"Pride" Month

     So, this post is going to have a lot of opinions in it. Ready? Let's go.

     Facebook has taught me something recently that I didn't know about before. I guess June is "pride" month. Since when was that the case? And who decided to make it so? It's beyond me, and I really don't care to look it up.

     One of the first questions that came to mind when I read this is "why on earth is a whole month dedicated to pride?". Because, let's be honest here. My strong feelings of dislike for the entire idea of a pride month aside, how many months are there in a year? Oh, well there's 12. Okay. So every year contains 12 months. Gotcha. Well, whoever decided to make June pride month (and what gives them the right to do so anyway?) dedicated 1/12 or 8.3% of the entire year to celebrating "pride". And as far as I know, it's every year.

     I want to talk to whoever decided to make June "pride" month, because if we're dedicating months now, I want a Latter-day Saint month, a month for being Caucasian, Asian, Hispanic, etc. (since they already have a month dedicated to being African American), a month dedicated to unicorns, a month dedicated to electricity, a month dedicated to lazy people, etc. Oh wait, but wouldn't we run out of months to dedicate? My thoughts exactly... And why choose "pride" above the other alternatives? What if it makes me feel "oppressed" and "discriminated against" for the US to not have a month dedicated to being a faithful member of the LDS Church while dealing with a variety of challenges? Oh wait... probably because I'm not your desired minority. Catering to my needs doesn't help you get elected or retain power, and doesn't make you seem politically correct. Gotcha. Some minorities are more important than others. I'll keep that in mind.

    My random soap box aside, I have some honest concerns and opinions relating to some of the things I have seen on Facebook and elsewhere regarding this "Pride" month. I'm a member of some groups on Facebook of people who reside somewhere on the spectrum of being LDS and same-sex attracted simultaneously. And in most cases, these people are trying to remain faithful. Some of the posts I've seen from these people recently have touched upon "pride" month, and they've talked about their feelings, plans, confusions, and questions relating to it. One common thing I've seen in these posts is a split conscience on whether or not to participate in "pride" month, and whether or not to celebrate. And it hasn't even just been those who are same-sex attracted posting this stuff. People through my normal Facebook feed, who are heterosexual and overall faithful Church members have expressed questions and split consciences.

     Maybe I'm just insensitive, but I really don't get where the confusion or split feelings come in. In my mind, it's either do or don't. I've been called an extremist before, but to me, if you're a believing member of the Church, there should be no question of whether or not you'll participate in "pride" month. In my mind, the answer should be a resounding "no". Why should you? What good would that bring? If I saw someone at a gay pride parade or event who wasn't protesting, my instant thought would be that they support gay marriage. Maybe that makes me judgmental, but lets be honest here. You'd have to be a pretty fantastical person to honestly be able to say that wouldn't be your reaction to any number of situations. What I'm trying to say is, if you don't support gay marriage, or at the very least don't believe it's what will bring you closer to God, why would you go to a gay pride parade or event?

     I've just honestly been perplexed by the whole thing... Yes, everyone is different, and my brain works differently than everyone else, and it's a good thing that there's diversity. But it still perplexes me that people think they need to celebrate pride month in some way even if they oppose gay marriage, or at least strive to live the teachings of God.

     Is it just insecurity? Are people so afraid of being seen as mean, hateful, hypocritical, bigots, out-of-touch, old, immature, etc. that they are willing to bend over backwards to appear politically and culturally correct? And if insecurity is present, what's allowing it to be there in the first place?

     One thing that's been a pretty consistent theme in the posts I've seen is the fear that by not supporting/celebrating pride month, you're making the LDS Church seem unloving, or you are not personally being as loving as Christ. There are sides to this argument I understand and agree with, and sides I don't. I get the walking on egg shells that often happens when you try to balance and talk about Christ-like love. But here's my two-cents on the whole thing. The LDS Church has some work to do culturally (not doctrinally) on learning to love and accept everyone. There have been times where I have not felt accepted in my congregation, and I'm someone who does my best to follow church doctrine. I get that the church has work to do to become more loving and understanding. But I'll tell you right now, I do not think the answer is to wear rainbow pins to church, march in pride parades, hold hands with a member of the same-sex, not out of love/friendship, but to prove a point at church, etc. In fact, if you want to make me really feel uncomfortable and unwelcome around you, wear a pride pin to church.

