needless to say, this discovery of borderline has been a big source of stress...

     About a week after finding out that I have borderline, through talking to my friends and family about things I thought were just normal, I was recommended to go to a cardiologist. See, I was born with a pectus excavatum which is a condition where the ribs and sternum sink in, making a crater-like dent in the middle of the chest. Since I've only ever lived in my body, I thought it was totally normal to occasionally get piercing chest pains, shortness of breath, dizziness, and vomiting while working out or even in other less intense situations. I thought that at least it was because I wasn't in the best of shape (and that may be part of it). But I found out more recently that maybe that's not so normal... at least, not for other people. So, with concern from family and friends, and doing my own research, I decided it best to meet with a cardiologist.

     Upon going in, the cardiologist (well technically he's a cardiothoracic surgeon) said my pectus definitely looked deep enough to cause functional limitations, and ordered some tests to be done to measure how much of an effect it is having to confirm whether or not I should get/need to get surgery. The first test was an EKG, and the results of said test were that I have a "normal irregular" heartbeat (literally, that's what they told me), and also, my heart is not in the normal location within the chest. Instead, my heart is to the left, and close to the surface. The other two tests I did, which included a breath test and ultrasound on my heart both came back pretty normal, at least according to the technicians, and I still have a few more tests to do. So, I don't have an answer yet, but that's been happening.

     So yes, this was most definitely stressful. Especially considering that in the beginning, my main concern was that my aorta could potentially be dilated, and therefore at risk for bursting, but the tests so far have at least somewhat eased that fear. But, if you add on top of this the fact that about a week earlier I learned that I have borderline, then, yeah.... April was.... stressful....

     So almost all of April I was stressing about my borderline and my pectus excavatum and the potential health problems it may be causing, plus on top of that the normal stress of work, school, callings, etc.

     To top it all off, just a few days ago, my car broke down. Now, car breakdowns are traumatic and stressful experiences for me (as I'm sure they are for many people), especially because I work 40 minutes from home. So late on Thursday night I call my insurance company to tow my car to the repair shop, and call my dad to pick me up. On top of everything I've been stressing about, I now have car issues to worry about that could be expensive, and if it took a long time to fix, would also make it difficult to get to work.

     Well, Friday afternoon I get a call from the repair shop. They told me they found the problem, and it was just a little wire that connected to the ignition, and that was why the car died. The repair shop very generously fixed the small wire without cost, and once my father got home from work, he took me to pick up my car.

     Driving home, I had an interesting thought. What if all of the things I'm dealing with in this life are just little broken wires? What if my experiences seem so traumatic at the time, but once the problem is fixed, I can look back with a smile, a laugh, and a sigh of relief and realize it was something so small compared to the grand scheme of things? What's funny is I realized this is my "normal". Borderline personality disorder may seem alien to other people, in fact, most people don't even know what it is. I didn't know what it was until a month ago, yet I've been living it for years. But you know what? It's my "normal". My pectus excavatum and the issues that come with it are my "normal". I am my "normal". Now, that's not to say I don't need to change or fix things in my life, but that is to say that I can laugh, smile, and see the humor in being me as I seek to become a better person.

     Knowing my issues, my struggles, my quirks, helps me to figure out who I am, and who I can become. It's not an accident that I'm same-sex attracted, or that I'm an addict, or borderline, or deal with health issues relating to a pectus. No, it's no coincidence or accident. God knew that I needed all of these things to grow. And rather than wallow in fear and pain, I can look up to Heaven and smile while my heart beats to its "normal irregular" heartbeat. Life is so amazing. Of course, being borderline, I mean that now, but in a few minutes I might hate life. But that doesn't make my first statement untrue, because eventually I'll laugh again and realize life it amazing.

     This experience also taught me that Christ is the ultimate healer and mechanic. He has already paid the ultimate price, and all He asks is that I come with a broken heart and contrite spirit, and willingly accept His assistance. He can fix my broken wires, and He can make me whole. Of course, because Christ knows what is best for me, He may not fix everything right away. In fact, some things I may have to wait a lifetime to repair, but in the end I know that Christ will fix me and make me whole. And one day, I will look back on my broken wires, and I will smile and laugh and cry with gratitude for the experiences I had that shaped me and helped me grow, and I will have my loving Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ to thank for all of it. For without them, there would be no broken, and there would be no fixed, and there would be no me. And, despite all of the broken parts, it really is amazing to be me.

     My testimony tonight is one of God's love for me. I know He loves me. I know He has given me these circumstances that I may grow and progress. I know that the gospel of Jesus Christ is the one true gospel, and that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is where I belong, and what I need to progress to be with my Father in Heaven again. Struggles come, but it's okay. It's just me, and I want to live my "normal irregular" life to the fullest, and become the best 'me' that I can be.

Everything

     This is my post about everything.... or nothing.... or something.... or a thing.... or... yeah...

     Awkward intro sentence? Okay. Here we go.

     What's going on in my life? Well, life of course.... I don't know, is it just every day stuff? Or is there more? Is it abnormal? Probably. Whatever.

     Alright, so here's the deal. Life is amazing. Really it is. Sometimes I want to scream it from the rooftops. Life is hard. Really it is. Sometimes I want to fall on my face and give up. Life is painful. Really it is. Sometimes I want to curl up in a dark corner and cry. Life is a journey. Really it is. New choices are present every day, and the question is, which will I choose?

      Mitchell, how many more "Life is..." sentences are you going to write? Okay, okay fine. I'll stop.

     I guess I really don't know where I'm going with my life. I mean, I have a job that I mostly love, sometimes don't, and usually feel fulfilled with. I'm going to college, and that's what I feel like I should be doing, but I have no idea what to study or what field to get a degree in. I enjoy going to Church, but feel inadequate to fulfill my responsibilities because I missed my home teaching this month and have been slacking on my calling and other responsibilities. I enjoy spending time with my family, but feel like I'm not a good son/brother because I just don't know how to be my true self around them... I love my best friend, and enjoy spending time with him, but I have issues with anger, depression, jealousy, etc. that can make it taxing for both him and myself.

     I just haven't felt "happy" for quite some time now. I mean, I get a little taste of it every now and then. Sometimes I feel happy momentarily when I'm with my family or friends, I usually feel happy (or at least spiritual) at Church, sometimes I feel happy at school, and sometimes I just get little sparks of happiness throughout the day. Overall  though, I feel like I'm just not happy. What's weird is that I'm not completely depressed either. Well, at least not like I used to be. I'm sort of just in this awkward middle place where things aren't happy or sad. They just are.

     What's frustrating is that I know I've been on both sides. I've been consistently happy for quite some time in my life more than once. Conversely I've also been consistently sad/depressed for some time as well. But for the past few months it has been neither. So why the in-between? I've been trying to figure it out, but I'm just not sure.

     I guess part of it, and something that I thought of this week, may be the fact that I haven't visited the temple for some time. I know in the past when I attended, the following week and month would be so much better. Things seemed happier and I usually had a better and deeper perspective. Another, and perhaps more obvious piece of the puzzle has been that I haven't been praying or reading scripture nearly as often as I should.

    I miss my dog. I know that's random, especially to suddenly interrupt the blog post with a seemingly unrelated sentence, but I really do. I don't know why, but I just thought of it. That's not why I'm unhappy, but I realize that she was a really big help for me emotionally. She loved me no matter what I did (okay, it was love/hate... but to me, that was love). I was able to hold her, pet her, sit close to her, play with her, spend time with her, etc. She was a comfort, and an ever-present friend. Sometimes I really miss holding her, hearing her growl, kissing her, petting her, watching her go crazy after getting a bath... My baby was an amazing friend who I can't wait to see again.

     I love helping people, but I hate it at the same time. Does that make sense? Probably not... K. Let me try to explain. One of the things in my life that makes me the happiest is helping people, or at least giving service (even if super small).

     One of the highlights of my week was Thursday during school. I'm in an English class right now, and the assignment for the next few weeks is writing an "I Believe..." essay. The essay is supposed to focus around one core belief we have, and talk about why we believe it, what experiences we have had that led to this belief, and where we are now and where we think we will be relating to this belief. Considering that I can usually only write well about things I feel passionately about, I chose to make my essay about my testimony, and remaining faithful in the Church while dealing with trials that some consider make me incompatible to live a gospel-centered life. Basically, my essay consists of a very condensed version of "My Story", with some sentences and topics put in there to make it match the "I Believe" format.

