I'm LDS and same-sex attracted (gay) and I live my life following the standards put in place by Jesus Christ. This is my blog about my life and journey.
Tonight will be my last night sleeping with my heart and lungs compressed by my own rib cage. Tonight is the last night I'll sleep with my pectus excavatum. Tonight is the last night I have before I'm strapped into the wild-ride that is 'change'.
I'd say the majority of people in my life don't know that I have a pectus excavatum. It's not something you can tell just by looking at a fully-clothed person. And if you've never seen me shirtless, and I haven't told you that I have it, there's really almost no way of knowing. But my pectus and I go way back. All the way back, actually.
For those of you who don't know what a pectus excavatum is, it's a congenital deformity (congenital meaning you're born with it) which results in some of your ribs and your sternum forming incorrectly and caving-in giving it a sunken, crater-ish-like (totally a word) appearance.
Here's a good diagram of it:
Luckily mine is not that severe.
Here's some images of my chest I took tonight. It's hard to really get the depth from a picture, but at least it's something.
For much of my life, my doctors, my parents, and I thought it was for the most part cosmetic. There wasn't significant evidence to show that it affected me beyond that. I definitely didn't want surgery just to "look better", so we never went through with anything. It wasn't until this past year when my best friend expressed concern when I was struggling to breathe and getting really sick and dizzy when I went to the gym with him that he urged me to get it checked, and so I did.
I found a doctor who specialized in dealing with chest issues (known as a cardiothoracic surgeon), and set up appointments with him. He scheduled different tests for me, and the tests confirmed that my pectus has been causing me a lot of physical limitations. They ordered an MRI and CT-scan of my chest, and I asked the doctor to print me out one of the images. While it's not the best image, here's what I got:
The white bone on the bottom is one of the vertebrae in my spine, and the top bone that is indented downward is my sternum. The grayish lump in the middle is my heart, and the black areas inside my chest are my lungs. Basically, my heart in pinched between my sternum and my spine, so any time I work out, my heart can't beat hard enough or fast enough to provide adequate blood flow and oxygen levels, hence why I get so lightheaded and dizzy so quickly when working out.
Now the surgery I'm getting is known as the Nuss procedure. It involves inserting metal bars through the ribs, under the sternum, and out the ribs on the other side. The bars are bowed, and go in with the edges protruding out of the chest. Once in, the surgeon forcibly flips the bars. The bars hook onto the rib to hold them in place, and once they are flipped, they push the sternum into place. The bars are left in for at least 2 years in order to fully reshape the chest cavity. After the two years have passed, the bars are then removed and the bones in almost every case retain their new shape. In some cases, only one bar is necessary. For me, I'm old enough and my pectus excavatum is deep enough that I will be getting two bars.
I'm honestly terrified. Not really for the surgery, but for the recovery. I've heard recovery is a very painful experience. I will likely be in the hospital after surgery for 3-5 days, and then I was recommended to take off work for about 4 weeks. As someone who will freely admit that I have a low pain tolerance, I'm definitely nervous. Right now, I'm just trying to tune out my anxiety, and just accept that it's out of my control. Will the surgery likely be worth it? Yeah. Will I likely look back and be so happy I did it once the misery of recovery is over? Yeah. But right now, I'm just so nervous...
Beyond just the pain, it in a way feels like I'll be losing a part of who I am... For me, I usually like things that make others unique. I find them intriguing and fun to learn about. I enjoy the things that make me unique, and my pectus is one of those things. But it will soon be gone... And I've only been able to use it as an excuse to get out of heavy work for the past year... Truly unfortunate that it must be corrected so soon so I can no longer play the "I'm limited, I can't help with (insert project/activity name here)." card after surgery and recovery.
I got a really good blessing from the missionaries this week, though, and I'll get one from my dad before the surgery as well. I've already heard from a lot of people who have said they will be praying for me, and are thinking of me. I've been told my name has been placed on the list in the temple prayer roll. I'm feeling really blessed and loved at the moment. I'm just hoping God can pick up the rest because there's no way I can handle the stress and misery of this by myself. I'll get on and write a Post-Op once I'm feeling a bit better.
So my life has been moving a lot the past little while. I've applied for college, and am basically guaranteed to be accepted once my high school transcripts are received and entered. Once that happens, I will be going to LDS Business College for Fall Semester this year, and classes start September 10th. I'm super nervous and scared, especially since I've heard that college is harder than high school, and that there's more homework.... and I suck at doing homework.... in fact, the main reason I failed a few classes in high school was because I didn't do my homework.
Then there's the issue of figuring out time once I get in to college. I already have a 40+ minute commute to work, and 40+ minute commute back. That's over an hour of driving just to get to and from work. Then I have the issue of trying to figure out how many hours I'll even be able to work, and trying to find time for family and time to spend with my best friend David. Plus, on top of all that, my job is South of my home, while college will be North, making my daily commute significantly longer, cutting even further into my time. I'm trying to figure out if driving my car will even be worth it... or if I should get a pass for a bus or for the frontrunner.
I'm still battling addiction, and trying to figure out life. I'm working on becoming worthy to receive the Melchezidek Priesthood. I've been doing a lot better. Before Saturday (August 2nd) I was 4 days away from being a full month sober. Unfortunately I let my guard down and messed up Saturday, and immediately after the relapse I experienced old thinking habits and justifications resurface. Immediately I told myself I could just justify it, that it wasn't "really" a relapse, and if I didn't do it again, everything would be fine... above all, I just didn't want to "lose" the month of sobriety I was just days away from reaching.
As the day went on after my slip up, the truth started to hit me, and I realized I couldn't just justify it, and that I couldn't lie. It was a relapse and I just had to admit it. I was crushed. Going nearly a month was a huge feat for me, and knowing I had just lost it from one stupid decision that wasn't worth it at all made me feel hopeless, worthless, and lost. I became extremely depressed. I attempted to take my life, and was luckily unsuccessful, but it scared me.... scared me to think of what I had almost done, and that the consequence would be permanent...
After the failed attempt I was able to call my best friend David and work things out, stabilizing my emotions, and regaining hope. Since Saturday I've been clean, and have been doing a lot better.
Life has been crazy, and I have no idea how things will work out.... my personal relationship with God hasn't been the best, but I'm trying to make it better, and even with the struggle, I still know things will work out. There are lots of changes happening in my life, lots of things I'm scared for, but it will work out. Somehow.... I just need to trust God, and I've got the best friend in the world to help me through it.