     See, my big issue with wanting to prove your point while at church is that in the gospel, we believe and preach that we are all equal to God. Yes, some people need special attention and comfort at certain times, but wearing a pride pin is essentially isolating the majority in favor of the minority (a minority that is generally not very fond of the church), and is not consistent with the belief that we are all equal before God.

     And you know what else? Celebrating pride month, if you're a faithful member, is essentially discounting my pains, my sacrifices, my contributions, my struggles, etc. that come from being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints who is same-sex attracted, yet actually decides to remain faithful. Because what you're communicating to me is that my hard work, my sweat and tears, isn't even noteworthy. Because it's more important to cater to and support people who have turned their back on the church. My life is not easy. I know that the lives of others who have made the same choice to remain faithful as I have do not have a cake-walk through life. We need your support too. And unlike many on the other side of the fence, we're trying, wanting, and sometimes actively advocating for the same beliefs that you hold dear. Recognize my contributions. Fight for me, and people like me. We need your support.

     I feel like this post is long.

     Honestly, I think it's fantastic that members of the church are trying to find ways to reach out and be more loving. But I don't think the approach of those I've seen on Facebook is the way to go... You don't need to jump off the cliff to help someone who has fallen. People within the LGBT community need to be loved and treated with respect, whether they're LDS or not. Don't misunderstand. But I think culturally the church first needs to focus on members who are trying to remain faithful, but may be struggling. Instead of using your limited personal understanding of same-sex attraction (assuming you're heterosexual), why not ask someone who's faithful to the church that's also same-sex attracted what it's like to be them? Ask them what you can do to help lighten their burdens. Ask them how you can be a friend, and how you can serve them. Look up conference talks that talk about the subject. Pray, ponder, read scriptures and ask God for answers to your questions about how best to help. Perhaps in doing so, we can better learn to truly love those outside of our faith, and learn how to share the gospel with them in a loving and appropriate way. Let's get to that point, and move onward from there.

     I know that God loves all of His children. I have a testimony of the church and of Christ's restored gospel. I have a testimony of the priesthood. I have a testimony of the power that comes from loving and serving others. I have a testimony that the doctrines of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints are true, and even thought I'm imperfect and struggle and sin, I know that following God's commandments to the best of my ability will bring me the greatest happiness.

    

The Broken Wire

     This April, I had a lot going on...

     Early in the month I found out that I have borderline personality disorder. This came as somewhat of a shock, honestly. I mean in reality, when I first found out, I didn't even know what borderline was. I've struggled emotionally, socially, and mentally in certain ways most of my life, but I've only ever been officially diagnosed with depression and anxiety, and so all of the other issues I had I just assumed were a result of me being a "bad" person. Finding out I have borderline was a mixed bag of emotions...

      It was great to finally have answers. I could finally pinpoint behavioral and emotional issues and where they come from, and I could even make sense of issues in my past. I have answers now that I never had before. But on the same coin, I now have lots of new questions... Where do I go now? Now that I know the source, what can I do to fix it, to cope, or at least regulate my borderline episodes?

     Needless to say, this discovery of borderline has been a big source of stress...

     About a week after finding out that I have borderline, through talking to my friends and family about things I thought were just normal, I was recommended to go to a cardiologist. See, I was born with a pectus excavatum which is a condition where the ribs and sternum sink in, making a crater-like dent in the middle of the chest. Since I've only ever lived in my body, I thought it was totally normal to occasionally get piercing chest pains, shortness of breath, dizziness, and vomiting while working out or even in other less intense situations. I thought that at least it was because I wasn't in the best of shape (and that may be part of it). But I found out more recently that maybe that's not so normal... at least, not for other people. So, with concern from family and friends, and doing my own research, I decided it best to meet with a cardiologist.

     Upon going in, the cardiologist (well technically he's a cardiothoracic surgeon) said my pectus definitely looked deep enough to cause functional limitations, and ordered some tests to be done to measure how much of an effect it is having to confirm whether or not I should get/need to get surgery. The first test was an EKG, and the results of said test were that I have a "normal irregular" heartbeat (literally, that's what they told me), and also, my heart is not in the normal location within the chest. Instead, my heart is to the left, and close to the surface. The other two tests I did, which included a breath test and ultrasound on my heart both came back pretty normal, at least according to the technicians, and I still have a few more tests to do. So, I don't have an answer yet, but that's been happening.