     Anyway, this week in class, we brought our essays to have them peer reviewed and edited. Keep in mind that my essay is basically my life's story, so it included stuff about my addictions, depression, and yes, homosexuality. The first two people who edited my essay expressed empathy and sympathy, and gave me good feedback on how to improve my essay. I can appreciate empathy but sympathy is usually awkward for me... I want people to recognize the accomplishments I've made, and encourage me to continue to live a faithful life to what I believe and know to be true, rather than express how sorry they are for what I deal with... I know people probably have good intentions when they do it, but please don't say you're sorry that I deal with same-sex attraction. It's a fact of my life. I've moved on. And it's not something that I suffer because of. What I can't stand, though, is when people are "sympathetic" that I'm LDS and deal with same-sex attraction... please never apologize to me about my religion. I love my religion, and I have no regrets about the religious path I have chosen to follow.

     I keep getting off topic... two paragraphs ago I said I would tell you about the highlight of my week... Well, the third girl who edited my essay was very kind about it. She gave me good feedback, said she really appreciated the essay, and then I gave her feedback on hers. Time was up, and we went back to our seats to hear the last of the lesson. When I went back to my seat and looked over the edits she had put on my essay, I noticed that she had basically written me a letter on the back. In the letter, she told me she has been struggling recently. She mentioned she has been fairly inactive in the Church, and is just getting back in to activity. She said she could relate to many of the things in my essay (though I don't know what things specifically). And lastly, she shared that she had been praying to know whether the Church was true, and if she was doing the right thing, and said she felt my essay was part of her answer. Reading that gave me one of those moments of happiness.

     My essay wasn't amazing or ground-shattering. It was just my story, a list of life experiences, and tying it all in to what I believe and why I believe it. I wasn't expecting it to change anyone's life, and in fact I was sort of nervous to have people read it (which is strange, considering I'm out to anyone who decided to open my blog). The fact that it helped her made me really happy. It made me feel like I can make a difference in the world...

     Well, it's late. I should go to sleep... I don't know all the answers yet. Like I said earlier, life is a journey. Hopefully I'll find the answer someday. Happiness is out there, I just need to find how to best attain it in my own life. I love my Heavenly Father. I'm so thankful for every blessing I've been given. I hope I'll be able to let God in to my life so that I can continue to move forward in life, in the gospel, and in improving myself.

     I love you all. God bless.

Jealousy

     The other day, I was doing a brief check up on my blog (looking for any new comments, stats, etc.) When I was intrigued by one of the titles of a post from way back in 2013. I read it, and as weird as it may sound, I became jealous of my "past self".

     As I read the post, I felt inspired, I honestly didn't feel like I was reading something that I wrote. I didn't understand. How was I so good at writing and expressing my feelings back then? How was I able to so quickly and efficiently find peace and happiness even in the midst of trials? How was I so open to promptings and spiritual feelings? How was I......? The list could go on and on.

     I loved the post I read, but I also felt jealous of it. It led to a lot of introspection and questioning. The main question I asked myself was "what is different in my life now as compared to my life in 2013?" I just couldn't put my finger on it. I didn't understand.

     The thing is, in some ways I am doing better in my life than I was in 2013. I have a job now I feel very loyal to, I am enrolled in college through BYU-Idaho (through the Pathway program), I am doing better with my addictions than I was in 2013 (though definitely still not completely clean), I have a calling in my ward that requires me to serve others and actually work, so with all of these good things now that I didn't have in 2013, how did my life seem better then? What was going on?

     I realized a big part of the puzzle on Sunday. Perhaps I was happier back in 2013 not because of a lack of trials or because of high successes, but because I was grateful for what I did have. Back in 2013, I was much quicker to say "thank you" to God than I have been recently. I appreciated the people in my life more than I do now. I found happiness even in the midst of trials. I was closer to God, I prayed and read my scriptures more. I was more humble than I have been recently, partly because of circumstance (being compelled) and partly due to choice.

     So if there were positives and negatives then, and there are positives and negatives now, why the stark difference in happiness and quality of life? I honestly think one of the biggest factors in this has been my lack of gratitude. That's not to say I haven't been grateful about certain things, but I haven't been consistently thankful, I haven't been thankful about the little things. Another big factor is I have been fairly pessimistic. Dealing with depression doesn't make it easy to be optimistic, but I chose to be as optimistic as I could in the past, and I haven't been choosing it as much recently.

     So what can I do? Well, the truth is, I don't know all the answers. I do know, however, that I need to regain an attitude of gratitude (and no, I'm not just saying that because it's November). I honestly need to start thanking God for the big things, the small things, and everything in between. I need to be thankful to and for the people in my life.

     I also need to change certain habits. I need to start praying regularly, I need to start reading my scriptures regularly, and I need to serve others (which is something I've been lacking a lot in recently). While I'll never be the same person I was in 2013, nor should I hope to be, I can strive to regain the good qualities I had back then, and seek to gain new ones as I move forward and try to shape who I am and who I want to be.

The Nature of Anger

     I've honestly been wanting to blog more than I have been. I started my first semester of college about two months ago, and with the mixture of school, homework, work, family, friends, Church, etc. life has been really busy. I have, however, been taking an English class in school which I am hopeful will help me become a better writer, and help me feel more motivated and confident in keeping my blog more updated than it has been.
     Until I reach that time, however, I've decided that due to time I will post some of the essays I've written for school that I feel work with my blog. I know that might be lame of me ;) but I have tried to write my essays as similar to the writing on my blog: personal and religious.
     Here is my first post of the essays from my class, and hopefully as I get back into the habit of blogging, I'll be able to write blog-specific posts instead of just copy-pasting assignments.

The Nature of Anger

     I wondered about my experiences with anger as I watched my older sister close off and become angry with her husband after he had done nothing (as far as I could tell) to upset her. I was intrigued because I saw so much of myself in her at that moment, and I've seen it many times since. I have never wanted to be an angry person, and I don't know why I experience anger. The most painful aspect of it for me is that it hurts the people I love most. I have always wanted to be a loving person, and improve the life of those I meet, but my anger complicates things. I have the desire to change, and I've been trying to overcome my anger for years now, but I haven't had much success. Perhaps I have just been going about it the wrong way. Rather than just trying to fix it, maybe I should be approaching it with a different mindset and question: “does anger ever go away?”

     One way to approach this question is to ask a branching question, “is anger a temporary condition?” If this question has an affirming answer, then that would imply that anger can be cured, fixed, or simply overcome. Could anger be a temporary condition? There have been times in my life where I have given my all to leaving my anger behind and never letting it hurt myself or the people I love again, but all those attempts, all the promises to myself, the people I love, and to God did not bring about a “cure” of my anger. Yet still the question remains a possibility. It is very possible that I have been going about it the wrong way. Perhaps anger is temporary, but I have just not found the cure yet.

      Then there is the second branching question, “is anger a permanent condition?” With an affirming answer, this would imply that anger is more along the lines of an incurable mental illness or disease. If this is the case, it means there is not necessarily a cure, and to overcome or manage anger issues I would need to find coping skills rather than seeking a cure. This answer, if true, would imply that I may deal with anger for the rest of me life. I can draw on other issues I deal with that fall under this category of being a permanent condition: depression, anxiety, addiction, etc. None of those conditions have a “cure” or easy fix. They all still affect me, though I have found coping skills and am now able to handle the episodes much more efficiently. If anger falls under this same category, it would mean I would need to find coping skills in order to manage my anger.

      Even narrowing it down to two basic possibilities “is it temporary or permanent?” does not answer the question. There are more factors involved. Because anger, like many emotions, has multiple severities and affects each person differently, it could have almost any answer, no answer, or an answer specific to an individual. From what I have observed, some people rarely experience anger and in situations when they do, they seem to be able to choose when to drop it. With this observation it would lead to the belief that anger is a temporary emotional experience because the person can choose when to “turn off” their anger and replace it with another emotion. Then there are those who appear to experience anger much more powerfully and permanently. These people often get angry at things that would not make sense to observers. Sometimes there is nothing on the outside that even angers them. In these situations the person often seems “out of control” and cannot just turn off their anger. It often takes time for them to come back to reality, and often they have to leave the situation and spend time to cool down. This situation leads to the conclusion that anger is a permanent condition that, to be controlled, would require coping skills rather than a cure.

      “Does anger ever go away?” doesn't feel like a valid question anymore. There are too many variables to accurately answer that question without having to come up with other questions and giving a long answer that both affirms and refutes this statement. It seems that anger is a personal experience, unique to an individual, which leads to a new question for me; “Is my anger temporary or permanent?”

Love you all! Hope to be writing again soon!

Name Change?

