The Reason

     Sometimes in life, I find myself wishing I had something more than I currently have, without realizing what I've wanted for years and years of my life is right in front of me. God has blessed me with an amazing best friend and an amazing family. I am loved and supported beyond what I can even believe. There are so many people pulling for me, even some people I hardly know at all, or simply don't know at all. It's funny when I catch myself looking at what I have or what I don't have, and wishing certain things were different when I have more than I even deserve.
     Funny how I'm getting a calling in my YSA ward and am nervous to take it and not too excited for it, yet just the month before and up until the day I was informed I wanted a calling, I wanted something to help me feel included. Then, here I am getting asked to accept a calling, and of course saying yes, but feeling inadequate and partially wishing I hadn't been asked, but still excited and hopeful. It's definitely going to get me more involved, which could honestly be a very good thing. And you know what? Now that I write about it, and think about my emotions, I am excited for it! Stressed, yes, scared, definitely, worried, for sure, but still hopeful and excited. Life, am I right?
     I've had so many things thrown my way this past week in emails and other things, people expressing their opinion regarding the Church's standards and morals, and what they think they "should" be. It brought me to think of a talk that was given in sacrament meeting last Sunday where the speaker mentioned pride in correlation to God. When we are prideful, puffed up, stubborn, etc. we often believe that our will tops that of anyone else, including God. That our opinion is more right, more correct, better, even more righteous than another's opinion (even God sometimes).
     I know I've been prideful like that before, I even catch myself now sometimes, but one thing that stuck out to me was the fact that when we are being prideful, we're essentially telling God "Oh, I'm smarter than you God, my will is more correct than yours, I know more than you." If we look at the morals God has put in place and believe they are incorrect (which I myself am guilty of at times) we are going against God Himself, not "the Church", not the prophet, not our bishop or leaders. God's morals do not hinge on the leadership of the Church, they are solely from God, and Church leaders are merely instruments and guides in His hands.
     Watch me bring this up again..... Yep.... Here it comes. Gay marriage. I'm part of North Star which is a support group for those who are LDS and experience SSA. Recently I've seen so many people stating that they don't agree with the Church's stance on gay marriage, the family, etc. That they don't believe the Church has any right to have jurisdiction over it. But then it comes down to the core, is it really "the Church" that they're disagreeing with? Or ultimately is it God who they're disagreeing with and calling wrong, saying that they know better than Him? Hey, I'll admit it, I'm imperfect and have been prideful before and put my beliefs above God's. I'm not proud of that, but I'll admit it. It just saddens me to see people so blinded by pride as I once was and turning against God, misplacing their conflicts of belief on the Church rather than realizing it's God's law they disagree with, not exclusively "the Church".
     God is eternal, His laws are eternal, and do not hinge on social norms, moral changes in society, or anything regarding human beliefs or traditions. Maybe someday everyone will understand that, and maybe someday I'll fully understand it too, I'm definitely imperfect.
     Topic change *whoosh* ;) So my 12-step addiction recovery group I go to every Sunday and have been attending for over a year and a half just keeps getting better and better. My 12-step group is mainly for porn and masturbation addictions, but we have group members there who deal with other addictions as well, and I share about my SSA and self-harming in that group as well. I'm the only one (as far as I know) in that group who experiences SSA (with the exception of one who no longer attends) and yet I have found so much acceptance, love, and patience from my fellow group members. It's amazing how God works miracles through people regardless of differences in trials and experiences.



     So this post was probably a bunch of super random paragraphs that were all over the place, but life is definitely good. God loves me, and I'm doing better at loving Him as I should, and accepting His love for me. I'm learning to better control my emotions, and be closer to God. Life is great, isn't it?