     So yes, this was most definitely stressful. Especially considering that in the beginning, my main concern was that my aorta could potentially be dilated, and therefore at risk for bursting, but the tests so far have at least somewhat eased that fear. But, if you add on top of this the fact that about a week earlier I learned that I have borderline, then, yeah.... April was.... stressful....

     So almost all of April I was stressing about my borderline and my pectus excavatum and the potential health problems it may be causing, plus on top of that the normal stress of work, school, callings, etc.

     To top it all off, just a few days ago, my car broke down. Now, car breakdowns are traumatic and stressful experiences for me (as I'm sure they are for many people), especially because I work 40 minutes from home. So late on Thursday night I call my insurance company to tow my car to the repair shop, and call my dad to pick me up. On top of everything I've been stressing about, I now have car issues to worry about that could be expensive, and if it took a long time to fix, would also make it difficult to get to work.

     Well, Friday afternoon I get a call from the repair shop. They told me they found the problem, and it was just a little wire that connected to the ignition, and that was why the car died. The repair shop very generously fixed the small wire without cost, and once my father got home from work, he took me to pick up my car.

     Driving home, I had an interesting thought. What if all of the things I'm dealing with in this life are just little broken wires? What if my experiences seem so traumatic at the time, but once the problem is fixed, I can look back with a smile, a laugh, and a sigh of relief and realize it was something so small compared to the grand scheme of things? What's funny is I realized this is my "normal". Borderline personality disorder may seem alien to other people, in fact, most people don't even know what it is. I didn't know what it was until a month ago, yet I've been living it for years. But you know what? It's my "normal". My pectus excavatum and the issues that come with it are my "normal". I am my "normal". Now, that's not to say I don't need to change or fix things in my life, but that is to say that I can laugh, smile, and see the humor in being me as I seek to become a better person.

     Knowing my issues, my struggles, my quirks, helps me to figure out who I am, and who I can become. It's not an accident that I'm same-sex attracted, or that I'm an addict, or borderline, or deal with health issues relating to a pectus. No, it's no coincidence or accident. God knew that I needed all of these things to grow. And rather than wallow in fear and pain, I can look up to Heaven and smile while my heart beats to its "normal irregular" heartbeat. Life is so amazing. Of course, being borderline, I mean that now, but in a few minutes I might hate life. But that doesn't make my first statement untrue, because eventually I'll laugh again and realize life it amazing.

     This experience also taught me that Christ is the ultimate healer and mechanic. He has already paid the ultimate price, and all He asks is that I come with a broken heart and contrite spirit, and willingly accept His assistance. He can fix my broken wires, and He can make me whole. Of course, because Christ knows what is best for me, He may not fix everything right away. In fact, some things I may have to wait a lifetime to repair, but in the end I know that Christ will fix me and make me whole. And one day, I will look back on my broken wires, and I will smile and laugh and cry with gratitude for the experiences I had that shaped me and helped me grow, and I will have my loving Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ to thank for all of it. For without them, there would be no broken, and there would be no fixed, and there would be no me. And, despite all of the broken parts, it really is amazing to be me.

     My testimony tonight is one of God's love for me. I know He loves me. I know He has given me these circumstances that I may grow and progress. I know that the gospel of Jesus Christ is the one true gospel, and that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is where I belong, and what I need to progress to be with my Father in Heaven again. Struggles come, but it's okay. It's just me, and I want to live my "normal irregular" life to the fullest, and become the best 'me' that I can be.

Everything

     This is my post about everything.... or nothing.... or something.... or a thing.... or... yeah...

     Awkward intro sentence? Okay. Here we go.

     What's going on in my life? Well, life of course.... I don't know, is it just every day stuff? Or is there more? Is it abnormal? Probably. Whatever.

     Alright, so here's the deal. Life is amazing. Really it is. Sometimes I want to scream it from the rooftops. Life is hard. Really it is. Sometimes I want to fall on my face and give up. Life is painful. Really it is. Sometimes I want to curl up in a dark corner and cry. Life is a journey. Really it is. New choices are present every day, and the question is, which will I choose?

      Mitchell, how many more "Life is..." sentences are you going to write? Okay, okay fine. I'll stop.