     If you've read my blog before, and just recently came back on to read this new post, or others, you may have noticed that I have changed the name of my blog. I promise you it is just that, a name change, and I'll explain why I changed the name of my blog from "Living My Faith With SSA" to "Gay, Single, & Mormon".
      When I first created my blog, it was as an expansion to my first blog which was part of an assignment in my Journalism class when I was a Senior in High School. When I made my second blog, I was still in class, and all my classmates would easily be able to link to it through my original blog, and as such I was tentative. I wanted my blog to be vague, yet still straight forward in its message, so that I could say what I needed to say without as much of a chance of backlash or offending someone.
     In the process of naming my blog, I also wanted to choose a name that clearly communicated on its own that I was a faithful member of the Church, and for me, using an acronym to explain same-sex attraction (SSA) seemed to communicate that more clearly than stating 'gay' in my title, so it's what I chose to use. I wasn't expecting my blog to be viewed by the world, just a few people, mainly those close to me. I hadn't thought the consequences out when choosing the name of my blog.
     For the past few months the name of my blog has been on my mind. I've been feeling like I want my blogs reach to be expanded. Not because I want a million views (I'm not even 1/10 of the way there), or because I think my blog is the best and I want everyone in the world to read it, it's because I want it to be available to someone searching for answers, or maybe even someone just searching and not knowing what they'll find.
     I've been thinking about the name of my blog, and yes the original name was great, but what it was missing is reach. A small portion of the world would ever use the acronym "SSA" to describe homosexual attractions, and I've been wishing I had thought through the name of my blog more thoroughly before naming it, but what's done is done, and I'm changing it now.
    While I was sitting in Church today, I had the distinct impression to change the name of my blog, and so I'm now following that impression. I hope it doesn't throw anyone off, or make me any enemies, I just felt like I needed to in order to reach more people searching or in need. And don't worry, despite the name change, nothing else (in my control) will be changing about this blog. It's still my main blog, and though it has been a long time since my last post, I will still try to post as frequently as I am prompted and have time.
     Love you all! I'm not sure what this change will bring, but I will trust with excited patience to see how things turn out. I know God must have had a purpose in it, and who knows, maybe I'll be the one to grow most from this.

Music: The Fight Between Good and Evil

     Today I came across perhaps the most empowering song I've ever heard while listening to a Christian station on Pandora. I have extremely powerful emotions towards music and the effect it can have on its listeners. My opinion on music might even match the impact my emotions towards SSA. Now before I start a tangent, I'll explain some more and then give you the song.
     So my life and music have always been on extremes. For much of my youth, I honestly hated music. I hated all music. Before iPods and MP3's (yes, even though I'm 19, I remember those times) when it was all about stereos and boomboxes, I never even wanted one. I mean, I had no reason to have one. Even when iPods and MP3's started coming out, I never had a desire to get one, after-all I hated music at the time. Then me and music got a new relationship.
     Just a while before starting middle-school I finally started opening up to music, and even started to love singing. I started out mainly listening to instrumental music, and much of it was world instrumental. I dabbled a little into vocal music, and that's where I developed a love for singing. This phase of only instrumental with a tiny bit of vocals only lasted about a year or so. After that, me and music took another twist.
     I ended up diving in to vocal music, almost all at once, and listened to the music that was popular for kids (usually radio Disney which was still cool back then). It was another quick transition from that to something else too. I ended up getting an MP3 player, and dove into another extreme, and that was music that was popular at that time for teenagers and older. This was during the big rise in hip-hop, rap, and electronic-pop-dance music. This was a big change from what I had listened to previously.
     As you can probably guess, my new relationship with music which led me to hip-hop and rap led me to find some pretty bad songs. This phase in my life lasted up until about 2 years ago, and lasted 4-5 years of my life. I was getting into music that was worse and worse. I started listening to awful songs, songs that would swear every-other word, songs that were extremely sexually explicit, and songs that were just evil and dark in nature. It wasn't long after this phase started that my life started spiralling out of control.
     It got to the point where I had no morals about music anymore, and nothing phased me. It didn't matter how much profanity, sex, drugs, or evil was in a song, as long as I liked it, I listened to it. It started influencing me, even though I never really thought about it at the time. I would listen to that music when I was feeling low, and it would drive me lower, but somehow I loved it, or at least thought I did. Music was a deciding factor in my actions, and even my free agency and was a huge influence on me driving me further and further from God. In fact, now that I think about it, I really believe it was the music I listened to that drove me from the Church, and I don't even just think, I know it was a big part of it. The music I listened to destroyed me spiritually.
     It wasn't until I got sent to inpatient treatment that I really had time to think about what I was doing in life, including the media I had decided to listen to and participate in. It was during my stay in treatment that I realized how deep music had pulled me, and how much it was destroying me inside. It's crazy to think I went from hating music, to loving it, and then getting into the worst music I could've found. Now you might think I'm talking about some kind of music you couldn't find listed on the home page of iTunes, but that's actually the exact music I'm talking about, or at least the artists. It was the "popular" music of the time that was my downfall. Lady Gaga, Kesha, Pitbull, Jesse McCartney, Katy Perry, etc. They, and so many other popular artists, were what destroyed me.
     After my stay in inpatient treatment, I resolved to change the music I listened to. At first, I decided I'd get rid of all my songs that swore at what I considered "too often". After a month or so, I realized that wasn't enough. I still had these awful evil feelings and influences, so I decided to re-evaluate. I got rid of all songs I had that swore at all. Things got better, but after a month or two, I started to notice evil influences in my life still. I was still hitting lows because of music. I took another look into it.
     This time I took out all my music that was sexually suggestive, any song that had innapropriate references, gone. Things improved a little, but still, evil influences, bad feelings, low points and sin. I re-evalutated again the music I listened to. This time, deciding to eliminate any music that contained indirect references to anything sexual. Again, more improvement, but a month later, still evil there. This time I decided I really needed to do something big. I needed to sacrifice something more for God if I was ever going to improve.
    I did a huge evaluation of all the music I had. I decided this time that I wouldn't just eliminate individual songs, but if there was an artist who sung any song with any profanity, sexual reference, drug references, anything evil, then every single song from that artist went bye-bye, no matter how "positive" an individual song sung by them may have been. I decided to judge the music by emotion too. Any song that invoked anger or hate, gone. I used to listen to heavy rock, that was gone because it provoked anger and hate. I dropped entire genres. Rap and hip-hop, completely deleted, metal and heavy rock, completely gone. Needless to say, my music library was cut in more than just half. I had a fraction left of what I had had before.
     It was not an easy process, getting rid of all that music, especially because I had spent money on it, and there was no way to return it. It was also hard to get rid of it, because did I like it? Yeah, it was fun to dance to and sing to, but the destruction it had heaped on me was so much worse than any "fun" that came from it, and the disobedience from God's law that it was compromised who I wanted to be. I was pretty much out of music to listen to, my library was tiny and I loved music but had little-to-nothing to listen to. This is when I came across a new kind of music; Christian.
     Christian is now essentially all I listen to, and has been perhaps one of the biggest blessings God has given me. The evil influence, destruction, and corruption my previous playlist once caused me has been replaced by good, uplifting, and inspiring music always drawing me closer to God, and I still think there's room to improve, in fact after this post, I'm going to filter my music library yet again.
     The process of change has not been easy. Some people may laugh at this because evil music has become so normal that it's funny to think someone tries to avoid it like pornography or drugs, but honestly I've had to treat music just like my addictions. I've had relapses on my bad music since I deleted it all. As amazing as the radio in my car is, and as amazing as Pandora has been in helping me find amazing Christian and LDS music, they've also both been extremely dangerous for me. I've had times where I've listened to evil music on the radio or Pandora since I deleted almost my entire music library.
     This is the part people might laugh or smile on, but I've even caught myself justifying listening to songs that aren't in and of themselves evil, but by an artist who has a lot of really bad music, and even that influences me for evil, regardless of how "good" the individual song may be. Satan has literally tempted me to return to old music through so many different avenues, including factors that I can't control, and so I have to be constantly vigilant about what's going on around me to avoid the temptations that can cause me to go back to listening to bad artists or songs.
     I have such powerful emotions towards music because I have been everywhere with music. I once hated all music, then I got into it and listened to strictly instrumental, then I got into lyrical, dove into popular music, delved into absolutely evil music, and made a slow and painful recovery climbing out of the dark hole and finding my way back to God by deleting my music library. I have such strong emotions because I see people being destroyed by music every day, even people in the Church who you would never suspect. People delving into music that seems "innocent" enough, but ultimately leads to worse things. Just like drugs have "gateway" drugs (lesser drugs that easily and almost always lead to worse drugs) I believe and know for a fact that there is also gateway music. I have a testimony of music for both sides, good and evil, and I know what an influence music can be.
     I am a Child of God, and I will never sell my soul for the evil of this world. I honestly feel that music is something I would fight for. If I could go to war against evil music, even with a risk of losing my life, I honestly believe I would. If I knew I had a chance to change the world, to change music as it is, I would happily seize the opportunity.
     I want to challenge every single person who reads this post to go look at the music you listen to, the movies you watch, the channels you turn to on the TV, the talk-shows or other media you watch or listen to, even the pictures you have on your walls and as the wallpaper on  your electronic devices. Look at them, and honestly, 100% think about whether these bring you closer to God, closer to who you want to be, or whether they are doing the opposite. Think about the effects it may have on you even indirectly. I promise I never saw the full affects of music on me until I looked back on it and saw how destructive it really was.
     I honestly desire that every single person who reads this post will re-evaluate their lives in every aspect, and really think about what things you're letting affect you, and whether you mean to let them affect you or not. It's amazing how such small things that may seem so insignificant can effect us in the biggest ways.