Life can be hard, life can be scary, but looking back now, I'm so happy God has spared my life, even with all my dumb decisions, and that I'm still here to enjoy it. I have a great life, even if sometimes it's flawed or hard. I have a great family, a great home, a great job, the best friend in the world, and a God who doesn't turn His back on me no matter how many times I turn my back on Him. Is life worth the climb? Definitely.
I've had a lot going on this past week; quitting my job, hitting 3 weeks of complete sobriety, weaning myself of my medication, trying to find God, etc. Through it all I've been on an emotional rollercoaster, switching between highs and lows quickly and unpredictably. For the first time in the entire history of my blog, I got hate comments and even hate emails from people upset with my last post Gay Marriage. I can deal with hate emails and comments, I've been persecuted for my beliefs as well, but what hurt me most was to see people get so angry, and so hard-hearted over something I feel so strongly about and that I've had God confirm to me multiple times, and to see them turn against God because of a misunderstanding they've come to accept as truth.
Throughout all the highs and lows, stress, and challenges this week, I've also been able to learn a lot, and grow closer to God. One thing I realized this week was that there are multiple pieces to "me". One negative belief I've had about myself for some time is that I am malicious and cruel, and there is a part of me who fits that role. That part of me represents the young me who put up walls, and sought to hurt people before they could hurt me. He is like a defense mechanism who has existed in my subconscious for years, often unseen. He carries all the hurt, pain, lies, and betrayal I've felt and experienced throughout my life, and he has been the one who lashes out at others because he's scared to be hurt anymore.
It's like I'm just a big puzzle, and if anyone asked me who Mitchell Clark really is, I don't think I could answer them, because honestly he is so jumbled and broken, that I don't know who he is anymore. Is he a kind person, a loving person, a hateful person, malicious, cruel, caring? I don't know... to me, he is all of those, yet none of them at the same time. I am lost from myself, and I'm still trying to put the pieces back together to figure out who he is, who I am.
I was able to see this part of myself yesterday while I was spending time with my best friend. I remember telling him exactly how I felt, exactly who Mitchell is, and what he does, that he lashes out and stores every negative thing anyone has ever done to me or around me. I looked him in the eyes and said "Do you love him, do you love the real me? Does God love him too?" and with tears in his eyes my friend told me yes, and embraced me, and I started sobbing. Never had anyone told me they loved that part of me, and I didn't understand how anyone could. I have never liked that side of me, I've never understood him. How on earth could anyone ever love him? But there was no lie in the 'yes' my friend told me, and I had never felt my walls crumble like they did in that moment. All the masks, walls, facades, they all crumbled in that moment, and disappeared for a time, and that young, scared, hurt part of me was embraced and told he was loved, and all I could do was cry.
It got me thinking of what it means to truly be loved, to be loved for every single part of me. Even the broken, lost parts. And that God loves me for ever single part of me that has ever existed, and that prior to that moment, I had been blind to that.
On my way home I listened to a song I had downloaded on my phone a while ago, but had never really listened to. It was "Praise You In This Storm" by Casting Crowns, and the entire drive home from my friends house that night, I listened to the song on replay, singing a long, and crying the entire time, looking to Heaven, and wondering how God loves me like He does. I praised God that entire 40 minutes home, sobbing as I thought of what He had given me, sobbing as a little lost part of me started to come to the surface, and begin to be free. Throughout all the fear, pain, highs and lows, and craziness of life, particularly the past 2 weeks, God has still heard my voice, and still been watching out for me, always trying to tell me "Mitchell, I love you, all of you." And I can only hope in time, I will be able to hear His voice more clearly and regularly.
I love my God, I love the people He has put in my life, and I love all the blessings He has given me. Life will continue to be hard and trying, finding all the pieces of me that have been scattered and lost for years will be time-consuming, and hard, but I am willing to try, and I know I have people in my life who are willing to help me and love me very step of the way, and I am so thankful God gave me them, and gave me the chance to know of His love and gospel. Despite hardship, trials, lows, and pain, life is so amazing, and I can't wait until the day when I hear God's voice again more regularly and clearly.
Praise You In This Storm
Casting
Crowns (P.S. I watched this video, and not all of the lyrics are correct, but I wrote out the lyrics with what they should say underneath this video, so please refer to that for correct lyrics.)
I've been noticing again in my life people arguing from different fronts on the subject of "accepting" gay marriage, particularly in regards to "active, faithful" members of the Church. The majority of the arguments have been people stating that they can claim full loyalty to God and the Church, and support gay marriage, and in some cases, get married to a same-sex partner themselves. With this, and knowing that it's still a big issue in the world today, I thought I would go through and give my thoughts on it.
First off, I want to point out that obviously I deal with same-sex attraction (I.O.W. , I'm gay), second I love all of God's children, and while I do so imperfectly, I'm constantly striving to do better, and last but not least, I am an active member of the LDS Church. I'm doing this post so I can make sure all my readers know my stance clearly so there is no question. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I have a testimony of the truth of the Church, the truth of the scriptures, particularly the Book of Mormon, and the truth that there is a God and that Christ is the Savior of the world.
As an expansion of my testimony, I believe all of Christ's teachings, and all of the teachings of His Church, and the words of the scriptures. I believe in the Church's teachings in regards to homosexual marriage, and I will stick to those morals. I believe in the Church's teachings on sexual relationships, and that they are meant only to be between husband and wife lawfully married, I believe in the law of chastity. I do not support gay marriage, nor will I ever. I know that Christ's true gospel is forever unchanging, and that if the Church is true, it cannot support gay marriage.
I also know that all people are children of our Heavenly Father, and that He loves everyone equally, and beyond measure or comprehension. I know that God expects me to love His children as close to the degree that He does as I can. I've realized that love is not the way the world portrays it. The world portrays love as having to sacrifice personal morals, accepting, even enabling someone's behavior and/or choices, and not ever expecting someone to change themselves or seek help. I've realized that the most true form of love you can show to someone is to encourage them to get to know their Father in Heaven, even if that means disagreeing outrightly with choices and actions they make.
It honestly hurts me to see people I know and love support and push for legalization of gay marriage. It communicates to me that they do not care enough about my relationship with God, my testimony of the Church, and the wellbeing of myself and my spiritual brothers and sisters. To me, it is like they are fighting against one of the most important missions in my life, to educate and be the difference. It's not just gay marriage either, it's immoral music, profanity, pornography, masturbation, and other addictions, anything that has greatly affected my life that I now fight against. I guess the persecution drives me even more, to see the corruption and lies spread by Satan, and to see it accepted so readily by society gives me and even stronger drive to fight and be the difference.