     I guess I really don't know where I'm going with my life. I mean, I have a job that I mostly love, sometimes don't, and usually feel fulfilled with. I'm going to college, and that's what I feel like I should be doing, but I have no idea what to study or what field to get a degree in. I enjoy going to Church, but feel inadequate to fulfill my responsibilities because I missed my home teaching this month and have been slacking on my calling and other responsibilities. I enjoy spending time with my family, but feel like I'm not a good son/brother because I just don't know how to be my true self around them... I love my best friend, and enjoy spending time with him, but I have issues with anger, depression, jealousy, etc. that can make it taxing for both him and myself.

     I just haven't felt "happy" for quite some time now. I mean, I get a little taste of it every now and then. Sometimes I feel happy momentarily when I'm with my family or friends, I usually feel happy (or at least spiritual) at Church, sometimes I feel happy at school, and sometimes I just get little sparks of happiness throughout the day. Overall  though, I feel like I'm just not happy. What's weird is that I'm not completely depressed either. Well, at least not like I used to be. I'm sort of just in this awkward middle place where things aren't happy or sad. They just are.

     What's frustrating is that I know I've been on both sides. I've been consistently happy for quite some time in my life more than once. Conversely I've also been consistently sad/depressed for some time as well. But for the past few months it has been neither. So why the in-between? I've been trying to figure it out, but I'm just not sure.

     I guess part of it, and something that I thought of this week, may be the fact that I haven't visited the temple for some time. I know in the past when I attended, the following week and month would be so much better. Things seemed happier and I usually had a better and deeper perspective. Another, and perhaps more obvious piece of the puzzle has been that I haven't been praying or reading scripture nearly as often as I should.

    I miss my dog. I know that's random, especially to suddenly interrupt the blog post with a seemingly unrelated sentence, but I really do. I don't know why, but I just thought of it. That's not why I'm unhappy, but I realize that she was a really big help for me emotionally. She loved me no matter what I did (okay, it was love/hate... but to me, that was love). I was able to hold her, pet her, sit close to her, play with her, spend time with her, etc. She was a comfort, and an ever-present friend. Sometimes I really miss holding her, hearing her growl, kissing her, petting her, watching her go crazy after getting a bath... My baby was an amazing friend who I can't wait to see again.

     I love helping people, but I hate it at the same time. Does that make sense? Probably not... K. Let me try to explain. One of the things in my life that makes me the happiest is helping people, or at least giving service (even if super small).

     One of the highlights of my week was Thursday during school. I'm in an English class right now, and the assignment for the next few weeks is writing an "I Believe..." essay. The essay is supposed to focus around one core belief we have, and talk about why we believe it, what experiences we have had that led to this belief, and where we are now and where we think we will be relating to this belief. Considering that I can usually only write well about things I feel passionately about, I chose to make my essay about my testimony, and remaining faithful in the Church while dealing with trials that some consider make me incompatible to live a gospel-centered life. Basically, my essay consists of a very condensed version of "My Story", with some sentences and topics put in there to make it match the "I Believe" format.

     Anyway, this week in class, we brought our essays to have them peer reviewed and edited. Keep in mind that my essay is basically my life's story, so it included stuff about my addictions, depression, and yes, homosexuality. The first two people who edited my essay expressed empathy and sympathy, and gave me good feedback on how to improve my essay. I can appreciate empathy but sympathy is usually awkward for me... I want people to recognize the accomplishments I've made, and encourage me to continue to live a faithful life to what I believe and know to be true, rather than express how sorry they are for what I deal with... I know people probably have good intentions when they do it, but please don't say you're sorry that I deal with same-sex attraction. It's a fact of my life. I've moved on. And it's not something that I suffer because of. What I can't stand, though, is when people are "sympathetic" that I'm LDS and deal with same-sex attraction... please never apologize to me about my religion. I love my religion, and I have no regrets about the religious path I have chosen to follow.

     I keep getting off topic... two paragraphs ago I said I would tell you about the highlight of my week... Well, the third girl who edited my essay was very kind about it. She gave me good feedback, said she really appreciated the essay, and then I gave her feedback on hers. Time was up, and we went back to our seats to hear the last of the lesson. When I went back to my seat and looked over the edits she had put on my essay, I noticed that she had basically written me a letter on the back. In the letter, she told me she has been struggling recently. She mentioned she has been fairly inactive in the Church, and is just getting back in to activity. She said she could relate to many of the things in my essay (though I don't know what things specifically). And lastly, she shared that she had been praying to know whether the Church was true, and if she was doing the right thing, and said she felt my essay was part of her answer. Reading that gave me one of those moments of happiness.

