I Love You...

     So much for me saying I wanted to blog about this the day after my last post "Update: This Crazy Week I've Lived". Well, the past few days have presented their own form of crazy. Lots going on, not enough time to get on the computer to type. So this is why I'm finally taking care of this post today. But lucky me, I got to go through some more experiences that better prepared me to do this post.
     As stated in my last post, I've fallen for one of my best friends, and he has expressed that he shares those feelings towards me. It has been hard not to pursue a relationship with him because part of me wants that, to feel close and intimate with him beyond what a friendship can bring. There has also been a large part of me, however, that realizes that is not what I want spiritually, and it's definitely not what I want for him.
     I was thinking the other day about what would happen if I were to pursue a relationship with him. He and I had both expressed a desire to be with each other beyond friendship, but if we were to take that path, what would it bring? Where would we both be later on if we made this decision? Would I actually be happy?
     One of the biggest factors for me regarding my decision was my feelings for him. No, I don't just mean attraction or infatuation, I mean the actual love for him that I have, the part of me that sees him as a son of God, that sees the infinite potential he has, and that desires him to be happy and successful in every way. That part of me, that desire I have to see him reach the highest level of glory and happiness is what has driven my decisions. As good as it may feel to cross the line with him, either by pursuing relationship or by acting out, ultimately my desire to see both he and I reach the Celestial Kingdom is more important to me than mortal gratification.
     I truly believe and support the teachings of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and I agree with their teachings on marriage and morality. It is because of this belief, because of the testimony and personal revelation I have received that I know the choices I'm making regarding my relationship with him is right. I have never felt the way I feel about him before, but it is because of that love that I am able to see his potential, and I am able to care about him spiritually rather than simply physically.



     I'm not trying to say it has been easy, in fact it has been very hard. It's hard to resist temptations and desires which are so strong and real. We've gotten close to crossing the line, but were able to avoid making mistakes together. It's because of these situations that we've been able to look at our friendship and reevaluate. We've both been working on boundaries in our friendship to keep one another safe. We've reached compromises and been able to take our relationship, as full of temptation and passion as it can be, and make it more healthy and spiritually fulfilling.
    It has been a process, and it's been hard. We are still working on it each day, and as painful as it can be sometimes, I've felt closer to God because of it. I've been able to open my eyes, my spiritual eyes, and see my friend as the son of God that he really is, and be able to care for him far beyond just physical and mortal matters.
    One question, concern, (whatever you'd like to call it), that has been brought up to me, and I'm sure will continue to be brought up, is why I don't just pursue a relationship with him. Why not give in? If you both love each other, is it really wrong? Who's to say the Church is correct in it's teachings? Why would God give you feelings for each other if it's wrong? And all sorts of things like that.
     My answer to all of those is that I know what is right and wrong, I have a testimony that I cannot deny, I believe in what the Church teaches, and I love my friend far more than just as an object or life-long partner. I couldn't enter a relationship with him knowing the consequences that will follow in the coming life for both of us. I just couldn't bring myself to harm him or myself like that.
     But Mitchell, if a relationship with him would bring you happiness (which to a degree, it would), why not just go for it? My answer to this question is that I have felt more love, more happiness, more fulfillment and belonging, more understanding and hope when I'm feeling the spirit, when I'm close to God, when I'm doing what I know God wants me to, when I receive a blessing, when I go to the temple, etc. than I have ever felt "fulfilling" my attractions towards the same-sex by acting out or even just considering a relationship. Even though I admittedly struggle with my spirituality at times, as I'm sure everyone does, I also know what it feels like when I am close to God, when I have those spiritual experiences. And I would not trade those for anything. I've received more fulfillment and happiness from God and living His commandments than anything this world could give me.



 

     I love you all! Storms may arise, in fact storms will arise, challenges will present themselves, doubt and fear may sink in, conflicting emotions and ideas may arise, but so long as I stick to what I know and believe, I will be ok, I will feel love and comfort in the Savior's arms.