     I almost want to end the post here, but I promised a song, and so I will post it and let you check it out. This song is what inspired this post. This song makes direct jabs at many popular artists of this day like Lady Gaga, Katy Perry, Kanye West, and Kesha. I love this song, I really do. I'll end the post with this, and I'll post the song and lyrics and highlight the lyrics that really stuck out and meant something to me. Don't let the media control your life, let God be your guide, not media be your dictator and deceiver. I love you all. I hope you all walk away from this with the ability to see the things that influence you, and that God will bless you with the ability to identify and remove the negative.

If the video isn't available here, visit it on youtube at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GlIGjHrv-WM

 

Control

Royal Tailor

 

This world is, ra, ra
In a bad romance, going, ga, ga
You know we're gettin' played
By the love game

And hypnotized by all the fame
But I believe we can't back down from the fight
It's not okay with me to just be silent
Won't be silent, silent

No, we won't let them take control
We won't go with the flow
We've got to stand together

It's all plastic and I can't be a fake
It's all static, every word that they say
We won't let them take control
Won't let them take control

Life is short, baby, tik tok
Ain't got no time for your, blah, blah
(Nah, nah, nah)
'Cause girl, we don't need your drug

No, no, we don't what you're calling love
'Cause I believe that you're either yes or no
You're hot or cold
No teenage dream could ever be worth your soul
Never worth your soul

Burn like a fire
Shine like a diamond
See a flash when I smile
Brighter than Kanye's
Comes to the heart

Gotta guard what we buyin'
Can't you see they all got you tryin'
To fall in love with your stereo

So they control what you think
And everywhere you go
But greater is He who lives inside of we know
He won't lose fight, that's right

Who's the Real Hero?

     There are things I'm good at, and things I'm not. That's true no matter who you are, we all have strengths and weaknesses. I just happened to realize some things I'm really good at, and things I fail at in these past couple days. Friendship, something that has always been a driving force in my life, is one of those things that I either do well in, or fail. At least, that's how it seems.
     It's relatively easy for me to meet most people for the first time. I know what's expected in greeting people, I know how to try to get small-talk going, I can introduce myself, ask how they're doing, see what they do in life, but without further invitation or influencing factors, that's about as far as it goes. Then there's the people I actually create friendships, or at least relationships with...
     I've noticed that it's a real rarity for me to find someone I can be my true self around. Looking back when I was in High School, there was a lot of people I was friends with that I thought I was being "myself" around, but in all honesty, I wasn't completely authentic. I was comfortable to be as weird and crazy as I wanted, but I wasn't my true self... The gospel, which is a huge part of how I define myself, wasn't something I felt comfortable talking to them with, at least to the degree and depth I would've wanted. I couldn't really share my struggles and get the understanding and support I wanted.
     Then after High School I found friends who could understand. And just over the past half-year since that time, many of them have slowly dissolved out of my life. That's the thing, unless I feel very close to someone (which again, is very rare for me), I have a hard time keeping in contact with them. There have been people I hung out with once or twice, and just fell out of their life after that because I forgot or was busy or just didn't have motivation... Looking back on it now, it makes me feel selfish. Maybe I am, I don't know.
     Then there's another thing. Even when I feel close to someone, I still struggle keeping the friendship/relationship strong. As I get closer to someone, my expectations rise, and when those expectations aren't met, I get hurt and close off. I have a hard time with long-distance relationships or with relationships where I don't get to see the person very often. For me, it's really hard to consider myself close to someone when I haven't seen them for a long time or ever really spent quality time with them.
     And so all of this creates a big circle for me. First, I have a hard time finding someone I can truly feel close to, second, I can forget to stay in contact with people or not have a desire to be in their life, and third, even when I feel close to someone, I still struggle, and the friendship can still dissolve. Lots of stuff for me to think about...
     It was while I was going through my old letters and possessions that I realized much of this. Reading letters and cards people had given me all the way from elementary until now made me realize how many people I've left behind. How many people I've had come and go in my life, many of the goings being on my part. It got me to thinking I'm like a big "recycler". Entering someone's life for a period of time, and then slowly dissappearing... There have even been friendships where I considered them a best friend and could never imagine not being their friend, and yet, now they're no longer in my life.
     I know this post might seem negative. Maybe my blog isn't the best place to journalize my life ;) but these are realizations I've had about myself. Who knows, someone who reads this might be able to related and feel understood or receive some help or inspiration. That's why I blog anyway is that there may be a chance for my words/writings to touch the lives of others.
     These realizations haven't even been all negative. They hurt, yes, and gave me a lot to work on, but at least it's making sense now. I had a friend who I was talking to today who gave me some much needed and amazing feedback: "Sometimes we help people for a certain time and that is that. We will have many people come in and out of our lives... It may be a very short time, and others might be a lifetime. Just be grateful that you were able to help them when you did have them in your life. God will put others in their life to help them if you can't be there. You can only do so much and God knows that. You miss people, but you also turn them over to God."
     I really needed to hear that today, and that got me thinking even more. Part of my issue is that I try to be everyone's "Savior", in a sense. In no way am I comparing myself to Christ,  but often times in my life I've wanted to help everyone. I wanted to be some amazing person who could take a bullet for someone, take a trial onto myself to relieve another, and just make people's lives better. I know I've impacted lives around me, some for good, some not so much. But no matter what i do, I can't fix, help, or save everyone. There's a limit, and a big on at that, to what I can do. Christ and God are the only ones that can do it, and they can do it perfectly. It hurts to think that I can't save the people I care about. It hurts to know I can't take away their pain, it hurts to know that I'm "inadequate" to reach my goal, as irrational and impossible as it is.
     The best thing, and really only probable thing I can do is be there for people as much as is possible and healthy for them and me, but more importantly to help them turn to and find God in their lives. I'm no superman as much as I may want to be sometimes. I can't save everyone, in fact, alone I can't save anyone. I can't take hardships, pain, or trials from people, all I can do is support and love them in their journey and point them towards God and Christ.
     My influence may not be what I want it to be, I'm not the "hero" of the world, nor will I ever be. But I can be my own hero if I let myself turn to God and if I let Him take care of me and those I love. I need to trust in Him more, and rely on His power rather than wishing I could do more than is humanly possible.
     Sometimes life is crazy. My brain, for one, is pretty crazy ;) How it came up with the things it did/does I may never know, but at least I know I don't have to be everyone's hero. God can do that, all I have to do is my part, and try to help others come to God. My best.That's what I need to focus on, doing my best, not making my best better than it can be.

I may not be the hero, but I know Who is;

      And with that, I'm going to pray now. Love you all!

Beauty in the Unknown

     There has been a lot I've learned these past few weeks. Things I've learned about myself, things I've learned about others, things I've learned about God and my relationship with him.

     One things, which to a degree I knew before, but hadn't really had it hit me as hard as it did this week is that I accepted this life, knowing I would have trials, maybe even knowing I'd have these specific trials I face. I knew to a degree what I would potentially face, and I accepted it. I willingly came here because I followed God's plan in the pre-mortal life. I fought in the war in Heaven. I earned my place here on this earth.

