Hold to the Iron Rod

In Lehi's vision in 1 Nephi 8, there is an iron rod along a strait and narrow path that leads to the tree of life. Along the path there is a river, and on the other side of the river there is a great and spacious building. The iron rod is enshrouded in a mist of darkness. Lehi sees individuals who lose their way in the mist of darkness. Some of them drown in the river, and some of them make it to the great and spacious building. Others, who hold tight to the iron rod, make it through the mist of darkness and reach the tree of life. Those in the great and spacious building point fingers and mock and scorn those partaking of the fruit of the tree of life. Some who have partaken of the fruit feel ashamed due to the mocking and scorn, and fall away and are lost. 

Lehi's Dream, by Greg Olsen

Just yesterday, a prominent voice in the gay Mormon community announced a significant change in their life and testimony. This individual was in a mixed-orientation marriage (meaning a marriage where spouses have different sexual orientations, such as a gay man married to a straight woman) that they decided to end. This normally wouldn't be much of an issue to me, aside from feeling genuinely sorry for them and those that their decision will affect. However, in the process of them announcing their decision for divorce, they also made very generalized and erroneous claims, and accused the church's stance on LGBT issues of literally killing people. 

In their post, they claimed that because their marriage failed, all other mixed-orientation marriages were doomed to fail. That’s simply a logical fallacy. It would be like me claiming that, as a native English speaker, because I failed a Spanish class in high school, that everyone else who is a native English speaker will also fail that same class. I feel this claim is particularly assumptive as I know people within the gay Mormon community who have happy and loving mixed-orientation marriages. I also feel it’s dangerous and unnecessarily damaging to potential marriages in the future. For example, while I don’t currently see marriage being an option for me, if one day I honestly fall in love with a woman and want to marry, if she were to do a Google search about marrying a gay Mormon man, and she happened upon that post, would she reconsider or have serious doubts that would change her mind about potentially marrying me?

The individual who wrote the post has a very large following, and is well-known and quite influential. For this reason, I honestly fear for those who may be negatively affected or led astray due to this individual’s choice and decision to turn against the church. And it’s not just those who are LGBT members of the church. I have already seen others who have been influenced and swayed by this post, and by other factors. Members who I wish were my allies, who I wish supported me and believed the doctrines of the church they are members of, turning against the church because of the scorn and mocking from the great and spacious building.

It seems that when someone falls away from the iron rod, they have a good chance of taking others down with them. Especially when this is someone with influence and a large following. It makes it particularly damaging and confusing when they pull others away in the confusion of large issues such as LGBT matters. There are so many opposing voices on this topic, so many black and whites, so many shades of grey, that it can honestly be hard sometimes to decipher what is true and what is not. And that’s part of what makes this such a powerful topic, both for good and evil. I have found incredible strength in my testimony by pushing through the difficulties that come along with being a faithful member of the church while also being attracted to the same sex. And there are definitely difficulties. And then there are others who have been lost in the mists of darkness due to the complexities and difficulties surrounding this issue.

I will be honest, sometimes it is difficult to not occasionally feel ashamed or confused when the voices from the great and spacious building are so loud and disparaging. Sometimes I do wonder if it would be easier or better to just go join the masses. But then I remember why I’m here. Why I keep going. Why I am pushing forward despite the difficulty and pain that I go through. I keep going because I have a testimony of Jesus Christ and His gospel. I’m here because I have worth that I can’t comprehend, and potential that I can’t currently realize. I’m pushing forward because I have a brother who loved me enough to pay for my sins, and die for me that I can live again. I’m here because I have a Heavenly Father who created this world, and put forth a plan wherein I can return to be with Him and with those that I love for eternity. I’m going on because God is loving, God is just, and God is merciful.

Being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints can honestly be incredibly difficult sometimes. I get lost in the complexities of life, and recently I’ve been realizing that it can be really good to return to the small and simple things. There’s a song that I like called “I Wanna Go Back” by David Dunn that has really touched me recently. Part of the lyrics are “I wanna go back to Jesus loves me this I know for the Bible tells me so. I wanna go back to this little light gonna let it shine. I wanna go back.” I have been so lost in some of the complexities that I’ve been forgetting some of the simple things. Forgetting that Jesus loves me, forgetting to pray and read the scriptures, forgetting why I have a testimony. But recently I’ve been going back. Going back to believing that Jesus loves me, and there is a plan for me. And that’s what matters.

            If you’re holding on to the iron rod, don’t let go. Those in the great and spacious building will continue to scoff, mock, and scorn. Difficulties will arise, things will be tough. But hold on. I believe that Jesus loves me. I believe that I have a place in the gospel. I believe that I can live a full life following the doctrine of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. And I believe that God’s plan is possible for all of His children, that He loves all of them, and that there is a way back through Christ’s atonement. And I will keep holding to the iron rod and I'll press forward with faith.

Feeling Alone

                One of the things I deal with in my life that I wish more than almost anything to go away or be different is feelings of loneliness, emptiness, confusion, and depression. I went on a vacation with my family over the weekend, and had a lot of laughs, fun, and made memories. I honestly had a good time for most of it. But on that same vacation, I experienced overwhelming and consuming feelings of loneliness, isolation, depression, hopelessness, and emptiness. And sometimes those feelings would follow directly after a positive experience, and seemingly for no justifiable reason at all.