     My essay wasn't amazing or ground-shattering. It was just my story, a list of life experiences, and tying it all in to what I believe and why I believe it. I wasn't expecting it to change anyone's life, and in fact I was sort of nervous to have people read it (which is strange, considering I'm out to anyone who decided to open my blog). The fact that it helped her made me really happy. It made me feel like I can make a difference in the world...

     Well, it's late. I should go to sleep... I don't know all the answers yet. Like I said earlier, life is a journey. Hopefully I'll find the answer someday. Happiness is out there, I just need to find how to best attain it in my own life. I love my Heavenly Father. I'm so thankful for every blessing I've been given. I hope I'll be able to let God in to my life so that I can continue to move forward in life, in the gospel, and in improving myself.

     I love you all. God bless.

Let It Snow

     What does Christmas (and the holiday season) mean to me? I've had the question on my mind a lot today, and I've been thinking about my own personal answer.
     One of the first things I decided to do was dissect what it has meant to me over the years. When I was really young, Christmas meant presents. That's what I always thought of. When I grew a little bit older, it started to mean presents and family. Then it changed to presents, family, traditions, etc. It kept evolving but it has only really been the past few years that my list has started to really include Christ. Christmas and the holidays, while presents and family still come to mind, also make me think of my Savior, or worship, or peace and love, of the plan and mission of God and Christ.
     I think one of the best ways for me to explain this change is to talk about snow. Yes, I'm totally serious. Snow. I love the snow. I've heard many people talk about the different things that show them that God loves them. Sometimes it's a sunny day, sometimes it's a warm feeling inside, sometimes it's a rainy day, etc. I've definitely felt God's love from such situations, but for me, I know God loves me when it snows.
     As I've mentioned before in my blog, I deal with depression. My depression can pop up throughout the entire year, but is most prevalent in the winter months. So I guess you could call it seasonal depression.
     The reason snow means so much to me is because when I was in some of my darkest moments, when I felt the most alone, because it happened so often in the winter, I would just sit and watch the snow fall. It was comforting. Snow is quiet, but alive. Watching it fall so quietly, so softly, so gentle made me think of God and Christ. While I often felt so alone in my depression, watching the snow made me feel that Christ was there with me. I wasn't alone. And God was using the snow to show me that even in the hard times, when the world was cold and life was bitter, there was a quiet beauty in the world, and you just had to learn to sit back and find the beauty in the storm.
     Snow, unlike rain, doesn't just wash away. Snow blankets the earth, protecting it under its layers. Blankets have long been a source of security for me. Even as an adult, while I don't carry a blanket around with me, when I go to bed at night, or am watching a movie, having a blanket over me helps me feel safe and calm. Watching the snow fall also gives me a sense of safety and calmness.
     I love the whiteness of snow. It's so beautiful and makes the world so bright. Even at night, the light from the moon is reflected off of the snow lighting up the world, and the brightness is even more-so during the day when the sun shines.  It also makes everything look so clean and pure.
     One thing that happened last year during the winter is that ice would cover my car each night, so in the morning, I'd have to scrape my car before leaving. Usually it's a pain, but last year I noticed that the ice made beautiful patterns on my car. All you had to do was look closely. I took some pictures of some of the really pretty designs:

 

     I love the snow and I love the holidays. I've definitely been feeling the effects of depression the past few weeks. My depression isn't the same as it was in the past, but it's still emotionally difficult to endure. The forecast for tomorrow calls for snow, though, so I know I'll have peace and comfort being able to watch it silently fall.
     Happy holidays everyone! And whether you like the snow or not, celebrate the life of Christ this season, and remember you're never alone and God always loves you.
    

God Still Loves Me

     My laptop that has been having physical issues for months was fixed in seconds by a tiny screw I found on my floor a couple days ago. And you know what? I know that God still loves me.

     I've had my current laptop for about a year now. My laptop has worked great, and has been the main place I work on school assignments, blog, work, etc. I had no complaints about my laptop until about 3-4 months ago when I noticed an unhappy clicking sound whenever I opened the screen, and eventually noticed what was happening. Every time I opened the screen, the hinges attaching the screen to the chassis would separate. They did not separate completely, but spread far enough apart that the screen sat at an angle, and I worried eventually they would split completely.

     I put off doing anything about it for a few months. I didn't think the issue was that big of a deal until I noticed the separation getting worse and worse, and eventually with the prodding and encouragement from my best friend, I decided to contact Dell and get my computer sent in for repair.