     I might just be all over the place in this post, so I apologize, but I want to delve into a topic that was brought up in this months' CES fireside with Brother Russell T. Osguthorpe. He had a lot of great things he talked about during the fireside, but for now I just want to focus on one specific thing he spoke about; agency. There was a lot he shared about agency, in fact it seemed to be the main topic of the fireside. One thing he said that particularly struck me, that we do have agency, we do have will. We can change our desires, our very nature, through the healing power of Christ. But I had questions rise after he said this. What did he mean? Did it apply to same-sex attraction as well? Could it really be changed? Should it?
     As I sat there in deep thought, questioning what he meant, something clicked inside my brain. I've known and accepted for some time now that same-sex attraction is very likely something I will deal with for a long time, probably my entire life, but maybe.... maybe what he meant was a slow process. Not an all at once *boom* you're changed. Maybe not even a full change in this life, just a "lessening". I started thinking of it more from an addict point of view. That does not mean that I'm comparing same-sex attraction to an addiction. Let me try to explain...
     I know heterosexual people (AKA "straight") who are sex addicts. They see a good looking person of the opposite sex, and almost immediately an unclean thought can pop into their head. Then they have to choose to dismiss the thought, or entertain it. I can see a good-looking guy (trust me, it happens), but I can choose not to objectify him. I can choose where I take my thoughts.
     Going off that same topic, I've seen people, heterosexuals, feel a lessening in their attraction through the healing power of Christ and trusting in Him. Does that mean they aren't attracted to the opposite sex anymore? No. Does it mean their attractions just displace, and suddenly they're attracted to the same-sex? Definitely not. They still have attractions to the opposite sex, but their ability to cope, their wandering eyes and risky thoughts become less and less frequent, and when they do resurface, they're easier to conquer. It's like the scripture Ether 12:27 27 "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."
     Maybe it's not a matter of losing the attraction, losing the addiction, losing the behaviors, whatever the trial may be; perhaps it's a matter of trusting in God and Christ to make that which is weak into a strength. I know that for me, my same-sex attraction has, in so many ways, gone from a huge weakness to a huge strength. A great blessing I am eternally thankful for. my same-sex attraction once caused me to question the worth of my life, caused me to question God's love for me, I questioned my worth to others. Now, however, I realize I am worth more than I could ever comprehend here on this earth. My same-sex attraction allows me to love and empathize with people in ways few people can. I am able to be humbled more so than I would be without it. I know my Savior in ways some people don't while here on this earth. What was once a curse, a weakness, is now a blessing, a weakness, that I rejoice in God for.
     Does it come with hardship still? Sure! I have accepted that I cannot be with a man romantically if I desire true happiness, and sometimes that can be hard, though ultimately I am happier without romance with the same-sex. I still deal with rejection and exclusion. There are still people who do not understand and do not accept me or others like me. I deal with pressure from others, even members who claim to be "active and faithful" in the Gospel, to just live out life following my desires. To get with a guy. That's one thing that appalls me: people who claim to be active, faithful, God-fearing members, yet actively seek to lead people astray. That openly and actively oppose such an important teaching of the Church and God, the institution of the family. True love is not enabling, but pushing others in a loving and Christ-like manner to repentance and truth. But that's a topic for later. Point is, I still have struggles.
     As a very wise Apostle once said: "Doubt your doubts, before you doubt your faith." -Dieter F. Uchtdorf



     Ultimately I truly know God loves me. I know I have divine potential. I know I have worth. Christ's love is eternal, the atonement never ends. I truly love you all, and I know Christ loves you all perfectly. God bless you continually!

Happiness Amidst the "Pain"

     Something I've been thinking about recently is all the happiness and blessings I have in my life currently. I've been blessed monumentally by everything that is going on in my life right now. My wonderful friends, my family, my job, my pets, God, the LDS church, the list goes on and on. Now I can't credit it all to SSA, I mean I didn't go into my job interview and say "hey, I have SSA, did I get the job?", but what I can say is for me, my SSA, addictions, and other trials and things I deal with have helped me grow so much. What was once something I considered a curse, a hindrance, even a factor that would eventually damn me is now something I view with humble understanding and lots of thanks to God.
     Through my feelings of SSA I have come to realize what it means to truly love someone for who they are, not what they are. Because feelings of attraction come with feelings of sexual desire, I have had to learn to bridle my lusts because I wish to live a life pleasing to my Heavenly Father. Through this practice of bridling passions and learning self-control, I have learned to change the way I view someone I am attracted to from an object for my own selfish desires to another human being, a Child of God who I can then learn to love and care for without selfish desires finding their way into my mind.
     Getting to know the person on a deep and emotional level has been a huge factor to me. Once I get to know someone, I learn to mourn with them, I learn our similarities and differences, I learn what makes them unique, what they like, who they are, etc. And once I reach this point, I begin to love them. I begin to care for them to the point where I would not be able to live with myself if I were to use them for fulfillment of lustful desires.
     I've had people tell me before that these feelings are something I need to work through, that eventually I need to get rid of. I've had people ask me if I could choose to not have feelings of SSA whether or not I would choose to get rid of those feelings or keep them. Many times I was unable to answer because I truly did not know much about it, but with the point I am at in life and the understanding I have gained through what I have gone through, I have decided with wholeheartedness that I would not trade my experiences or feelings for anything. Why? because they have brought me so much personal and spiritual growth. It has brought me friendships and relationships I never dreamed possible, and it has taught me to love everyone and to have and show empathy and understanding.
1 Peter 1:7; "That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ:"(emphasis added)

 2 Corinthians 12:9-10; 9 "And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

 10 Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong."(emphasis added)

     Now I understand and believe that Christ has the power to remove my SSA and addictions, this is something I know is possible, but at the same time, I would be completely content to live out the rest of my life continuing to grow and learn from dealing with these "trials". And if Christ sees it fit to eventually remove them from me, whether in this life or the next, then I will trust in his judgment and be thankful for all I have learned through the blessing of having them.
     Know that I love you all, and that I know that any trial in our life, if we let it, can help us grow closer to God and grow personally in our testimony and personal and spiritual strength. May we all strive to see life through a different pair of eyes and find the Happiness Amidst the "Pain".

Keeping Safe

     I was given some advice awhile ago which has slowly proved itself a principle I really need to begin to accept and use if I wish to stay on the right path. The advice was this, that I needed to "watch my relationships (friendships) with guys and really evaluate why I chose to be their friends", because I was making a lot of relationships with guys because I was attracted to them, and while I wasn't consciously doing it, I was making the relationship with them because I wanted to be intimately close with them.
     When I first got this advice, I was pretty upset. I felt like I was being accused and told to restrict my friendships with guys, which (if you've read My Story) was a pretty bad idea, kinda like taking steps backwards instead of forward. I wasn't thinking of what the advice really entailed, rather, I became defensive and stuck in my own stubbornness. It wasn't until later that I actually saw the advice for what it really was.
     One of my friends who I met through work wasn't always the most accepting. He seems to be one of those people who hasn't yet come to understand what it means to love everyone and not judge. Well, I felt like he was becoming one of my really good friends. He was LDS as well, and he had even invited me to his ward once. I had turned to him for advice before, and while it was often passive, and sometimes hurtful, it usually worked and I felt like I could trust him. I ended up making the decision to reveal my attractions to him. I did it very passively and slowly, but eventually I told him.
     He didn't react the way I had hoped, in fact many times he tried to drill into me his belief that I chose my attractions, and in defense I constantly defended myself saying I would never have chosen something that brought me so much pain and isolation. Before coming out to him, he had always treated me pretty kindly and fairly, but after telling him, he shut me out in many ways. He no longer wanted to touch me, no high-fives, handshakes,  friendly hugs, or anything like that, which began in my mind, though unconsciously, to replay all my experiences with 'Chris' and other boys in my early life. He never talked to me the same as he did before I came out to him, and his advice slowly became more uniform and it seemed like he gave it quick and reluctantly to get me off his back.
     I suppose there are a lot of people who would've broken off the friendship by now, but I wasn't willing to let go. To be honest, I was attracted to him. I wanted him to care about me, I wanted him in my life, yet continually he pushed me away. I became angry and hurt, particularly towards God because my friendship wasn't working out. I felt like he was my one guy friend who would actually talk to me, I didn't want to lose him. Though the friendship was becoming emotionally draining and even destructive for me, I wasn't willing to turn away. I kept crawling back, even after I had promised myself I was done with him.
     Slowly I began to realize that what I was fighting for wasn't going to work, no matter how much I tried to make it. I had to come to the hard realization that while I did care for him as a brother, friend, and fellow human being, I wasn't in the friendship for the right reasons. I slowly came to the realization I was taking some things too personally and being obsessive even. I had to take a step back and look at what I was doing to even realize why.
     I am still friends with him, but I give him a lot more space now, and whenever I notice I'm doing something because I'm attracted to him and not because I actually care about his goals, I take a step back and stop myself. Sure, the attraction is still there, but I've been able to control it instead of letting it control me.
     I guess what I am trying to say is I've finally come to understand the advice that I was given. The advice wasn't saying I needed to avoid males, or even that I had to break off friendships. It meant I needed to be realistic. I needed to see things in a way that would better me and those around me. My attractions were controlling me, but now I'm controlling them.
     One other thing I've gotten from that advice as well is that I need to set up strict boundaries with others. Especially other males. There needs to be lines in place that I set for myself to avoid unwanted misery, grief, or pain because I've gotten into a situation or made a decision that hinders me spiritually. My boundaries need to be in place before I ever get into a situation where something could happen.
     I love all of you and I wish you all the best! Good luck and blessings in your journey through life! God be with you all, and may your relationships be safe and fulfilling

