Crumbling

     I think it's safe to say that this has been one of the most challenging weeks of my life. And not even in the way challenging is usually defined for me. The times I most often struggle, or at least what I struggle with are my spirituality, struggles with addiction, relapses, depression, relationship issues, etc. Those have definitely been present this week, but they weren't the forefront.
     Work sent me spinning in all different directions. It was like everything there turned against me. One day, my work phone breaks, I'm not able to make or receive the phone calls I need, the next day my computer is having major issues, and I can't do what I need to, then I didn't even have access to the systems I needed to do the work my managers were requesting of me, and I.T. was taking their time to get those installed for me. Then, once I finally got everything fixed and working as close to good as I could and once I start making progress with the job I've been assigned, my managers decide to throw me a curve ball, and have me start doing work I've never been trained to do, on a system they don't even know how to use, and a type of work that's time consuming and makes it hard to reach the #'s I'm expected to reach.
     Then I realize my medication I'm on for depression isn't even working anymore. My moods have been everywhere, and I do mean everywhere. Even my best friend and family have observed that I can be super happy one moment, and as quick as 5 seconds later, become the complete opposite, depressed, sad, and angry within a time period as short as a few seconds. Now I'm having to consider my options. Maybe I need to get on mood stabilizers, maybe consider changing my diet. I don't know.
      Then there's been my relationships. Trying to balance everything has not been easy, and it's definitely taking a toll in my friendships and relationships. Even just last night I was out to dinner with my family, and my mood had plummeted low enough that I literally felt weighted down. My mood was so low that I almost felt like I could cut the air around me with a knife because it was so thick. My throat felt tight, and everything just seemed quiet. I know my family could tell, and I know my mood was affecting them. I ended up asking to be excused to see if I could step outside for a while to make a phone call to a friend and try to lighten the circumstances.
     I've seen behaviors resurface in my friendships now that I thought I had buried some time ago. Insecurity being one of them. Never knowing if I'm good enough, and always asking for reassurance. It's not something I'm proud of at all, though I am insecure in things, it has pained me to ask for compliments. I think ultimately it comes down to me being secure enough about myself, and keeping in the forefront of my mind at all times that God loves me, and that I love Him. Then there's this deeply rooted habit I have of seeing the negative so readily, seeing the things that could be better, but then having such a hard time seeing and truly appreciating the things that are already good.
     In short, my week has been far crazier than I wished. I've fallen into dark spots, been on some highs, and some very deep lows, and been moving between emotions far faster than I would like. But, as hard as life can be, and as hard as it can be at times for me to see the positive when the negative seems to be under a spotlight and magnifying glass, there has been positive.

     I have amazing friends, and amazing people in my life who love me and support me. I have a knowledge of where I came from, a knowledge of where I am, and a knowledge of where I can be. I have the ability to speak with my Father in Heaven, and have Him speak back to me. I have a best friend who loves me, and forgives me more than I ever have, and spends time with me making life much more bare-able. I have the blessing of a full-time job, as stressful as it may be. I have the blessing of the gospel in my life. I have the blessing to have a ward I can attend where, though imperfect, I can feel loved and learn of God.
     I don't know where I'd be in life if it wasn't for everything I've been through. If I didn't deal with SSA, I wouldn't have the friends I have now because I never would have met them. I never would've started this blog, or been part of the Voices of Hope Project. I wouldn't have the patience, love, courage, understanding, ability to love and empathize with people that I have. I would never have grown as close to God as I have. Much of this applies to all my struggles, addictions, depression, stress, every-day struggles. If I look back on my life, where would I be without them? God gave them to me not because He wanted me to suffer. God doesn't want anyone to suffer. He gives us trials, or at least lets us be tried because He knows that ultimately it will be for our betterment. Ultimately it will get us where we need to be if we learn to follow Him. Ultimately we will become our full potential through the lessons we learn.
     I guess I need to keep that in mind, life might be hard, but where would I be if it wasn't? I am loved, everyone is loved whether you feel like it or not. I can be forgiven. Life might be crazy, but everything will work out eventually. There will be pain, misery, suffering, and mistakes in life, but there will also be growth, joy and happiness, praise, thanksgiving, fun, enjoyment, and love. Life is full of many things, and is something that should be treasured as life itself is one of the greatest gifts from God.