     My computer was sent out to be repaired a little over a week ago. When I sent it out for repair, it was my understanding that my computer was still covered by the warranty as I haven't even owned it for a year yet. I believed the issue would be covered by warranty because it was not caused by misuse (unless opening the laptop counts as misuse) and it wasn't accidental damage considering that I've never dropped my laptop, and carry it in a protective case.

     Well, when my laptop finally arrived at the repair depot, I received a call stating that the repairs necessary were not covered by my warranty, as it was deemed by the repair-depot personnel to have been caused by accidental damage. I tried speaking with multiple people at Dell to explain to them that my computer has never been accidentally damaged, and whatever happened to my hinges must have been caused by a manufacturing flaw. My best friend researched the warranty further, and discovered that the necessary repairs should most definitely be covered by my warranty, yet despite multiple calls speaking with multiple representatives, Dell was still unwilling to fix my laptop covered by warranty.

    After much stress and frustration, I got another call from Dell. No, they still weren't willing to repair it under warranty, but they told me they could repair it for $159.... $159?! I don't have that much money to just throw around, and certainly not for a repair that should be covered by warranty. After unsuccessfully trying to get the representatives at Dell to realize that it wasn't accidental damage, and that I wasn't lying to them, I finally decided it wasn't worth it. If I really needed to, I could throw some duct-tape on the hinges and call it good rather than waste hours on the phone with people who can barely speak English and aren't willing to believe me, or spend $159 on a repair that should have been covered. I told them to send it back.

     Well, a couple days ago when I was sitting in my room talking to my best friend, I noticed a small black thing on my carpet. At first, I honestly thought it was nothing but a piece of lint. I thought nothing of it. But for some reason, after a time, I decided I didn't like it, and picked it up planning to throw it away (still under the assumption that it was lint). Well, I picked it up and it wasn't lint. It was a tiny black screw that I had no idea what it went to, but it looked important. I decided to put it on my bedside table in case one day I figured out what it was for.

     Fast-forward to today. My computer arrived back from the repair depot. No, my computer was not fixed. In fact, when I pulled it out, I was disappointed and perturbed... The hinges were worse than when I sent it out for repair. I started to regret not pursuing the phone calls more. Maybe if I had been more determined and stern they would have covered it under the warranty that should have covered it in the first place. Then I even started regretting not paying the $159 they asked to get it repaired. I started thinking maybe the $159 they asked for would have been better than the chance the screen might soon fall off and the repairs associated with that.

     Well, I went through the next few hours feeling concerned, wishing I had done more to get my computer fixed, until suddenly, late at night when I should have been asleep (like right now, I should be asleep), I suddenly had a light-bulb moment. The screw! I had seen one just like it before on the back of my laptop! Eagerly, I flipped on my light, flipped my computer upside down, grabbed the screw, and looked at the back of my computer. But.... both screw holes I could see had screws in them, screwed in securely. A few seconds of feeling defeat.... but wait...

     As I looked at the back of my laptop in defeat, suddenly I noticed two holes near the hinges I hadn't noticed before.... screw holes! And one of them was missing! I stuck the screw in the hole and hurried downstairs to grab the tiny screw driver to screw it in. Success! One screw was missing completely, and the other was loose, so I put the one back in, and tightened the other, and flipped my computer right-side up.

     Nervousness... I start opening my laptop screen, totally expecting to hear that awful clicking.... relief.... excitement! It didn't happen! No click! Close the screen... check the hinges.... they're still connected! Breathe a sign of relief mixed with feeling ecstatic. My computer is fixed! Hallelujah!

     Then my thoughts started to turn to all of the different things that had happened or could have happened. I could have paid Dell $159 to "fix" my computer when obviously the technicians had no idea what the issue was. On all the phone calls, they said my hinges had gone bad. They obviously hadn't noticed a screw was missing.... and when it's your job to know what's wrong with a computer, and you can't notice a missing screw, well I'll let you fill in the blank. After-all, how many people have heard of a $159 screw? I certainly haven't, not even when you count labor involved in screwing it in, though it might be nice to get paid $159 every time you screw in a screw...