My Story

Read or Watch

Interview Highlights:

 

Full Interview:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uqQwbCTX9ss

Finding the Light in the Dark

My name is Mitchell Clark. I was born in December of 1994. My entire life I’ve lived in West Jordan, Utah with my mother and father, and my 2 sisters, one older and one younger. I currently work at The Soap Factory in Provo and am attending BYU-Idaho online.  I was basically born and raised a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and I was baptized and confirmed at 8 years old.

I always seemed to know I was different, even as early as six years of age, and it was often manifested in the way I acted and the way people treated me. For the most part, however, I had a good childhood. I loved animals, enjoyed nature, playing outdoors, and loved to spend time with friends.

The Beginning 

When I was about six, I became friends with a boy my same age who lived in my neighborhood. He and I became very close, we were best friends. Our relationship was positive, fun, and fulfilling, in fact, neither of us ever thought we’d stop being friends. It was when we got a little older, about seven or so that our relationship began to change. Sexual exploration found its way into our friendship, and after that we started to grow apart. Things finally reached a boiling point when we were about nine, we got into fights more and more frequently, finally ending in our last fight effectively ending our friendship, and not long afterwards, he moved away and I’ve never seen him since.

By this time I had started elementary school and had found a new best friend, but I hadn’t gotten over the loss of my other friendship. My new friend and I had a much more positive relationship. We never really fought, we got along well, and we both enjoyed spending time together. As time went by, however, he too moved away, and our friendship eventually died out due to distance. 

Changes

After the fight and consequential ending of my first friendship and the dying out of my second, I moved on to find another friend. She and I became much closer than my previous friendships. After the loss of my friendships, and the overall painful experience I had in the first, I began to distance myself from boys. I didn’t socialize with the boys in my grade, if anything I tried my best to avoid them. My new best friend was who I strove to be with, and who essentially I tried to act like. Both she and I started to reach out and make new friends during Elementary School to add to our “group”, all of which were girls, with the exception of one boy who I never grew close to anyway. I tried my best to be like my friends, to be “better” than other boys. My new actions earned me the name “Michelle” which I carried, sometimes proudly, throughout nearly my entire elementary school to high school experience. 

I experienced some abuse as a child from authoritative figures in my life. While originally I thought nothing of it, it led to me taking my avoidance of boys my age to another level,  and essentially believing that all males would hurt me, and that it was best to just avoid them. I became even more fastidious with those I let in to my life and those I socialized with, and having any boys as friends

Essentially I got to the point where I feared males enough and had enough unhealed wounds that it soon turned to hate and resentment. I pushed males out of my life because of the pain and fear I had experienced. This led me to be isolated and void of any healthy friendships, or even relationships with members of the same-gender.  

             When I was about ten I ran into pornography. At first I didn’t really know what it was. I had heard of it, and knew from what I had been told that I should avoid it, but curiosity took hold. What started as an accidental encounter turned into a war of addiction to pornography as well as masturbation. 

            Addiction and Depression

                My addictions have been a problem for me ever since they started, and yet at the time I was still unaware of the consequences and severity of what I had gotten myself into. It wasn’t until about age 14 when I really began to realize what was going on. I didn’t consider myself an addict, by any means, but I knew logically that what I was doing was wrong, and I was being affected.

            I started feeling a lot of guilt and shame for what was going on. I hid my addictions, my “secret life”, as best I could from everyone for fear of being caught. I decided one day that I wanted to do what I felt God and my family wanted me to do, even what I wanted me to do, and that was stop my addictions. It seemed, however, that no matter what I tried I couldn’t stop. No matter how hard I focused, or how hard I tried, even pleading to God to help me, to just take it away and make it like it had never happened, it would flare up again and I’d slip back into the addictive cycle.

            The guilt, shame, and destructive nature of addiction really started to affect me when I was fifteen. I slipped into a habit of isolation, staying away from social situations as often as circumstances would permit, even going out of my way to not be interrupted in my time in isolation. The nature of isolation drove me further into my addictive cycle, and brought me to start to question my worth, question my abilities, even question if God truly loved me. I had been praying for help for so long, to be “cured”, but I hadn’t seen any changes. It seemed I was continually going downhill. 

            My parents eventually found out about my addictions. My secrets had finally been revealed, and in fear I denied as best I could. I made excuses, lies, anything I could to misplace the truth of the situation. My parents got me in to see my family doctor and I told him about my pornography addiction, and disclosed some, but not all, of my emotional pains. He diagnosed me with depression and anxiety, though we didn’t talk much about the addiction, and whenever he asked me how I was doing, I’d lie and say I was fine.

            I ended up getting into therapy for my depression, anxiety, and addictions. The therapy helped to a degree, but I never felt like any of my therapists truly understood me, and in consequence I kept quiet about most things, especially same-sex attraction. Because I kept quiet the help I received was minimal. I had been going through a lot of different therapists trying to please my parents and go through the motions so that they’d believe I was ok enough to not need therapy. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to change, it was that I didn’t believe I could, I wasn’t ready yet, and I didn’t love myself. I was finally in a position to receive the help I had been praying and asking for from God for years, yet blinded by fear, I didn’t recognize it.

            Things got to the point in my life where my depression really started to hit hard. I was trying my best to go through the motions in life, but things just didn’t seem to be improving. I didn’t know what was wrong with me. Why couldn’t I change? Why did I feel like God had left my life? Why was I chosen to deal with these things? My self-worth and motivation finally plummeted enough that I began to consider suicide as a viable option. It was at this time that life began to change, yet again for me.  

            Hitting Rock Bottom

      My isolation had seemed to have reached its’ peak. I often spent the night in my room alone after school, and stay there until the next morning when it was time to go to school again. My emotions which had originally seemed only to affect me internally began presenting themselves in my external life. I started failing classes at school, my friendships were nonexistent outside of the set school environment, and I did nothing extracurricular outside of work and school. 

                Despite everything that was going on, I still somehow managed to put on a face when I was around people. I still managed to convince everyone that I was ok, and that I was happy. Internally, however, I was being destroyed, and trying to put up that front to lie to people by saying I was okay was absolutely draining and exhausting, and it became harder and harder for me to hide it. I had pushed God out of my life. I stopped praying, I stopped reading my scriptures, and as soon as my parents weren’t around, I’d leave Church.

Everything started to climax when I was sixteen. My depression had reached a peak, and things started to really spin downhill. I found out another guy in my neighborhood experienced same-sex attraction, and though I had never been close to him, we spent some time together. Things quickly escalated between us, and eventually we acted out together sexually. It was at this point, where I had pushed God from my life, and I had just committed something I felt for myself to be unforgivable in God’s eyes, that I decided to let God go entirely. 

It was at this point where I hit rock bottom. Things kept spiraling down-hill. It finally reached the point where I planned to take my life about a month before my seventeenth birthday. My father found me just before I was about to go through with my plan, and was able to calm me down enough that I was able to go home and get to bed safely. 

 The following morning my parents took me to an inpatient treatment center. The treatment was hard, emotional, slow, and at times depressing. Being in the inpatient treatment center essentially meant I was on lock-down, no contact to the outside world aside from the minimal time allotted for seeing immediate family. I was allowed to see my family once a week for 1-2 hours. Due to the shock of my new situation and separation from my addictions, I resorted to a new destructive behavior of self-harming. It never really became a full-blown addiction for me, but I'd harm myself whenever I felt stressed, overwhelmed, or hurt.