I know one argument in regards to legalization of gay marriage has been that the Church has changed it's stance on marriage before, so can't they change it again? The thing is that yes, God has instructed the church to alter marriage in the past as He saw it necessary. Yes, polygamy was practiced by the church for a time as God found it necessary. Polygamy was even practiced in the bible, so it's not like it's just the LDS Church. Polygamy is no longer practiced by the Church. Even with the changes in marriage, homosexuality was never ordained of God. The changes God made to marriage were still within the bonds of man and woman, heterosexual relationships.
Some may argue that polygamy meant many wives, so wouldn't that have some form of homosexuality? No, it did not. The polygamous families who followed God's commandments never broke the laws of chastity. Wives were not involved with each other, and the husband slept with one wife at a time. Point is, God ordained polygamy when it was necessary, but never has God ordained any homosexual marriage or sexual intimacy.
I don't have all the answers. I don't know all the mysteries of God. There are certain things that I deal with, and others deal with that I do not understand, nor understand God's exact purpose in allowing those struggles in people's lives. What I do know, however, is that God loves everyone. God gives us struggles to strengthen us if we choose to let it, and bring us closer to Him. God's laws are eternal. I know that gay marriage, and sexual intimacy in any relationship, save husband and wife lawfully married, is destructive, dangerous, and seen as sinful in God's eyes. I love my Heavenly Father, and I love my brothers and sisters and want the best for them.
I have learned through personal experience that living contrary to God's commandments may bring temporary happiness and fulfillment but in the end leave you dry and yearning for something more, having not experienced true joy, whereas living according to God's commandments, keeping Him in your life, though it will be challenging at times, will bring long-term, happiness, joy, and complete fulfillment. The true gospel of Christ is for everyone, young, old, white, black, heterosexual, homosexual, addict, sinner, saint, crippled, able, broken, whole, Christ performed the atonement for everyone, and turned no one away. Yet, while Christ loves and accepts all His children, He states "For I the Lord cannot look upon sin with the least degree of allowance;" (D&C 1:31). God has defined sin, has defined what draws us from Him, and when we are in the midst of sin, God cannot fully abide with us.
Even with the truth that God cannot look upon sin with the least degree of allowance, He follows up by saying "32. Nevertheless, he that repents and does the commandments of the Lord shall be forgiven; 33. And he that repents not, from him shall be taken even the light which he has received; for my spirit shall not always strive with man, saith the Lord of Hosts." (D&C 1:32-33). Christ performed the atonement because God knew we would all sin, we would all male mistakes, and because He cannot look upon sin with the least degree of allowance, He gave us the atonement so we could repent and so that He could make the difference for us when we fall short, it's just our responsibility to do our best, trust in Him, love Him and our fellow beings, and follow all of His commandments.
God is amazing, and I will follow Him to the end of my days even when the road gets hard. I will suffer persecutions if necessary, endure opposition, but I will stand for what I know regardless of the push of the world. God gives us commandments not to make us miserable, but because He knows what is best for us. It will not always be easy, but following Him will bring the greatest happiness and joy. Love you all!
I just barely had an experience that really made me think, and realize a piece of my testimony I didn't even realize I had. One of my neighbors came over to my house and was frantically knocking at my door. I opened the door, and she was crying. She asked me if I knew where her son was, and gave me the name of who her son was with and asked if I knew him. I didn't know where he was, nor did I know the boy he was with. She was terrified and frantic. Her son had been missing for hours, and she had no idea where he was. I offered her what help I could, wishing I could tell her what I was feeling.
See, the thing was that despite her complete fear and urgency, I felt calm. I don't just mean because he isn't my son, but because I knew things would work out in the end. I know from a promise I've been told multiple times that "No matter what happens, it will only be for our betterment." God would take care of him, no matter what happened, no matter how serious.
There are lots of people in the world who believe that if God really loved us, he wouldn't let bad things like abuse, torture, slavery, death, and pain happen to us and those we love. There are people who believe that God lets bad things happen to good people for one reason or another, or even that God causes bad things to happen to a good person. We ask "Why me?" when something awful happens in our lives, or "how could you do that to them?" when someone we love dearly is afflicted. I know I have had thoughts and feelings like that throughout my life, but now I have a different understanding.
God does not cause bad things to happen to good people, and there really isn't such thing as a bad person, just someone who has made bad choices. God puts trials in our lives, God lets us experience hardship to teach us, and help us grow. I look at all I went through in the past, the things I had no control over; the abuse, the pain, the death/loss, depression, etc. and the things I could've controlled; the addictions, the sins, the poor choices, etc. Those things could've totally destroyed me if I let them, and for a while, I was letting myself be destroyed from the hardships in my life. Now, however, I use the experiences God gave to me to build me up, and I am stronger, wiser, more courageous, more outspoken, more willing, more humble, better than I have ever been. God promised that whatever we go through in this life, so long as we endure it well and use our free agency to choose good, that it would only be for our betterment.
When the woman was at my house, I wanted to tell her that it would be ok, that no matter what happened, even if it was awful and tragic, that it would only be for the betterment of her and her son so long as they followed God's will. My mind raced through all the possibilities of where he could be, of what could have happened to him, of what I might see or hear on the news in a day or two, but I had an assurance in my mind that no matter what happened to him, it would only be for his betterment. Then I realized it wasn't just him I was thinking of, it was the voice telling me the same. "Mitchell, whatever happens to you, whatever has happened to you, no matter how hard, painful, destructive, or seemingly cruel and unnecessary, I promise you it was only for your betterment." Then I just felt peace.
As she left my house to go looking for her son again, I said a prayer for her. Her family is not LDS, nor is she, and I don't think they believe in God. I can only imagine how much harder that must've made it for her. In the prayer I said for her and her son, I asked that God would watch over them, and that regardless of what happened, everything would work out. And it did. He was found not long after I had prayed, and nothing had happened to him whatsoever. He was fine and safe. It reminded me again that God always hears and answers prayers for all His children.
I'm not trying to say that it's "ok" when bad things happen to us or those we love. I'm not saying we should just let bad things happen to us or those around us, and I'm definitely not saying we should seek out those things, what I am saying however is that when they do come, and we don't have control, we just have to let God guide. We have to let Him hold us in His arms and trust in His promise that whatever happens to us, so long as we endure it well and use our free agency to choose good, that it will only be for our betterment and those around us.