                Feeling depressed or lonely in these moments that I believe I should be feeling the opposite (loved, connected, and happy), actually made those feelings worse as it took them from just being loneliness or depression, and suddenly carried a feeling of shame because I felt like I must not love my family enough to have a good time around them. I must not be a good enough son, brother, or grandson if I’m not happy when I’m with family. Sometimes I feel safest physically isolating myself by going into a room and closing the door because then I feel that I have a justifiable (even if self-inflicted) reason to be lonely. And somehow, even though I am then literally alone, it seems better to feel alone in that situation than to experience shame by feeling alone around those I believe I should feel most connected to.

                Another difficulty that leads to even further self-inflicted isolation is I feel the need to police my own words and actions. I listen to my sisters, mom, and grandmother comment on how good looking certain guys are that we see on our vacation, and sometimes I agree, and while my sister can enthusiastically express how cute a guy was, I constantly feel the need to suppress and completely bar any similar expression from my own mouth. For me, it’s a fear of the potential perceived sexual intent behind any such expression…Because of my insecurity about views of culture, or even about how my family would react if I did express such feelings, I just bury it deep inside. And sometimes it’s honestly suffocating. Yes, there are many things to talk about beyond attractive people… But feeling like I can never talk about it at all is suffocating. I don’t blame my family for it. Even if my family were to assure me that such expressions are fine, I would still monitor and filter everything I said, and would probably feel uncomfortable about it anyway.

                I look at my friendships, and feel shame there, too… For so much of my life I would cry any time I finished watching the Lord of the Rings. I wanted so deeply to have a friendship as deep and trusting as what I saw expressed in film between Frodo and Sam. And right now in my life, I honestly feel like I do. Sure, the relationship between Frodo and Sam in film could be considered a highlight reel. There’s so much you don’t actually see. And that’s why I feel like I have that relationship now. It’s not perfect, but I feel honestly cared about and loved in that relationship, in many of the ways I yearned for from watching those movies. Yet the same shame I feel around my family carries over to my friendships, too. Being with my friends, I still have times where I feel totally alone. I still have times where I feel like I need to carefully monitor and filter anything that I do or say. Even with my best friend, who I feel the most comfortable with and loved around, I still have times of being with him and feeling alone, depressed, or fearful for what he may think of me.

                Then I look at my other relationships and feel bad… I want and need other relationships. Yet I struggle so much to keep them alive. Setting up time to spend with friends leads me to experience really overwhelming anxiety, even though when I finally make it happen, I usually have a really good time. And there are times with my other friends where, while with them, I feel alone, depressed, or like I need to police my words and actions.

                When I go to church, I usually sit alone. It’s usually because that’s when I feel safest. Does it leave me feeling alone? Yes. But sitting alone seems far less stressful. And even though I’m really not doing much of anything when I’m sitting alone, I feel more authentic to myself by doing so than by sitting next to someone purposefully and then feeling like I need to nit-pick everything that I say. When someone does sit next to me and talks to me, or even when I push myself and decide to sit next to someone, I usually feel good about it. I often leave the interaction with a positive outcome. At least temporarily. But even after an interaction has concluded, I spend so much time dissecting every little thing I said, and trying to determine what that person took away from the conversation and what they think of me. 

                Before I get too off topic, I want to point out that I really did have a good time on the vacation with my family... I really did feel loved and connected. But during that same vacation, I had moments of feeling alone, depressed, and lost. And I guess that's what I'm trying to write about. That I can have a great time, even a great time for the majority of a certain event, but even at the highest moments of happiness and fun in my life, I can also feel those deep negative emotions, and I feel that I carry a lot of shame and confusion about it, and I fear to really be open and talk about it, especially in the moment with the people I am with.

                I really don’t know what the answer is at this point. I just felt like I needed to write. Honestly sometimes I really don’t feel like I even know who the real authentic ‘me’ is. I feel like there are so many sides to me, but I don’t know how to acknowledge them… are they fully independent parts of me? Are they independent parts that come together to make a whole? Are they just feelings that come and go, but don’t define ‘me’? Or maybe each one is ‘me’ and aren’t separate at all? I don’t know. I don’t even know that that makes sense.

                I value those that I have deep relationships with. Unfortunately or fortunately, depending on your point of view, I feel comfortable being the most authentic with those I truly trust… and sometimes that includes the negative side of me that I usually try to keep hidden and suppressed.

                I believe in God, I believe in the church. I know, at least in that area, how I want to live my life. But there are so many areas of my identity that I feel like aren’t set out clearly in my mind and lifestyle. I’m still trying to figure out how to be me. How to authentically interact with those around me, and what ‘authentic’ in those circumstances really means… because I think there’s a difference between conduct that is appropriate and conduct that is not… but I’m not sure where those lines and authenticity meet.

                I have a lot of decisions before me right now… I’m at a big crossroads with my current job. I can either keep my current position, with some tweaks in the hours I work, or I can move up higher, accept a lot more responsibility, and there would be risk involved, but the potential benefits would be higher. I’m working on my spirituality again. It’s been a long time since I’ve read scriptures consistently, but ever since conference I’ve read at least one chapter from the Book of Mormon each night. I don’t know… life is confusing and stressful.

                I’ll keep moving forward. I have a lot to figure out. Life keeps going, even if sometimes I wish it would slow down. Maybe one day I’ll learn how to best deal with loneliness, depression, and anxiety, and learn to be authentic to myself.