Being in treatment, I was brought to the point where I basically had to face the truth, and I had to face it head on. I couldn’t keep lying to myself, and I couldn’t hide things from those around me. I was finally broken and all the secrets, pain, shame, and lies I had were let out and exposed. I was vulnerable, but it was because of the vulnerability that I was able to begin to let things go. I was able to do something that had seemed impossible to me before, I had learned how to forgive myself and love myself. I learned that I could be honest, and that many times it helped to be open, it was like so much weight was being lifted. It was a gradual process, but one that I will be forever grateful for, and it was during this time that I began to turn to God again, not even only for help, but with thanks and gratitude. It was hard, but I started to find God in my life again, even in the small things. I started praying again, reading my scriptures, and though Church wasn’t available in treatment, I found ways to worship and grow closer to Him.

I had spent almost 230 days in treatment before being released the summer before my senior year of high school. I remember the feeling of having been clean of my addictions for some time, and I felt great. Unfortunately it wasn’t long after being released from treatment that I had a relapse on pornography and masturbation which led me to fall back into my addictive cycles. I was shocked. I thought I had been doing so well, how could this return? How could this happen again? I had just turned my life back to God, I had grown closer to Him then than I had ever at previous periods in my life. I was still learning that addiction doesn’t just disappear, it’s something that you have to work on one day at a time. I was able to pick myself up each time I fell, I was able to forgive myself when I made a mistake, and rather than focus on guilt and shame, I was able to focus on trying harder the next day. 

My addictions are still something I deal with today. They’ve never “gone away”, however through what I have learned, I’ve been able to turn to Christ for love and support, I’ve been able to tackle one day at a time, and I’ve been making great progress. That’s the beauty of life because of Christ, mistakes don’t have to hold me down.  I can learn from them, and strive to do better the next day.

Back to School

Once I was released from treatment, I was thrown back into normal life again. In the treatment center environment, we talked about anything and everything, there were no secrets.  That’s something that helped me so much, to be able to be open and honest with everything and everyone. Once I left treatment, I didn’t feel that same comfort to be open and honest about my struggles. It was hard for me not to have those people to turn to.

It was time for school to start up again, and it was my senior year in high school. I met with my school counselor to decide what classes I needed to take and what I needed to do to catch up on my failed credits. My counselor recommended that I not take seminary that year so I could catch up on credits, and I decided that I’d take seminary 2^nd semester but not 1^st. I had taken seminary 9^th-11^th grade, but decided not to take it my senior year.

During the weeks leading up to the start of the school year, I couldn’t get my mind off of my decision to not take seminary the 1^st semester. Seminary had been a huge lifeline in the past and had helped me immensely personally, emotionally, and spiritually, and here I was deciding not to take it. I kept praying, asking God for help and guidance. I desperately wanted answers as to what to do. Spirituality had become a core part of my life again, was it worth sacrificing it for a semester to get caught up educationally? I finally got the answer to my prayers thanks to the promptings of the spirit. I decided seminary needed to be a part of my schedule for the full school year.

The first day of school I met with my counselor and got seminary put back into my schedule even though she still urged me to consider leaving it out, otherwise I’d have multiple packets to do. It was an academic risk, but I trusted in the promptings of the spirit and in the Lord to help me make it.

That year, particularly the first semester of seminary, was one of the most spiritual experiences of my life. All three of my previous years in seminary I never really participated, I kept to myself and sat in the back, but I resolved that this year would be different. I was blessed that year with the most amazing teacher and class, and every single day in that class was a spiritual experience.

The first day of seminary, our teacher passed out a piece of paper to everyone and told us each to write him a letter about us; who we were personally, where we were in life, and things we had questions about. The letters weren’t anonymous, and I made the decision to tell my seminary teacher everything in that letter. I told him about my addictions, depression, my experience in treatment, and yes, even my same-sex attraction.

A few days later after my teacher had a chance to read the letters, he told me almost tearfully how proud he was of me, and that he loved me and felt I could be a real example to so many people in the class. That solidified my resolve to participate and be honest, not only in seminary, but in life to those important to me. Throughout that year in seminary, I shared about my addictions, trials, and eventually came out to my entire seminary class about my same-sex attraction while bearing my testimony about why I’ve chosen to stay in the gospel. 

The experience of coming out to my class was scary, but afterwards I felt such a weight lifted from me, I felt the spirit. I got an overall positive and loving response from the class, particularly from my friends and the teacher. I had a few classmates who seemed to ignore or avoid me and treat me differently afterwards, but no one ever made rude or degrading comments directly to me, and none of the little negative that happened was enough to dampen my spirit.

It was around this time, shortly before my eighteenth birthday, that I decided to trust in God and be more proactive in sharing my experiences as a way to help myself, but also to try to help and teach those around me.

Even after coming out to my seminary class, to my family, and to some close friends, I still felt lost and lonely in many ways. I still had so many unanswered questions and I was still unsure of where to go in life, though I had a strong conviction and testimony that urged me to stay in the gospel and stick to what I knew regardless of doubts or fears.

Decisions

The Christmas after my eighteenth birthday, my parents got me the Voice(s) of Hope book by Ty Mansfield. I loved that book, I read from it almost every day after getting it. It was such a blessing to me and answered so many questions that I had, but more importantly to me at the time, it made me realize that I wasn’t alone to a degree I hadn’t understood before. Not long after receiving that book for Christmas, I started doing research on it, and found In Quiet Desperation by Fred Matis, Marilyn Matis, and Ty Mansfield. That book was another big help for me.

I later found some blogs online that were a huge help to me, the first and probably most inspiring blog I found was (Gay) Mormon Guy by David Peterson (who is now my best friend). This was the first time I had found a blog about someone who was happy to be living the gospel while dealing with same-sex attraction. So many of the pages and blogs I had found in my previous searches for answers were about people who either left the church to pursue a gay lifestyle or had remained in the church, but were pushing for a change in the church’s beliefs and wanted the church to recognize and allow gay marriage. Finding David’s blog, and many others after that really inspired me to be more open about my life, and brought me comfort and a desire to live a life following the standards of the gospel.

Life was getting better, I felt more at ease with who I was, and I had a desire to stay in the gospel and live a happy and worthy life according to Christ’s standards, yet I still had unanswered questions and desires. Even though I had found so many wonderful resources, and had some friends and family who supported me and tried to understand me as best they could, there was still part of me that desired to be understood on a different level. 

I had been making great strides in overcoming my isolation from males, and I was trying hard to make friends with different guys in my life, but I was having little success. I had distanced myself from other boys for so long that I really had no idea how to act, and I was just awkward and lost. I did, however, manage to get a few friends who I felt close to that were males. I decided to share my struggles and my same-sex attraction with one of my friends who I felt really close to. He ended up rejecting me after I told him about it, he told me that my feelings of same-sex attraction were wrong and that I needed to change them, I tried to explain to him what understanding I had gained about my feelings, but he seemed unwilling to listen to my views and eventually our friendship faded and died out.

That was hard for me, to lose the one guy I actually felt close to in such a long time. Luckily I was prepared at that time with the knowledge I had gained through my experiences to be able to handle the pain without resorting to old behaviors, though the pain and sadness were still present. I became more reserved with who I shared my orientation with for a while after that because the fear of rejection had resurfaced.

During the second semester of my senior year I was taking a journalism class. In April of 2013 our teacher told us that, as part of our class, we would be starting blogs. I was immediately sparked with excitement, I thought I finally had a chance to get my voice heard, to be a part of something I was passionate about. I was cautious at first, and my original blog Finding Your Way Through Faith was about the LDS church and things I had learned about my faith and my experiences, I was very hesitant to mention anything about my same-sex attraction, especially in a blog that my entire class and teacher would be reading. My first blog, however, was a step to success for me, it gave me knowledge of what to write, how to write, and what styles and approaches make things easier to understand and get into.

Finally, due to promptings from the spirit, and my own desire to out myself and make my voice heard, I created a page on my Finding Your Way Through Faith about same-sex attraction just 2 weeks after starting my blog. It was scary for me, I didn’t know if anyone in my class would actually click on the link to the page, and I didn’t know what the response would be from them or my teacher, but things kept quiet, and no one said anything to me. About a week after posting that page, I decided I wanted to start a new blog specifically about living a life following the standards of the gospel while dealing with SSA. I wrote a post about it on my original blog stating that I would soon be starting a new blog about it, and as terrifying as it was for me to post that, knowing that my entire class and teacher would see it, I did it anyway, and actually got a very positive and loving response.

On May 18^th 2013 I started that blog. I created Living My Faith With SSA (now renamed as Gay, Single, & Mormon) and was so excited, nervous, and hopeful. I was out to the world, and as scary as it was, I felt so free and I felt as if a weight had been lifted from me. I have been working on my blog ever since and am so thankful for the responses and love I have received, and I’m especially thankful for the healing it has brought me and the closer relationship I have with God.