I have people in my life who I absolutely love who have endured the pains of abuse, death, betrayal, etc. and I see the pain it has caused them, and I mourn for their pain, particularly if they've let it destroy them rather than build. Sometimes I get upset with God, and say "How could you let that happen to someone as great as them? What could they have ever done to deserve that?" Then I have to remind myself that people go through trials to become stronger, if they choose, and that through their free agency can use those trials to bring them closer to God than they have ever been. I just have to remember that God has a reason for everything that happens, and that I do not have a perfect knowledge of why, nor does anyone else on this earth. All I can do is rely on my knowledge that, through the access of free agency, any bad thing that happens to someone can make them wiser, stronger, and closer to God, and for that I am thankful.
I am thankful that God loves me enough to cut me down. I am thankful that God loves all of His children enough to cut them down, knowing that it will be for their benefit. Trials in this life may be frequent, painful, and seemingly impossible to endure, but if we can but take the bitter with the sweet, we will gain the ability to come out on top, and be wiser, stronger, and closer to God than we have ever been. I have a testimony of this, and bare that testimony in the name of my Savior Jesus Christ, amen.
Today I came across perhaps the most empowering song I've ever heard while listening to a Christian station on Pandora. I have extremely powerful emotions towards music and the effect it can have on its listeners. My opinion on music might even match the impact my emotions towards SSA. Now before I start a tangent, I'll explain some more and then give you the song.
So my life and music have always been on extremes. For much of my youth, I honestly hated music. I hated all music. Before iPods and MP3's (yes, even though I'm 19, I remember those times) when it was all about stereos and boomboxes, I never even wanted one. I mean, I had no reason to have one. Even when iPods and MP3's started coming out, I never had a desire to get one, after-all I hated music at the time. Then me and music got a new relationship.
Just a while before starting middle-school I finally started opening up to music, and even started to love singing. I started out mainly listening to instrumental music, and much of it was world instrumental. I dabbled a little into vocal music, and that's where I developed a love for singing. This phase of only instrumental with a tiny bit of vocals only lasted about a year or so. After that, me and music took another twist.
I ended up diving in to vocal music, almost all at once, and listened to the music that was popular for kids (usually radio Disney which was still cool back then). It was another quick transition from that to something else too. I ended up getting an MP3 player, and dove into another extreme, and that was music that was popular at that time for teenagers and older. This was during the big rise in hip-hop, rap, and electronic-pop-dance music. This was a big change from what I had listened to previously.
As you can probably guess, my new relationship with music which led me to hip-hop and rap led me to find some pretty bad songs. This phase in my life lasted up until about 2 years ago, and lasted 4-5 years of my life. I was getting into music that was worse and worse. I started listening to awful songs, songs that would swear every-other word, songs that were extremely sexually explicit, and songs that were just evil and dark in nature. It wasn't long after this phase started that my life started spiralling out of control.
It got to the point where I had no morals about music anymore, and nothing phased me. It didn't matter how much profanity, sex, drugs, or evil was in a song, as long as I liked it, I listened to it. It started influencing me, even though I never really thought about it at the time. I would listen to that music when I was feeling low, and it would drive me lower, but somehow I loved it, or at least thought I did. Music was a deciding factor in my actions, and even my free agency and was a huge influence on me driving me further and further from God. In fact, now that I think about it, I really believe it was the music I listened to that drove me from the Church, and I don't even just think, I know it was a big part of it. The music I listened to destroyed me spiritually.
It wasn't until I got sent to inpatient treatment that I really had time to think about what I was doing in life, including the media I had decided to listen to and participate in. It was during my stay in treatment that I realized how deep music had pulled me, and how much it was destroying me inside. It's crazy to think I went from hating music, to loving it, and then getting into the worst music I could've found. Now you might think I'm talking about some kind of music you couldn't find listed on the home page of iTunes, but that's actually the exact music I'm talking about, or at least the artists. It was the "popular" music of the time that was my downfall. Lady Gaga, Kesha, Pitbull, Jesse McCartney, Katy Perry, etc. They, and so many other popular artists, were what destroyed me.
After my stay in inpatient treatment, I resolved to change the music I listened to. At first, I decided I'd get rid of all my songs that swore at what I considered "too often". After a month or so, I realized that wasn't enough. I still had these awful evil feelings and influences, so I decided to re-evaluate. I got rid of all songs I had that swore at all. Things got better, but after a month or two, I started to notice evil influences in my life still. I was still hitting lows because of music. I took another look into it.
This time I took out all my music that was sexually suggestive, any song that had innapropriate references, gone. Things improved a little, but still, evil influences, bad feelings, low points and sin. I re-evalutated again the music I listened to. This time, deciding to eliminate any music that contained indirect references to anything sexual. Again, more improvement, but a month later, still evil there. This time I decided I really needed to do something big. I needed to sacrifice something more for God if I was ever going to improve.
I did a huge evaluation of all the music I had. I decided this time that I wouldn't just eliminate individual songs, but if there was an artist who sung any song with any profanity, sexual reference, drug references, anything evil, then every single song from that artist went bye-bye, no matter how "positive" an individual song sung by them may have been. I decided to judge the music by emotion too. Any song that invoked anger or hate, gone. I used to listen to heavy rock, that was gone because it provoked anger and hate. I dropped entire genres. Rap and hip-hop, completely deleted, metal and heavy rock, completely gone. Needless to say, my music library was cut in more than just half. I had a fraction left of what I had had before.
It was not an easy process, getting rid of all that music, especially because I had spent money on it, and there was no way to return it. It was also hard to get rid of it, because did I like it? Yeah, it was fun to dance to and sing to, but the destruction it had heaped on me was so much worse than any "fun" that came from it, and the disobedience from God's law that it was compromised who I wanted to be. I was pretty much out of music to listen to, my library was tiny and I loved music but had little-to-nothing to listen to. This is when I came across a new kind of music; Christian.
Christian is now essentially all I listen to, and has been perhaps one of the biggest blessings God has given me. The evil influence, destruction, and corruption my previous playlist once caused me has been replaced by good, uplifting, and inspiring music always drawing me closer to God, and I still think there's room to improve, in fact after this post, I'm going to filter my music library yet again.