     Holy cow, what had happened leading up to this? My computer has been having issues for months, I have no idea what the issue is, I send it in to get fixed expecting warranty to cover it. No luck. Dell is unwilling to fix it without payment. I give up. Send it back. Find a screw in my carpet that I am beyond lucky to not have vacuumed up, lost, or thrown away without even realizing what it was. Get my computer back. Get a prompting. Check the back of my computer. Find the missing screw hole, stick it in, tighten it and the other screw, and voila! My computer is fixed!

     There are some people that might honestly be able to convince themselves that it was all a coincidence. Coincidence that I didn't pay $159. Coincidence I didn't vacuum or throw away that screw that had been on my carpet for at least 8 days (and I usually vacuum every 1-2 weeks). Coincidence that, at midnight lying awake in bed I suddenly have the impression that the screw I had since forgotten about finding anyway went to my computer. Coincidence that etc. etc. etc. But to me, it was not at all a coincidence. This was absolute proof that God still does, always has, and always will love me. Proof that I can still receive promptings. Proof that I still have God in my life.

     Tonight is a good night, even though it's way past bed time. I'm writing this post on my computer that works great now, and feeling so thankful and loved. God is perfect. I love life.

     Oh, and a note to my future self. Remember to trust in God and His timing. Listen to promptings. Remember that God loves you yesterday, today, tomorrow, and forever. Remember that life is good, even if it's hard, and you rarely see the big picture until it hits you in the face at the end. Oh, and remember you can always trust God more than some 'technician'.

Children of Same-sex Couples

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints came out with a policy change Thursday that states that underage children of same-sex couples will not be allowed membership until reaching "legal age" and they "disavow the practice of same-gender cohabitation and marriage."
     I first heard about this policy change while driving to work today and listening to the news. I'll be completely honest, when I first heard I thought maybe the media had misinterpreted something the  Church had said, then I thought maybe I was misinterpreting what I was hearing. When I got to work, I looked it up, and sure enough the internet and media had exploded with news articles about it. So it was true, I hadn't misinterpreted and neither had the media (at least about the actual policy, the media almost always overexaggerattes or misrepresents).
     So, still being completely honest, I felt really confused and worried. I even doubted a bit. But I didn't hyperventilate, and I kept calm. Some of the honest questions I had were "why is the Church holding children back for the actions of their parents?" "why can't these children get baptised until 18 and after they have disavowed their 'parents' lifestyle?" "aren't all people welcome in God's Church?". First, I feel it is important to point out that while I was having doubts and seriously considering these questions, I also wasn't immediately jumping to conclusions or becoming closed-minded or bitter.
     After the confusion and the doubt, I started to ask myself other questions. "Do I believe in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints? Do I trust, follow, and sustain the prophet and apostles? Do I trust in Christ? Do I trust in God?" Etc. The thing is, despite the questions and the doubts, my beliefs I held yesterday didn't suddenly change just because of a policy change. My testimony, while not at its strongest right now, also isn't so frail as to be broken by something I simply don't fully understand yet. I trust in God, I believe in the Church, why should that suddenly change?
     I ended up asking my best friend (who is a fantastic resource for me) about what his thoughts were. One thing he shared with me that totally hit me was that what the Church was stating is aimed at the opposition the Church has, not just to gay marriage, but more especially to adoption in same-gender marriages.
     What he shared helped so much. While the Church hasn't necessary released an "official" statement about this decision yet (as far as I am aware), from what I did read this totally made sense. And you know what? If that is the purpose of this policy change (and I'll personally say that I believe that it is part of it, if not the main reason), then I totally back the Church. Why? Because I myself wished so strongly that during the years of legal battle over whether or not to legalize gay marriage in states or even nationwide, that those looking into the issue would look at adoption and marriage as separate issues. As strongly as I oppose gay marriage, I oppose even more the ability for same-sex couples to adopt children, and I feel it is fair and necessary that children have the opportunity to have a mother and a father. And, because I know there will be backlash from that last statement, let me just say I totally recognize that there are children with single parents because of divorce, death, or whatever. I totally recognize that, and have given my thoughts on it before, but don't feel it is important to rehearse again. In short, I know there are issues on both the heterosexual and homosexual side when you talk about having a mother and father, but it is much easier to have both in a heterosexual family, whereas it is practically impossible to have that in a homosexual family setting.
     But Mitchell, how is that fair to the children? First of all, this policy does NOT mean that those children can't attend Church, they still can! Even excommunicated members can still attend Church. Furthermore, they can still contact the first presidency. This isn't a doctrine, it's a policy. If the first presidency feel it's appropriate, the child can still be baptized, but as a policy it goes through the first presidency. By the way, it's the same situation if your parents are polygamists, including disavowing your parents practice of polygamy. This isn't as unique as you may think, it's not utterly ground shattering. Also, while baptism is an essential ordinance, so are the temple endowments and receiving the priesthood, both of which don't happen until after 18 anyway. So, again, realize that it is STILL POSSIBLE for a child of a same-sex couple to get baptised before 18 years old, it just has to go through the first presidency. They can still come to Church, and if any members or ward kick them out, they are violating God's commandment that all men are welcome to learn of His gospel.
     Ultimately, I believe that the Church is still true. How could something I believe in and dedicate my life to go from being totally true one day, and the next suddenly become false just because they changed a policy they still haven't released an official statement on or explained completely, and that many have misinterpreted and made their own opinions on? The Church is still true. God still loves His children. The world isn't ending (yet). The sky isn't falling. The prophets are still prophets. And I still follow the Church and have a testimony I cannot deny. If you're still having doubts about the Church, I challenge you to really do some introspection. Pray, ask God, review your testimony and what you know to be true, both past and present. Don't let a policy change that we still don't know everything about be enough to change your mind about God or the gospel.
     I have a testimony of the Church. I have a testimony of my Savior. I have a testimony of the prophets. And I know, without a shadow of a doubt anymore, that this policy doesn't make the Church untrue, it isn't evil, and God will keep His promises and reveal all His mysteries in the end if we are faithful.
     I love you all. Don't forget your Father in Heaven. He loves you no matter what your circumstance.
    