I was, with the help from my parents, school counselor, and most importantly God, able to catch up on all my credits by doing packets, and I didn’t fail a single class my senior year. I graduated high school, along with the rest of my senior class, on June 4, 2013. Thanks to the promptings of the spirit early on before my senior year had even started, I graduated from seminary as well.

Answers

The summer after graduation, I didn’t have much to do, and I was mainly just working. Though I had friends, I wasn’t spending time with them. I wasn’t necessarily isolating, nor was I in a deep depression, I just seemed to be disconnected from normal life for a while. I spent most of my time at home not really doing anything productive. I still had many unanswered questions, and I was trying to figure out what to do now that I was out of high school.

About a month after graduation I came across the Voice(s) of Hope website. I was immediately intrigued and watched a couple of the videos. After watching about 2 or 3 videos, I was touched with the spirit so strong, and that same day signed myself up to be a part of the Voices of Hope project. One of the first videos I watched hit me so hard, and I felt the spirit so strong. There was an option next to the video where you could message the person in the video, and so I messaged him on Facebook. In the message, I told him how thankful I was to him for his video. I expressed how I had felt the spirit so strong while watching his video, and that he had inspired me to better myself. Little did I know that that message would change my life forever.

10 days after sending that message, he responded. After some messaging back and forth, we talked over the phone. He told me about North Star. I had heard of North Star before through therapists, but all they had ever told me was that they didn’t feel like it was a good thing for me, and I had never done any research on it to see if they were right. After talking with him on the phone though, I felt a strong desire to join North Star, and he got me added onto the Facebook North Star group. He told me he wouldn’t mind meeting me in person, and as scary as meeting new people can be for me, I excitedly agreed.

The day we met I was so nervous, I hadn’t spent time with a guy in, well, let’s just say a long time, let alone a guy who knew about my same-sex attraction. He had asked me about physical touch over the phone and had asked if it was important to me, I didn’t really know how to respond. I hadn’t really experienced loving and healthy physical touch from another guy before, and yet it was something I had craved for so long. When he opened the door though, he gave me a hug. I was surprised. None of my guy friends in the past had ever really hugged me, or when/if they did, it was a “bro hug”, short and ultimately unfulfilling. The hug I received when I first met him meant so much to me. 

That day we mainly just talked and got to know each other better. I had never been around someone like that, someone who loved me and didn’t judge me, regardless of my past or what I dealt with. When I talked about something hard, he put his arms around me. Healthy physical touch was completely new to me, and yet it felt so natural, so loving, so fulfilling. The rest of the night we watched a movie together, arms around each other, just talking and enjoying the closeness. I felt the Saviors love through his touch and through his love. I do not believe that sending him that message on Facebook, him finding the message, and us eventually meeting in person was a coincidence. I truly believe he was an answer to so many of my prayers I had said for years and years without any visible answer. God blessed me beyond what I had ever expected by sending him into my life. He is still one of my best friends to this day.

After that amazing night and after being put onto North Star my life changed quickly and dramatically. The support, love, and understanding I received from people on North Star completely blew me away. I had been coming to terms with the fact that I wasn’t alone in my struggle, that there were other people out there who were living lives following the standards of the Church while also dealing with SSA, but North Star really opened my eyes to how many people were out there who I could relate to. Not long after joining North Star, I met and made some of the best friends I’ve ever had.

New Outlook

Looking back on my life, where I was and who I was, I can honestly say that I have made so much progress, and basically completely changed from who I once was. I used to believe there was no hope for me; I questioned my belief in God and my membership in the church. I hated myself, I was so depressed and hurt. I feared others, I didn’t feel like I could trust anyone, and I pushed everyone away. I thought I was cursed, I thought my same-sex attraction was a curse, a sickness, a sin and abomination. I didn’t feel like I deserved love. I thought God was upset with me and that I had offended Him. I believed I would never be able to overcome my addictions. I thought I would never be able to change the negative aspects of myself, I felt stuck, trapped, and ultimately consumed. Now, however, I realize how wrong I was.

I’ve had people ask me why I made the decisions I made, why I decided to turn back to God, even why I decided to follow the standards put in place by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints through Christ regarding same-sex relationships and marriage. My answer has been that I know that God loves me. I know that He loves me, I know that He loves everyone. I have faith and a testimony that He exists, that He created all things, and that through Him, all things are possible. I know that a same-sex romantic relationship could never bring me true happiness. Could it bring me happiness? Sure. But real, eternal, lasting happiness? No. I love my Heavenly Father, and I want to live with Him again someday, and all the people I love. And I know that to do that, I need to love Him enough to turn my will and my life over to Him.

There is hope, love, and support for everyone, no one is truly alone in this life. That’s something that has been proven to me time and time again. I realize now more than ever that I am worthy of love, I am worthy of acceptance and friendship, and so is everyone else on this earth. I’ve been monumentally blessed in my life, especially recently with all the friends I’ve made, all the answers to my prayers, and all the progress I’ve made. Life may not be perfect, and I’m definitely not perfect, but I love life now, I love existing, I love God.

For quite some time I struggled with remaining in the Church, I wasn’t sure if living a faithful life following the standards put in place by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints was what would bring me happiness and fulfillment in this life or the next life. I wasn’t even sure if I believed in God. I didn’t know if I had a testimony of the gospel or the Church. Now, however, I’ve found more happiness living by the standards of the Church, turning to God in prayer and scripture study, growing my testimony and sharing my faith with others than I ever did by questioning or living by what my carnal body and mind wanted. I’ve come to truly love the gospel, I love living by gospel standards, and I have a testimony I cannot deny. 

Is life still hard sometimes? Sure! Of course it is. Trials, struggles, and questions arise, life gets rough, sometimes I fall and make bad decisions, but the important thing is what I decide to do afterwards. I’ve realized that happiness and hope are feelings I give myself and let myself experience. I choose what I do and feel in this life, even though there may be outside factors that affect me, I choose how I deal with it. I’ve decided to take a positive outlook on life, I’ve decided to be happy and have hope for the future. I’ve decided to turn to God, to have a relationship with Heavenly Father and Christ. I’ve decided to live according to the standards of the Church because that’s what brings me happiness and because that’s what I know to be true and right.

            Do I still have feelings of same-sex attraction? Yes. How do I feel about it? I’ve come to realize that my feelings or attractions in and of themselves are not bad, having them does not make me a sinner and does not make me worth any less than others. My attractions are just that, attractions. I can choose to let them define me, I can choose to act out on an urge every time one comes my way, or I can choose to let it just be a small sliver of who I really am, and that’s what I have decided. I have not experienced a lessening in my attractions, nor have they gone away, but, with the Savior’s love and guidance and all the resources and friends I have, I am able to better cope with temptations when they arise. I’m able to look at my life with a different pair of eyes and see what it is that I truly want for myself. While my attractions have not lessened, my ability to deal with them has been strengthened.

If there is anything I wish I could tell my past self, anything I wish I could tell others in a situation similar to mine, it would be that there is always hope. No one is ever truly alone in this life, even if there is no one physically there, even if you feel you have no friends or no one to turn to, God will always be there for you, through the hard times and good times. God wants to be part of everyone’s life, God wants to bless all His children, we just have to be willing to surrender and turn to him. No one is ever beyond love. Everyone deserves to love and be loved regardless of situations, circumstances, or trials, past, present or in the future. Christ’s Atonement is real, and so very amazing and powerful. Christ suffered for every single one of us, he thought of every one of us personally and was willing to suffer for each of us so we could have the opportunity to change and repent and eventually return to live with Him.

My trials have made me who I am. The things I’ve gone through and experienced were what brought me close to God. It was those hardships that urged me to grow, that prompted me to find and keep God in my life, and that ultimately brought me to become a better person, and refine me in every single way into who I am today. I still have progress to make, my time here isn’t done, but I know that so long as God is by my side, that all things are possible, and that so long as I follow Him, someday I will have the opportunity to love with Him again.

Trials will arise, things will become hard, that’s just the nature of this life, but we all have the ability to choose what to do with what’s given to us. Life will continue to throw us curve-balls, Satan will continue to try to break us and destroy us until the day we die, but we can choose to turn to God, to do our best, and to stand up and fight every time we fall. We are all children of a very loving Heavenly Father. We all have infinite potential, and we are all worthy of love, understanding, acceptance, and forgiveness, and through the Atonement of Christ, we can receive all the blessings our Father in Heaven has to offer us.

There is always hope and love in the arms of our Savior, Jesus Christ.

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