The process of change has not been easy. Some people may laugh at this because evil music has become so normal that it's funny to think someone tries to avoid it like pornography or drugs, but honestly I've had to treat music just like my addictions. I've had relapses on my bad music since I deleted it all. As amazing as the radio in my car is, and as amazing as Pandora has been in helping me find amazing Christian and LDS music, they've also both been extremely dangerous for me. I've had times where I've listened to evil music on the radio or Pandora since I deleted almost my entire music library.
This is the part people might laugh or smile on, but I've even caught myself justifying listening to songs that aren't in and of themselves evil, but by an artist who has a lot of really bad music, and even that influences me for evil, regardless of how "good" the individual song may be. Satan has literally tempted me to return to old music through so many different avenues, including factors that I can't control, and so I have to be constantly vigilant about what's going on around me to avoid the temptations that can cause me to go back to listening to bad artists or songs.
I have such powerful emotions towards music because I have been everywhere with music. I once hated all music, then I got into it and listened to strictly instrumental, then I got into lyrical, dove into popular music, delved into absolutely evil music, and made a slow and painful recovery climbing out of the dark hole and finding my way back to God by deleting my music library. I have such strong emotions because I see people being destroyed by music every day, even people in the Church who you would never suspect. People delving into music that seems "innocent" enough, but ultimately leads to worse things. Just like drugs have "gateway" drugs (lesser drugs that easily and almost always lead to worse drugs) I believe and know for a fact that there is also gateway music. I have a testimony of music for both sides, good and evil, and I know what an influence music can be.
I am a Child of God, and I will never sell my soul for the evil of this world. I honestly feel that music is something I would fight for. If I could go to war against evil music, even with a risk of losing my life, I honestly believe I would. If I knew I had a chance to change the world, to change music as it is, I would happily seize the opportunity.
I want to challenge every single person who reads this post to go look at the music you listen to, the movies you watch, the channels you turn to on the TV, the talk-shows or other media you watch or listen to, even the pictures you have on your walls and as the wallpaper on your electronic devices. Look at them, and honestly, 100% think about whether these bring you closer to God, closer to who you want to be, or whether they are doing the opposite. Think about the effects it may have on you even indirectly. I promise I never saw the full affects of music on me until I looked back on it and saw how destructive it really was.
I honestly desire that every single person who reads this post will re-evaluate their lives in every aspect, and really think about what things you're letting affect you, and whether you mean to let them affect you or not. It's amazing how such small things that may seem so insignificant can effect us in the biggest ways.
I almost want to end the post here, but I promised a song, and so I will post it and let you check it out. This song is what inspired this post. This song makes direct jabs at many popular artists of this day like Lady Gaga, Katy Perry, Kanye West, and Kesha. I love this song, I really do. I'll end the post with this, and I'll post the song and lyrics and highlight the lyrics that really stuck out and meant something to me. Don't let the media control your life, let God be your guide, not media be your dictator and deceiver. I love you all. I hope you all walk away from this with the ability to see the things that influence you, and that God will bless you with the ability to identify and remove the negative.
This world is, ra, ra
In a bad romance, going, ga, ga
You know we're
gettin' played
By the love game
And hypnotized by all the fame But
I believe we can't back down from the fight It's not okay with me to just be
silent Won't be silent, silent
No, we won't let them take
control We won't go with the flow We've got to stand together
It's
all plastic and I can't be a fake It's all static, every word that they
say We won't let them take control
Won't let them take control
Life
is short, baby, tik tok
Ain't got no time for your, blah, blah
(Nah, nah,
nah)
'Cause girl, we don't need
your drug
No, no, we don't what you're calling love
'Cause I believe
that you're either yes or no
You're hot or cold No teenage dream could
ever be worth your soul
Never worth your soul
Burn like a
fire
Shine like a diamond
See a flash when I smile
Brighter than
Kanye's
Comes to the heart
Gotta guard what we buyin' Can't you see
they all got you tryin' To fall in love with your stereo
So they
control what you think And everywhere you go But greater is He who lives
inside of we know He won't lose fight, that's right
This last Sunday, I endured one of the darkest experiences of my life, matched only by the lowest day of my life back when I was in inpatient treatment. Hiting such a low point emotionally, feeling absolutely hopeless and lost, I let myself go and allowed myself to be inhabitted by an evil spirit that was not my own. I will not go into detail of what I experienced that night, as I do not feel it is necessary, but I will say I felt dark, miserable, inhuman, and ultimately terrified.
In my darkest moment that night, God knew my needs, and my best friend called me. My best friend, out of concern and love, came to my house at 10:30 pm Sunday night to be with me and give me a blessing. I was able to overcome the evil in me as he was on his way over and went and spoke with my dad, telling him all that had happened. My dad just expressed love to me, and was totally willing to give me a blessing with my friend.
Once my friend arrived I had calmed down enough to be rational. As he and my father prepared to give me a blessing, I just let myself breathe and relax, and pray to God. The second my friend and my dads hands rested on my head, peace, warmth, and love rushed through me and before my dad even started the blessing, I began crying.
For the first time in months I felt God speaking to me. I listened to the blessing, and can remember bits and pieces, but the thing that stuck with me most was the feeling I had. For the first time in what seemed like forever, I could feel God holding me, I could hear Him speaking, and while I didn't know exactly what He said, I knew He loved me and was with me in that moment. Once the blessing was finished, I hugged my father and my friend crying, feeling God with me having just experienced one of the most spiritual moments of my life after hitting one of my deepest lows.
My friend spent some time with me that night before going home, and because he was a return missionary, I decided to ask him to teach me as a missionary would. During the deep depression I had hit last week, my testimony had shattered and scattered, and while I had some pieces in tact, I had lost a lot. I decided I wanted to start from "square one" again, beginning with being taught by a missionary (something I had never done before) and it has been so amazing.
I have a lot of work to do, and a lot of knowledge to regain, I have a relationship with God that needs rebuilding, and I need to learn to hear His voice and trust that He can speak to me. As hard as it will be, I want to feel how I felt during and after my blessing on Sunday every day of my life. I want to hear God speak to me, I want to want to do His will and stay forever true to Him. As hard as Sunday and the week before was, I will never forget how I felt when utter peace and comfort overcame me during that blessing, and when I felt God closer to me than I ever had prior to that moment.
Building back my testimony is going to be hard work. I'm not talking about my morals, those are still in tact, but the basis of my testimony needs strengthening and renewal, and I can never forget hearing God's voice, feeling His arms around me. Life is beautiful, it really is, and no matter how many times I get lost, it's beautiful to know I can always be found again.