     If you'd like to read an article that explains it better than I can, read this one: http://lds.net/blog/buzz/lds-news/myths-on-new-mormons-and-gays-policy/ 

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Jealousy

     The other day, I was doing a brief check up on my blog (looking for any new comments, stats, etc.) When I was intrigued by one of the titles of a post from way back in 2013. I read it, and as weird as it may sound, I became jealous of my "past self".

     As I read the post, I felt inspired, I honestly didn't feel like I was reading something that I wrote. I didn't understand. How was I so good at writing and expressing my feelings back then? How was I able to so quickly and efficiently find peace and happiness even in the midst of trials? How was I so open to promptings and spiritual feelings? How was I......? The list could go on and on.

     I loved the post I read, but I also felt jealous of it. It led to a lot of introspection and questioning. The main question I asked myself was "what is different in my life now as compared to my life in 2013?" I just couldn't put my finger on it. I didn't understand.

     The thing is, in some ways I am doing better in my life than I was in 2013. I have a job now I feel very loyal to, I am enrolled in college through BYU-Idaho (through the Pathway program), I am doing better with my addictions than I was in 2013 (though definitely still not completely clean), I have a calling in my ward that requires me to serve others and actually work, so with all of these good things now that I didn't have in 2013, how did my life seem better then? What was going on?

     I realized a big part of the puzzle on Sunday. Perhaps I was happier back in 2013 not because of a lack of trials or because of high successes, but because I was grateful for what I did have. Back in 2013, I was much quicker to say "thank you" to God than I have been recently. I appreciated the people in my life more than I do now. I found happiness even in the midst of trials. I was closer to God, I prayed and read my scriptures more. I was more humble than I have been recently, partly because of circumstance (being compelled) and partly due to choice.

     So if there were positives and negatives then, and there are positives and negatives now, why the stark difference in happiness and quality of life? I honestly think one of the biggest factors in this has been my lack of gratitude. That's not to say I haven't been grateful about certain things, but I haven't been consistently thankful, I haven't been thankful about the little things. Another big factor is I have been fairly pessimistic. Dealing with depression doesn't make it easy to be optimistic, but I chose to be as optimistic as I could in the past, and I haven't been choosing it as much recently.

     So what can I do? Well, the truth is, I don't know all the answers. I do know, however, that I need to regain an attitude of gratitude (and no, I'm not just saying that because it's November). I honestly need to start thanking God for the big things, the small things, and everything in between. I need to be thankful to and for the people in my life.

     I also need to change certain habits. I need to start praying regularly, I need to start reading my scriptures regularly, and I need to serve others (which is something I've been lacking a lot in recently). While I'll never be the same person I was in 2013, nor should I hope to be, I can strive to regain the good qualities I had back then, and seek to gain new ones as I move forward and try to shape who I am and who I want to be.