I decided today I wanted to do a post on friendship, specifically male-male friendships. I've done posts like this before, but I've seen it hashed over other sites over and over, so I decided "Why not?". And better yet (for me anyways because it makes it easier) I chose 2 characters from my favorite movie series and book trilogy. So what does it mean to have a true friendship? I'm not talking about a "homie", a "bro", the guy you shake hands with and say "whatsup?" to but never spend time with, the guy you hang out with, but never talk about emotions with. I'm talking about real friendship. A friendship where you feel completely accepted and loved. Yes, loved. And here we are, my example; Frodo and Sam from The Lord of the Rings.
True friendship is emotional. It's not something on the surface. You can't be close to someone when your conversation never moves past "what's up?". If you can't express your true self to someone, you are oppressing a basic human need, one that everyone has, and that's the ability to express yourself. Guys are viewed as completely sexual beings. When you're with your "homie's" you're supposed to talk about girls, sports, "manly" things. You're not supposed to cry, you're not supposed to love each other, you're not ever supposed to say the word love, your supposed to be emotionless, otherwise, you're seen as weak, and often labeled as homosexual. The truth of the matter is homosexuality has nothing to do with the basic human need of emotional expression.
Frodo: I can't do this, Sam.
Sam: I know. It's all wrong. By rights we shouldn't even be here. But we are. It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something.
Frodo: What are we holding onto, Sam?
Sam: That there's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo... and it's worth fighting for.
I'm glad to be with you, Samwise Gamgee... here, at the end of all things.
Love, that being non-sexual love, is not strictly heterosexual. People need close relationships with the same-sex, close, emotional, bonding, true friendships. Look at the beginning of my life, I had no guy friend whatsoever, and the consequences for me emotionally were immense. There is nothing wrong, and nothing homosexual about hugging another guy, crying in the presence of another guy, expressing your heart, even loving one another in non-romantic ways. Even speaking of romance puts up walls for people. Romance has been skewed as well in the modern culture. Friendship can be intimate (of course not crossing the line of intimate sexually) and not be romantic at all. Example:
My best friends are ones I can be completely open with. My friends who will hug me, tell me they love me, and care about me. The real me, the emotional and spiritual me. It makes me so sad to know that there are millions of people out there affected by social "norms" stating that any emotionally binding relationship between members of the same sex is homosexual. I feel monumentally blessed to have friends who believe otherwise, and who're willing to challenge social norms to truly love me and care for me. Christ loves and cares for all of us, male and female, all the same. God loves all of us, male and female. They love us all truly, they love us for who we are. Social "norms" have never altered God's laws, and they never will. I choose Love. I choose happiness. I choose to have true friendships. I choose my own destiny.
There are things I'm good at, and things I'm not. That's true no matter who you are, we all have strengths and weaknesses. I just happened to realize some things I'm really good at, and things I fail at in these past couple days. Friendship, something that has always been a driving force in my life, is one of those things that I either do well in, or fail. At least, that's how it seems.
It's relatively easy for me to meet most people for the first time. I know what's expected in greeting people, I know how to try to get small-talk going, I can introduce myself, ask how they're doing, see what they do in life, but without further invitation or influencing factors, that's about as far as it goes. Then there's the people I actually create friendships, or at least relationships with...
I've noticed that it's a real rarity for me to find someone I can be my true self around. Looking back when I was in High School, there was a lot of people I was friends with that I thought I was being "myself" around, but in all honesty, I wasn't completely authentic. I was comfortable to be as weird and crazy as I wanted, but I wasn't my true self... The gospel, which is a huge part of how I define myself, wasn't something I felt comfortable talking to them with, at least to the degree and depth I would've wanted. I couldn't really share my struggles and get the understanding and support I wanted.
Then after High School I found friends who could understand. And just over the past half-year since that time, many of them have slowly dissolved out of my life. That's the thing, unless I feel very close to someone (which again, is very rare for me), I have a hard time keeping in contact with them. There have been people I hung out with once or twice, and just fell out of their life after that because I forgot or was busy or just didn't have motivation... Looking back on it now, it makes me feel selfish. Maybe I am, I don't know.
Then there's another thing. Even when I feel close to someone, I still struggle keeping the friendship/relationship strong. As I get closer to someone, my expectations rise, and when those expectations aren't met, I get hurt and close off. I have a hard time with long-distance relationships or with relationships where I don't get to see the person very often. For me, it's really hard to consider myself close to someone when I haven't seen them for a long time or ever really spent quality time with them.
And so all of this creates a big circle for me. First, I have a hard time finding someone I can truly feel close to, second, I can forget to stay in contact with people or not have a desire to be in their life, and third, even when I feel close to someone, I still struggle, and the friendship can still dissolve. Lots of stuff for me to think about...
It was while I was going through my old letters and possessions that I realized much of this. Reading letters and cards people had given me all the way from elementary until now made me realize how many people I've left behind. How many people I've had come and go in my life, many of the goings being on my part. It got me to thinking I'm like a big "recycler". Entering someone's life for a period of time, and then slowly dissappearing... There have even been friendships where I considered them a best friend and could never imagine not being their friend, and yet, now they're no longer in my life.
I know this post might seem negative. Maybe my blog isn't the best place to journalize my life ;) but these are realizations I've had about myself. Who knows, someone who reads this might be able to related and feel understood or receive some help or inspiration. That's why I blog anyway is that there may be a chance for my words/writings to touch the lives of others.
These realizations haven't even been all negative. They hurt, yes, and gave me a lot to work on, but at least it's making sense now. I had a friend who I was talking to today who gave me some much needed and amazing feedback: "Sometimes we help people for a certain time and that is that. We will have many people come in and out of our lives... It may be a very short time, and others might be a lifetime. Just be grateful that you were able to help them when you did have them in your life. God will put others in their life to help them if you can't be there. You can only do so much and God knows that. You miss people, but you also turn them over to God."
I really needed to hear that today, and that got me thinking even more. Part of my issue is that I try to be everyone's "Savior", in a sense. In no way am I comparing myself to Christ, but often times in my life I've wanted to help everyone. I wanted to be some amazing person who could take a bullet for someone, take a trial onto myself to relieve another, and just make people's lives better. I know I've impacted lives around me, some for good, some not so much. But no matter what i do, I can't fix, help, or save everyone. There's a limit, and a big on at that, to what I can do. Christ and God are the only ones that can do it, and they can do it perfectly. It hurts to think that I can't save the people I care about. It hurts to know I can't take away their pain, it hurts to know that I'm "inadequate" to reach my goal, as irrational and impossible as it is.
The best thing, and really only probable thing I can do is be there for people as much as is possible and healthy for them and me, but more importantly to help them turn to and find God in their lives. I'm no superman as much as I may want to be sometimes. I can't save everyone, in fact, alone I can't save anyone. I can't take hardships, pain, or trials from people, all I can do is support and love them in their journey and point them towards God and Christ.
My influence may not be what I want it to be, I'm not the "hero" of the world, nor will I ever be. But I can be my own hero if I let myself turn to God and if I let Him take care of me and those I love. I need to trust in Him more, and rely on His power rather than wishing I could do more than is humanly possible.
Sometimes life is crazy. My brain, for one, is pretty crazy ;) How it came up with the things it did/does I may never know, but at least I know I don't have to be everyone's hero. God can do that, all I have to do is my part, and try to help others come to God. My best.That's what I need to focus on, doing my best, not making my best better than it can be.
I may not be the hero, but I know Who is;
And with that, I'm going to pray now. Love you all!
This New Years Eve I was having a hard time emotionally. I was feeling disconnected socially, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. I guess you could say I was depressed. My depression now, when it hits, is so much less than it used to be, and for that I'm thankful. Anyway, back on subject. I was at a family/friend party when it all started to hit me. I just wanted to leave, yet here I was with 4 hours left until midnight, and 4 hours until I could go home. Lucky for me, my dad wasn't feeling well and decided to leave early. I went home with him.
When I got home I decided I was going to go on a walk. It was dark, it was cold (winter in Utah; snow, ice, cold....), and I wanted to "run away", so to speak, from my troubles and just have alone time to think. On my way out of the house, I called my best friend for help. Before I was even out of my neighborhood, he told me to get down on my knees and pray. I tried explaining the situation to him, that I was in the middle of my neighborhood and would feel really awkward kneeling down and praying in the middle of the sidewalk in front of all these houses. He said he didn't care, he wanted me to kneel down and pray anyway. I reluctantly agreed, knowing deep inside it was what I needed to do.
As I said goodbye to my friend before I knelt to pray, he told me he loved me and would pray for me too. By this time I had made it to the Sky-walk (what I call those bridges people walk on to cross busy streets above the cars.) I wasn't out of my neighborhood yet, and was still in view of quite a few houses, so slightly embarrassed and self-conscious, I knelt to pray. Kneeling on the cold hard cement, where I was vulnerable, visible, and desperate, I started to be humbled. I prayed to God, asked for help, thanked Him for all the blessings He had given me, and prayed for those I loved. As I stood up from that cold cement, I felt a weight lifted. It felt like the hurt and poison that was my negative emotions was slowly being removed from me.
I decided then that rather than go through with my original plan of walking/running far away hoping to get lost or hurt, I would instead run up, down, and across the skywalk. All the activity got me warm enough that I took off my jacket. I felt a desire now that I hadn't felt in some time. I wanted to pray, I wanted to talk to God, I wanted to hear Him, and have Him hear me. I knelt to pray multiple times on that Sky-walk. I was becoming more and more joyful. I started dancing and singing, in full view of the cars passing below and anyone in or around their houses in view of me, but I didn't care anymore. I didn't care if anyone saw me praying.
I kept running, dancing, singing, praying, until my lungs hurt from the cold. I felt elated, I felt so free, I'm sure I looked ridiculous to anyone who saw me, but I didn't and still don't care because I was close to God, and I've been without that for some time now.
It got me thinking though, even though I feel distant from God at times, how blessed I am that He loves me anyway and always wants me back. How blessed I am that my testimony runs deep enough that I don't question most aspects of it when I'm struggling. One thing that perpetrated my mind a lot in the past was the question "would me marrying a man really be that bad?" and now, it doesn't even phase me. Maybe I'm just jinxing myself, but I feel like I've had that question answered plainly. I know it's not what God wants for me, or any of His children, and so I don't support gay marriage. Even in my times of questioning, that subject isn't an issue for me anymore.
Even when I don't feel God's love, or at least don't allow myself to, I still know logically that He loves me. I've felt so blessed to have that knowledge and testimony. I feel so blessed to have taken what was once just belief, or just trusting in the testimony of others', and now to have it as my own real testimony.
The thing is that the legalization of gay marriage in Utah didn't affect my decision to avoid sexual or romantic homosexual relationships. All it did for me was make me sad, sad for the people who will fall now because of the influence and choices of others. Sad for the world, and the US which is failing and falling into darkness. This once great nation is being destroyed from the inside out. We are becoming evil and corrupt, and trust me, there's already a ton of that anyway. It saddens me, but doesn't affect my desire and conviction to serve God, and for this I am thankful.
It was with Frozen Skin, but a Melted Heart that I found God again, and for that I am thankful. May this New Year be prosperous for all, and may God bless and touch lives that they may turn to Him and follow Him in truth and righteousness.
There has been a lot I've learned these past few weeks. Things I've learned about myself, things I've learned about others, things I've learned about God and my relationship with him.
One things, which to a degree I knew before, but hadn't really had it hit me as hard as it did this week is that I accepted this life, knowing I would have trials, maybe even knowing I'd have these specific trials I face. I knew to a degree what I would potentially face, and I accepted it. I willingly came here because I followed God's plan in the pre-mortal life. I fought in the war in Heaven. I earned my place here on this earth.
I might just be all over the place in this post, so I apologize, but I want to delve into a topic that was brought up in this months' CES fireside with Brother Russell T. Osguthorpe. He had a lot of great things he talked about during the fireside, but for now I just want to focus on one specific thing he spoke about; agency. There was a lot he shared about agency, in fact it seemed to be the main topic of the fireside. One thing he said that particularly struck me, that we do have agency, we do have will. We can change our desires, our very nature, through the healing power of Christ. But I had questions rise after he said this. What did he mean? Did it apply to same-sex attraction as well? Could it really be changed? Should it?
As I sat there in deep thought, questioning what he meant, something clicked inside my brain. I've known and accepted for some time now that same-sex attraction is very likely something I will deal with for a long time, probably my entire life, but maybe.... maybe what he meant was a slow process. Not an all at once *boom* you're changed. Maybe not even a full change in this life, just a "lessening". I started thinking of it more from an addict point of view. That does not mean that I'm comparing same-sex attraction to an addiction. Let me try to explain...
I know heterosexual people (AKA "straight") who are sex addicts. They see a good looking person of the opposite sex, and almost immediately an unclean thought can pop into their head. Then they have to choose to dismiss the thought, or entertain it. I can see a good-looking guy (trust me, it happens), but I can choose not to objectify him. I can choose where I take my thoughts.
Going off that same topic, I've seen people, heterosexuals, feel a lessening in their attraction through the healing power of Christ and trusting in Him. Does that mean they aren't attracted to the opposite sex anymore? No. Does it mean their attractions just displace, and suddenly they're attracted to the same-sex? Definitely not. They still have attractions to the opposite sex, but their ability to cope, their wandering eyes and risky thoughts become less and less frequent, and when they do resurface, they're easier to conquer. It's like the scripture Ether 12:27 27 "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them." Maybe it's not a matter of losing the attraction, losing the addiction, losing the behaviors, whatever the trial may be; perhaps it's a matter of trusting in God and Christ to make that which is weak into a strength. I know that for me, my same-sex attraction has, in so many ways, gone from a huge weakness to a huge strength. A great blessing I am eternally thankful for. my same-sex attraction once caused me to question the worth of my life, caused me to question God's love for me, I questioned my worth to others. Now, however, I realize I am worth more than I could ever comprehend here on this earth. My same-sex attraction allows me to love and empathize with people in ways few people can. I am able to be humbled more so than I would be without it. I know my Savior in ways some people don't while here on this earth. What was once a curse, a weakness, is now a blessing, a weakness, that I rejoice in God for.
Does it come with hardship still? Sure! I have accepted that I cannot be with a man romantically if I desire true happiness, and sometimes that can be hard, though ultimately I am happier without romance with the same-sex. I still deal with rejection and exclusion. There are still people who do not understand and do not accept me or others like me. I deal with pressure from others, even members who claim to be "active and faithful" in the Gospel, to just live out life following my desires. To get with a guy. That's one thing that appalls me: people who claim to be active, faithful, God-fearing members, yet actively seek to lead people astray. That openly and actively oppose such an important teaching of the Church and God, the institution of the family. True love is not enabling, but pushing others in a loving and Christ-like manner to repentance and truth. But that's a topic for later. Point is, I still have struggles.
As a very wise Apostle once said: "Doubt your doubts, before you doubt your faith." -Dieter F. Uchtdorf
Ultimately I truly know God loves me. I know I have divine potential. I know I have worth. Christ's love is eternal, the atonement never ends. I truly love you all, and I know Christ loves you all perfectly. God bless you continually!
So much for me saying I wanted to blog about this the day after my last post "Update: This Crazy Week I've Lived". Well, the past few days have presented their own form of crazy. Lots going on, not enough time to get on the computer to type. So this is why I'm finally taking care of this post today. But lucky me, I got to go through some more experiences that better prepared me to do this post.
As stated in my last post, I've fallen for one of my best friends, and he has expressed that he shares those feelings towards me. It has been hard not to pursue a relationship with him because part of me wants that, to feel close and intimate with him beyond what a friendship can bring. There has also been a large part of me, however, that realizes that is not what I want spiritually, and it's definitely not what I want for him.
I was thinking the other day about what would happen if I were to pursue a relationship with him. He and I had both expressed a desire to be with each other beyond friendship, but if we were to take that path, what would it bring? Where would we both be later on if we made this decision? Would I actually be happy?
One of the biggest factors for me regarding my decision was my feelings for him. No, I don't just mean attraction or infatuation, I mean the actual love for him that I have, the part of me that sees him as a son of God, that sees the infinite potential he has, and that desires him to be happy and successful in every way. That part of me, that desire I have to see him reach the highest level of glory and happiness is what has driven my decisions. As good as it may feel to cross the line with him, either by pursuing relationship or by acting out, ultimately my desire to see both he and I reach the Celestial Kingdom is more important to me than mortal gratification.
I truly believe and support the teachings of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and I agree with their teachings on marriage and morality. It is because of this belief, because of the testimony and personal revelation I have received that I know the choices I'm making regarding my relationship with him is right. I have never felt the way I feel about him before, but it is because of that love that I am able to see his potential, and I am able to care about him spiritually rather than simply physically.
I'm not trying to say it has been easy, in fact it has been very hard. It's hard to resist temptations and desires which are so strong and real. We've gotten close to crossing the line, but were able to avoid making mistakes together. It's because of these situations that we've been able to look at our friendship and reevaluate. We've both been working on boundaries in our friendship to keep one another safe. We've reached compromises and been able to take our relationship, as full of temptation and passion as it can be, and make it more healthy and spiritually fulfilling.
It has been a process, and it's been hard. We are still working on it each day, and as painful as it can be sometimes, I've felt closer to God because of it. I've been able to open my eyes, my spiritual eyes, and see my friend as the son of God that he really is, and be able to care for him far beyond just physical and mortal matters.
One question, concern, (whatever you'd like to call it), that has been brought up to me, and I'm sure will continue to be brought up, is why I don't just pursue a relationship with him. Why not give in? If you both love each other, is it really wrong? Who's to say the Church is correct in it's teachings? Why would God give you feelings for each other if it's wrong? And all sorts of things like that.
My answer to all of those is that I know what is right and wrong, I have a testimony that I cannot deny, I believe in what the Church teaches, and I love my friend far more than just as an object or life-long partner. I couldn't enter a relationship with him knowing the consequences that will follow in the coming life for both of us. I just couldn't bring myself to harm him or myself like that.
But Mitchell, if a relationship with him would bring you happiness (which to a degree, it would), why not just go for it? My answer to this question is that I have felt more love, more happiness, more fulfillment and belonging, more understanding and hope when I'm feeling the spirit, when I'm close to God, when I'm doing what I know God wants me to, when I receive a blessing, when I go to the temple, etc. than I have ever felt "fulfilling" my attractions towards the same-sex by acting out or even just considering a relationship. Even though I admittedly struggle with my spirituality at times, as I'm sure everyone does, I also know what it feels like when I am close to God, when I have those spiritual experiences. And I would not trade those for anything. I've received more fulfillment and happiness from God and living His commandments than anything this world could give me.
I love you all! Storms may arise, in fact storms will arise, challenges will present themselves, doubt and fear may sink in, conflicting emotions and ideas may arise, but so long as I stick to what I know and believe, I will be ok, I will feel love and comfort in the Savior's arms.
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